Evil Eva Reviews... The Magicians

EvilEva reviews ...... The Magicians by Lev Grossman.

Dissecting The Cover:

I don't really understand this cover. I guess it's supposed to represent the tree that Quentin magicked into being at the end of the book? No spoiler alert needed there as said scene with said tree is of no real importance to the story. Which makes it a fairly odd choice to use such a throw-away scene as "cover material."

A more accurate cover would feature a gaggle of melancholy teens, smoking and drinking and looking completely bored with their trivial, pedestrian lives.

This cover, however, with its copse of tranquil trees and its serene little stream looks better suited for a brochure for a mental health facility.

You know, on second thought, maybe this is the perfect cover choice after all!

Let's Review:

Quentin Coldwater is perfectly bored with his perfectly planned life. Everything is laid out before him, opportunities well within his grasp.
Yet while trudging through the drudgery of everyday life, Quentin longs for something more. Silly as it seems, he can't help but dream of the fantastical, fictional world of Fillory, a magical land from the pages of his favorite childhood stories.
The books brimmed with strange creatures, daring escapes, perilous journeys.
Quentin's life of college interviews, clueless parents and unrequited love seems spectacularly lackluster by comparison.
So when a way out suddenly presents itself, Quentin jumps at the chance to finally embark on an adventure of his own.
It begins when a simple piece of paper leads him to the discovery of a lifetime. Magic is real!
It exists within the walls of an exclusive college, hidden away in upstate New York where only a chosen few possess the ability to find it.
Quentin is one of those few.
At Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, Quentin will be taught the principles of magic and learn what it takes to become a true magician.
It's exactly the kind of excitement he's been searching for!
Little does Quentin know, it could also lead him to the very thing he's been so desperate to find--- a way in to Fillory.
With the help of his friends and his newly acquired skills, Quentin sets off on the ultimate quest: the pursuit of all that he desired from his past and everything he could ever imagine for his future.

Here's What I Think:

I really have to hand it to myself, I made this book sound totally readable in the Let's Review section. However, the truth of the matter is, I hated this book. And I don't mean in an "aw I really wanted to like it but I didn't. what a bummer" kind of way. I'm talking about a "rip the spine right down the middle, hurl the thing across the room, salt and burn the earth where it lands" level of hatred. Which is kind of crazy because it had so much potential.
It's been touted by other reviewers as an adult version of Harry Potter.
It received raves from George R. R. Martin and John Green (authors I actually like.) 
And after reading a sample of the first chapter I myself was intrigued enough to give it a try. A decision I quickly regretted.
So where did it all go wrong?
Well, there was the plot, the pacing, the characters, the dialogue, the lack of actual magic. I could go on. And I will!
Behold my list of grievances!

Grievance #1.
I'll start with the fact that I don't know what to call this thing. I mean, I do----
piece of shit
waste of time
boredom personified.
But as far as genre goes, I don't really know where to put it.
I mean, this book is seriously all over the place, leading me to believe that Mr. Grossman suffers from what I have coined Distracted Dug Syndrome.
Distracted Dug Syndrome, or DDS as it is more commonly known, is a condition in which a person (such as the aforementioned author) is focused on their work, chugging along, getting shit done when all of a sudden SQUIRREL!

They become distracted, lose their train of thought and then hitch that train to a wholly different caboose only to have it chug off in a completely different direction than the one it was originally pointed in.
It is my professional opinion that this was the case with The Magicians.
For instance, chapter 1 finds Quentin discovering a dead body.
We don't know who this corpse is or how he died or what this means for Quentin. Ah, so obviously a mystery is afoot, right?
Wrong! This poor unfortunate soul gets maybe four pages in which we learn nothing about him, nothing is resolved as far as he (whoever he might be) is concerned and I guess it's a good thing Quentin wasn't particularly traumatized by this event because we never hear about it again. And all of a sudden the story devolves into something completely different.
As I said--- SQUIRREL!
Now Quentin is attending a secret, exclusive Hogwarts-esque magic school. Well, this book is called The Magicians so I guess that makes more sense than a possible murder mystery. Alright. I'll roll with it.
I will admit that Mr. Grossman spent a little more time ripping off Harry Potter than he did with that half-assed whodunit. However, it's not long before--- SQUIRREL!
And suddenly we're dumped in some sort of low budget Narnia. So..... wait..... now it's a fantasy novel? I am so confused. But, like I said, I can roll with this. I like lions. I like witches. I like wardrobes. Let's end this thing on a high note! Let's vanquish evil and save Fillory! Who's with me!
-SQUIRREL!-
Goddammit!!!! Now it's a coming-of-age story!?!? Now we're "learning lessons?" "Growing up?" "Gaining insight?"
What the fuck am I reading!?!?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for genres colliding. I like a good supernatural mystery. A historical romance. A supernatural romance. A historical mystery. A comedic drama. A dramatic comedy. Hell, I'll take a historical, romantic, mysterious, supernatural, comedic, dramatic, sci-fi, fantasy, horror, coming-of-age story. As long as it's done well.  As long as the transitions between genres are seamless and everything comes together and makes sense in the end.
Unfortunately that didn't happen here. And I think the whole genre confusion is ultimately what lead to such a disjointed plot. Also known as...

