Saturday, May 21, 2016

Evil Eva Reviews... The Magicians

EvilEva reviews ...... The Magicians by Lev Grossman.

Dissecting The Cover:

I don't really understand this cover. I guess it's supposed to represent the tree that Quentin magicked into being at the end of the book? No spoiler alert needed there as said scene with said tree is of no real importance to the story. Which makes it a fairly odd choice to use such a throw-away scene as "cover material."
A more accurate cover would feature a gaggle of melancholy teens, smoking and drinking and looking completely bored with their trivial, pedestrian lives.
This cover, however, with its copse of tranquil trees and its serene little stream looks better suited for a brochure for a mental health facility.
You know, on second thought, maybe this is the perfect cover choice after all!

Let's Review:

Quentin Coldwater is perfectly bored with his perfectly planned life. Everything is laid out before him, opportunities well within his grasp.
Yet while trudging through the drudgery of everyday life, Quentin longs for something more. Silly as it seems, he can't help but dream of the fantastical, fictional world of Fillory, a magical land from the pages of his favorite childhood stories.
The books brimmed with strange creatures, daring escapes, perilous journeys.
Quentin's life of college interviews, clueless parents and unrequited love seems spectacularly lackluster by comparison.
So when a way out suddenly presents itself, Quentin jumps at the chance to finally embark on an adventure of his own.
It begins when a simple piece of paper leads him to the discovery of a lifetime. Magic is real!
It exists within the walls of an exclusive college, hidden away in upstate New York where only a chosen few possess the ability to find it.
Quentin is one of those few.
At Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, Quentin will be taught the principles of magic and learn what it takes to become a true magician.
It's exactly the kind of excitement he's been searching for!
Little does Quentin know, it could also lead him to the very thing he's been so desperate to find--- a way in to Fillory.
With the help of his friends and his newly acquired skills, Quentin sets off on the ultimate quest: the pursuit of all that he desired from his past and everything he could ever imagine for his future.

Here's What I Think:

I really have to hand it to myself, I made this book sound totally readable in the Let's Review section. However, the truth of the matter is, I hated this book. And I don't mean in an "aw I really wanted to like it but I didn't. what a bummer" kind of way. I'm talking about a "rip the spine right down the middle, hurl the thing across the room, salt and burn the earth where it lands" level of hatred. Which is kind of crazy because it had so much potential.
It's been touted by other reviewers as an adult version of Harry Potter.
It received raves from George R. R. Martin and John Green (authors I actually like.) 
And after reading a sample of the first chapter I myself was intrigued enough to give it a try. A decision I quickly regretted.
So where did it all go wrong?
Well, there was the plot, the pacing, the characters, the dialogue, the lack of actual magic. I could go on. And I will!
Behold my list of grievances!

Grievance #1.
I'll start with the fact that I don't know what to call this thing. I mean, I do----
piece of shit
waste of time
boredom personified.
But as far as genre goes, I don't really know where to put it.
I mean, this book is seriously all over the place, leading me to believe that Mr. Grossman suffers from what I have coined Distracted Dug Syndrome.
Distracted Dug Syndrome, or DDS as it is more commonly known, is a condition in which a person (such as the aforementioned author) is focused on their work, chugging along, getting shit done when all of a sudden SQUIRREL!

They become distracted, lose their train of thought and then hitch that train to a wholly different caboose only to have it chug off in a completely different direction than the one it was originally pointed in.
It is my professional opinion that this was the case with The Magicians.
For instance, chapter 1 finds Quentin discovering a dead body.
We don't know who this corpse is or how he died or what this means for Quentin. Ah, so obviously a mystery is afoot, right?
Wrong! This poor unfortunate soul gets maybe four pages in which we learn nothing about him, nothing is resolved as far as he (whoever he might be) is concerned and I guess it's a good thing Quentin wasn't particularly traumatized by this event because we never hear about it again. And all of a sudden the story devolves into something completely different.
As I said--- SQUIRREL!
Now Quentin is attending a secret, exclusive Hogwarts-esque magic school. Well, this book is called The Magicians so I guess that makes more sense than a possible murder mystery. Alright. I'll roll with it.
I will admit that Mr. Grossman spent a little more time ripping off Harry Potter than he did with that half-assed whodunit. However, it's not long before--- SQUIRREL!
And suddenly we're dumped in some sort of low budget Narnia. So..... wait..... now it's a fantasy novel? I am so confused. But, like I said, I can roll with this. I like lions. I like witches. I like wardrobes. Let's end this thing on a high note! Let's vanquish evil and save Fillory! Who's with me!
Goddammit!!!! Now it's a coming-of-age story!?!? Now we're "learning lessons?" "Growing up?" "Gaining insight?"
What the fuck am I reading!?!?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for genres colliding. I like a good supernatural mystery. A historical romance. A supernatural romance. A historical mystery. A comedic drama. A dramatic comedy. Hell, I'll take a historical, romantic, mysterious, supernatural, comedic, dramatic, sci-fi, fantasy, horror, coming-of-age story. As long as it's done well.  As long as the transitions between genres are seamless and everything comes together and makes sense in the end.
Unfortunately that didn't happen here. And I think the whole genre confusion is ultimately what lead to such a disjointed plot. Also known as...

