The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 8 Part 2 Reviews

It's time for Part 2 of our Sweet Valley adventure! So lets call shotgun and load up in the 1BRUCE1 and head over for a shopping spree at Lisette's, shall we?

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #60: That Fatal Night by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate Williams, who apparently just added an S to the end of her last name.)
Circa: 1989.

Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Uh oh. These two look serious. And based on the name of the book, I'm gonna assume that some kind of serious shizz goes down. Maybe someone dies!
*The chick on the cover, who i guess is supposed to be Terri, kinda looks like the mean teenage daughter who is NOT Gabby Hoffmann in Uncle Buck. She also appears to have man hands. Or man hand, as the case may be.
*Why do all the guys on the SVH books look so douchey? Ken looks like a douchey robot with great hair.

Lets Review:
Amy Sutton is totally hot for Ken Matthews..... letterman jacket. Yeah Amy is pretty much a slut that only likes Ken because he's the star quarterback for the Sweet Valley Gladiators.
Unlike sweet, shy Terri Adams who likes Ken for his unique Kenness.
But crafty Amy puts her paws all over Ken at the victory party she throws for him after Sweet Valley's big win, giving everyone the impression that they're totes going steady.
Terri is devastated and wants to go home and emo out over Ken's unsingleness. So she asks Winston (who i hate) for a ride. But Winston's car is in the shop so he too must bum a ride. And who is he bumming this ride from? None other then Ken Matthews! I imagine there is much brick shitting from Terri at this moment.
So Ken drops off Winston (who I hate) and his gf Maria, at Winston's house. P.S. it would behoove you to know that it is pouring rain. Terri is presumably still shitting bricks over being alone in close proximity to THE Ken Matthews and is totally bummed that the car ride to her house doesn't last longer.
Ken drops Terri off and heads back out in the storm to the party thrown by Amy The Man-Eater. But oh noes! There's this crazy drunk driver and he's headed right for Ken's car! Ken veers away from the truck to avoid a head-on collision and OH NOES TIMES TWO!, he smashes into a tree!
Ken is rushed to the hospital where he is told that he's blind now. Pour one out for Ken's eyes, y'all.
Amy is a complete hag about Ken's sudden blindness and is only concerned about what this will mean for her social life. But Terri doesn't mind that Ken can no longer see because she liked him for who he was to begin with unlike Amy The A-Hole who has already moved on to the quarterback that replaced Ken on the team. See what I mean? What a hag!
Anyhoosies, Ken spends some time at a rehab facility so that he can learn how to not bump into stuff. After a while he gets to go back to SVH. Ken has a sad cos it's really hard being blind and he's afraid that everyone will treat him differently.
Meanwhile, Terri ties a scarf around her eyes and tries to navigate through her own house so that she can feel what it's like for Ken. And she finds out that it's super hard not being able to see. So she decides to take him to the beach so that he can feel the sun on his skin and the sand on his feet. They have a fun time and Ken starts getting tingly feelings for Terri in his special place. But he thinks there's no way that Terri would ever wanna go out with a blindy.
But Terri does have tingly feelings for Ken. And she thinks there's no way Ken would ever go out with her because it's "her fault" that he's blind in the first place. So they remain Just Friends and Terri starts doing everything for Ken. And Ken has the nerve to act semi-douchey to Terri when she doesn't do what he asks her to do when he asks her to do it.
But after some meddlesome words from Elizabeth (of course), Terri confronts Ken on his douchetastical ways. They yell at each other and Terri admits that she loves Ken and that's why she's been helping him and it hurts her that he's taking advantage of her. Then Terri leaves to go cry alone on a beach somewhere.
Ken feels like a jackhole for depending on Terri so much and for yelling at her. He realizes that he loves her too. So he takes his blind ass to the bus stop and makes his way to their special non-crowded beach to tell her that he's sorry and would like very much to make out with her face.
They have a magical beach apology moment and kiss it up and for one perfect second, Ken catches a glimpse of the sun! His eyesight is coming back! Hooray!
And I suppose those two live happily ever after cos at the end of the book they're running laps together while some lurker named Patty Gilbert looks on jealously because apparently things aren't going so hot with her boyfriend Jim. But that sounds like a problem for another book (like a book titled Boy Trouble for instance.)

Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
The author of this book for this bit o' product placement:

"Todd, isn't that a white Toyota? Like Ken's?" Elizabeth asked.
Todd stopped the car and stared at the wreckage. The front end of the white car was crumpled up like an accordion. The windshield had a gaping hole in it, and there was shattered glass everywhere.
"It's a Toyota all right," Todd said.
Elizabeth strained to see the back of the Toyota as they slowly passed by.