Grievances #2.
The best way I can think of to describe the plot would be if the author grabbed several books from his shelf at random, stuffed them in a blender, hit puree, dumped the whole big mess on to paper and named it The Magicians.
Like I said, the story is just all over the place.
It begins in Brooklyn where Quentin fantasizes about being anywhere else. Then there's a death, an odd paramedic, and a folder with Quentin's name on it which leads him to this mysterious estate in upstate New York which turns out to be a magic school called Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy. So Quentin takes a test, passes, and is allowed to attend this magic school. Which he does until he's whisked away to Brakebills South in Antarctica, then it's back to the regular Brakebills where Quentin promptly graduates somehow even though we never really read about him actually going to classes or doing homework or taking tests. It should be noted here that all of this has been crammed into part 1 of this book. There are still three parts left in which Quentin flees to Manhattan where he discovers that Fillory, a magical Narnia-esque place he thought only existed in the pages of his favorite childhood book series, actually exists in real life and he can actually go there. But first he has to travel through the Neitherlands which is like a giant portal-possessing waiting room and THEN he finally gets to Fillory only to find it's not what he thought it would be so he goes back to NYC where he works for some account team.
I know. What!? The actual!? FUCK!?!?
And that's not all. Not only does the story bounce around from place to place, but storylines are constantly introduced only to invariably be dropped and replaced by a whole new storyline that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the first one only to then have the original storyline reappear some 200 pages later with a "resolution" that seems thrown in as an afterthought.
Like, Oh, by the way, this is what happened to Alice's brother, and this is why Professor Mayakovsky was banished to Antarctica and oh yeah, remember that Beast fella from chapter 8 well it's actually [redacted]
But none of these come as big reveals or jaw-dropping revelations. Instead they land with a hollow THUNK! because any kind of interest you might have invested in the answer died a slow painful death long ago.
There are just too many ideas and not enough follow through which makes the plot a confusing mess which ultimately aids in the fuck-upping of other aspects of the story, like the pacing. Or as it shall henceforth be known...

Grievance #3.
The pacing is unbelievably haphazard, making the timeline practically impossible to follow. One day can drag on for a whole chapter while an entire year is gone within the span of a couple of sentences. And these time jumps aren't used to propel the story forward. They just seem thrown in (like everything else in this book) for no reason.
It doesn't keep the reader on their toes, it confuses them to the point that they're forced to flip back however many pages it takes to figure out what fucking day it is and how much fucking time has passed. It's especially frustrating when the parts of the story that could have potential, like the magic classes and the ins and outs of Fillory, are rushed through and summarized quickly. While the parts that are boring and offer no real relevance to the story, like the inane game of Welters that wants so badly to be Quidditch and what it's like being a fucking goose, have paragraphs upon paragraphs of mind-numbing prattle devoted to them.
At times it can make getting through the book really hard. It's like wading through raw sewage with waders on. Or slogging through a shitstorm with a faulty umbrella. 
Although no matter how bothersome and tedious the pacing might seem it is nothing compared to big fat....

Grievances #4.
Which is the characters. It is a rare book indeed when you can find absolutely NO character that you like/relate to/root for. But, lo and behold The Magicians is that rare book.
The "hero" of our story is Quentin Coldwater. And the best word I can think of to use to describe him is insufferable. Completely and utterly insufferable. He does nothing but whine and complain and blame everything and everyone for his "problems" when really the only "problem" he seems to suffer from is being a pathetic little bitch. He literally gets everything he wants and he's still not happy. I mean, he basically gets accepted to Hogwarts, finds a girlfriend that loves him despite his awful personality, journeys to Narnia, defeats an evil monster, gets handed a crown, a kingdom, and a high paying job at which he doesn't even have to do any actual work and all he can muster is boredom, self-pity, and mild depression.
Basically you spend the whole book wanting to punch him in the throat and coming up with colorful little nicknames for him like Harry Twatter.
And I know what you're thinking, what about the other characters? Surely there's at least one that you're happy to see appear on the page. No. There's not. The rest of the characters are just as terrible.  Probably because they're all more or less the same person. Every character in this book (their names really don't even matter) is pretty much interchangeable. No one has an individual voice or any kind of distinguishing qualities to differentiate them from the next loser. It's just hipster douches as far as the eye can see.
And they're all so "brilliant" and so "gifted" and so disgustingly underwhelmed that they've been hand-picked to attend this secret university that teaches MAGIC!
Ugh! They all act so blasé and above it all. Like it's no big deal that they basically MADE IT TO HOGWARTS! And who even cares that they get to use REAL MOTHERFUCKING MAGIC!
It made me want to go full Voldemort on these ungrateful brats! I was seriously more invested in thinking about what I could use as my own Horcruxes so that this plan may come to fruition than I was with reaching the end of this book and finding out what happens to these boring entitled shitheads.
Now, you  might be thinking, well certainly with Quentin and Co. starting out as the human equivalent of hot garbage those 402 pages should afford them plenty of opportunities to reform, evolve and become decent non-garbage people, right? No, you stupid optimist.
These characters end exactly as they began. Immature, stunted, self-centered and miserable. Or as I said before, completely and utterly insufferable. Seriously. They should just rename this book Hipsters Hate Adventures. Or The Chronicles of Nothing: The Lion, The Witch and The Whatever. Or Harry Potter and the Too-Cool-For-Magic-School Classmates. Any one of these titles would be acceptable as they all succinctly describe the character's perpetual flippancy. They also happen to accurately describe the story between the pages of this book far better than the actual title does. Because after reading it, you know the characters are douchebags, you're not so sure however if they are actually magicians. Which leads me to the final and possibly gravest of grievances.

Grievances #5.
Where exactly is the magic!?!?!?
I mean, the book is called The MAGICIANS, there is a MAGIC school where they teach MAGIC to students who want to become MAGICIANS but there are no spells cast, no potions made, no charms used, no curses uttered. And no explanation is ever given for how any of this works. Apparently we don't need to know the mechanics involved with levitating a marble or bending light or flying to the fucking moon! All we need to know is that it can be done and we call this magic. Which is basically what one of the professors at this "prestigious college" says to his impressionable students:

"In any case, we do not and cannot understand what magic is, or where it comes from any more than a carpenter understands why a tree grows. he doesn't have to know. He works with what he has."

If that's the case, then why exactly do they need to attend these classes? Why does a magic school even need to exist?
It's like an English Lit professor saying you don't have to know how to read in order to understand literature.
It's an easy out. And in taking it, Grossman completely misses out on any opportunity to fully engage his reader by providing details that could set his story apart from others like it.
I mean, this is fantasy. You have the keys to the kingdom. You can create worlds and languages and creatures. You can make the impossible possible, the unbelievable believable, transform the ordinary into the extraordinary.
So just saying magic is magic because it's magic seems like a cop out, not to mention a total insult to the reader.
Although, I'm really not at all surprised to feel underwhelmed by this book yet again. It was pretty much my permanent state while reading it. I mean, I've already dealt with sloppy writing, dropped storylines and forgotten characters so the fact that this magic school ended up being less than magical seems like par for the motherfucking course.
In fact, I'm fairly certain the only real magic involved here is how my interest in this stupid story -POOF!- disappeared. I guess this was a rather long way of telling you what I actually already told you at the very beginning of this review/rant, which is I HATED this book.
For me, The Magicians was like a Dementor from that other far superior fantasy series, it just sucks your soul right out of you. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find a piece of chocolate, lie down and try my best to recover.

