Evil Eva Reviews... The Magicians

EvilEva reviews ...... The Magicians by Lev Grossman.

Dissecting The Cover:

I don't really understand this cover. I guess it's supposed to represent the tree that Quentin magicked into being at the end of the book? No spoiler alert needed there as said scene with said tree is of no real importance to the story. Which makes it a fairly odd choice to use such a throw-away scene as "cover material."

A more accurate cover would feature a gaggle of melancholy teens, smoking and drinking and looking completely bored with their trivial, pedestrian lives.

This cover, however, with its copse of tranquil trees and its serene little stream looks better suited for a brochure for a mental health facility.

You know, on second thought, maybe this is the perfect cover choice after all!

Let's Review:

Quentin Coldwater is perfectly bored with his perfectly planned life. Everything is laid out before him, opportunities well within his grasp.
Yet while trudging through the drudgery of everyday life, Quentin longs for something more. Silly as it seems, he can't help but dream of the fantastical, fictional world of Fillory, a magical land from the pages of his favorite childhood stories.
The books brimmed with strange creatures, daring escapes, perilous journeys.
Quentin's life of college interviews, clueless parents and unrequited love seems spectacularly lackluster by comparison.
So when a way out suddenly presents itself, Quentin jumps at the chance to finally embark on an adventure of his own.
It begins when a simple piece of paper leads him to the discovery of a lifetime. Magic is real!
It exists within the walls of an exclusive college, hidden away in upstate New York where only a chosen few possess the ability to find it.
Quentin is one of those few.
At Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, Quentin will be taught the principles of magic and learn what it takes to become a true magician.
It's exactly the kind of excitement he's been searching for!
Little does Quentin know, it could also lead him to the very thing he's been so desperate to find--- a way in to Fillory.
With the help of his friends and his newly acquired skills, Quentin sets off on the ultimate quest: the pursuit of all that he desired from his past and everything he could ever imagine for his future.

Here's What I Think:

I really have to hand it to myself, I made this book sound totally readable in the Let's Review section. However, the truth of the matter is, I hated this book. And I don't mean in an "aw I really wanted to like it but I didn't. what a bummer" kind of way. I'm talking about a "rip the spine right down the middle, hurl the thing across the room, salt and burn the earth where it lands" level of hatred. Which is kind of crazy because it had so much potential.
It's been touted by other reviewers as an adult version of Harry Potter.
It received raves from George R. R. Martin and John Green (authors I actually like.) 
And after reading a sample of the first chapter I myself was intrigued enough to give it a try. A decision I quickly regretted.
So where did it all go wrong?
Well, there was the plot, the pacing, the characters, the dialogue, the lack of actual magic. I could go on. And I will!
Behold my list of grievances!

Grievance #1.
I'll start with the fact that I don't know what to call this thing. I mean, I do----
piece of shit
waste of time
boredom personified.
But as far as genre goes, I don't really know where to put it.
I mean, this book is seriously all over the place, leading me to believe that Mr. Grossman suffers from what I have coined Distracted Dug Syndrome.
Distracted Dug Syndrome, or DDS as it is more commonly known, is a condition in which a person (such as the aforementioned author) is focused on their work, chugging along, getting shit done when all of a sudden SQUIRREL!

They become distracted, lose their train of thought and then hitch that train to a wholly different caboose only to have it chug off in a completely different direction than the one it was originally pointed in.
It is my professional opinion that this was the case with The Magicians.
For instance, chapter 1 finds Quentin discovering a dead body.
We don't know who this corpse is or how he died or what this means for Quentin. Ah, so obviously a mystery is afoot, right?
Wrong! This poor unfortunate soul gets maybe four pages in which we learn nothing about him, nothing is resolved as far as he (whoever he might be) is concerned and I guess it's a good thing Quentin wasn't particularly traumatized by this event because we never hear about it again. And all of a sudden the story devolves into something completely different.
As I said--- SQUIRREL!
Now Quentin is attending a secret, exclusive Hogwarts-esque magic school. Well, this book is called The Magicians so I guess that makes more sense than a possible murder mystery. Alright. I'll roll with it.
I will admit that Mr. Grossman spent a little more time ripping off Harry Potter than he did with that half-assed whodunit. However, it's not long before--- SQUIRREL!
And suddenly we're dumped in some sort of low budget Narnia. So..... wait..... now it's a fantasy novel? I am so confused. But, like I said, I can roll with this. I like lions. I like witches. I like wardrobes. Let's end this thing on a high note! Let's vanquish evil and save Fillory! Who's with me!
-SQUIRREL!-
Goddammit!!!! Now it's a coming-of-age story!?!? Now we're "learning lessons?" "Growing up?" "Gaining insight?"
What the fuck am I reading!?!?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for genres colliding. I like a good supernatural mystery. A historical romance. A supernatural romance. A historical mystery. A comedic drama. A dramatic comedy. Hell, I'll take a historical, romantic, mysterious, supernatural, comedic, dramatic, sci-fi, fantasy, horror, coming-of-age story. As long as it's done well.  As long as the transitions between genres are seamless and everything comes together and makes sense in the end.
Unfortunately that didn't happen here. And I think the whole genre confusion is ultimately what lead to such a disjointed plot. Also known as...

