Evil Eva Reviews... The Magicians

EvilEva reviews ...... The Magicians by Lev Grossman.

Dissecting The Cover:

I don't really understand this cover. I guess it's supposed to represent the tree that Quentin magicked into being at the end of the book? No spoiler alert needed there as said scene with said tree is of no real importance to the story. Which makes it a fairly odd choice to use such a throw-away scene as "cover material."

A more accurate cover would feature a gaggle of melancholy teens, smoking and drinking and looking completely bored with their trivial, pedestrian lives.

This cover, however, with its copse of tranquil trees and its serene little stream looks better suited for a brochure for a mental health facility.

You know, on second thought, maybe this is the perfect cover choice after all!

Let's Review:

Quentin Coldwater is perfectly bored with his perfectly planned life. Everything is laid out before him, opportunities well within his grasp.
Yet while trudging through the drudgery of everyday life, Quentin longs for something more. Silly as it seems, he can't help but dream of the fantastical, fictional world of Fillory, a magical land from the pages of his favorite childhood stories.
The books brimmed with strange creatures, daring escapes, perilous journeys.
Quentin's life of college interviews, clueless parents and unrequited love seems spectacularly lackluster by comparison.
So when a way out suddenly presents itself, Quentin jumps at the chance to finally embark on an adventure of his own.
It begins when a simple piece of paper leads him to the discovery of a lifetime. Magic is real!
It exists within the walls of an exclusive college, hidden away in upstate New York where only a chosen few possess the ability to find it.
Quentin is one of those few.
At Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, Quentin will be taught the principles of magic and learn what it takes to become a true magician.
It's exactly the kind of excitement he's been searching for!
Little does Quentin know, it could also lead him to the very thing he's been so desperate to find--- a way in to Fillory.
With the help of his friends and his newly acquired skills, Quentin sets off on the ultimate quest: the pursuit of all that he desired from his past and everything he could ever imagine for his future.

Here's What I Think:

I really have to hand it to myself, I made this book sound totally readable in the Let's Review section. However, the truth of the matter is, I hated this book. And I don't mean in an "aw I really wanted to like it but I didn't. what a bummer" kind of way. I'm talking about a "rip the spine right down the middle, hurl the thing across the room, salt and burn the earth where it lands" level of hatred. Which is kind of crazy because it had so much potential.
It's been touted by other reviewers as an adult version of Harry Potter.
It received raves from George R. R. Martin and John Green (authors I actually like.) 
And after reading a sample of the first chapter I myself was intrigued enough to give it a try. A decision I quickly regretted.
So where did it all go wrong?
Well, there was the plot, the pacing, the characters, the dialogue, the lack of actual magic. I could go on. And I will!
Behold my list of grievances!

Grievance #1.
I'll start with the fact that I don't know what to call this thing. I mean, I do----
piece of shit
waste of time
boredom personified.
But as far as genre goes, I don't really know where to put it.
I mean, this book is seriously all over the place, leading me to believe that Mr. Grossman suffers from what I have coined Distracted Dug Syndrome.
Distracted Dug Syndrome, or DDS as it is more commonly known, is a condition in which a person (such as the aforementioned author) is focused on their work, chugging along, getting shit done when all of a sudden SQUIRREL!

They become distracted, lose their train of thought and then hitch that train to a wholly different caboose only to have it chug off in a completely different direction than the one it was originally pointed in.
It is my professional opinion that this was the case with The Magicians.
For instance, chapter 1 finds Quentin discovering a dead body.
We don't know who this corpse is or how he died or what this means for Quentin. Ah, so obviously a mystery is afoot, right?
Wrong! This poor unfortunate soul gets maybe four pages in which we learn nothing about him, nothing is resolved as far as he (whoever he might be) is concerned and I guess it's a good thing Quentin wasn't particularly traumatized by this event because we never hear about it again. And all of a sudden the story devolves into something completely different.
As I said--- SQUIRREL!
Now Quentin is attending a secret, exclusive Hogwarts-esque magic school. Well, this book is called The Magicians so I guess that makes more sense than a possible murder mystery. Alright. I'll roll with it.
I will admit that Mr. Grossman spent a little more time ripping off Harry Potter than he did with that half-assed whodunit. However, it's not long before--- SQUIRREL!
And suddenly we're dumped in some sort of low budget Narnia. So..... wait..... now it's a fantasy novel? I am so confused. But, like I said, I can roll with this. I like lions. I like witches. I like wardrobes. Let's end this thing on a high note! Let's vanquish evil and save Fillory! Who's with me!
-SQUIRREL!-
Goddammit!!!! Now it's a coming-of-age story!?!? Now we're "learning lessons?" "Growing up?" "Gaining insight?"
What the fuck am I reading!?!?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for genres colliding. I like a good supernatural mystery. A historical romance. A supernatural romance. A historical mystery. A comedic drama. A dramatic comedy. Hell, I'll take a historical, romantic, mysterious, supernatural, comedic, dramatic, sci-fi, fantasy, horror, coming-of-age story. As long as it's done well.  As long as the transitions between genres are seamless and everything comes together and makes sense in the end.
Unfortunately that didn't happen here. And I think the whole genre confusion is ultimately what lead to such a disjointed plot. Also known as...