Grievances #2.
The best way I can think of to describe the plot would be if the author grabbed several books from his shelf at random, stuffed them in a blender, hit puree, dumped the whole big mess on to paper and named it The Magicians.
Like I said, the story is just all over the place.
It begins in Brooklyn where Quentin fantasizes about being anywhere else. Then there's a death, an odd paramedic, and a folder with Quentin's name on it which leads him to this mysterious estate in upstate New York which turns out to be a magic school called Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy. So Quentin takes a test, passes, and is allowed to attend this magic school. Which he does until he's whisked away to Brakebills South in Antarctica, then it's back to the regular Brakebills where Quentin promptly graduates somehow even though we never really read about him actually going to classes or doing homework or taking tests. It should be noted here that all of this has been crammed into part 1 of this book. There are still three parts left in which Quentin flees to Manhattan where he discovers that Fillory, a magical Narnia-esque place he thought only existed in the pages of his favorite childhood book series, actually exists in real life and he can actually go there. But first he has to travel through the Neitherlands which is like a giant portal-possessing waiting room and THEN he finally gets to Fillory only to find it's not what he thought it would be so he goes back to NYC where he works for some account team.
I know. What!? The actual!? FUCK!?!?
And that's not all. Not only does the story bounce around from place to place, but storylines are constantly introduced only to invariably be dropped and replaced by a whole new storyline that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the first one only to then have the original storyline reappear some 200 pages later with a "resolution" that seems thrown in as an afterthought.
Like, Oh, by the way, this is what happened to Alice's brother, and this is why Professor Mayakovsky was banished to Antarctica and oh yeah, remember that Beast fella from chapter 8 well it's actually [redacted]
But none of these come as big reveals or jaw-dropping revelations. Instead they land with a hollow THUNK! because any kind of interest you might have invested in the answer died a slow painful death long ago.
There are just too many ideas and not enough follow through which makes the plot a confusing mess which ultimately aids in the fuck-upping of other aspects of the story, like the pacing. Or as it shall henceforth be known...

Grievance #3.
The pacing is unbelievably haphazard, making the timeline practically impossible to follow. One day can drag on for a whole chapter while an entire year is gone within the span of a couple of sentences. And these time jumps aren't used to propel the story forward. They just seem thrown in (like everything else in this book) for no reason.
It doesn't keep the reader on their toes, it confuses them to the point that they're forced to flip back however many pages it takes to figure out what fucking day it is and how much fucking time has passed. It's especially frustrating when the parts of the story that could have potential, like the magic classes and the ins and outs of Fillory, are rushed through and summarized quickly. While the parts that are boring and offer no real relevance to the story, like the inane game of Welters that wants so badly to be Quidditch and what it's like being a fucking goose, have paragraphs upon paragraphs of mind-numbing prattle devoted to them.
At times it can make getting through the book really hard. It's like wading through raw sewage with waders on. Or slogging through a shitstorm with a faulty umbrella. 
Although no matter how bothersome and tedious the pacing might seem it is nothing compared to big fat....

Grievances #4.
Which is the characters. It is a rare book indeed when you can find absolutely NO character that you like/relate to/root for. But, lo and behold The Magicians is that rare book.
The "hero" of our story is Quentin Coldwater. And the best word I can think of to use to describe him is insufferable. Completely and utterly insufferable. He does nothing but whine and complain and blame everything and everyone for his "problems" when really the only "problem" he seems to suffer from is being a pathetic little bitch. He literally gets everything he wants and he's still not happy. I mean, he basically gets accepted to Hogwarts, finds a girlfriend that loves him despite his awful personality, journeys to Narnia, defeats an evil monster, gets handed a crown, a kingdom, and a high paying job at which he doesn't even have to do any actual work and all he can muster is boredom, self-pity, and mild depression.
Basically you spend the whole book wanting to punch him in the throat and coming up with colorful little nicknames for him like Harry Twatter.
And I know what you're thinking, what about the other characters? Surely there's at least one that you're happy to see appear on the page. No. There's not. The rest of the characters are just as terrible.  Probably because they're all more or less the same person. Every character in this book (their names really don't even matter) is pretty much interchangeable. No one has an individual voice or any kind of distinguishing qualities to differentiate them from the next loser. It's just hipster douches as far as the eye can see.
And they're all so "brilliant" and so "gifted" and so disgustingly underwhelmed that they've been hand-picked to attend this secret university that teaches MAGIC!
Ugh! They all act so blasé and above it all. Like it's no big deal that they basically MADE IT TO HOGWARTS! And who even cares that they get to use REAL MOTHERFUCKING MAGIC!
It made me want to go full Voldemort on these ungrateful brats! I was seriously more invested in thinking about what I could use as my own Horcruxes so that this plan may come to fruition than I was with reaching the end of this book and finding out what happens to these boring entitled shitheads.
Now, you  might be thinking, well certainly with Quentin and Co. starting out as the human equivalent of hot garbage those 402 pages should afford them plenty of opportunities to reform, evolve and become decent non-garbage people, right? No, you stupid optimist.
These characters end exactly as they began. Immature, stunted, self-centered and miserable. Or as I said before, completely and utterly insufferable. Seriously. They should just rename this book Hipsters Hate Adventures. Or The Chronicles of Nothing: The Lion, The Witch and The Whatever. Or Harry Potter and the Too-Cool-For-Magic-School Classmates. Any one of these titles would be acceptable as they all succinctly describe the character's perpetual flippancy. They also happen to accurately describe the story between the pages of this book far better than the actual title does. Because after reading it, you know the characters are douchebags, you're not so sure however if they are actually magicians. Which leads me to the final and possibly gravest of grievances.