Grievances #2.
The best way I can think of to describe the plot would be if the author grabbed several books from his shelf at random, stuffed them in a blender, hit puree, dumped the whole big mess on to paper and named it The Magicians.
Like I said, the story is just all over the place.
It begins in Brooklyn where Quentin fantasizes about being anywhere else. Then there's a death, an odd paramedic, and a folder with Quentin's name on it which leads him to this mysterious estate in upstate New York which turns out to be a magic school called Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy. So Quentin takes a test, passes, and is allowed to attend this magic school. Which he does until he's whisked away to Brakebills South in Antarctica, then it's back to the regular Brakebills where Quentin promptly graduates somehow even though we never really read about him actually going to classes or doing homework or taking tests. It should be noted here that all of this has been crammed into part 1 of this book. There are still three parts left in which Quentin flees to Manhattan where he discovers that Fillory, a magical Narnia-esque place he thought only existed in the pages of his favorite childhood book series, actually exists in real life and he can actually go there. But first he has to travel through the Neitherlands which is like a giant portal-possessing waiting room and THEN he finally gets to Fillory only to find it's not what he thought it would be so he goes back to NYC where he works for some account team.
I know. What!? The actual!? FUCK!?!?
And that's not all. Not only does the story bounce around from place to place, but storylines are constantly introduced only to invariably be dropped and replaced by a whole new storyline that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the first one only to then have the original storyline reappear some 200 pages later with a "resolution" that seems thrown in as an afterthought.
Like, Oh, by the way, this is what happened to Alice's brother, and this is why Professor Mayakovsky was banished to Antarctica and oh yeah, remember that Beast fella from chapter 8 well it's actually [redacted]
But none of these come as big reveals or jaw-dropping revelations. Instead they land with a hollow THUNK! because any kind of interest you might have invested in the answer died a slow painful death long ago.
There are just too many ideas and not enough follow through which makes the plot a confusing mess which ultimately aids in the fuck-upping of other aspects of the story, like the pacing. Or as it shall henceforth be known...

Grievance #3.
The pacing is unbelievably haphazard, making the timeline practically impossible to follow. One day can drag on for a whole chapter while an entire year is gone within the span of a couple of sentences. And these time jumps aren't used to propel the story forward. They just seem thrown in (like everything else in this book) for no reason.
It doesn't keep the reader on their toes, it confuses them to the point that they're forced to flip back however many pages it takes to figure out what fucking day it is and how much fucking time has passed. It's especially frustrating when the parts of the story that could have potential, like the magic classes and the ins and outs of Fillory, are rushed through and summarized quickly. While the parts that are boring and offer no real relevance to the story, like the inane game of Welters that wants so badly to be Quidditch and what it's like being a fucking goose, have paragraphs upon paragraphs of mind-numbing prattle devoted to them.
At times it can make getting through the book really hard. It's like wading through raw sewage with waders on. Or slogging through a shitstorm with a faulty umbrella. 
Although no matter how bothersome and tedious the pacing might seem it is nothing compared to big fat....

Grievances #4.
Which is the characters. It is a rare book indeed when you can find absolutely NO character that you like/relate to/root for. But, lo and behold The Magicians is that rare book.
The "hero" of our story is Quentin Coldwater. And the best word I can think of to use to describe him is insufferable. Completely and utterly insufferable. He does nothing but whine and complain and blame everything and everyone for his "problems" when really the only "problem" he seems to suffer from is being a pathetic little bitch. He literally gets everything he wants and he's still not happy. I mean, he basically gets accepted to Hogwarts, finds a girlfriend that loves him despite his awful personality, journeys to Narnia, defeats an evil monster, gets handed a crown, a kingdom, and a high paying job at which he doesn't even have to do any actual work and all he can muster is boredom, self-pity, and mild depression.
Basically you spend the whole book wanting to punch him in the throat and coming up with colorful little nicknames for him like Harry Twatter.
And I know what you're thinking, what about the other characters? Surely there's at least one that you're happy to see appear on the page. No. There's not. The rest of the characters are just as terrible.  Probably because they're all more or less the same person. Every character in this book (their names really don't even matter) is pretty much interchangeable. No one has an individual voice or any kind of distinguishing qualities to differentiate them from the next loser. It's just hipster douches as far as the eye can see.
And they're all so "brilliant" and so "gifted" and so disgustingly underwhelmed that they've been hand-picked to attend this secret university that teaches MAGIC!
Ugh! They all act so blasé and above it all. Like it's no big deal that they basically MADE IT TO HOGWARTS! And who even cares that they get to use REAL MOTHERFUCKING MAGIC!
It made me want to go full Voldemort on these ungrateful brats! I was seriously more invested in thinking about what I could use as my own Horcruxes so that this plan may come to fruition than I was with reaching the end of this book and finding out what happens to these boring entitled shitheads.
Now, you  might be thinking, well certainly with Quentin and Co. starting out as the human equivalent of hot garbage those 402 pages should afford them plenty of opportunities to reform, evolve and become decent non-garbage people, right? No, you stupid optimist.
These characters end exactly as they began. Immature, stunted, self-centered and miserable. Or as I said before, completely and utterly insufferable. Seriously. They should just rename this book Hipsters Hate Adventures. Or The Chronicles of Nothing: The Lion, The Witch and The Whatever. Or Harry Potter and the Too-Cool-For-Magic-School Classmates. Any one of these titles would be acceptable as they all succinctly describe the character's perpetual flippancy. They also happen to accurately describe the story between the pages of this book far better than the actual title does. Because after reading it, you know the characters are douchebags, you're not so sure however if they are actually magicians. Which leads me to the final and possibly gravest of grievances.

Grievances #5.
Where exactly is the magic!?!?!?
I mean, the book is called The MAGICIANS, there is a MAGIC school where they teach MAGIC to students who want to become MAGICIANS but there are no spells cast, no potions made, no charms used, no curses uttered. And no explanation is ever given for how any of this works. Apparently we don't need to know the mechanics involved with levitating a marble or bending light or flying to the fucking moon! All we need to know is that it can be done and we call this magic. Which is basically what one of the professors at this "prestigious college" says to his impressionable students:

"In any case, we do not and cannot understand what magic is, or where it comes from any more than a carpenter understands why a tree grows. he doesn't have to know. He works with what he has."