Swoony Times:

This is not a swoony book. There are no sexy times. I mean, there is sex but it is definitely NOT sexy. Unless people transforming into foxes and fucking is your thing. If so, there is that in this book. Also, on a sidenote, you might want to consider some kind of psychiatric help as an affinity for fox-fucking is a pretty weird affinity to have.
Anyhoo, I'm fairly certain the reason for such an abysmal showing of the swoons is entirely thanks to Quentin and his nonexistent personality. Being that he is such a whiny, angsty, entitled turd of a person, it's really no surprise that he has pretty much zero chemistry with anyone he comes into contact with. But I suppose one could say he has the most least chemistry with Alice. Or the least most chemistry? I don't know. However you want to phrase it, Quentin and Alice are the "romantic leads" of the story. I have used quotation marks here as Quentin and Alice's "romance" is in no way "romantic."
Their relationship feels completely forced. Like they've stuck together strictly because Quentin happens to be the main character and the main character obviously needs to have a love interest and because Alice.....
Well, I don't exactly know why Alice feels the need to be saddled with Quentin. She could do so much better than this wretched little weenie. Well maybe not so much better because honestly there is nary a swoonworthy boy to be found in this book.
But literally anyone would be an improvement over Quentin. Seriously. It is so hard for me to believe that anyone would be interested in Quentin AT ALL much less in a "let's take off all our clothes and hug with our genitals" type of way.
In fact, it is at this point in the story where I had to suspend my disbelief the most.
There's a wizarding school in New York, you say? Sounds legit.
A magical land from a fictional book actually exists? Perfectly feasible.
Teenagers turn into geese and fly to Antarctica? Highly logical, Mr. Spock.
But are you really trying to tell me that there is someone out there that finds Quentin to be suitable boyfriend material!?!?!
Surely you jest, sir.

Bonus Shizz:

Magic School!
As someone who has read the Harry Potter books and watched the Harry Potter movies and obsessed over the Harry Potter universe (and as someone who is both living and breathing) obviously my ultimate goal in life is to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
I'm actually still anxiously awaiting my letter of acceptance. It should be here any day now.
But in the meantime I thought I would check out Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, and let me just say, it's less expecto patronum, more expecto disappointment.
See, Hogwarts is like an illustrious ivy league while Brakebills is your safety school. You're almost guaranteed an easy in but you don't really want to go there.
So even though there are few things that tickle my fancy quite like a magic school, this one just wasn't for me.
*sighs* Maybe I'll take a year off instead. To find myself....
or Narnia!

Book Lovers!
I love when characters in books LOVE books. It's like meeting a kindred spirit. And despite his many flaws that irritated the ever-loving fuck out of me, Quentin's unwavering obsession with his favorite book series was something I could actually relate to.
Getting lost in another world, finding hope and redemption in a character, believing wholeheartedly in something that can't be done, envisioning yourself somewhere far better than where you  are. The knowledge that you can relive it all in one afternoon, snuggled in your coziest nook by simply turning a page is, in itself, true magic. Because as every book lover knows, a good story never lets you go.

Mix Tape:

If this book had a soundtrack.....













If You Liked That, Try This:

*The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.
*The Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis.

The Scale of Judgment Says:

Zero points for Mr. Grossman!

The truth is, I hated this book so much that I'm going to award it The Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather Seal Of Disapproval. Also known as.....

Which I will be presenting to any book that scores a 1 Nancy rating on The Scale of Judgment from this review on!

Evil Eva Reviews... Shadowlands

EvilEva reviews ...... Shadowlands by Kate Brian. 

 
Dissecting The Cover:

I might actually like this cover if not for the oddly fancifully-dressed young lady right smack dab in the center of it. I mean, WTF? At no point in this book is Rory super dressed up. (She's also not a brunette.) So I don't get the fancy girl at all. Or the birds. Or the equally inappropriately attired blond (or is she a redhead? or is it that hideous ombre which I blame Pinterest for?) on the back cover.
I imagine the meetings for this cover design (and most YA covers in general) went a little something like this:
"Quick! Get me a teen, a fancy gown, and some random something that will appear equal parts innocuous and ominous!"
I do like the font and the color of the title though. And I like the cloudy, there's a storm a-brewin' background. If only they had stopped there.

Let's Review:

Rory Miller was taking a shortcut home from school when she was attacked.
She would've been killed like the rest of Steven Nell's victims, but she managed to get away.
And so did Steven Nell.
With Rory alive and a killer on the loose, the FBI is afraid he'll come back for her. So they place Rory, her father, and her sister Darcy in witness protection, sending them to the remote island of Juniper Landing, where everything, from the homes to the people, seems a little too perfect.
Rory and Darcy are immediately befriended by a mysterious group of locals and soon enough their schedules are filled with bonfires and parties. But while the carefree vibe of the island helps with Rory's anxieties, she still can't shake the memory of her terrifying ordeal.
Then the disappearances start.
And Rory is convinced Steven Nell has found her once again.
Is it merely coincidence? Or is Nell back to finish the job?
And is that even Rory's biggest problem? Because the beautiful island of Juniper Landing is holding a dark secret of its own.