Grievances #5.
Where exactly is the magic!?!?!?
I mean, the book is called The MAGICIANS, there is a MAGIC school where they teach MAGIC to students who want to become MAGICIANS but there are no spells cast, no potions made, no charms used, no curses uttered. And no explanation is ever given for how any of this works. Apparently we don't need to know the mechanics involved with levitating a marble or bending light or flying to the fucking moon! All we need to know is that it can be done and we call this magic. Which is basically what one of the professors at this "prestigious college" says to his impressionable students:

"In any case, we do not and cannot understand what magic is, or where it comes from any more than a carpenter understands why a tree grows. he doesn't have to know. He works with what he has."

If that's the case, then why exactly do they need to attend these classes? Why does a magic school even need to exist?
It's like an English Lit professor saying you don't have to know how to read in order to understand literature.
It's an easy out. And in taking it, Grossman completely misses out on any opportunity to fully engage his reader by providing details that could set his story apart from others like it.
I mean, this is fantasy. You have the keys to the kingdom. You can create worlds and languages and creatures. You can make the impossible possible, the unbelievable believable, transform the ordinary into the extraordinary.
So just saying magic is magic because it's magic seems like a cop out, not to mention a total insult to the reader.
Although, I'm really not at all surprised to feel underwhelmed by this book yet again. It was pretty much my permanent state while reading it. I mean, I've already dealt with sloppy writing, dropped storylines and forgotten characters so the fact that this magic school ended up being less than magical seems like par for the motherfucking course.
In fact, I'm fairly certain the only real magic involved here is how my interest in this stupid story -POOF!- disappeared. I guess this was a rather long way of telling you what I actually already told you at the very beginning of this review/rant, which is I HATED this book.
For me, The Magicians was like a Dementor from that other far superior fantasy series, it just sucks your soul right out of you. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find a piece of chocolate, lie down and try my best to recover.

Swoony Times:

This is not a swoony book. There are no sexy times. I mean, there is sex but it is definitely NOT sexy. Unless people transforming into foxes and fucking is your thing. If so, there is that in this book. Also, on a sidenote, you might want to consider some kind of psychiatric help as an affinity for fox-fucking is a pretty weird affinity to have.
Anyhoo, I'm fairly certain the reason for such an abysmal showing of the swoons is entirely thanks to Quentin and his nonexistent personality. Being that he is such a whiny, angsty, entitled turd of a person, it's really no surprise that he has pretty much zero chemistry with anyone he comes into contact with. But I suppose one could say he has the most least chemistry with Alice. Or the least most chemistry? I don't know. However you want to phrase it, Quentin and Alice are the "romantic leads" of the story. I have used quotation marks here as Quentin and Alice's "romance" is in no way "romantic."
Their relationship feels completely forced. Like they've stuck together strictly because Quentin happens to be the main character and the main character obviously needs to have a love interest and because Alice.....
Well, I don't exactly know why Alice feels the need to be saddled with Quentin. She could do so much better than this wretched little weenie. Well maybe not so much better because honestly there is nary a swoonworthy boy to be found in this book.
But literally anyone would be an improvement over Quentin. Seriously. It is so hard for me to believe that anyone would be interested in Quentin AT ALL much less in a "let's take off all our clothes and hug with our genitals" type of way.
In fact, it is at this point in the story where I had to suspend my disbelief the most.
There's a wizarding school in New York, you say? Sounds legit.
A magical land from a fictional book actually exists? Perfectly feasible.
Teenagers turn into geese and fly to Antarctica? Highly logical, Mr. Spock.
But are you really trying to tell me that there is someone out there that finds Quentin to be suitable boyfriend material!?!?!
Surely you jest, sir.