If that's the case, then why exactly do they need to attend these classes? Why does a magic school even need to exist?
It's like an English Lit professor saying you don't have to know how to read in order to understand literature.
It's an easy out. And in taking it, Grossman completely misses out on any opportunity to fully engage his reader by providing details that could set his story apart from others like it.
I mean, this is fantasy. You have the keys to the kingdom. You can create worlds and languages and creatures. You can make the impossible possible, the unbelievable believable, transform the ordinary into the extraordinary.
So just saying magic is magic because it's magic seems like a cop out, not to mention a total insult to the reader.
Although, I'm really not at all surprised to feel underwhelmed by this book yet again. It was pretty much my permanent state while reading it. I mean, I've already dealt with sloppy writing, dropped storylines and forgotten characters so the fact that this magic school ended up being less than magical seems like par for the motherfucking course.
In fact, I'm fairly certain the only real magic involved here is how my interest in this stupid story -POOF!- disappeared. I guess this was a rather long way of telling you what I actually already told you at the very beginning of this review/rant, which is I HATED this book.
For me, The Magicians was like a Dementor from that other far superior fantasy series, it just sucks your soul right out of you. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find a piece of chocolate, lie down and try my best to recover.

Swoony Times:

This is not a swoony book. There are no sexy times. I mean, there is sex but it is definitely NOT sexy. Unless people transforming into foxes and fucking is your thing. If so, there is that in this book. Also, on a sidenote, you might want to consider some kind of psychiatric help as an affinity for fox-fucking is a pretty weird affinity to have.
Anyhoo, I'm fairly certain the reason for such an abysmal showing of the swoons is entirely thanks to Quentin and his nonexistent personality. Being that he is such a whiny, angsty, entitled turd of a person, it's really no surprise that he has pretty much zero chemistry with anyone he comes into contact with. But I suppose one could say he has the most least chemistry with Alice. Or the least most chemistry? I don't know. However you want to phrase it, Quentin and Alice are the "romantic leads" of the story. I have used quotation marks here as Quentin and Alice's "romance" is in no way "romantic."
Their relationship feels completely forced. Like they've stuck together strictly because Quentin happens to be the main character and the main character obviously needs to have a love interest and because Alice.....
Well, I don't exactly know why Alice feels the need to be saddled with Quentin. She could do so much better than this wretched little weenie. Well maybe not so much better because honestly there is nary a swoonworthy boy to be found in this book.
But literally anyone would be an improvement over Quentin. Seriously. It is so hard for me to believe that anyone would be interested in Quentin AT ALL much less in a "let's take off all our clothes and hug with our genitals" type of way.
In fact, it is at this point in the story where I had to suspend my disbelief the most.
There's a wizarding school in New York, you say? Sounds legit.
A magical land from a fictional book actually exists? Perfectly feasible.
Teenagers turn into geese and fly to Antarctica? Highly logical, Mr. Spock.
But are you really trying to tell me that there is someone out there that finds Quentin to be suitable boyfriend material!?!?!
Surely you jest, sir.

Bonus Shizz:

Magic School!
As someone who has read the Harry Potter books and watched the Harry Potter movies and obsessed over the Harry Potter universe (and as someone who is both living and breathing) obviously my ultimate goal in life is to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
I'm actually still anxiously awaiting my letter of acceptance. It should be here any day now.
But in the meantime I thought I would check out Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, and let me just say, it's less expecto patronum, more expecto disappointment.
See, Hogwarts is like an illustrious ivy league while Brakebills is your safety school. You're almost guaranteed an easy in but you don't really want to go there.
So even though there are few things that tickle my fancy quite like a magic school, this one just wasn't for me.
*sighs* Maybe I'll take a year off instead. To find myself....
or Narnia!

Book Lovers!
I love when characters in books LOVE books. It's like meeting a kindred spirit. And despite his many flaws that irritated the ever-loving fuck out of me, Quentin's unwavering obsession with his favorite book series was something I could actually relate to.
Getting lost in another world, finding hope and redemption in a character, believing wholeheartedly in something that can't be done, envisioning yourself somewhere far better than where you  are. The knowledge that you can relive it all in one afternoon, snuggled in your coziest nook by simply turning a page is, in itself, true magic. Because as every book lover knows, a good story never lets you go.

Mix Tape:

If this book had a soundtrack.....













If You Liked That, Try This:

*The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.
*The Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis.

The Scale of Judgment Says:

Zero points for Mr. Grossman!

The truth is, I hated this book so much that I'm going to award it The Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather Seal Of Disapproval. Also known as.....

Which I will be presenting to any book that scores a 1 Nancy rating on The Scale of Judgment from this review on!

Evil Eva Reviews... Matched

EvilEva reviews ...... Matched by Ally Condie.

Dissecting The Cover:

Hey, it's Glinda the Good Witch of Match.com! JK!
I actually don't mind this cover. Even if it does commit a YA book cover double-whammy: Semi-faceless girl? Check. Fancy pretty dress? Double check. 
Howevs, at least the girl does look like Cassia. I mean, from what I can tell. Since, you know, she's semi-faceless and all. I mean, at least they got her hair color right. And the green dress looks very much the way Cassia's Match Banquet gown is described. 
Although, I don't recall there being a moment in which Cassia is stuck in a bubble. Unless you count the "bubble" that is the Society in which she lives. Boom! Your mind just got blown!

Let's Review:

In the Society, everything is predetermined. Nothing is left up to fate.
Where you'll work. Who you'll marry. Even when you'll die. It's all decided for you.
Cassia Reyes is on her way to becoming exactly who the Society wants her to be.
On her 17th birthday she finally finds out who they've chosen as her Match. Cassia is surprised (and more than a little relieved) to discover that the face on the screen at her Match Banquet is a familiar one. She already knows her Match! It's her best friend, Xander. Cassia feels beyond lucky.
Until an error occurs. Another face appears. Another boy Cassia knows.
Ky Markham.
But Cassia has already been Matched. And the Society is never wrong.
So what could it possibly mean? Is Cassia meant to be with her original Match? To live the happily ever after the Society has arranged for her?

Or will that split second of a different face, a possibly dangerous decision, change everything?