Grievances #2.
The best way I can think of to describe the plot would be if the author grabbed several books from his shelf at random, stuffed them in a blender, hit puree, dumped the whole big mess on to paper and named it The Magicians.
Like I said, the story is just all over the place.
It begins in Brooklyn where Quentin fantasizes about being anywhere else. Then there's a death, an odd paramedic, and a folder with Quentin's name on it which leads him to this mysterious estate in upstate New York which turns out to be a magic school called Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy. So Quentin takes a test, passes, and is allowed to attend this magic school. Which he does until he's whisked away to Brakebills South in Antarctica, then it's back to the regular Brakebills where Quentin promptly graduates somehow even though we never really read about him actually going to classes or doing homework or taking tests. It should be noted here that all of this has been crammed into part 1 of this book. There are still three parts left in which Quentin flees to Manhattan where he discovers that Fillory, a magical Narnia-esque place he thought only existed in the pages of his favorite childhood book series, actually exists in real life and he can actually go there. But first he has to travel through the Neitherlands which is like a giant portal-possessing waiting room and THEN he finally gets to Fillory only to find it's not what he thought it would be so he goes back to NYC where he works for some account team.
I know. What!? The actual!? FUCK!?!?
And that's not all. Not only does the story bounce around from place to place, but storylines are constantly introduced only to invariably be dropped and replaced by a whole new storyline that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the first one only to then have the original storyline reappear some 200 pages later with a "resolution" that seems thrown in as an afterthought.
Like, Oh, by the way, this is what happened to Alice's brother, and this is why Professor Mayakovsky was banished to Antarctica and oh yeah, remember that Beast fella from chapter 8 well it's actually [redacted]
But none of these come as big reveals or jaw-dropping revelations. Instead they land with a hollow THUNK! because any kind of interest you might have invested in the answer died a slow painful death long ago.
There are just too many ideas and not enough follow through which makes the plot a confusing mess which ultimately aids in the fuck-upping of other aspects of the story, like the pacing. Or as it shall henceforth be known...

Grievance #3.
The pacing is unbelievably haphazard, making the timeline practically impossible to follow. One day can drag on for a whole chapter while an entire year is gone within the span of a couple of sentences. And these time jumps aren't used to propel the story forward. They just seem thrown in (like everything else in this book) for no reason.
It doesn't keep the reader on their toes, it confuses them to the point that they're forced to flip back however many pages it takes to figure out what fucking day it is and how much fucking time has passed. It's especially frustrating when the parts of the story that could have potential, like the magic classes and the ins and outs of Fillory, are rushed through and summarized quickly. While the parts that are boring and offer no real relevance to the story, like the inane game of Welters that wants so badly to be Quidditch and what it's like being a fucking goose, have paragraphs upon paragraphs of mind-numbing prattle devoted to them.
At times it can make getting through the book really hard. It's like wading through raw sewage with waders on. Or slogging through a shitstorm with a faulty umbrella. 
Although no matter how bothersome and tedious the pacing might seem it is nothing compared to big fat....