Bonus Shizz:

Magic School!
As someone who has read the Harry Potter books and watched the Harry Potter movies and obsessed over the Harry Potter universe (and as someone who is both living and breathing) obviously my ultimate goal in life is to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
I'm actually still anxiously awaiting my letter of acceptance. It should be here any day now.
But in the meantime I thought I would check out Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, and let me just say, it's less expecto patronum, more expecto disappointment.
See, Hogwarts is like an illustrious ivy league while Brakebills is your safety school. You're almost guaranteed an easy in but you don't really want to go there.
So even though there are few things that tickle my fancy quite like a magic school, this one just wasn't for me.
*sighs* Maybe I'll take a year off instead. To find myself....
or Narnia!

Book Lovers!
I love when characters in books LOVE books. It's like meeting a kindred spirit. And despite his many flaws that irritated the ever-loving fuck out of me, Quentin's unwavering obsession with his favorite book series was something I could actually relate to.
Getting lost in another world, finding hope and redemption in a character, believing wholeheartedly in something that can't be done, envisioning yourself somewhere far better than where you  are. The knowledge that you can relive it all in one afternoon, snuggled in your coziest nook by simply turning a page is, in itself, true magic. Because as every book lover knows, a good story never lets you go.

Mix Tape:

If this book had a soundtrack.....

If You Liked That, Try This:

*The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.
*The Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis.

The Scale of Judgment Says:

Zero points for Mr. Grossman!

The truth is, I hated this book so much that I'm going to award it The Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather Seal Of Disapproval. Also known as.....

Which I will be presenting to any book that scores a 1 Nancy rating on The Scale of Judgment from this review on!

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Game Of Thrones Drinking Game

Recently I not only got into Game of Thrones, I got ALL UP INTO Game of Thrones!  I marathoned the entire series thus far which consists of 3 complete seasons and a half of a season.
All in all I consumed 36 episodes in a little under a week.  (And that's all while also watching my regularly scheduled programs.)  So, yeah, I became slightly obsessed.  
So, of course, I totally had to make a drinking game for my latest obsession!  Thus: 

The Game of Thrones Drinking Game

This one goes out to all my homies.
Take a shot of your drink of choice whenever any of the following happens...... 

*A main character dies. (Take another shot if it was someone you actually liked.)
*This just in: "Winter is coming."
*Daenerys says "my dragons."
*Someone makes fun of Tyrion's stature.
*Someone makes fun of Brienne's stature.
*You want to punch Joffrey in the face.
*Anytime Jon Snow "knows nothing."
*Bran has that goddamn 3-eyed raven dream.
*Hodor says "Hodor."
*Sword fight!
*Prostitute sighting!
*Someone refers to Jon Show as a "bastard."
*Someone refers to Daenerys as "Khaleesi."
*Someone refers to Jaime as "Kingslayer."
*Arya recites her shit list.
*Jorah gets friend-zoned. 
*Someone loses a body part.
*Someone takes a drink.
*"A Lannister always pays his debt."

Brace yourselves a hangover is coming, so, as always, drink responsibly. 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

All The Books-Into-Movies News I've Been Neglecting

Alright.  I know what you're probably thinking: where the hell have you been!?!?  ALL OF THE THINGS have been happening!!!  YA Books-Into-Movies news has been BLOWING UP and you're nowhere to be found!!!!
I know.  I know, you guys.  I've been a VERY bad book nerd and an even worse blogger.
So let's forgive me and get all caught up, kay?

So, because so much has happened lately (and because I've been so damn neglectful,) I decided that what this post really needs is some categorization!  I'll be breaking these trailers down into three separate categories.
I'll start with the tearjerkers.  Or as they'll be known henceforth:

The Weepies:

I imagine that all of you have seen this one already as it has been viewed OVER 17 MILLION TIMES!  But in case you missed it, here is the trailer for the much-talked-about, uber-hyped The Fault in Our Stars.  Check it:  

Are the tears flowing yet?  If that sob-fest of a trailer wasn't enough for you, be sure to check out this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly because it's dominated by the stars, Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort.  (I gotta admit, the photos of the two are pretty darn adorbs.)

I've also gotta admit that while I'm excited to see this movie, my excitement has basically nothing to do with either of these kids.  I'm in it for the Sam Merlotte

and the Birbigs!

The movie will be hitting theaters next month.  June 6th, to be exact.  So you've got plenty of time to pick out your opening day outfit!  This shirt from Hot Topic is my current fave.  Or you can show love for your book boyfriend with this one from My Tee Spot.  Or maybe this simple little number from Barnes and Noble is more your style.