 

Here's What I Think:

For those that like their dystopias a little more romantic, swoony, and love triangle-y and a little less "Let's start a revolution!" or "Ah! Zombies! Ruuuun!," Matched is the book for you.
I'm not saying this is strictly a love story though. The Society is fucked up, to be sure, but because Cassia has been raised in it her entire life, she doesn't know any better. She doesn't know that there are things that should be questioned.
She blindly trusts her government. Until she doesn't.
To me, that was the brilliance of this book. With other dystopian novels, because of the main character's already strong point of view, we pretty much know early on that shizz is super shady and that officials are not to be trusted. But Ally Condie allowed the bullshizziness of her dystopian Society to unfurl slowly.
In fact, while reading I thought, this doesn't seem as bad as Panem where they televise young children fighting each other to the death. And at least they haven't completely outlawed love and decided that it's a disease that needs to be eradicated a la Delirium.
They just want to find you your perfect Match. And place you in the right career. And dictate how many children you can have. And--- Holy shit! I've drunk the Kool-Aid!
But see! That's how they get ya.
Everything seems fine. Everyone seems content. But it's just smoke and mirrors. There's something truly unsettling about the Society. And it's because all the soul-sucking evilness is done subtly. All the changes happen slowly.
So it takes Cassia awhile to realize that her "choices" aren't for her own well being. In fact, her choices aren't really HER choices at all.
And when she realizes that and what that truly means, she finally decides to take her life and her fate into her own hands.
And she's pretty smart about it. She rebels quietly, on the down low. She doesn't immediately gather up her pitchforks and torches and start full-on raging against the machine.
Which is good because, in the Society, that's a quick way to get yourself red-pilled. So mucho snaps to Cassia for showing some smarts. Something she demonstrates further by recognizing that any decisions she makes to break the rules won't just result in consequences for herself, they also have the potential to endanger everyone she loves. So Cassia really has to think about the risks she's willing to take.
Not to imply she's some self-sacrificing donkey, shouldering all the burden, and not even entertaining the idea of getting someone else involved in her troubles.
That's one thing that I REALLY hate that seems to be super prevalent in YA. From Harry Potter to the Pretty Little Liars, it seems like everyone is totally wrapped up in this whole "being noble" bullshit. But you're not being noble. You're being an idiot. AND frustrating the reader to the point that they want to throw large, heavy objects at you.
WHY do fictitious people have such hang ups about asking for help? I mean, what are friends for?! You can't very well defeat a dark arts obsessed wizard or an anonymous stalker with an affinity for vowels by yourself.
Sorry. It seems I've gone off on another one of my classic tangents. Let's get back to the review at hand---
That's why I Judd Nelson fist pumped so hard for Cassia. Because she recognized that shit was about to hit the fan and she didn't shut down. She turned to her parents and her best friend, Xander.
And even though she couldn't be completely forthright with them , she did give them plenty of read-between-the-lines, what-i'm-telling-you-isn't-necessarily-what-we're-actually-discussing, wink-wink, know-what-I'm sayin'.
Most of Cassia's absolute truths were saved for Ky. And they revealed said truths slyly.
So, like I said, I appreciate that the author didn't just allow Cassia to suffer in silence and wallow in untold secrets for the entirety of a 366 page book. Because, also like I said, I HATE that.
Ok, I think I've pretty thoroughly exhausted that topic. So let's move on. In fact, let's go ahead and put a ribbon on this thing.
Is Matched the rip-roaringest, compulsively page-turniest dystopian on the block? Probably not. It was a bit slow at times and there were moments when I felt like Ally Condie was maybe over-describing the situation/character/event/common household item. But I don't fault her for that. Because homegirl can flat-out write! 
More than anything, Matched is a beautifully written story about a sweet first time romance and what it means to find your own freedom.

Swoony Times:

Matched delivers one of those tried and true themes commonly found in YA: the love triangle. But because the Society is so butt crazy controlling with its strict ass rules, the most one can hope for is a few longing glances, a little light hand holding, and maybe MAYBE a chaste kiss or two.
But, HELLO!, when you've got a love of triangular proportions, you're gonna want to up the ante eventually. And that's just what Ally Condie does. She provides the slow burn.
Cassia has a BIG decision to make, so she takes her time making it. And, surprisingly enough, this didn't make me want to pull my hair out in fistfuls, clutching them towards the sky and screaming, "JUST PICK ONE ALREADY!!!"
I mean, homegirl was conflicted. I get it.
Should she go with Xander, her best friend and original Match, knowing that he would be her safest bet and that she would always be happy enough with him?
Or should she really take a chance and choose Ky, the momentary glitch in the system, knowing that in choosing him everything in her world will completely change?
It is quite the dilemma picking one handsome, smart dude that totally adores you over another equally handsome, equally smart dude that also happens to totally adores you.
So, who was I rooting for?
I think I'll take a Team Ky t-shirt; light pink, size M.
Although, in truth, Cassia really couldn't go wrong no matter which guy she chose. Both Ky and Xander possess the boyfriend potential trifecta: intelligence, a kind heart and a hot body!
But Ky's character was a little more fleshed out. We get to know him on a deeper level. Plus, I gotta admit, he totally won me over with the sneaky, wonderful way he shared his story with Cassia.

Bonus Shizz:

Dystopia!

Oh dystopias! I wish I could quit you. Although not really because this has, surprisingly enough, been the one genre where I have yet to stumble upon a stinker.

I mean, The Hunger Games, Delirium, Divergent, the Walking Chaos trilogy? Loved 'em all!
And Matched fits right in. True, it might not be the balls to the walls, thrill a minute, action-packed type of new world that you might be expecting. But that's ok. Personally, I would rather have a little variety now and then than read the same old story of Girl Meets Boy And Other Boy and Must Almost Single-handedly Save The World.

Love Triangles!
I've got a real love/hate relationship with love triangles. When done properly I think they can be fun and swoony and just a teeny bit heartbreaking (but in a good way.) When done improperly however--- UGH! Don't even get me started. *cough*Bella/Jacob*cough*
The love triangle of Cassia, Ky, and Xander is one I can get behind. Cassia's feelings for both boys never felt forced or rushed. And because they all grew up together, the progression from "it sure is fun swimming together," to "hey, you're actually pretty cute," seemed natural. 
And even though it's fairly obvious that romantically Cassia prefers Ky, it's equally as obvious that she genuinely loves Xander too. But hey, you never really know. I mean, there are two other books in the series and I guess anything could happen.