Here's What I Think:

In a way I feel slightly cheated by this book. Based on the inside jacket cover blurb, I thought Shadowlands would be an on-the-lam, cat-and-mouse, psycho-killer-stops-at-nothing-to-get-the-one-that-got-away type of book.
And while it is partly that, I felt like the main focus was really the island Rory and her family are relocated to, and the weird and mysterious shizz that immediately starts going down once they arrive.
Which isn't that big of a deal. I mean, I like mysterious islands. I watched Lost (until it got all tedious.)
But because of the blurby, false advertising, coupled with the fact that I knew this story would be spread out over three books, I felt like the beginning was a little rushed.
In a way, I guess that's my own fault. I just assumed that the build up of Rory being preyed upon would make up the bulk of the book. But within the first few chapters, Rory's attacked, gets away, the FBI is called, Steven Nell evades capture, and Rory and her family are sent to live elsewhere under semi-assumed names. It's all just a little too much at once. 
And, unfortunately, this was the first of many problems I had with this book. And I HATE saying that because I heart Kate Brian. But Shadowlands and I just didn't seem to click. 
For starters, I never really connected with Rory. I mean, sure, I felt bad for her. She just went through this terrible, traumatic event, she's forced to leave her home and everything familiar for some unknown location, AND she's still being pursued by some whackjob. 
I get it. That majorly sucks. However, it's no excuse to abandon any kind of a personality. And I felt like Rory didn't really have one. Her character just fell flat for me.
In fact, most of the characters seemed one-dimensional. I found that I really didn't care what happened to any of them, I gave less than a shit about their well being, and whenever they seemed to be in perilous danger, I might have actually stifled a yawn.
Which is complete madness because normally Kate Brian is a wiz at character development. Unfortunately, the characters of Shadowlands seemed to be suffering from a terrible case of the blahs though. (Except Olive. She was by far the most likable. I mean, she plays guitar, hates running, and dresses like a vaguely emo Claudia Kishi! Get me a "wild" BFF charm necklace that I can bestow upon her STAT!)
Another problemo I had with this book was its Big Bad. Or rather how the seemingly incompetent FBI "handled" him. Which was incompetently.
I mean, I'm pretty sure if a serial killer was fo sho after you, the FBI wouldn't merely shove you in an SUV and have you rely solely on GPS technology to get you where you're supposed to go.
I'm fairly certain you would be escorted in some fashion to your new location by someone that actually works for the bureau. I would really hope they wouldn't leave something that important up to your dumb ass.
I'm also fairly certain they wouldn't let you keep your first names and simply change your last name. I mean, this "Steven Nell" fellow is supposed to be some kind of criminal genius, having killed at least 14 people and evading the law for years, but he's suddenly gonna get tripped up because you changed your last name from Miller to Thayer?!? Even though you're STILL a family of three comprised of a father named Nick and his two daughters, Rory and Darcy?!? WHAT?!?! No! Just..... no.
So, ok, technically my problem was more with the dum-dum FBI rather than with Steven Nell.
Really as far as Big Bads go, he's not too shabby. In fact, he practically seemed plucked right out of an episode of Criminal Minds. Which is to say, he's a total creep.
Most of the chapters are told from Rory's POV, but a few give us insight into the completely twisted, disturbo mind of Steven Nell. His chapters made me super uncomfortable. It's like that feeling you get when someone's breathing down the back of your neck. *shudders in revulsion*
Ok, so, by this point in the review you're probably thinking, "Damn, bitch! What did you like about this book? According to the Scale of Judgment you gave it a solid 3, which makes it Mildly Amusing. So where's the Mildly Amusing part?!"
Well, calm down, y'all! I'm getting to it.
What I DID like about Shadowlands is that it involved a mystery! I LOVE mysteries! I get super excited when a mystery starts to unravel. I love rustling up suspects, dodging red herrings, examining clues, identifying shady behavior! It gives me such a rush!
However, this mystery was kind of an unsolvable one. Or maybe I'm just an idiot. Either way, I didn't figure out the M. Night Shyamalan-ian twist at the end. I knew something was rotten in Denmark though, so I put on my Nancy Drew cap and got all thinky on this bitch!
Which, sadly, yielded zero results.
I like to think that's not my fault though.
I felt like the book was layered in too much random weirdness: point A not really connecting to point B, and point B only connecting to point C by a very thin, loose thread.
I think Kate Brian layered this book with too many twists and turns but didn't provide the reader with enough lil' bread crumbs to actually figure out what the fuck was going on.
But even though Shadowlands and I didn't totally hit it off, that doesn't mean I'm giving up on this trilogy.
Now that I know what's going on in Juniper Landing (more or less,) I'm hoping all the twists and turns and random weirdness  of the first book will be explained more succinctly in the sequel, HereAfter. (Available October 1st!)
Maybe I can get some of my mystery-solver street cred back. ;)

Swoony Times:

There really aren't any swoony times to be had in this book. And rightfully so. I mean, something super traumatic just happened to Rory. So, of course, she's still raw and vulnerable and scared out of her mind.
Not that that keeps her from noticing the boys Juniper Landing has to offer. I mean, she's still a teenage girl after all.
There's the dark-haired, cocky, popular pretty boy, Joaquin. He immediately takes a liking to Rory even though she totally throws 'I'm just not that into you' vibes his way.
But Darcy is seriously (and somewhat embarrassingly) smitten with him.
Rory's more into Tristan, the mysterious, blond, man-of-few-words type.
Nothing really comes of either coupling, but hey, it is a trilogy. Maybe some major makeout seshes and copious swoony times are on the horizon!

Bonus Shizz:

Nice Digs!

Even though Juniper Landing seems seriously shady, I couldn't help but be taken in by the descriptions of the beachy atmosphere!

Rory and Darcy have a pretty sweet set up; a cozy cottage complete with window seat, winding staircase, floor to ceiling windows and easy access to the beach! I mean, if ya gotta hide out from a psychotic serial killer, it might as well be in a quaint, postcard-perfect beach town, am I right?