And if you thought TFIOS was the only Weepie headed your way, you were very, very wrong.  Another life-obliteratingly sad YA book has recently been made into a movie and will be making its way to a theater near you (and making you openly weep at said theater) August 22nd.  I'm talking about Gayle Forman's beautifully written masterpiece, If I Stay
Break out the tissues while you check out the trailer:

It's been sooooo long since I read this book that I've more or less forgotten most of the specifics, but what I DO remember is that I LOVED it!  It immediately put Gayle Forman on my insta-buy author list.  And just watching the trailer makes me want to go back and read it all over again!

And speaking of Chloe Grace Moretz, not only will she be playing Mia in If I Stay, she'll also be kicking ass and taking names as Cassie in the film adaptation of Rick Yancey's The 5th Wave!  I'm excited yet terrified that they decided to make this book into a movie.  I loved the book and can't wait to read the sequel (The Infinite Sea!  Out September 16th!  Dammit! That's too far away!) so I'm really hoping they don't fuck this one up.  Ya hear me, Sony Pictures!?   

Ok, let's move on to our second category:     

The Dystopias:

Because it's like, a law now that all YA dystopian novels MUST be made into movies.  It's called "The Hunger Games Effect."

Anyhoozle, the first trailer is for The Maze Runner, a dystopian series by James Dashner.  I've got this book TBR-ing on my bookshelf right now, so I haven't actually read it yet but, I gotta admit, the trailer has my interest piqued.  I'll have to read it soon because the movie hits theaters September 19th and a true book nerd ALWAYS reads the book FIRST!     

Next up is the trailer for The Giver, a Newbery Medal Award winning book all the way from the 90s written by Lois Lowry.  The movie doesn't come out until August 15th but already people are getting super pissy about it. 
This is another book I haven't read yet so I'm, personally, not all up in arms but other people are having all kinds of shit fits all over the internet about this movie for one reason or another.  After giving their IMDb page a gander, the only things I see wrong with the movie so far are:
A.  It has Katie Holmes in it.  And, let's be honest, homegirl hasn't been the same since Tom Cruise abducted her.
and B.  It has Taylor Swift in it.  And, let's be honest, her pie-eyed, gee-golly-willikers, bullshit REALLY gets on my nerves.
So I don't know about this one.  Give it a view and tell me what you think: 

Our final category might be the best!  And by best I of course mean the worst!  That's right! It's time for:

The Batshittery:

If you follow me on Twitter, you already know that I absolutely LOVED Lifetime's version of that completely bonkers, incest-filled mess, Flowers in the Attic!  Well The Baby Jesus has answered all of our prayers and the kooks over at Lifetime are making the sequel, Petals on the Wind!  Here is the first trailer to this insanity:  

Heather Graham is back!  And she's brought her crazy eyes!  Hooray! 
Petals on the Wind will premiere on Lifetime Monday, May 26th at 9 pm.  Just want to make sure you've got all the information.  If it's anything like the first one, you won't want to miss it!  And come hell or high water, I will be live-tweeting the shit out of it!  So follow me on Twitter @girlsleuth and we can snark like the best of friends!
P.S. Please, please, PLEASE check out the Petals on the Wind photo gallery on Lifetime's website in which Heather Graham gives you so very much crazy, 70s chic fierceness!
Here is a mere morsel:

Well, I feel like we got a lot done today, y'all.  Do you feel sufficiently caught up?  I know I do!  But, as you know, there's new Books-Into-Movies dirt to dish almost everyday.  So check back here soon!  

Now I'll turn it over to you guys.  Hit me up in the comments section and tell me which movies you're most excited to see!  

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Be Kind Rewind: Veronica Mars Movie Edition

In which Evil Eva fangirls whilst also pondering some ponders she couldn't help but ponder while viewing the Veronica Mars movie.

Alrighty, fellow marshmallows, the Veronica Mars movie has been out for a little over two weeks now.  I feel like that's plenty of time for all of us to be sufficiently caught up with our Neptunian pals.  Thus it is finally time to sit down and discuss the ever-loving shizz outta this movie!  So let's dive right in, shall we? 

A Long Time Ago We Used To Be Friends

So the very first thing I couldn't help but sqeeee over happened at the beginning of the movie.  When Veronica and Piz (!) are walking out of a building there's a guy with a guitar on the street singing We Used To Be Friends!  I LOVED THAT!  I felt like it was a total wink to faithful marshmallows everywhere!  I might have actually applauded at that moment.  Yes, that's nerdy.  Nope, I don't care.

For The Love Of Piz

Now, as most of you probably know, I'm Team Piz all the friggin' way.  So, hells yeah I was psyched that Veronica was with him living blissfully in sin in New York at the beginning of the movie!  And New York Piz seems even better than Hearst College Piz, y'all!  I mean, for one thing his hair is a major improvement.  As is his wardrobe.  Don't get me wrong, I loved Piz's cute, nerdy T-shirt and jeans combo, but his post-college look is super sexy and sophisticated.  Just check that dope trench!  And homeboy even makes that man purse look hot!