Noteworthy:

From page 127:

The books' backs are broken; their bones, thin and delicate, fall out. The workers shove them toward the incineration tube; they step on them. The bones crackle under their boots like leaves.

This passage left me seriously conflicted. On the one hand, it's so beautifully written.
But then there's that other hand. It physically hurt my stomach to read this paragraph. As a book nerd I absolutely cannot abide book homicide. Also, I'm not too keen on people being told what they can and can't read either.

If You Liked That, Try This:

Delirium by Lauren Oliver.

The Scale Of Judgment Says:

...... 4.
A sweet first-love story with a dash of rebellion on top!

******

    

Evil Eva Reviews... Pandemonium

EvilEva reviews ...... Pandemonium by Lauren Oliver.  

WARNING!

This is the SEQUEL to DELIRIUM!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Dissecting The Cover:

Um, I don't get this cover at all. I mean, I get that it matches the second Delirium cover (which also didn't make any sense.) (I'm also a little peeved because even though it does match the second cover, it totally does not match the first cover which is the copy that I own. So now my Delirium series won't look cohesive on my bookshelf. I'm being  punished for buying this book BEFORE it got out-of-control popular! I call shenanigans, Harper Collins!)
Anyway, I guess the foliage is supposed to represent the Wilds? Although there was never a point (nor would there ever be a point) when Lena would be frolicking among the flowers. It makes me wonder if whoever is responsible for these covers has even read the book between them.

Let's Review:

Lena made it over the fence and into the Wilds. Alex wasn't so lucky. Now Lena will have to learn to survive without him. Luckily she meets a girl named Raven who saves her from near-death and introduces her to a whole homestead of people like her and Alex.
People that don't believe love is a disease. People that believe you should have a choice. People against the Deliria-Free America organization. People with a plan to overthrow them.
After what happened to Alex, Lena is determined to join the fight.
With the help of her new found friends, Lena heads back to the city to put their plan into action.
But an incident with Julian Fineman, the son of the DFA's leader, could ruin it all. Or it could completely change everything.

Here's What I Think:

You may recall that I abso-fucking-lutely LOVED Delirium. Also that I've been stalking Lauren Oliver (in my mind only, of course) since reading Before I Fall. So obviously I was completely stoked when Pandemonium, the much anticipated sequel to Delirium, FINALLY came out.
And, of course, Lauren Oliver being the unbelievable author that she is, didn't disappoint this time around either.
Pandemonium starts off with Lena at some school in the present which is really the not-so-distant future because, if you'll remember correctly, last we left Lena she was headed for the Wilds NOT algebra class. The book ping-pongs from chapter to chapter, starting with this future "now," followed by "then" which chronicles Lena's time in the Wilds. It sounds confusing, I know, but give it a few chapters and I promise you'll sink into the story.
Even though this is the sequel to Delirium, it couldn't be more different. Where as the first book was more about falling in love, Pandemonium is more about survival. And while Lena was gutsy in Delirium, this time around she's downright badass. Cos, as it turns out, surviving in the Wilds is tough business, y'all. Especially when you've been sheltered your entire life.
So Lena has to harden herself and toughen up not only to make it through the day to day challenges of her new life but also so she can be ready to seek revenge against the people that took Alex away from her.
While we're on the subject of Alex--- and here's a bit of a SPOILER ALERT and also a mini rant for those that have read Delirium and thus feel my pain--- I CANNOT believe that Lauren Oliver would make us fall so completely butt-crazy in love with Alex only to let him be captured and possibly killed in the sequel! Yes, I know that's how Delirium ended, so I shouldn't be shocked that that's how Pandemonium starts, but I'm an optimist. All those many months anxiously awaiting the release of Pandemonium, my mind turned over the hundreds of thousands of scenarios in which Alex could have escaped, could still be alive, could have made it over the fence and reunited with Lena. But no. He's just gone. AWOL.
Lena thinks about him, sure, but then there's that Julian Fineman fella and that whole "trying to save their lives" thing that occupies her mind a little more. So it was kinda hard for me as an Alex fangirl and a Lena/Alex shipper, to suddenly be Alex-less and having this new guy thrust upon me that I'm supposed to be all swoony over now. But Alex is irreplaceable, y'all. I can't just jump on the Julian train simply because it's currently pulling into the station and my boy Alex is nowhere to be found. I'm completely loyal to my fictitious peeps that way. And crazy. I'm also crazy. ;)
Anyhoodle, other than the Alex withdrawal, Pandemonium is yet another fine feather in Lauren Oliver's awesome-writer cap.
And, my God!, with that ending!, it makes me even more excited for the final book! I can't even begin to imagine how it's all gonna end. But I can't wait to read it!

Swoony Times:

Since swoonypants Alex from Delirium is MIA in Pandemonium (is he dead!? is he imprisoned?! we don't know!) Lena needs a new guy to take her mind off her guilt/grief/sadness/Alex obsession.
Enter Julian Fineman, son of Thomas Fineman, the founder of the Deliria-Free-America organization. And while Julian does sound like a dreamboat being all blue-eyed and blond-haired, and while he does show amazing strength under pressure, and while he does seem to genuinely care about Lena, he's just not Alex. Lena may have been able to move on but I just can't. For me, it's as simple as that. Team Alex 4ever!

Bonus Shizz:

Dystopia!
Dystopias are really hot right now. Sequels to dystopias? Even hotter.
And Pandemonium totally delivers. There's action, adventure, romance, drama. Everything you could possibly want in a futuristic world-gone-to-hell thriller!

Survival Of The Fittest!
The Wilds is a brutal place. You've got to know your shizz in order to survive. Lena's lucky enough to meet people right off the bat that are willing to show her the ropes.
Being a crafty MacGyver-type my damn self, I'm always interested to read about people finding inventive ways to do normal things they can no longer do normally. Plus there's the added bonus of totally preparedness for when that whole zombie apocalypse happens. Y'all come on over. I've got backup generators! :)
(P.S. sorry to tell anyone that hasn't read Lauren Oliver's series yet, but there are no zombies in it. Just an evil corporation that hates love.)

