Saturday, September 29, 2012

EvilEva's Trailer Park Classes It Up With Classic Books Into Movies

Welcome back to the Trailer Park, y'all. i don't know if you've noticed, but a lot of literary classics are headed to the big screen.
So in the effort to class up this joint, i present to you some snooty-tootie trailers for books-into-movies that scare the pants off of me. Not because they're horror, mind you, just because they're long and complicated and very Tolstoy-y. 

See, this is my problem with "the classics." Even though i'm a nerd that loves to read, i'm actually kinda stupid and these "classics" confuse the hell out of me. To this day even hearing the words "Great Expectations," makes me want to punch someone in the face and then burst into tears. Weird but true. That book has been the bane of my bookish existence and my book kryptonite since the 10th grade.
Anyhoo, that's why i generally stay away from the classics, because they bring on bouts of facepunchery and tears.
The movie industry, however, does not care for my tale of woe and instead is hell bent on introducing me to this Pip kid along with his equally stuffy and hard-to-understand friends Count Vronsky, Sal Paradise, and Jean Valjean.
Now let me just admit that even though i'm a book nerd and all that, i haven't actually read any of these books. The closest i've come is Cliffs Notes on Great Expectations. (P.S. Thanks, Cliff! You cheating lil' bastard.)
And while we're being truthful with one another, i might as well admit that i have also never seen any movies/plays/miniseries/masterpiece theaters based on any of these books either. i'm just shame-faced all around. 
So since i don't really have any clue (or many clues, rather) what these books are actually about, i'll just write what i think based on what i've gathered from the trailers. Ready? Here we go.  

We'll start with the trailer for Anna Karenina.
Here's The Trailer:

Here's My Take:
First off Anna Karenina is an extremely hard name to write and say. It's kinda like banana. There are just way too many n's and a's. i mean, how many na's are in this thing?
Anyhoozie, the story goes something like this (more or less): A fiercely and fancy-dressed Keira Knightley marries Jude Law who seems kinda sanctimonious about her affair with an unfortunately blond and hideously mustachioed Aaron Johnson (who has something very Colonel Mustard about him going on) considering Jude's own affair with that British nanny. (This fact may be from his real life and have no basis in this movie.)
Anyway, apparently everyone is all Team Jude and they think poor Keira is a total slut. Other than gossip about Keira Knightley, the townsfolk also enjoy ice skating, horse races, dance parties, and long rides on the Hogwarts Express! Then poor Keira gets knocked up, Jude Law gets even more sanctimonious and Colonel Mustard goes crazy. And someone probably dies. i mean, the trailer didn't really show that but let's face it, affairs in movies NEVER end well. i just hope poor Keira Knightley doesn't own a bunny.

Now let's move on to the Les Miserables trailer:
Here's The Trailer:

Here's My Take:
Hmm, this one is a bit of a toughie. The trailer doesn't really give me many details to go on but here's what i gleaned from this minute and 37 seconds.
Things are evidently gonna get musical up in this piece as Anne Hathaway warbles her way through that song Susan Boyle sang on Britain's Got Talent lo those many years ago when people thought that only attractive people had the ability to sing and were totally shocked that Susan was actually *gasp* good. i mean, really, had those people never heard of Clay Aiken before?
Anyhoo, back to Les Miz--- Hugh Jackman is in it and he looks really rough and somewhat Jude Law-ish. i really thought he was Jude Law when i first saw him. But no, it's Hugh Jackman and a months growth of facial hair. 
There are also poor people. Lots and lots of poor people. Poor people in the streets! In the woods! In a factory! On boats! Hooray for poor people!
Ok somewhere between looking like Jude Law and poor people, Hugh Jackman has managed to find a razor. Oh thank God! That was a close one.
Russell Crowe is also in this movie. He looks like a total jerk. Which isn't very surprising because he kinda looks like a jerk in every movie he's in. But unlike every other person in this movie, he doesn't look poor. So... good for him?
Anyway, Amanda Seyfried is in this movie too.  i don't know if her breasts can still tell when it's raining or if she's still carrying on her affair with Aaron Echols but she kinda looks like the poor mans Princess Buttercup in this flick. It's unclear whether she's an actual princess or maybe  just some hippie.
When Anne Hathaway isn't singing, she's chopping off all of her hair which we're supposed to think it looks chic short. We're also supposed to think Anne can sing. 
This is obviously gonna be some huge, sweeping epic although even after viewing the trailer i still don't know what this movie is about. Except poor people. Perhaps i need to read the book first before viewing this one.       