And even 10 years later, Piz still seems to be a major catch.  I mean, how could you NOT fall even more in love with him when he totally didn't act like a jealous prick at the mention of Logan Echols?  Or the fact that Veronica was heading back to Neptune specifically to help Logan out of a pickle?
And how amazing was it when Piz showed up at the Neptune High reunion and busted some sick dance moves whilst further bonding with V's old skool besties, Wallace and Mac?  
I mean, how can you not like this guy?!?  Well, don't ask me.  Ask Veronica. 
Because her judgment is for shit and she totally leaves Piz high and dry and doesn't go back to New York even though Piz's parents flew in to see her and even though it's totally obvious that Keith likes Piz waaaaay more than he ever liked Logan and Piz has been so great to her and FOR her but she just breaks his adorable little heart anyway and stays with Logan because she's got some serious addiction probs. 

I mean, look at that face.  He's so cute.  And he's sweet.  AND he's funny.  Oh Veronica! For real, what are we gonna do with you?  When will you learn, girl?

Anyway, as you can tell I'm still a little bit angry.  And sad.  And confused.  I mean, why can't Veronica look beyond the shiny Logan veneer and see the amazing Piziness that is Stosh Piznarski?!?! 
Ok.  Ok.  I'll let it go.  For now. 
Moving on.

You Give LoVe A Bad Name

So speaking of Logan, he's in the Navy now.  Yeah.  He never really struck me as the patriotic, do-for-your-country type either. But here he is in his dress whites:

I guess it's good that he's given up his past careers which were poker and bum fighting.  Anyhoo, so Logan is in the Navy and he's dating a pop star named Bonnie DeVille.  She winds up dead and obvs the police think Logan did it.  So of course Logan calls Veronica.  And of course V motors all the way back to Neptune to help Logan, subsequently leaving an adorbs Piz unattended.  *sigh*

The REAL Mystery

I have to admit, the mystery wasn't the best.  And the reveal of the baddie/reasons for the murder weren't all that great either.  
For me, the REAL mystery was who in the actual hell is Bonnie DeVille?  Oh, she used to go to high school with us, you say?  Oh, she used to be Carrie Bishop?  But wait a motherfucking minute here, who was Carrie Bishop?  Not this girl:

I'm sorry but who are you, madam?  NOT Carrie Bishop.  This is Carrie Bishop:

As you can see, Leighton Meester played the original Carrie Bishop.  So why then is Leighton Meester not in the movie reprising her role?  Carrie's new career is singing terrible pop music which Leighton has experience with.  And what else has Leighton Meester been doing lately (other than apparently marrying Seth Cohen) that she couldn't squeeze in a lil' cameo?
And if Leighton Meester couldn't be in the movie for whatever reasons, then why make Logan's unfortunately murdered girlfriend Carrie Bishop in the first place?  Why not make Logan's girlfriend some random chicky?  Why did it have to be someone from high school?  I get that this is exciting and we want all the cameos we can get, but if you can't get the cameo then just make up an entirely new character.  The fans won't mind.  I promise.
I'm Sorry. What Was Your Name Again?
That scene with Deputy Leo was all kinds of amazing!  I loved that he pretended not to remember Veronica and then innocently commented that whenever she needed a favor before she'd get all dolled up for him and bring him pizza.  Oh Leo, you're still so doofy but I still love ya!
In Memoriam
Um.  Was the In Memoriam portion of the reunion merely for people Logan may have murdered?  I mean, no offense but who actually cares about Felix Toombs?  Or Carrie Bishop for that matter.  What about poor Meg Manning?  And that whole bus full of kids from season 2?  And where oh where was Lilly fucking Kane?  I mean, Lilly's death is what kicked off this whole show!  I guess the snubbing is that bitch Madison Sinclair's doing.  Which makes her even more deserving of Veronica's face-punch!   
Whatever Happened To Duncan?
I know, I know.  Some of you hate Duncan Kane.  And it's not like I was a Duncan super fan back in the day either but I was a little surprised that the character wasn't in the movie at all.  I mean, I guess I kinda, sorta get why he couldn't come to the reunion but I'd still like to see where life has taken him and his baby.  Am I the only one?  Ok.     
Some Things Never Change
And by some things, I mean Dick Casablancas.  Welp, we all basically knew before this thing even started that Dick would most certainly NOT be winning Most Changed For The Better at the reunion.  And of course Dick bein' Dick, didn't disappoint.  I mean, truthfully, what would we even do with a mature, well-mannered, self-actualized Dick Casablancas anyway?    
 And Some Things Do (Hopefully)
And by some things, this time I mean Weevil.  I LOVED that Weevil was basically the only one to grow up and have a serious adult relationship.  I was so proud of him with his super hot wifey and his adobs baby.  Like Glen Coco before you, you go Eli Navarro!  
But then... oh but then.  There was that ending.  Weevil gets shot by Celeste Kane (hello random cameo!) and gets blamed for getting shot and then may perhaps rejoin the PCHers?  What?!?!  Nooooooo!  Don't rejoin your gang!  You've got a wife and a kid at home!  Think of them, Eli!  Think of them!!! 
In Closing
All in all I really liked the movie.  I don't know that you would necessarily "get" how awesome it is if you didn't have a major appreciation for the show that came before it though and that's ok.  Because there are plenty of happy marshmallows out there enjoying it for you!  Plus I think it's really cool that an "old" show could be spiffed up and made new again.  (This opens up sooo many possibilities for other cancelled-too-soon shows like Roswell, Alias, Pushing Daisies, and Dollhouse. Just to name a few.) 
I also think it's cool that it's basically rebooted the whole Veronica Mars franchise what with the after-movie-books, the Dick spin-off, and the rumblings of a sequel!  And if that sequel is more than just a myth, my suggestion would be this: more Wallace and Mac please!   