Cliffhanger!
Some people don't care for cliffhangers but I love 'em. And Pandemonium has one hell of a cliffhanger. Obviously I can't (and won't) say more but let me just tell ya--- You. Will. Be. SHOCKED!

If You Liked That, Try This:

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins.
Divergent by Veronica Roth.

The Scale Of Judgment Says:

...... 5!
This is Lauren Oliver. Blowing my mind. Yet again.

The TBR Back Burner Challenge Round 10 Reviews

This month I decided to read the two books from my TBR pile that seem to be constantly mocking the ever-loving shizz outta me. That would be Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins and The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness.
It seems to me like all other book bloggers (and perhaps every other person on the face of the planet) have read and hyped up these books. So now I'll FINALLY know what the big friggin deal is! Hooray!

EvilEva reviews...... Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins. 

Anna Oliphant is perfectly content living in Atlanta, attending Clairemont High with her bestie Bridge, and crushing on her hottie coworker Toph.
But for Anna's senior year her Nicholas Sparks-esque father decides to uproot her from everything she knows and loves and ship her off to a boarding school in Paris. Not that Paris isn't awesome. It's just not home.
Anna doesn't know anyone, she certainly doesn't know her way around and she barely even speaks the language! So senior year could possibly be super disastrous.
But thanks to the kindness of Anna's dorm neighbor, Meredith, she's welcomed into a little group of friends. Which includes the very handsome Etienne St. Clair.
St. Clair is sweet, confident, funny, charming, gorgeous and he has an accent! And a girlfriend. Not a problem. Anna's fine with simply being St. Clair's best friend. Until she starts having Feelings that suggest she'd really like to be Something More.
What's an unsupervised lovestruck girl in Paris to do?

Holy friggin sexy swoon, Batman! This book is like falling in love for the first time. Not a crush. Not lust. Full-on knee-weakening, palm-sweating, pit-in-the-stomach L-O-V-E! Stephanie Perkins knows what she's doing, y'all!
Now I know why this book has been hyped so much. Cos it totally deserves to be! See, this book has turned me into a gushy schoolgirl. Ok, focus! You have a review to write.
So. Anna is the main character of this tale, obvs. And we love her. She's not "traditionally" beautiful. She's real, she has flaws which, as a person with flaws my damn self, I really appreciated. Plus, girlfriend's got a personality! And interests! She's gaga for movies. In fact, going to the theaters is what pushes Anna out of her dorm room-size comfort zone and inspires her to check out other things that Paris has to offer. I would totally be the same way. Scared of getting lost in a strange city where you don't speak the language. But I know eventually my need for reading material would kick my ass outta my room.
Now onto the sexy business! At the beginning of the book, Anna's really attracted to St. Clair. But then she finds out he's got a girlfriend, so Anna slips into The Friend Zone cos she'd rather be friends with him than nothing at all.
But the more they hang out together, the swoonier things get. And I think that shows what an amazing writer Stephanie Perkins is because there was really very little physical hanky-panky going on in this book. It's all about the stolen glances and accidentally grazing hands and almost kisses. It's all very swoontastic!
Plus the backdrop is Paris so you automatically have to multiply that swoon by 10 in order to properly gage the swoonitude of Anna and the French Kiss.
So sexytimes are important but so is friendship. And Anna is lucky enough to acquire some really great friends. Meredith is the first to befriend Anna. Mer is super sweet, sporty and smart. (She's also got a thang for St. Clair so there's even more drama in this already thick drama stew.)
Then there's Rashmi and Josh, the couple that fight hard and love harder.
And, of course, St. Clair, who I've prattled on about enough already.
I really liked the group dynamic. And as much as I enjoyed the St. Clair swooniness, I wouldn't have minded if the whole group was together more.
We're also introduced to Anna's BFF in Atlanta, Bridge and her BSC (Before St. Clair) crush, Toph. And even more boy drama ensues there!
Plus we get to watch Anna discover the city and herself as she tries to figure out what she wants and who she wants to be.
All in all, Anna and the French Kiss is a really sweet story that you'll totally fall in love with! Or as the French would say *le sigh*

The Scale of Judgment says...... 5!

 

EvilEva reviews...... The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness.

Todd Hewitt and his trusty dog, Manchee, live in Prentisstown, a strange settlement of New World where men can hear the thoughts of every other man (and animal) in an endless stream of unbearable Noise.
One month shy of becoming a man himself, Todd heads to the swamp on a quest for apples and finds something else entirely. He finds complete silence. And in Prentisstown, silence is dangerous.
Especially when it's in the form of a young girl. Because there have been no women in Prentisstown for years.
So when Mayor Prentiss finds out about Todd's discovery, he begins to form an army, intent on hunting down Todd, his dog and the girl. 
It's up to this small band of unlikely heroes to head for the rumored big city settlement of Haven to warn them and try to prevent another war.

As y'all might know I've gone a little dystopia crazy as of late but I kinda can't help it because all the ones that I've read have been so good. The Knife of Never Letting Go is no different.
It's told from the point of view of Todd, a 12 year old (maybe 14 depending on what calendar you use) who's unhappily happy living in this little town solely inhabited by men whose thoughts he can hear 24/7 with his dog, Manchee, and his guardians Ben and Cillian. Todd has lived in Prentisstown nearly 13 years, minding his own business as best he can and then suddenly one day his whole world is upended. Todd finds a girl and silence, both of which are completely foreign to him. Soon after Todd also finds out that his whole life has pretty much been a big fat lie. It seems even through all the Noise, secrets can still be kept in Prentisstown. Things become unsafe for Todd. The mayor has started an army and as if that isn't bad enough there's also a loony preacher that's out to get him too. So Todd's given a rucksack of things he'll need like a journal written by his mother, food, clothes, a map and a knife and told to make his way to another settlement, one that Todd didn't even know existed.
He takes along his awesome dog, Manchee, who totally reminded me of Dug from Up! and the girl who he learns is named Viola. And together this little band of misfits head out to find help and hopefully answers. 
I can't really tell you too much more because anything else would be spoilery.
I will tell you this though, the first few chapters are a little slow because it's mostly Todd semi-explaining the world around him without giving concrete information like what the heck a spack is and why he's referred to as a "Whirler boy" by some of the local animals.
But the story started to pick up around the fourth chapter and it was fun tagging along on this journey with Todd, Viola and Manchee. I mean, as fun as running for your lives can be. This story is pretty intense. And the kids are younger, so if you're looking for the swoon you found in The Hunger Games and Delirium, you're barking up the wrong tree. The Knife of Never Letting Go is about survival and what it takes to really, truly be brave. And Holy balls with that ending!
If you like your dystopia on the heavy side, with more running and less smooching, then this is the book for you.