Mystery!
From the jump there seems to be something majorly up with the folks of Juniper Landing. I mean, we are almost at Stepford levels of bizarre here. And even with the hundreds of thousands of hours I've logged solving mysteries alongside Nancy Drew, Veronica Mars, Isabel Spellman, and Jessica Fletcher, I couldn't make heads nor tails of what exactly the eff was going on.
So the ending was quite a shock for me.
You bested me this time, Kate Brian, but I'm not willing to give up my magnifying glass just yet. You can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be sharpening my skills before the sequel comes out. ;)

Cliffhanger!
I know cliffhangers aren't for everyone. I know there are some people that reach the end, see the cliffhanger, and immediately start f-bombing it up while stomping around their house for like, a week, grumbling under their breath and throwing their hands in the air.
I'm the opposite. I LOVE cliffhangers!
In fact, if I know going in that I'm reading a trilogy or a series, I kinda just expect them.
I like to refer to this as The Alias Effect. If you watched the show (and why wouldn't you? It was AWESOME!) you know why.
If you didn't watch it (I don't know that we can be friends anymore. Especially if you're not at least willing to Netflix that shizz.) Alias pretty much couldn't end an episode with anything other than a cliffhanger. I don't care if it was the third episode of the season or the season finale; they were gonna leave you heart-pounding, mind-blown with maybe a little bit of pee in your pants. Because, with an ending like that, you gotta stick around and see what happens next! JJ Abrams was super crafty like that.
And even though I felt like I was slogging through some portions of this book, Kate Brian reeled me back in with that ending. Guess homegirl knows a thing or two about The Alias Effect herself. 

If You Liked That, Try This:

Private by Kate Brian. 

The Scale of Judgment Says:

...... 3.
A little more mystery, a little less "mysterious island," please.  

******

Evil Eva Reviews... Matched

EvilEva reviews ...... Matched by Ally Condie.

Dissecting The Cover:

Hey, it's Glinda the Good Witch of Match.com! JK!
I actually don't mind this cover. Even if it does commit a YA book cover double-whammy: Semi-faceless girl? Check. Fancy pretty dress? Double check. 
Howevs, at least the girl does look like Cassia. I mean, from what I can tell. Since, you know, she's semi-faceless and all. I mean, at least they got her hair color right. And the green dress looks very much the way Cassia's Match Banquet gown is described. 
Although, I don't recall there being a moment in which Cassia is stuck in a bubble. Unless you count the "bubble" that is the Society in which she lives. Boom! Your mind just got blown!

Let's Review:

In the Society, everything is predetermined. Nothing is left up to fate.
Where you'll work. Who you'll marry. Even when you'll die. It's all decided for you.
Cassia Reyes is on her way to becoming exactly who the Society wants her to be.
On her 17th birthday she finally finds out who they've chosen as her Match. Cassia is surprised (and more than a little relieved) to discover that the face on the screen at her Match Banquet is a familiar one. She already knows her Match! It's her best friend, Xander. Cassia feels beyond lucky.
Until an error occurs. Another face appears. Another boy Cassia knows.
Ky Markham.
But Cassia has already been Matched. And the Society is never wrong.
So what could it possibly mean? Is Cassia meant to be with her original Match? To live the happily ever after the Society has arranged for her?

Or will that split second of a different face, a possibly dangerous decision, change everything?

 

Here's What I Think:

For those that like their dystopias a little more romantic, swoony, and love triangle-y and a little less "Let's start a revolution!" or "Ah! Zombies! Ruuuun!," Matched is the book for you.
I'm not saying this is strictly a love story though. The Society is fucked up, to be sure, but because Cassia has been raised in it her entire life, she doesn't know any better. She doesn't know that there are things that should be questioned.
She blindly trusts her government. Until she doesn't.
To me, that was the brilliance of this book. With other dystopian novels, because of the main character's already strong point of view, we pretty much know early on that shizz is super shady and that officials are not to be trusted. But Ally Condie allowed the bullshizziness of her dystopian Society to unfurl slowly.
In fact, while reading I thought, this doesn't seem as bad as Panem where they televise young children fighting each other to the death. And at least they haven't completely outlawed love and decided that it's a disease that needs to be eradicated a la Delirium.
They just want to find you your perfect Match. And place you in the right career. And dictate how many children you can have. And--- Holy shit! I've drunk the Kool-Aid!
But see! That's how they get ya.
Everything seems fine. Everyone seems content. But it's just smoke and mirrors. There's something truly unsettling about the Society. And it's because all the soul-sucking evilness is done subtly. All the changes happen slowly.
So it takes Cassia awhile to realize that her "choices" aren't for her own well being. In fact, her choices aren't really HER choices at all.
And when she realizes that and what that truly means, she finally decides to take her life and her fate into her own hands.
And she's pretty smart about it. She rebels quietly, on the down low. She doesn't immediately gather up her pitchforks and torches and start full-on raging against the machine.
Which is good because, in the Society, that's a quick way to get yourself red-pilled. So mucho snaps to Cassia for showing some smarts. Something she demonstrates further by recognizing that any decisions she makes to break the rules won't just result in consequences for herself, they also have the potential to endanger everyone she loves. So Cassia really has to think about the risks she's willing to take.
Not to imply she's some self-sacrificing donkey, shouldering all the burden, and not even entertaining the idea of getting someone else involved in her troubles.
That's one thing that I REALLY hate that seems to be super prevalent in YA. From Harry Potter to the Pretty Little Liars, it seems like everyone is totally wrapped up in this whole "being noble" bullshit. But you're not being noble. You're being an idiot. AND frustrating the reader to the point that they want to throw large, heavy objects at you.
WHY do fictitious people have such hang ups about asking for help? I mean, what are friends for?! You can't very well defeat a dark arts obsessed wizard or an anonymous stalker with an affinity for vowels by yourself.
Sorry. It seems I've gone off on another one of my classic tangents. Let's get back to the review at hand---
That's why I Judd Nelson fist pumped so hard for Cassia. Because she recognized that shit was about to hit the fan and she didn't shut down. She turned to her parents and her best friend, Xander.
And even though she couldn't be completely forthright with them , she did give them plenty of read-between-the-lines, what-i'm-telling-you-isn't-necessarily-what-we're-actually-discussing, wink-wink, know-what-I'm sayin'.
Most of Cassia's absolute truths were saved for Ky. And they revealed said truths slyly.
So, like I said, I appreciate that the author didn't just allow Cassia to suffer in silence and wallow in untold secrets for the entirety of a 366 page book. Because, also like I said, I HATE that.
Ok, I think I've pretty thoroughly exhausted that topic. So let's move on. In fact, let's go ahead and put a ribbon on this thing.
Is Matched the rip-roaringest, compulsively page-turniest dystopian on the block? Probably not. It was a bit slow at times and there were moments when I felt like Ally Condie was maybe over-describing the situation/character/event/common household item. But I don't fault her for that. Because homegirl can flat-out write! 
More than anything, Matched is a beautifully written story about a sweet first time romance and what it means to find your own freedom.