Why do I want a Toyota all of a sudden?

Bonus Shizz!:
Sweet Valley wants to know what our New Year's resolution is gonna be! They wanna know how we plan on starting the 90s! And if you have a nonstupid resolution you could win a copy of your fave Sweet Valley book signed by Francine Pascal! Which I guess means whoever actually wrote your fave book will forge Francine Pascal's signature since she apparently can't be bothered to write anything on her own!

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #62: Who's Who? by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate Williams.)
Circa: 1990.

Dissecting The Cover:
*OMG! Its mistaken identity twin hijinks time!
*Jessica looks like a hot ass mess. She's got horrible hair which she's put one blue streak in. If Jessica was as adventurous as she keeps insisting she is then she would've dyed all of her hair blue not just a little bitch squiggle. Her eyebrows also look like hell. And her eyes kinda look like Sloth's from The Goonies. No offense to Sloth. 
*Jessica is also wearing a truly hideous necklace/earrings set. It's neon fish. Yeah. Neon fish. What the what?!?!
*Elizabeth is wearing an ugly jacket and beret and holding her head while looking over at Jess like "I am so embarrassed to have the same face as you right now." And while Jessica does look all sorts of ridiculous, you're still wearing a shiny grey jacket and a beret, Liz, so I wouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, you're throwing them at the person that drew y'all cos he made you look totally ugg-o.

Lets Review:
Jessica Wakefield schemes again! This time she is soooo done with all the immature SVH boys that she's already tried her vagina out on. She wants someone new and exciting! So Jess is super psyched when she finds the Lovestruck Computer Dating service in the mall! Which specializes in teens! Because nothing lasts forever like teen romances!
So Jessica fills out two applications. One as Daniella Fromage, a foreign film-loving, poetry-reading, French cuisine-eating world traveler that is sophisticated and intellectual and is oddly enough like Jessica's snooty sorority sister, Suzanne Hanlon.
The other application she fills out as Magenta Galaxy, a wild rocker chick that loves fast cars, fashion and dancing the night away at the hottest clubs and sounds suspiciously like the lead singer of SVH's rock band The Droids, Dana Larson.
Soon enough, Jess gets calls from two different boys wanting to take both her new personalities out on a date.
First, "Daniella Fromage" has a date with Pierre Du Lac. So Jess goes to Suzanne to get pointers on how to act all sophisticated and well-traveled and shit. She also borrows some of Suzanne's designer duds.
Jessica goes out with Pierre and is completely won over by how fucking hot he is! Conversing with him is kind of odd though because he doesn't seem to speak a lick of French and he thought that Fellini was a pasta dish. But who gives a fuck! He's so hot, y'all!
Next Jessica gets a call from Brett S. He wants to take "Magenta Galaxy" to a club to listen to super loud rock music. So Jess uses Dana much in the same way she used Suzanne, borrowing accessories from her and getting a crash course in rock n roll. Jess goes out with Brett and omg!, he's super hot too! But he seems kinda weird cos he doesn't know that one band that Jessica asked him about. But, yet again, who cares! He's soooo cute!
Meanwhile, Elizabeth really wants a special dress for the Valentine's dance. She finds the perfect one but is too chicken shit to put it on her parents credit card. So Jessica tells her that it's too perfect for her to not get it so she'll foot half the bill and Liz can just pay her back later. Oh look. It's later. And through a mishap involving a sleepy Lila, Jessica is now double booked for the same day! And she can't do something simple like cancel on the guy that she can actually call. No way! She must now go on both dates. But that sounds so hard. If only there were a girl with the same face that owed her a favor. Oh wait! There is!
So Jessica convinces Liz to dress as Daniella while she's dressed as Magenta. Liz will have dinner with Pierre for 15 minutes then meet Jessica in the bathroom where they'll switch accessories and then switch dates. This should in no way end up a disaster.
Except Liz doesn't like either of the guys. She thinks they're both fakes. And since Liz ALWAYS has to meddle, she totally ruins both dates and subsequently Jessica's life.
When the twins get home from the horrible dates, Jess gives Liz the silent treatment. The next morning she huffs out of the house to go let off some steam playing tennis with Cara Walker. And whatdaya know, she finds a cute tennis player there that she decides to flirt with. As herself, of course.
Back at the Wakefield Casa, Elizabeth tries once more to earn her Meddling Merit Badge. She calls Pierre and Bret and tells them to meet Jess at their house to talk.
Jessica comes back and forgives Liz for being a meddlesome bitch since she's found another hot guy she can lay on for a while. Then she discovers that Liz has been meddling while she's been flirting. Pierre is at the door! He tells Jess that she was right when she (or rather Liz) called him a fake. He was using the dating service to find someone different and exciting just like Jessica was! Then Brett comes over. And he's a big fat phony too! He was also looking for someone new.
Then Suzanne and Dana come over to collect their things that Jessica has filched. Jess goes upstairs to get their shit and when she comes back she finds that Pierre, who was actually more like Jessica's Magenta character, talking with Dana! And Brett, who was actually more like Jessica's Daniella character, is talking with Suzanne!
They all leave together but Jess doesn't care cos she snagged a buff tennis player just by being herself! So Suzanne and Dana can have her castoffs!
Also, Elizabeth found out that she's a wet blanket and completely unadventurous and all of her friends totally already knew this about her. So to prove them wrong she paints her toenails bright red and gets a hideous perm. Yeah Liz, that'll show 'em!

Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
The author for giving us the scoop on what Elizabeth does in her free time:

Elizabeth was practicing her recorder when she heard Jessica bounding up the stairs.

Who over the age of 10 even plays the recorder much less is up in their room practicing on the stupid thing? I mean, how good do you wanna be at playing Hot Cross Buns?
Although truthfully the most ridiculous thing in this entire book was that Jessica named her alter egos Magenta Galaxy and Daniella Fromage. However, I actually scoffed when I read that recorder line so I knew I had to share that one with y'all.

That's all the nostalgia I can fit into this month but be sure to check back in September for an all new Flashback Challenge! Until then, if y'all have any ideas what books would be a snarksters gold mine be sure to dish that shizz in the comments section.

The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 8 Part 1 Reviews

It's that time again. Time to kick it old skool, friends! This month we're going back to Sweet Valley. I've reviewed a little Sweet Valley Twins and Sweet Valley University but I have yet to review any of the truly epic Sweet Valley High. So this month is Sweet Valley High month here at the Nancy Drew Is My Homegirl blog! So jump in your Fiat and lets head over to The Dairi Burger to see what's happening with our favorite twins!

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate William.) 

Circa: 1985.

Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
 
*Ugh. These covers are kinda hard to make fun of because there isn't really anything on them. Just stupid teenagers.
*The stupid teenagers on this cover are Regina Morrow and Bruce Patman. Bruce looks like a huge tool. The look on his face seems to be saying "Damn, I look good. If only Regina were a mirror then I could be embracing my own sexy ass self." And his hair has been totally Vidal Sassooned to within an inch of its life.
*What's up with Bruce's arms? They're like a completely different color than his face. It's like, "Tonight the role of Bruce Patman's arms will be played by Taye Diggs." 
*Regina's clothing choice isn't actually that bad. Especially considering it's the 80s.

Lets Review:

Guess what, y'all. Regina Morrow, who is sooo good at reading lips it's almost like she's not even deaf at all, and Bruce Patman, who could die in a fiery plane crash and no one in Sweet Valley would even weep, are totes in love! Which is so cray cray cos Regina is sooo unbelievably nice and Bruce is such a doucheface. But it's true. They are sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! And everyone in school is totally impressed that Regina was able to "fix" Bruce from his douchetastical ways. Everyone except our girl Jessica Wakefield. Seeing Bruce and Regina all together and happy makes Jess wanna vomit on her chunky black heels. So she hatches a plan to tear the happy couple apart with the added bonus of getting Lila to do her 15 page history paper for her! There's NO WAY this plan can go awry!
How does Jess plan on convincing Regina that Bruce is just no good? Well certainly not by explaining to her how Bruce Patman is. But by doing something completely stupid which would never in a million years break a couple up unless one or both of said couple was a complete idiot. Jessica tells Regina that Bruce is running for some kind of lame-o, made-up presidency and that the only reason he was dating her was so that he could become even more popular and get even more votes and win this lame-o, made-up election. Which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But Regina can't hear, y'all. So I guess it's all in the inflection that makes this idea sound so dumb because Regina totally buys into it and breaks up with Bruce cos he was using her and also because he didn't tell her he was running for president to begin with.
Jessica wins the bet and probably smirks. So Lila is stuck doing Jessica's history paper in addition to her own. But Lila's no dummy, y'all. She does a half-assed job on Jessica's which gets Jess a D, while Lila gets a B. And Jess is so pissed even though when they made this bet at the beginning of the book I was thinking, "someone's bout to get screwed over." Looks like I was right. Hooray for predictable plotlines!
Anyhoosies, back to the love birds. Regina's family found a doctor in Switzerland that can cure deafness. But Regina would have to go to Switzerland NOW and live there for an entire year. At first, Regina flat out refuses because she can't bear to be away from Bruce and his awesome feathered hair. But then they have that lame-o fight about that lame-o, made-up presidency so, having nothing left to live for, Regina heads off to Switzerland. But not before Elizabeth can meddle. Because Bruce wrote a letter explaining that he would never use Regina and he signed up to run for lame-o, made-up president 5 days ago and he's been dating her for weeks and he loves her with every fiber of his being and that's why he had Liz slip the letter in Regina's suitcase instead of just handing it to her because he wants Regina to go to Switzerland and get cured because he loves her so fucking much. And he'd love for her to finally hear how husky his voice is when he whispers sweet nothings in her ear.
Regina finds the letter while she's on the plane and her heart grew three sizes that day. And she can't wait to get back to Sweet Valley with her new ears in one year so that she can be reunited with Bruce Patman: Love Of Her Life. (Yeah, like Bruce and his boner are gonna wait a whole year for you! Keep dreaming, sister!)
Meanwhile and not really pertaining to the Regina/Bruce situation, Elizabeth is busy bossing her friends around as per usual. The school is having a carnival to raise money for handicapped children and of course, Liz is all up in that Kool Aid. So she stresses the fuck out about A CARNIVAL for the entire fucking book! Liz, calm your ass down. You have a game of just throwing a pie at Winston's face. That alone should sell like gang busters! I don't actually know what gang busters are but evidently they sell really well. Anyway, so Liz acts like a complete OCDiva, the carnival is a success and they raise $800 which isn't even that much money considering that every other student that goes to SVH is a millionaire. Way to do it for the kids, Patmans, Morrows, and Fowlers.
At the carnival, the lame-o, made-up president is announced!
And the winner is..... Bruce Patman!
Because Liz felt so bad about being such a bitch about the whole "Bruce might actually love Regina" thing and she found out that he did indeed love her when he asked Liz to deliver the letter, so Liz got all her friends to pity vote for Bruce. Even though their other friend, Ken, actually wanted to be the lame-o, made-up president and had run unopposed for weeks before Brucey Come Lately decided to throw his name in the mix 5 days before the students are to vote, completely ruining EVERYTHING for poor Ken.
Elizabeth is such a bitch! And so is Bruce!

Say Whaaat!?!:

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a three-way tie between Lila, Elizabeth and Bruce.
We'll go with Lila's snarky ass comment about how Regina dresses first:

"Just look at her," Lila seethed, pushing food away in disgust. "She looks ridiculous in that purple dress. You'd think she was color blind, not deaf, the way she dresses."

Would we expect anything less from Lila? I think not.
Here's a little inappropriateness, courtesy of Liz describing her fave teacher, local dreamboat, Mr. Collins:

Everyone thought Mr. Collins looked like Robert Redford- strawberry blond hair, blue eyes. And he was still young enough to engage the interest of many of his students.

Oh I just bet he does. Is there an SVH book in which Liz and Mr. Collins totally fuck? No. Lets face it, if one of the twins ended up having relations with a teacher, it'd totally be Jessica. Slut!
And I saved the best for last! Please enjoy Bruce describing the dumbest reason to run for president:

"The reason I didn't mention that I was running was that I was going to surprise her if I won. It was just something I wanted to do at the last minute. Because I was so happy to live in Sweet Valley after I met Regina," he added softly. "I wanted to give something back to the town."

That is the biggest pile of horse shit I've run into in a long time. I feel like I should send Bruce Patman a fruit basket of some sort for that one. Maybe those where they make the fruit look like flowers!

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #57: Teacher Crush by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate William.)
Circa: 1989.

Dissecting The Cover:

*Olivia has Gene Simmons hair!
*She's also rocking some fairly hideous earrings. They look like capital G's. *gasp* For Gene, perhaps? ;)
*The tagline reads:

Has Olivia met the man of her dreams?

No. She's just stupid. And crazy.



Lets Review:

Olivia really wants a boyfriend. Oh what luck! Sweet Valley High has decided to do a two week long workshop and one of the courses is taught by a hottie mctottie artist named Stuart Bachman. And Olivia is instantly in loooooove! After only one day. Stuart is all Olivia thinks about, talks about, dreams about. Yeah. Olivia is now That Girl. You know the one. That Girl that talks about That Guy so obsessively that it makes you wanna rip off your ears and shove 'em down her throat so she can't talk and you can't hear anymore.
Anyhoo, so Olivia is complete crazycakes. She looks up Stuart's address and drives by his house. She calls his  phone whilst they're both at school just to hear his voice on his answering machine. And she thinks that after knowing her for like, a week and some change, that he totally found out when her birthday was and is gonna get her an expensive picture frame as a gift.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Enid obsess over Olivia's obsessively obsessing over Stuart.
Anyhoodles, Olivia eventually finds out that she ain't all that, Stuart only loved her painting not her and he had a girlfriend this whole time whose birthday is the same day as Olivia's and he gave her the expensive picture frame and I feel really jipped cos I was expecting some sexytimes inappropriateness and all I got was a butt ugly jumpsuit, a complete nitwit, and an idiotic subplot of how Jessica "built" a lie detector to humiliate Lila in front of all their friends (don't even ask.)
Eventually though, Olivia realizes that some dude her own age named Rod or Rob or something Rod or Robish has had a crush on her for forevs (or at least since the middle of this book) and so she figures he'll do cos she just REALLY wants a boyfriend, y'all.

Say Whaaat!?!:

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
I've got two for you this time.
The first is Enid's response to Elizabeth after she basically calls Enid a liar:

"Olivia more or less admitted to me that she has a crush on Stuart. You should have seen how flustered and upset she was!" Elizabeth sighed. "And I've been insisting that you were making it all up!"
"Well, that's because you're the world's greatest friend, Elizabeth."

Iwas really hoping that that was Enid being snide and smart ass-y but sadly enough, I think she's actually being genuine. Ick.
The second comes from Liz. This is her reaction to Enid telling her that she thinks Stuart might be leading Olivia on:

Elizabeth's eyes widened. "No way," she protested. "Stuart is nice to Olivia the same way he's nice to everyone. Olivia has a gigantic crush on him, that's for sure. But I don't think for one single second that he feels anything back for her."

Not for one single second? Gee, tell us how you really feel, Elizabeth. You're such a fucking bitch!

Bonus Shizz!:

Sweet Valley High is now a board game! Woo-hoo! You can race through the halls of SVH, meet the most popular guys and go on 4 super dream dates! *squeals with delight*
Now lets rock, paper, scissors this bitch to find out who gets to be Jessica! 

The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 4 Part 2 Reviews

Last we left our Wakefields, they were mere tots. Oh what a difference a few months makes. The dream of becoming a Unicorn has now been replaced by the need to be a Theta. That's right, friends. This month i'll be reviewing some of the Sweet Valley University series. But not just any Sweet Valley University. i'm going for the Thriller Editions! So let the "thrills" begin! 

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley University: The Roommate by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Laurie John.)

Circa: 1996.

Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!

*Creepy lady half-face. Ahhh! Run!
*Classifieds newspaper clipping. So this should end well. I think I'd rather read about the person in the ad below Isabella's:
SVU CAMPUS male to share with male. Sounds like the beginning of an amazing porno!
*There's a chick with a crap haircut looking superimposed on a balcony. And she's scared, y'all! 
*This is an SVU Thriller Edition! So it's more thrilling than a regular SVU book. Which I imagine wouldn't be that hard to pull off. 
*Sweet Valley High- now a hit TV series! A hit? Really? I find that hard to believe. Although, TRUTH SERUM TIME, I totally used to watch this show. *hangs head in shame*

Lets Review:

Isabella Ricci (no relation to Christina) is beautiful and stylish and popular and a Theta and has the perfect boyfriend. But she totally wrecks her Range Rover! How will she EVER get it fixed? She feels bad about asking her parents to pay for it and it's not like she could get a job or something. Jobs are for poor people! So Isabella has the grand idea of getting a roommate. This will solve all of her problems.
After interviewing a bunch of losers, Isabella finally finds the perfect roommate! Lisa is quiet and shy, she has stringy hair and hideous clothes. But y'all, she is soooo sweet! Until she turns all batshit crazy. She starts dressing and acting and walking and talking just like Isabella. She even gets the same haircut and starts lusting after Isabella's boyfriend, Danny. Plus she's becoming besties with Jessica, Isabella's BFF. So, you know, chick goes all Single White Female. Isabella starts to realize homegirl is out of her gourd and wants to distance herself from Lisa. But Lisa is crazy, y'all. And she "won't be ignored, Dan."
So Lisa tells lies and turns all of Isabella's peeps against her. She molests Danny in the middle of the night. Then she kills Isabella's cat. Yes. SHE KILLS HER CAT! THROWS IT OFF THE BALCONY! Just throws it right off!
But Isabella learns that Lisa has psychological problems because she "accidentally" killed her twin sister when she was younger and all this time that Isabella thought Lisa transferred from a school in New York she was really in a mental institution. Lisa figures out that Isabella now knows her secret and she is pissed. So she ties her up and makes her write a suicide note but Isabella escapes and ends up in the basement but Lisa finds her and takes her up to the tenth floor. The police are closing in on her crazy ass. But suddenly Lisa gets all head-trippy and thinks her dead sister is calling to her from the elevator shaft. She goes to reunite with Dead Sister and falls down the shaft. And dies. Now Isabella's life can go back to being perfect!
And we feel a little bit bad for Lisa cos all she really wanted was her sister's love. And then we remember: SHE KiLLED A CAT! And we're kinda glad she fell down that elevator shaft.