The Scale of Judgment says...... 4.

So yay! I FINALLY read these majorly blog-hyped books! Now I know why they were so majorly hyped! If you're still wondering, I would suggest you go ahead and read them so that you too can be in the loop! :)

EvilEva Reviews... Moby Clique

Last month I reviewed the first two books of the Bard Academy trilogy for my TBR challenge. Here's my review of the final book, Moby Clique.

Warning!

This is the third book in the series so this review may contain spoilers!

EvilEva reviews...... Moby Clique by Cara Lockwood. 

Miranda Tate is actually looking forward to starting her junior year at Bard Academy, a reform school that doubles as purgatory for famous dead authors. Her sunny outlook changes however when her sister Lindsay wrecks their dad's car, an offense that lands her at Bard as well.
And of course, Lindsay wants to be in the clique of Parker Rodham, resident mean girl and Miranda's nemesis. With Lindsay being a total Parker kiss-ass, a teacher brown-noser, and president of the Ryan Kent (ahem, Miranda's ex) fan club, Miranda is so over her sister's foray into badness.
Then Lindsay disappears. Miranda suspects Lindsay may have been tricked by Parker into finding a hidden cove that may contain a long lost treasure. But Lindsay doesn't know the dangers of the woods or the secrets that they hide. She could be in serious trouble. So, once again, it's up to Miranda and her friends to save the day.

Y'all know that I love Cara Lockwood. Her chick-lit totally rocks my socks. But this Bard Academy, I just don't know. I liked the first two books ok but Moby Clique, well, it seemed kinda sloppy. There are pirates and kidnapped students and mention of a buried treasure and yet none of this has anything to do with the plot of this book. It was just kinda stated and then pushed aside.
I mentioned in my previous post that this series is too crammed full with stuff. A case of too many cooks in the kitchen.
Well this one actually didn't involve nearly the crazy shizz as the last two books but for me it still didn't work. Even with less chaos the story didn't flow well.
I found Miranda to be kind of annoying this time around. Her relationship with Heathcliff bugged the fuck out of me. I haven't really been a fan of Heathcliff's from the beginning but I found him even less swoonworthy here. Miranda seemed so cliched in this one. She would fall or slip or lose her grip and things would seem dire and then Heathcliff would swoop in (sometimes seemingly out of nowhere) and rescue her with his super strong, muscle-y arms. And yes, ladies, I know this can be swoon city sometimes. But when it happens like 20 times during 294 pages, well it's so not swoony anymore. I mean, a book ago our gal was facing down Dracula and a pyromaniac and now she can't even walk through a fucking forest without Heathcliff holding her hand?!?! WTF!?!?
Umm, sorry for that little rant.
Anyhoo, pretty much the only saving grace for this book was the badassness that is Blade. She's my total fave. She kicks ass, she takes names, she takes shit from no one, she's her own person and that person is awesome!
We did finally get to hear the real story behind Ryan's mysteriously dead girlfriend but the explanation was so ridick that I don't even wanna talk about it.
Plus, for the faculty to be comprised of FUCKING GHOSTS who can walk through walls and disappear from one area only to appear in another, they were particularly useless in this "adventure."
So. I really wanted to like this series but, well, now I'm thinking I should just stick with Cara's chick-lit.

The Scale of Judgment says...... 2 and a half.

The TBR Back Burner Challenge: Round 9 Reviews

Since it's September and thus the start of a new school year I thought I'd kick it off with a series about a boarding school! Truth be told, I loves me a good boarding school story. I would probably feel a lot differently if I actually had to attend a boarding school but alas I was "poor" growing up and so I was shipped off to public school which isn't nearly as glamorous as I imagine boarding school to be. But we did have awesome foot-long hot dogs every few weeks! Do boarding schools have foot-long hot dogs? I like to think they don't. So yay public school for your long ass hot dogs! Anyway, here are my reviews for Cara Lockwood's Bard Academy series.   

EvilEva reviews...... Wuthering High by Cara Lockwood.

 
After crashing her dad's car and stealing her stepmom's credit cards, Miranda Tate is shipped off to Bard Academy, a boarding school for unruly teenagers.
Miranda so does not belong with these freaks, goths and other assorted delinquents. But she tries to make the best of it, you know, since she has no other choice.
But there's something very off about Bard.
There's a strange boy named Heathcliff who thinks he hails from Wuthering Heights and is semi-stalking Miranda, an occult-crazed roommate who swears a vampire is on the loose, a ghost story about a girl that disappeared in the woods that might actually be true, a group of very suspicious teachers, a crazy woman that starts fires, AND Miranda's crush from her old high school!
So yeah, something is definitely off. And even stranger, Miranda seems to be at the center of the off-ness which could put her in grave danger. But what's the connection between Miranda and this bizarre boarding school? And can she figure it out before it's too late?