Swoony Times:

Matched delivers one of those tried and true themes commonly found in YA: the love triangle. But because the Society is so butt crazy controlling with its strict ass rules, the most one can hope for is a few longing glances, a little light hand holding, and maybe MAYBE a chaste kiss or two.
But, HELLO!, when you've got a love of triangular proportions, you're gonna want to up the ante eventually. And that's just what Ally Condie does. She provides the slow burn.
Cassia has a BIG decision to make, so she takes her time making it. And, surprisingly enough, this didn't make me want to pull my hair out in fistfuls, clutching them towards the sky and screaming, "JUST PICK ONE ALREADY!!!"
I mean, homegirl was conflicted. I get it.
Should she go with Xander, her best friend and original Match, knowing that he would be her safest bet and that she would always be happy enough with him?
Or should she really take a chance and choose Ky, the momentary glitch in the system, knowing that in choosing him everything in her world will completely change?
It is quite the dilemma picking one handsome, smart dude that totally adores you over another equally handsome, equally smart dude that also happens to totally adores you.
So, who was I rooting for?
I think I'll take a Team Ky t-shirt; light pink, size M.
Although, in truth, Cassia really couldn't go wrong no matter which guy she chose. Both Ky and Xander possess the boyfriend potential trifecta: intelligence, a kind heart and a hot body!
But Ky's character was a little more fleshed out. We get to know him on a deeper level. Plus, I gotta admit, he totally won me over with the sneaky, wonderful way he shared his story with Cassia.

Bonus Shizz:

Dystopia!

Oh dystopias! I wish I could quit you. Although not really because this has, surprisingly enough, been the one genre where I have yet to stumble upon a stinker.

I mean, The Hunger Games, Delirium, Divergent, the Walking Chaos trilogy? Loved 'em all!
And Matched fits right in. True, it might not be the balls to the walls, thrill a minute, action-packed type of new world that you might be expecting. But that's ok. Personally, I would rather have a little variety now and then than read the same old story of Girl Meets Boy And Other Boy and Must Almost Single-handedly Save The World.

Love Triangles!
I've got a real love/hate relationship with love triangles. When done properly I think they can be fun and swoony and just a teeny bit heartbreaking (but in a good way.) When done improperly however--- UGH! Don't even get me started. *cough*Bella/Jacob*cough*
The love triangle of Cassia, Ky, and Xander is one I can get behind. Cassia's feelings for both boys never felt forced or rushed. And because they all grew up together, the progression from "it sure is fun swimming together," to "hey, you're actually pretty cute," seemed natural. 
And even though it's fairly obvious that romantically Cassia prefers Ky, it's equally as obvious that she genuinely loves Xander too. But hey, you never really know. I mean, there are two other books in the series and I guess anything could happen.

Noteworthy:

From page 127:

The books' backs are broken; their bones, thin and delicate, fall out. The workers shove them toward the incineration tube; they step on them. The bones crackle under their boots like leaves.

This passage left me seriously conflicted. On the one hand, it's so beautifully written.
But then there's that other hand. It physically hurt my stomach to read this paragraph. As a book nerd I absolutely cannot abide book homicide. Also, I'm not too keen on people being told what they can and can't read either.

If You Liked That, Try This:

Delirium by Lauren Oliver.

The Scale Of Judgment Says:

...... 4.
A sweet first-love story with a dash of rebellion on top!

******

    

Evil Eva Reviews... Epic Fail

EvilEva reviews ...... Epic Fail by Claire LaZebnik. 

Dissecting The Cover:

This cover is (unfortunately) so very YA. Headless half teens! It's an epidemic, really. Also, after reading this book, I'm at a complete loss for what the title or the picture has to do with the actual story. It seriously makes no sense.

Let's Review:

It's the beginning of junior year for Elise Benton. But instead of spending it in Amherst, Massachusetts like usual, she and her 3 sisters are uprooted and plopped down in Los Angeles.
Elise, her older sister Juliana and their 14 year old sister Layla will attend the exclusive Coral Tree Prep, a private school where their father now teaches math and their mother is the new principal. Not a very friend-winning situation.
But when Juliana manages to catch the eye of the charming, popular and rich Chase Baldwin, Elise is introduced to Chase's best friend, Derek Edwards.
Derek is the son of Hollywood royalty and thus ALL the girls in school are hopelessly crushing on him. But Elise is less than impressed with his high-and-mighty act. In fact, she finds Derek's enemy, Webster Grant, to be much more swoonworthy.
But Elise is new in town and doesn't have all the facts. And at Coral Tree Prep, things are far from what they seem.

Here's What I Think:

I was all set to like this book. For one thing, it's written by Claire LaZebnik, an author whose chick-lit I totally dig. And two, it's a retelling of Pride and Prejudice which is one of my all-time fave books.
But I just couldn't connect with this story. The characters seemed a little too sweetie-sweet and too gee-golly-willikers for my taste, especially since this book was supposed to be a modern take on an old classic. That was my problem with the dialogue too.  The way the characters spoke to one another didn't seem authentically teenager-y to me.
There wasn't much (or any, really) cussing which I think is bullshit. I mean, what teenager doesn't cuss? At least once in awhile? Especially when the people you're dealing with act like snooty a-holes?
I'm sure some people will find this wholesome and refreshing and a nice change for YA writing, but I'd rather have character authenticity than an adorable lil' world that so doesn't exist. I mean, it's what I imagine living in a Taylor Swift song would be like. It was just a little too wholesome for me.
Another problem I had was that there were a few scenes that seemed thrown in. They didn't really help to move the story along. It seemed like filler to push the main characters together in order to make the reader root for these two crazy kids. Those parts felt a little awkward. Like, and now we're on a class trip, at the beach, at night, looking at the stars, for no apparent reason. This was made even more infuriating when, even with all that ambiance, there were no swoony times to be had. Very disappointing. 
I guess I was just hoping for a little more of that Jane Austen drama. 
Ok, now I feel slightly shitty for basically ripping this book so let's try to end this review on a high note. 
Yes, I had a few issues with Epic Fail but it wasn't all bad. There were some cute parts and some funny moments here and there. I definitely think there are peeps out there that will appreciate the P & P vibe. And I did like the certain little wink-wink-nod-nods to Austen fans, like with the characters names. But, unfortunately, it just wasn't enough for me to really completely fall for this book.