Say Whaaat!?!:

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Jessica, for having these thoughts after she plans to get Isabella kicked out of Theta house for "stealing" her boyfriend:

Getting Isabella kicked out of the sorority was serious business. It could ruin her college career, Jessica thought guilty. It could ruin her life.

Isn't that a little dramatic? At what point would getting kicked out of a sorority "ruin your life."
"I'm sorry, Ms. Ricci. We would hire you for the position but I see here that you were kicked out of your sorority. I'm afraid we have no place for you now at the Law Offices of Dingledouche, Turdburglerton, and Wakefield."

Bonus Shizz!:

There's an ad in the back of the book for the Sweet Valley High Fan Club! OMG!!! As a member, you'll receive:
a membership card with your own personal fan club ID number! a Sweet Valley High treasure box! Sweet Valley High stationery! official fan club pencil! 3 bookmarks! a "members only" door hanger! 2 skeins of embroidery thread with flower barrette instruction leaflet! 2 editions of The Oracle newsletter! plus exclusive shizz like savings and contests! All for only $6.25!
The membership card will look so awesome next to my BSC one!

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley University: Killer At Sea by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Laurie John.)
Circa: 1997.

Dissecting The Cover:

*Jessica and her boyfriend Nick are all cuddled up on a boat. Nick is wearing really pink swim trunks. It's actually kinda disturbing how really pink they are. But, it was the 90s, I guess that's as good an excuse as any to be seen in really pink swim trunks.
*Hey look! That cloud is shaped like a creepy murderer!
*Yet another Thriller Edition. You feeling the thrill yet?
*Ooh y'all, we could win a beach vacation! I'd like to know how many people entered this contest after reading this book. It's not a great endorsement for beachy fun. (see reason for my wondering in Lets Review.)

Lets Review:

This week Jessica is dating Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World. But who gives a shit if he's no good at detecting!? Because he is so hot, y'all! He's got emerald green eyes, a hot body and a penis. And a boat! He's gonna take Jess on a mini vacay so he can relax after completely botching a kidnapping negotiation because he is The Worst Detective In The World. It'll be just the two of them and the great, vast ocean.
But, oh no, there's some dude named Eric and he needs their help. His boat is on fire and his girlfriend is dead. So Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World leaves his girlfriend on a boat that she can't pilot, out in the middle of nowhere with a large stranger that gives her the uh oh feeling so that he can go play hero and try to rescue a woman that is reportedly dead. Because he is The Worst Detective In The World.
So, surprise surprise, Eric turns out to be a homicidal maniac. And after about 2 seconds of hanging out with Jessica Wakefield he realizes that he's in love with her and he won't let anyone stand in his way of being with her. Especially not Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World.
Meanwhile, on the S.S. Distraction, Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World FiNALLY figures out that Eric is cra-za-zee. He finds Eric's dead girlfriend and, yep, she's actually dead which means he rowed his dumb ass all the way out here, leaving his own girlfriend in the clutches of a loon, for absolutely NOTHiNG. Then he finds a videotape and discovers that Dead Girlfriend is actually the woman from the botched kidnapping! Which makes Eric the kidnapper! Holy Shizz! We knew that like 100 pages ago because, unlike Nick Fox, we are not The Worst Detective In The World!
Back on The Unrequited Love Boat, Jess tries to go along with Crazy Eric's craziness so as not to rock the boat, as it were. But, as I may have mentioned, Eric is crazy and thus he goes crazy. Jessica manages to throw him overboard and thinks that she's finally safe. Wrong! Eric gets caught on the ladder and pulls himself up onto the boat and hides in the bathroom.
Meanwhile, back on dry land, Elizabeth is concerned for Jessica's safety after receiving a terrifying call that ended with a splash. She meets Matt, an extremely sexy boat-haver and convinces him to take her to the middle of the ocean to find her sister. But instead of finding The Unrequited Love Boat, they find the S.S. Distraction first. They save Nick's stupid ass from nearly drowning.
They finally find The Unrequited Love Boat and "save" Jessica, not knowing that Eric is nestled sweetly between the toilet and the sink below deck.
Sexy Sailor Matt tows the boat, Eric sneaks up on Elizabeth thinking that she's Jessica and starts strangling her. The real Jessica sees this and tells Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World to go Do Something. So Nick tries to kick Eric's ass but it turns out that Nick is not only The Worst Detective In The World but he's also The Sissiest Fighter There Ever Was. While Nick's getting his balls handed to him, Jess is trying to revive Liz. She finally succeeds and they come up with a plan to save Useless Detective Nick. Jessica, I shit you not, PRETENDS TO BE A GHOST and scares this roughian while Liz sneaks up on him and hits him over the head with a deck chair, knocking him out. Elizabeth ties him up while Jessica tends to the wounds of Nick Fox: World's Biggest Pussy.
The police are waiting at the marina, ready to haul Eric off to prison. Nick is congratulated on a job well done even though Jessica is the one that distracted Eric and Liz is the one that whacked him over the head with a chair and tied him up and the only thing Nick did was nearly bleed to death. Because he is The Worst Detective In The World!

Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Jessica, for her description of Eric after learning his boat was on fire and his girlfriend was dead:

Poor Eric, Jessica thought, her spirits leaden as she searched through the storage compartment for a thermal blanket to warm him. He's so young and good-looking, with so much to live for. I don't know how anyone could survive a tragedy like that.

Luckily he's so young and good-looking so it shouldn't be that hard for him to find someone new to bone. Thank goodness he'll be ok. 

Bonus Shizz!:
There's a part of the form to Win A Beach Vacation that I find equal parts hilarious and absurd. I'll get to that in a minute.
First, I'd like to say that I'm totally peeved that I missed the cutoff date, which was September 26th, 1997. 
Second, check out the price differential between Grand and First:
Grand Prize= trip for two to Miami estimated at $2000.
First Prize= Sweet Valley books estimated at $3.99.
Way to dig deep, Bantam Doubleday Dell.
And finally, this is the hilarious/absurd part which I will write as it is written:
The winner, if Canadian, will be required to answer correctly a time-limited arithmetic skill question in order to receive the prize.
WHAT?!?! What in the fuck does that even mean? If you're Canadian you have to solve a math problem before you can go to Miami? Is like, if one Canadian takes a plane to Miami going 550 mph and another Canadian is on a flight going 60o mph with 2 layovers, which Canadian will arrive in Miami first?
I don't have the answer. I'm glad I'm not Canadian though because I suck at math and thus I'd never get to Miami.

Anyhoo, that concludes April's Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge reviews. Be sure to check in next month for even more old-timey book goodness. ;) 

The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 2 Part 2 Reviews

I've decided to take a little vacay from my Stoneybrook pals for the second half of this months Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge. But wherever shall I go? Hmm, I hear Sweet Valley is lovely this time of year! ;)

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley Twins #1: Best Friends by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Jamie Suzanne.)

Circa: 1986.

Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!

*The twins look disgustingly cutesy with their matching outfits. For realsies? What girl still wants to dress like her identical twin at 13? Truthfully, I hate that at any age. The only thing I would hate more than twins dressed exactly alike would be if said twins also had names that either rhymed, i.e. Mandy and Sandy, or began with the same letter, i.e. Kathy and Karen. Ick!  

Lets Review:

Have you guys meet Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield? Well they are the blond-haired, blue-green eyed, all-American, picture perfect twinsicles of Sweet Valley! And they do EVERYTHiNG together! 
Well except now Elizabeth wants to start a newspaper for the sixth grade which sounds like Squaresville to Jessica. And Jessica wants to become a member of the prestigious Unicorn Club which Elizabeth thinks is a little snooty. But Elizabeth is afraid if they have different interests then they won't be able to spend every waking minute together the way twins are supposed to. Jessica, however, seems perfectly fine without having Liz as her same-faced shadow. 
In fact the only thing Jess could give a flying Fig Newton about is getting into the sixth grade sorority, The Unicorn Club. In order to do that she must complete three tasks. If she doesn't, well, then I guess she'll have to find a more excepting group of little bitches with whom she can discuss boys and clothes and other super important biz. 
Elizabeth feels left out of Jessica's life now that she has the Unicorns to hang out with. So much so that she kinda gives off a Single White Female vibe. Calm down, lady. Even if Jess has new friends, you're still her sister. You live in the same house for God's sake! You're bound to run into her at some point! 
Anyhoodle, in the end the girls learn that it's ok to be different. And we learn nothing because we knew this already!