It's time to watch the trailer for On the Road:
Here's The Trailer:

Here's My Take:
This seems like a total hipster movie. i mean, having not read the book and based solely on the trailer i can imagine many a hipster douche walking around with a tattered copy of On the Road in their back pocket. It seems tailor made for those intellectual phonies that like to brag about how their favorite book of all time is Catcher in the Rye or War and Peace just because it makes them seem so fucking superior to you and me who, like a normal person, would admit that our favorite book of all time is Harry Potter. Because It's AWESOME. NOT because it makes us sound smart and sophisticated and too cool for school. Just because it's AWESOME. 
 Anywaysies, (which isn't an actual word but one i made up and like saying because it feels good so take that hipster douches that are sneering at my incorrect word usage.) it's the 40s or 50s or some other era, i don't know, i'm not good with cars. There are also typewriters and jazz if that helps.  Some dude in a flannel shirt decides to take a road trip with some other dude in a white T and for some reason they decide to take sadsack Kristen Stewart with them. Ugh, last person i would wanna take on a road trip EVER.
Anyway, in my estimation this movie is basically the dude-bro version of Crossroads. Although i don't know if there will be a karaoke battle in this movie. Probably not. i don't think guys do that. And even though K Stew played Joan Jett in The Runaways, i don't think she could totally nail I Love Rock n Roll for gas money like Brit-Brit can.           

And finally the trailer i dread the most, Great Expectations:
Here's The Trailer:

Here's My Take:
Ok so truthfully here's what i immediately thought while watching this trailer:
Great Expectations. Starring:

That's all my Harry Potter soaked brain could see upon viewing this trailer for the first time. After i realized that this wasn't actually a Harry Potter film (even though it stars about half of the cast of any given HP movie AND was directed by the director of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) i figured i should probably give it a second watch. So upon my second viewing of the trailer, here's what i think Great Expectations is actually about:
So there's this kid, Pip, and he somehow gets tangled up with some old cray crone named Miss Havisham who seems a little too involved in the love lives of children. Especially since one of said children is her adopted daughter, Bitchy Ginger. And, of course, Pip falls in love with Bitchy Ginger because men (even at a young age) are fairly stupid and love them some bitches.  
So Pip grows up and becomes friends with Hagrid and apparently he gets rich because of some mystery benefactor (which is something i hope to have one day as that sounds like the best thing EVER.) But even though Pip is loaded and has access to dragons and griffins and shit, all he really wants is the sweet, sweet lovin' of Bitchy Ginger. 
But, unfortch for Pip, Bitchy Ginger seems to have grown bitchier with age and so she waltzes with some other dude that's not Pip right in front of actual Pip's face. Pip's pissed. 
Then Lord Voldemort shows up and there's a ship and Pip whines about Bitchy Ginger some more and Bellatrix LaHavisham's dress catches on fire. But i guess LaHavisham doesn't die because she brags about how she totally fucked up Bitchy Ginger's emotions. And then Pip whines some more about his unrequited love for Bitchy Ginger. And after writing the word "ginger" so many times, it makes me wish that there was a Weasley in this story somewhere but, alas, there is not.   

So that's my take on things. What do you guys think? Have you read any of these books? Was i even remotely close with my assessments? (Let's be honest: probably not.)
Will you see any of these movies while you're really just anxiously waiting for Catching Fire to come out? Sound off in the comments and tell me what ya think.