Swoony Times:

There are a few cute moments between Elise and Derek like with the sprinkler and the ping pong. But I never quite felt that Mr. Darcy swoon for Derek. He was a little too stiff and serious for my taste. I mean, you don't have to go all Logan-Echolls-hosting-a-bum-fight but at least loosen up a little.  

Bonus Shizz:

Pride and Prejudice Retell!

Epic Fail is a modern retell of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice with Elise playing the role of Elizabeth Bennet to Derek's Mr. Darcy.
So of course the story is about Elise making snap judgments over Derek's snotty behavior and Derek assuming Elise is like the rest of her family, silly or indifferent or fame-obsessed. In other words, they're too proud and too prejudiced to really get to know each other in the beginning. Then of course they finally see the error of their ways and things get a'swoony.
Another fun bonus for fellow Austenophiles? The name game! Elise Benton= Elizabeth Bennet. Derek= Darcy. Webster= Wickham. Chase Baldwin= Charles Bingley. Jane= Juliana. Layla= Lydia. Kaitlyn= Kitty. And I guess fuck Mary because there were only 4 Benton sisters and nary a one with an M name. I always did feel bad for poor Mary. :(

If You Liked That, Try This:

Read the OG instead: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.
Or a far better retelling: Austenland by Shannon Hale.

The Scale Of Judgment Says:

...... 2 and a half.
Not an epic fail but not an epic success either.

Evil Eva Reviews... Pandemonium

EvilEva reviews ...... Pandemonium by Lauren Oliver.  

WARNING!

This is the SEQUEL to DELIRIUM!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Dissecting The Cover:

Um, I don't get this cover at all. I mean, I get that it matches the second Delirium cover (which also didn't make any sense.) (I'm also a little peeved because even though it does match the second cover, it totally does not match the first cover which is the copy that I own. So now my Delirium series won't look cohesive on my bookshelf. I'm being  punished for buying this book BEFORE it got out-of-control popular! I call shenanigans, Harper Collins!)
Anyway, I guess the foliage is supposed to represent the Wilds? Although there was never a point (nor would there ever be a point) when Lena would be frolicking among the flowers. It makes me wonder if whoever is responsible for these covers has even read the book between them.

Let's Review:

Lena made it over the fence and into the Wilds. Alex wasn't so lucky. Now Lena will have to learn to survive without him. Luckily she meets a girl named Raven who saves her from near-death and introduces her to a whole homestead of people like her and Alex.
People that don't believe love is a disease. People that believe you should have a choice. People against the Deliria-Free America organization. People with a plan to overthrow them.
After what happened to Alex, Lena is determined to join the fight.
With the help of her new found friends, Lena heads back to the city to put their plan into action.
But an incident with Julian Fineman, the son of the DFA's leader, could ruin it all. Or it could completely change everything.

Here's What I Think:

You may recall that I abso-fucking-lutely LOVED Delirium. Also that I've been stalking Lauren Oliver (in my mind only, of course) since reading Before I Fall. So obviously I was completely stoked when Pandemonium, the much anticipated sequel to Delirium, FINALLY came out.
And, of course, Lauren Oliver being the unbelievable author that she is, didn't disappoint this time around either.
Pandemonium starts off with Lena at some school in the present which is really the not-so-distant future because, if you'll remember correctly, last we left Lena she was headed for the Wilds NOT algebra class. The book ping-pongs from chapter to chapter, starting with this future "now," followed by "then" which chronicles Lena's time in the Wilds. It sounds confusing, I know, but give it a few chapters and I promise you'll sink into the story.
Even though this is the sequel to Delirium, it couldn't be more different. Where as the first book was more about falling in love, Pandemonium is more about survival. And while Lena was gutsy in Delirium, this time around she's downright badass. Cos, as it turns out, surviving in the Wilds is tough business, y'all. Especially when you've been sheltered your entire life.
So Lena has to harden herself and toughen up not only to make it through the day to day challenges of her new life but also so she can be ready to seek revenge against the people that took Alex away from her.
While we're on the subject of Alex--- and here's a bit of a SPOILER ALERT and also a mini rant for those that have read Delirium and thus feel my pain--- I CANNOT believe that Lauren Oliver would make us fall so completely butt-crazy in love with Alex only to let him be captured and possibly killed in the sequel! Yes, I know that's how Delirium ended, so I shouldn't be shocked that that's how Pandemonium starts, but I'm an optimist. All those many months anxiously awaiting the release of Pandemonium, my mind turned over the hundreds of thousands of scenarios in which Alex could have escaped, could still be alive, could have made it over the fence and reunited with Lena. But no. He's just gone. AWOL.
Lena thinks about him, sure, but then there's that Julian Fineman fella and that whole "trying to save their lives" thing that occupies her mind a little more. So it was kinda hard for me as an Alex fangirl and a Lena/Alex shipper, to suddenly be Alex-less and having this new guy thrust upon me that I'm supposed to be all swoony over now. But Alex is irreplaceable, y'all. I can't just jump on the Julian train simply because it's currently pulling into the station and my boy Alex is nowhere to be found. I'm completely loyal to my fictitious peeps that way. And crazy. I'm also crazy. ;)
Anyhoodle, other than the Alex withdrawal, Pandemonium is yet another fine feather in Lauren Oliver's awesome-writer cap.
And, my God!, with that ending!, it makes me even more excited for the final book! I can't even begin to imagine how it's all gonna end. But I can't wait to read it!