Friday, March 7, 2014

How To Fangirl: How To Make A Mandrake Baby

Awhile back on Pinterest, I found this amazing cupcake idea for Mandrake cupcakes!  It's absolutely PERFECT for my Harry Potter themed Halloween party!  So I'm really excited about it!  Hence the exclamation points!!!

I'll show you how to make the whole shebang closer to Halloween, obviously, but for right now I'm going to show you how to make the adorbs mandrake baby in the middle of the cupcake.

What You'll Need:

- 1 package of plastic baby favors (You can find these pretty much anywhere that has a baby shower section.)
- 1 sprig of foliage (this can be found at any craft store in the flower section. Just look for whatever kind you like the best.)
- a glue gun
- glue sticks (obviously)
- scissors
- a plastic box (for storage)

And, I don't need to tell you this, but USE COUPONS whenever possible. (Michael's and Hobby Lobby almost always offer coupons for at least 40% off.  Just check their websites and click on "Weekly Offers."  I even linked them for you!)

How You Do It:

Step 1:  Plug in your glue gun and let that sucker heat up.

Step 2:  While you wait on that, start cutting your foliage the desired length. It's totally up to you if you want it a little longer or a little shorter. I went with a medium length.  When you're done cutting enough for the amount of babies you have, set it aside.

Step 3:  Take your plastic babies out of their packaging and try not to get creeped out by the ones with the crazy eyes.

 I'll have your souls!!!
Step 4:  Your glue gun should be good and hot by now, so we're ready to glue our foliage on top of our plastic baby's head!  Let's do it!  Use your glue gun and apply just a tiny drop of glue on baby's head.  Quickly, before your glue dries, press your foliage into the glue.  (Careful, cos that shit's hot.)  You might want to add one more little drop of glue just to make sure your foliage is good and stuck.  Reinforce that shit!  Feel free to add a little more foliage if baby looks a little too bare for your taste.  Let it dry completely and then peel off any of those glue strings that you get when using a glue gun.  You know the ones I'm talking about.

Step 5:  Now just repeat the steps for however many mandrake cupcakes you'd like to make.  And BAM!  You got yourself a mandrake baby!

Step 6:  Put the lil' guys in your plastic storage box and store it somewhere you'll remember.  Cos there's nothing worse than making something awesome and then forgetting where you put it.

Fangirl Pro Tip #1:  You'll more than likely have some foliage left over. Keep it!  You can always reuse it next year for more mandrake cupcakes and that'll be one less thing you have to buy!

The Damage:

Like any good crafter, I already had a glue gun and glue sticks. And like any good type A, overly organized, obsessive compulsive, I already had a storage box handy too. 
So I only needed to purchase the babies and the foliage.
After using coupons, I got 40% off each item and I ended up spending a mere $2.98 for the whole project!  Holla!

And with that, I'm now officially one step closer to being prepared for my amazing Harry Potter Halloween!  Don't forget to check back often for even more ideas!

Mischief Managed!      

Thursday, March 6, 2014

EvilEva's Trailer Park Dissects Divergent And Shows Veronica Mars Some LoVe

March 14th!  It's so close I can practically taste it.  And it tastes like... marshmallows!  I'm, of course, talking about the Veronica Mars movie! 
After what feels like forever, V and the gang are FINALLY headed for the big screen!!!  And if Veronica and Logan cute-ing up the cover of Entertainment Weekly wasn't enough for you, I've got even more scoop to keep your inner fangirl sqeeeing and swooning!

First of all, you can now check out the first 2 minutes of the movie!!!  Yeah!  Like, right now!  While you're just sitting around in your jammies!  In the privacy of your own home!  Go ahead!  DO IT!  I'll wait. 