This book is extremely crazyballs. There's just so much going on.
There's, of course, Miranda and her trials and tribulations, trying to survive in this new place in which she feels doesn't belong.
Add to that a nutty roommate, an oddball creepster, weird teachers, an arsonist, a ghost, a hot crush, daddy issues and dish duty and you get a whole lotta subplots. Maybe too many, especially considering there are two other Bard Academy books. 
As a main character, Miranda is semi-spoiled but she's not so bratty that it makes her unreadable or unlikable. She's got a snappy Juno-esque quality about her. And she has a few witty one-liners that made me laugh.
She also unconsciously forms her own Scooby gang courtesy of friends Hana, Samir and Blade. I liked their crew and wouldn't mind getting mixed up in a caper with them. Miranda's also lucky-ducky enough to have two guys vying for her attention. There's Ryan Kent, her crush from her previous high school who's got a secret of his own (mysteriously dead girlfriend, anyone?) And then there's Heathcliff, the strong silent type that always seems to be saving Miranda in one way or another. Oh and he might also be a fictional character come to life.
Bwhaaaaaaa?!?! Yeah, the premise of this book is kinda cray cray. And it's not what we're used to from Cara Lockwood but it's not complete suckage. It's a fun, light read that might just spur you to get interested in the classics.
My only complaint would be the last few chapters. It was like there were so many storylines and the author was trying to wrap all of them up at once. It felt kinda rushed to me. But, other than that, a fun, light read.
Now on to the next!

The Scale of Judgment says...... 3.

WARNING!

This is the second book in the series so this review may contain a few spoilers.

EvilEva reviews...... The Scarlet Letterman by Cara Lockwood.

Miranda & Co. are back for a second semester at Bard Academy, a boarding school for delinquents run by the ghosts of famous authors.
But if Miranda thought it was just gonna be sexytimes with her new boyfriend, the Ryan Kent, and fun with her besties, well, she's got another think coming.
Two teachers have mysteriously disappeared and Miranda's the main suspect! Now she's being shunned by the whole school and even worse, forced to wear a hideous red sweater vest of shame!
Can she prove her innocence, unmask the Hooded Sweatshirt Stalker, fight off A TIGER, find out if Heathcliff is still hanging around and keep Parker Rodham from stealing her boyfriend?
It's just another normal day at Bard Academy.

Mysteries abound yet again at Bard and Miranda and her friends seem to be the only ones who can solve them.
Coach H and Ms. W have vanished (Wait. Didn't they "vanish" in the last book too? Yes. Apparently out of the entire staff of Bard Academy, Coach H and Ms. W are the only ones that are kidnap-worthy.) Miranda becomes the prime suspect for, if you ask me, very stupid reasons.
Anyhoosies, much like the books semi-namesake, Miranda gets Hester Prynned. She has to wear a fugly red vest, she can't talk to anyone and no one is supposed to talk to her. But this shows the awesomeness that is Blade and Hana because they find a clever way to communicate with Miranda that is so very Nancy Drew. Their characters got more face time in this book and I'm glad because I needed them to balance out Miranda's wishy-washiness in the great debate of Ryan vs. Heathcliff. I mean, one is a basketball star and the other is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER, for Vaughn's sake! The answer should be fairly clear. Not that I myself don't loves me some fictional boys but I wouldn't pick them over a living, breathing, very much into me hot tottie. I may be nerdy but I ain't that nerdy. So Miranda kinda got on my nerves with that bullshizz.
The Scarlet Letterman is packed with just as much crazy business as Wuthering High. Again, maybe a little too much crazy.
There's the missing teachers, a campus shover, The Scarlet Vest Of Shame, boyfriend troubles, a shunning, Heathcliff, magical drawings and a motherfucking tiger!
So a lot going on.
These books aren't bad, they're just not up to snuff. And I'm a big fan of Cara Lockwood so I know her snuff is better than this.

The Scale of Judgment says...... 3.

Since the TBR Challenge is two books per month, I'll be reviewing the third and final book in the Bard series separately. So check back for my review of Moby Clique: coming soon.

EvilEva reviews... I Am Not A Serial Killer

EvilEva reviews...... I Am Not A Serial Killer by Dan Wells.

  
John Wayne Cleaver is a teenage sociopath trying desperately to keep his dangerous thoughts in check. But when a serial killer comes to town, John's sickness comes bubbling to the surface. Can John use his killers instinct to determine the murderers next move and stop him from claiming another victim? Or will his own dark urges turn him into the monster behind the boy?

This book is the first of a trilogy but fear not, it doesn't end on a cliffhanger. In fact, after reading I Am Not A Serial Killer, I really have no idea what Mr. Monster (the sequel) could be about. We find out the serial killer's identity and the reasons he kills in this book. So I would guess that Mr. Monster will be more about John's psychotic tendencies. Which sounds interesting but lets review Serial Killer first, shall we?

I actually found John to be a fairly likable protagonist. You know, for a sociopath. That's probably because, like him, I find mortuaries and cemeteries and autopsies and dead bodies and the minds of serial killers fascinating. Not really sure what that says about me. But with all the CSI shows that are on the air, I feel quite certain that John and I aren't the only kooky ones out there. So that's good to know.
Anyhoo, John's mother and aunt prep bodies for funerals and I thought that Dan Wells did a good job describing the process as well as John's compulsion to be a part of it. I also liked that his descriptions of the mutilated bodies were gory but not blatantly and grotesquely so.
I will admit that when I started this book I thought it was gonna be your run of the mill thriller whodunit but actually about 100 pages in it turns supernatural. I wasn't expecting that at all. It makes me wonder though if the paranormal theme will be picked up in the next two books or if it was just a one time deal. If it's only a one time deal then I think that's kinda stupid. I think that would be kind of jarring to have these supernatural elements & then suddenly it's just back to high school as usual. Like I said though, I don't know what Mr. Monster is about so I'll try to stop letting it butt in on this review.

I did like this book. It was a pretty quick read, only 271 pages. I thought the pacing was good, fast but not rushed. I liked Dr. Neblin, John's therapist. I liked that he seemed genuinely interested in John and wasn't just some lame-o Dr. Phil know it all type. I liked Brooke too. I'd like to see what kind of relationship will develop between her and John. And I wanna see what's next for John himself.
I found this book to be a horrific thriller. In the best way possible, of course.

The Scale of Judgment says...... 3 and a half.