Swoony Times:

Since swoonypants Alex from Delirium is MIA in Pandemonium (is he dead!? is he imprisoned?! we don't know!) Lena needs a new guy to take her mind off her guilt/grief/sadness/Alex obsession.
Enter Julian Fineman, son of Thomas Fineman, the founder of the Deliria-Free-America organization. And while Julian does sound like a dreamboat being all blue-eyed and blond-haired, and while he does show amazing strength under pressure, and while he does seem to genuinely care about Lena, he's just not Alex. Lena may have been able to move on but I just can't. For me, it's as simple as that. Team Alex 4ever!

Bonus Shizz:

Dystopia!
Dystopias are really hot right now. Sequels to dystopias? Even hotter.
And Pandemonium totally delivers. There's action, adventure, romance, drama. Everything you could possibly want in a futuristic world-gone-to-hell thriller!

Survival Of The Fittest!
The Wilds is a brutal place. You've got to know your shizz in order to survive. Lena's lucky enough to meet people right off the bat that are willing to show her the ropes.
Being a crafty MacGyver-type my damn self, I'm always interested to read about people finding inventive ways to do normal things they can no longer do normally. Plus there's the added bonus of totally preparedness for when that whole zombie apocalypse happens. Y'all come on over. I've got backup generators! :)
(P.S. sorry to tell anyone that hasn't read Lauren Oliver's series yet, but there are no zombies in it. Just an evil corporation that hates love.)

Cliffhanger!
Some people don't care for cliffhangers but I love 'em. And Pandemonium has one hell of a cliffhanger. Obviously I can't (and won't) say more but let me just tell ya--- You. Will. Be. SHOCKED!

If You Liked That, Try This:

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins.
Divergent by Veronica Roth.

The Scale Of Judgment Says:

...... 5!
This is Lauren Oliver. Blowing my mind. Yet again.

Evil Eva Reviews... The Fault In Our Stars

Evil Eva reviews ...... The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. 

Dissecting The Cover:

This cover is very simple which I think is great because the story is very complicated. I mean, it's about cancer, that's some serious biz, y'all. Yet the cover is completely void of anything screaming "Warning: This Is A Sad Cancer Book in Which Someone Will Invariably Die At The End."

Let's Review:

Hazel Grace Lancaster is a 16 year old girl living with cancer, relegated to attend a weekly Support Group with other sick kids lead by an peppy, testicular cancer survivor named Patrick in a church basement referred to as The Literal Heart of Jesus. It's all a little too depressing in Hazel's opinion.
She would much rather stay at home watching America's Next Top Model marathons or reading her favorite book, An Imperial Affliction, for the umpteenth time.
But then a chance encounter at the Support Group changes everything.
Because it's there that Hazel meets Augustus Waters. And Augustus Waters is amazing! He's sweet and funny and oh so charming. So, of course, Hazel finds herself falling in love with him. And Augustus is falling for her as well.
But Hazel is living on borrowed time and the last thing she wants to do is break Augustus's heart. In fact, she doesn't want to break anyone's heart. 
Hazel can't change her unfair fate, but maybe she can finally find something worth living for.

Here's What I Think:

Yeah, Hazel is 16 and has cancer and it's all so totally unfair. It's just a fact of her life. She's living to die. But she's not gonna make a big woe-is-me deal about it.
She's gonna go to her Cancer Kids Support Group meetings and roll her eyes along with her fellow cancer-having pal Isaac as they listen to the ridiculousness spewed by their overly optimistic group leader.
She's gonna sit around watching Tyra obliterate the dreams of young model hopefuls.
She's gonna obsess about the ending that wasn't really an ending of her favorite book.
This is how Hazel chooses to spend what little time she might have left.
Until she meets the devastatingly swoony Augustus Waters.
So Hazel puts her sad story on hold for awhile so she can begin her love story.
Like most teenagers, Hazel becomes consumed with her new crush. Augustus Waters is the air Hazel struggles to breath. and while I found this to be incredibly believable, there were times when I felt like Hazel was kinda rude to other people because her mind was so Augustus-centric. But then I remembered that she's only 16 and this is her first real love and she has this terrible disease and who knows how much time she might have left. So, in the grand scheme of things, a little boy obsession isn't that big of a deal.
And if you're gonna obsess over a certain boy, you could do a lot worse than the swoony-pants charm of Augustus Waters.
Augustus is basically a 17 year old George Clooney with a prosthetic leg.
He always feels "grand." He enjoys breaking cancer-caused tension by cracking jokes. And, HELLO!, he totally gave Hazel his one Cancer Kids Wish!
So, ok, it's pretty easy to see why Hazel went so completely gaga. But that doesn't mean she has to be so short with her mom, who may very well be The Best Mom EVER, and Isaac, who, with his wit and wisdom, completely won me over! In fact, special shout-out to Isaac! Cos while I liked Hazel and Augustus just fine, Isaac was by far my fave!
So yes, this is the story of a young girl with cancer. And yes, it's a story about death. But it's also about life. And love. And friendship. And family. Everything that is most important. All of the things that make life so worth living.

Swoony Times:

Augustus Waters is quite the charmer, y'all. He always knows the right things to say and do. It's no wonder Hazel falls for him.
He makes her laugh. He understands what she's going through. He doesn't get all Debbie Downer on her. He gives her his Cancer Kids Wish. He reads her favorite book so they have something to talk about. *book nerd sigh*
And, perhaps my favorite, Augustus always refers to Hazel by her first and middle name, i.e. Hazel Grace. I just thought that was really cute every time he said it! It doesn't take all that much to impress me. ;)

Bonus Shizz:

Book Lovers!
Hazel Grace is as fangirly about An Imperial Affliction as Augustus is fanboyish about The Price of Dawn. I love reading books about people that love reading books!  It gives me an immediate book nerd connection to them! ;)

Cool Parentals!
Both Hazel's and Augustus's parents are super cool. Given their rotten circumstances, (you know, that whole "their children will probably die before they do" thing) they remain positive and good-natured. And somehow they manage to keep their sense of humor too.  

If You Liked That, Try This:

Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan.

The Scale Of Judgment Says:

...... 3.
Not just another weepy Cancer Book. Although -SPOILER ALERT- you probably will weep.