Subplot: Also in this book the girls have ballet in gym class (What? Who the fuck has ballet in gym class?) and discover that they love love LOVE it! So their mom decides that they can take ballet classes at the only ballet company in town, the aptly named Dance Studio. 
Jessica thinks she's the awesomest of the awesome but Madame Andre hates her for her tardiness and gaudy purple leotards. So Madame goes on complimenting every other girl even though Jess is really trying to redeem herself and blah blah blah. This will all come to a head in the next book when one of the girls will be picked for the lead in the recital. *gasp* Who will it be?

Say Whaaat!?!?

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Janet, after conferring with members of the Unicorns when Jessica says she may have to drop out of the club.

"Look, Jessica, we don't want you to drop out. I mean, how would it look? It's OK for us to kick people out, but it's different for somebody to quit."

What a bitch!

Friendly Advice: 

Here's a piece of Friendly Advice to help you navigate the halls of Sweet Valley Middle School: 
You can be a bitch like Lila or a dick like Bruce or a flake like Jessica or a goody-goody like Elizabeth but the one thing YOU CANNOT BE in Sweet Valley is a fatty. 
Just ask poor fat Lois Waller.

"Did you see Lois Waller in gym class today?" Jessica asked. "She was practically oozing out of her leotard. Fat everywhere. They shouldn't let a tub like her take ballet."

But wait! There's more! 
Here's Jessica's inner monologue after hearing that Lois has been out of school for four days since Jess totally humiliated her at the Dairi Burger:

She was feeling a little nervous about Lois. Suppose shaving cream was poison after all? Oh, don't be silly, she told herself. Lois's parents probably just got tired of looking at her and sent her off to a fat farm. That was much more likely. 

Good God, how fat is Lois? Lila, care to comment?

"You could do a diet column and call it 'Advice from Miss Piggy'!"

Oh you Sweet Valley WASP's with your tiny waists and convoluted thinkin'. Fuck you.

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley Twins #2: Teacher's Pet by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Jamie Suzanne.)
Circa: 1986.

Dissecting The Cover:

*It looks like a case of Black Swan up in this piece!
*The twin I'm taking to be Jessica has her arms crossed over her chest, giving her sister the stink eye. She looks like she might be thinking about pulling a Tonya Harding on Elizabeth's ass. Does anybody know Jeff Gillooly's number?
*The twin which I'm guessing is Elizabeth has her hands poised above her head in some ballet position that I don't know because I was too poor to take ballet and they didn't offer it as an option in gym class at my school. (Did they anywhere? I mean, was ballet taught in gym class ever really a thing?) The look on her face, very subtly says "Yeah bitch, I'm gonna ballet right over your ass! Which looks fat in that leotard, btw." 
*Camel toe a go-go!

Lets Review:

It's Fight Night at the Wakefield household! Both Jessica and Elizabeth want the coveted solo in the ballet recital. So now it's on like Donkey Kong! 
Jessica thinks that she's the mother effing shizz. She can literally dance circles around the rest of these amateurs. But guess who gets to be Swanilda the lead part in the ballet? That's right. Elizabeth. 
And Jessica is so super pissed because DUH!, she is such a superior dancer. The only way Liz could have gotten the part is because she is a big fat teacher's pet. A fact which Jess will remind her of about 16 bajillion times during the course of the 103 piddly pages of this book. Which is equal only in the amount of tears shed by Elizabeth. 
Not much else happens. Jessica pouts. Elizabeth is all butt hurt that Jess is being such a bitchninny. Amy Sutton can't dance for shit. Madame Andre only has eyes for Elizabeth. (Creep. Ey.) There's not even an awesome dance-off. They don't "take it to the street" and battle to see once and for all who the best dancer really is. No one "steps it up." No one "gets served." Very disappointing. 
In the end Elizabeth feels bad because she realizes that Jessica really is better and so she fakes a sprained ankle so that Jessica can dance in her place. So moral of the story: If you bitch, pout and complain enough eventually people will get tired of listening to your ass and will finally just give you your way.

Say Whaaat!?!?

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Mrs. Wakefield for her insight on Elizabeth getting the solo:

"Elizabeth, that's wonderful," Jessica heard her mother exclaim. "It's a shame that both you and Jessica couldn't dance the solo, but I'm sure your sister's happy for you, too."

First, Mrs. Wakefield, clearly you don't know your daughter very well. She will, in fact, NOT be happy for her sister. 
Second, I'm not so sure you understand what the word "solo" means.

That's all the nostalgia for this month. Did you guys enjoy our detour into Sweet Valley? I'm still trying to decide what next months book flashback will be. I haven't read R.L. Stine in For.Ever. So, how do y'all feel about Goosebumps!? :)