Wasn't that awesome!?!  I know it's basically just a rehash of everything we already know, but who cares?!?!  It's the first moments of the movie, y'all!  It's our first moments back in Neptune since 2007!  That's 7 friggin' Veronica-less years!  We have SOOOOOO much to catch up on!  
And if that wasn't enough, check this:

It's the cover art of the first Veronica Mars book!  It's called The Thousand Dollar Tan Line and it's written by show creator, Rob Thomas and Jennifer Graham.  You can add this little bit of sass and mystery to your bookshelf March 25th for the somewhat low price of $15.95.

And that's not even all, y'all!  There's also talk of a Veronica Mars spinoff series coming to the CW Seed!  Rob Thomas will be at the helm of the project but so far no word on who will star in it.  I'm hoping for a Piz and Wallace buddy comedy!  Which, if you know me at all, has been my dream since the show went off the air.  But I'd be totally cool with a Mac spinoff too!  Either way, I'll definitely keep you posted.

So speaking of things being close, March 21st isn't that far off either.  But I find it tastes less like marshmallows and more like Dauntless chocolate cake!  ;)
Nice segue, huh?  As if you didn't already know, the movie version of Divergent will be headed to a theater near you March 21st.  And since I was in bloggy exile for quite some time, I completely shirked my duties of posting and reviewing the trailer.  Well, there's no time like the present, right?  
So, here is the official trailer for the Divergent movie. You know, in case you've also been in bloggy exile for the past few months (or just living under a rock.)


Ok, now let's discuss the shizz outta this!

Check out the factions, y'all. Look at all those colors! It's like a Benetton ad from the 80s!  Well except for the fact that Benetton would never have their colors all divided like that.  They were all about the unity, people!   

Um, excuse me but your faction is Abnegation. You definitely should tone it down with that makeup, girl.  I mean, how did you even apply that mascara? You can only look in a mirror four months out of the year.

Ok, I've never seen Jai Courtney in anything before but he looks sufficiently douchey enough to pull off Eric's supreme doucheyness.   

Time for simulations!  P.S. your bun is amazing!

Yay!  Maggie Q!  I'm beyond stoked that Nikita is gonna play Tori!

Soooo you wanna be Dauntless, huh?  Well alls ya got to do is jump off this here roof into that there dark hole with no knowledge of what could be down there.  Could be snakes.  Or maybe spiders.  Or maybe nothing.  Hell, maybe it's an endless hole.  Maybe you'll just keep falling forever and ever.
Or maybe there's a net and a hot guy with a number for a name.

Well, hello, Four.  "Welcome to Dauntless," indeed.

And as an introduction to your new faction, here are some knives thrown at your face.   

Ah, the ferris wheel!  I don't know about you, but this is one of the scenes that I'm looking forward to the most.  So don't fuck it up, Summit.

Uh oh.  Things are about to get bad.  REALLY bad.  Like, Dauntless-under-a-simulation bad.  So hide yo transfers, hide yo Dauntless-born cuz they shootin' everybody out here.  

I'm excited for the train jump too!  Weeeeeeee!!!

Oooh, swoony times!  I don't recall things getting quite so steamy in the book though.  But who cares!  You know we're always all for shirtlessness here at Nancy Drew Is My Homegirl headquarters.  

And then there's that bitch Jeanine.  Although in this screen grab, I'm more interested in the guy on the left.  He looks a little like Woody the coroner from Psych, does he not?  Although Woody would NEVER join Jeanine.  He would probably be a part of Amity and enjoy some silly times on that magical bread they've got!  :)       

This scene better not get fucked up either.  In fact, you know, this whole movie is basically just made up of scenes that better not get fucked up.  I guess we'll have to wait and see how Tris and Co. fare. 

But if the 21st feels too far away to you and you want your Divergent now Daddy!, well just check out this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly, Veruca.

And if you're looking for some Divergent swag so you can attend the movie premiere in true fangirl style, Hot Topic's got ya covered.  You can show off your faction devotion with this t-shirt.  Or be a little more subtle with this Dauntless symbol necklace or these faction pins.  Or go more of the badass route with these temporary tattoos.

And after the movie, if you wanna be all weird with your book love, you can get your very own Divergent Barbie dolls.  You can get Tris (whose skin tone is described as "nostalgic") or Four (whose shirt you can remove in order to marvel at his back tattoos. Cos that isn't weird at all.) and reenact your favorite scenes!  (Cos that's also not weird at all.)

Well, that's all the news for now.  Now I'll turn it over to you guys.  Hit me up in the comments section and tell me the exact amount of excited you are for both of these movies!  Which Neptunian are you the most psyched to see again?  What scene in Divergent are you most looking forward to?  Have you already got your premiere day outfits picked out?  And what do you really think of those dolls?  (Gotta admit, they kinda creep me out.)

Welp, gotta jet.  There's a Divergent T that's calling my name.  ;)     

Kisses, marshmallows!