Grievances #4.
Which is the characters. It is a rare book indeed when you can find absolutely NO character that you like/relate to/root for. But, lo and behold The Magicians is that rare book.
The "hero" of our story is Quentin Coldwater. And the best word I can think of to use to describe him is insufferable. Completely and utterly insufferable. He does nothing but whine and complain and blame everything and everyone for his "problems" when really the only "problem" he seems to suffer from is being a pathetic little bitch. He literally gets everything he wants and he's still not happy. I mean, he basically gets accepted to Hogwarts, finds a girlfriend that loves him despite his awful personality, journeys to Narnia, defeats an evil monster, gets handed a crown, a kingdom, and a high paying job at which he doesn't even have to do any actual work and all he can muster is boredom, self-pity, and mild depression.
Basically you spend the whole book wanting to punch him in the throat and coming up with colorful little nicknames for him like Harry Twatter.
And I know what you're thinking, what about the other characters? Surely there's at least one that you're happy to see appear on the page. No. There's not. The rest of the characters are just as terrible.  Probably because they're all more or less the same person. Every character in this book (their names really don't even matter) is pretty much interchangeable. No one has an individual voice or any kind of distinguishing qualities to differentiate them from the next loser. It's just hipster douches as far as the eye can see.
And they're all so "brilliant" and so "gifted" and so disgustingly underwhelmed that they've been hand-picked to attend this secret university that teaches MAGIC!
Ugh! They all act so blasé and above it all. Like it's no big deal that they basically MADE IT TO HOGWARTS! And who even cares that they get to use REAL MOTHERFUCKING MAGIC!
It made me want to go full Voldemort on these ungrateful brats! I was seriously more invested in thinking about what I could use as my own Horcruxes so that this plan may come to fruition than I was with reaching the end of this book and finding out what happens to these boring entitled shitheads.
Now, you  might be thinking, well certainly with Quentin and Co. starting out as the human equivalent of hot garbage those 402 pages should afford them plenty of opportunities to reform, evolve and become decent non-garbage people, right? No, you stupid optimist.
These characters end exactly as they began. Immature, stunted, self-centered and miserable. Or as I said before, completely and utterly insufferable. Seriously. They should just rename this book Hipsters Hate Adventures. Or The Chronicles of Nothing: The Lion, The Witch and The Whatever. Or Harry Potter and the Too-Cool-For-Magic-School Classmates. Any one of these titles would be acceptable as they all succinctly describe the character's perpetual flippancy. They also happen to accurately describe the story between the pages of this book far better than the actual title does. Because after reading it, you know the characters are douchebags, you're not so sure however if they are actually magicians. Which leads me to the final and possibly gravest of grievances.

Grievances #5.
Where exactly is the magic!?!?!?
I mean, the book is called The MAGICIANS, there is a MAGIC school where they teach MAGIC to students who want to become MAGICIANS but there are no spells cast, no potions made, no charms used, no curses uttered. And no explanation is ever given for how any of this works. Apparently we don't need to know the mechanics involved with levitating a marble or bending light or flying to the fucking moon! All we need to know is that it can be done and we call this magic. Which is basically what one of the professors at this "prestigious college" says to his impressionable students:

"In any case, we do not and cannot understand what magic is, or where it comes from any more than a carpenter understands why a tree grows. he doesn't have to know. He works with what he has."

If that's the case, then why exactly do they need to attend these classes? Why does a magic school even need to exist?
It's like an English Lit professor saying you don't have to know how to read in order to understand literature.
It's an easy out. And in taking it, Grossman completely misses out on any opportunity to fully engage his reader by providing details that could set his story apart from others like it.
I mean, this is fantasy. You have the keys to the kingdom. You can create worlds and languages and creatures. You can make the impossible possible, the unbelievable believable, transform the ordinary into the extraordinary.
So just saying magic is magic because it's magic seems like a cop out, not to mention a total insult to the reader.
Although, I'm really not at all surprised to feel underwhelmed by this book yet again. It was pretty much my permanent state while reading it. I mean, I've already dealt with sloppy writing, dropped storylines and forgotten characters so the fact that this magic school ended up being less than magical seems like par for the motherfucking course.
In fact, I'm fairly certain the only real magic involved here is how my interest in this stupid story -POOF!- disappeared. I guess this was a rather long way of telling you what I actually already told you at the very beginning of this review/rant, which is I HATED this book.
For me, The Magicians was like a Dementor from that other far superior fantasy series, it just sucks your soul right out of you. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find a piece of chocolate, lie down and try my best to recover.

Swoony Times:

This is not a swoony book. There are no sexy times. I mean, there is sex but it is definitely NOT sexy. Unless people transforming into foxes and fucking is your thing. If so, there is that in this book. Also, on a sidenote, you might want to consider some kind of psychiatric help as an affinity for fox-fucking is a pretty weird affinity to have.
Anyhoo, I'm fairly certain the reason for such an abysmal showing of the swoons is entirely thanks to Quentin and his nonexistent personality. Being that he is such a whiny, angsty, entitled turd of a person, it's really no surprise that he has pretty much zero chemistry with anyone he comes into contact with. But I suppose one could say he has the most least chemistry with Alice. Or the least most chemistry? I don't know. However you want to phrase it, Quentin and Alice are the "romantic leads" of the story. I have used quotation marks here as Quentin and Alice's "romance" is in no way "romantic."
Their relationship feels completely forced. Like they've stuck together strictly because Quentin happens to be the main character and the main character obviously needs to have a love interest and because Alice.....
Well, I don't exactly know why Alice feels the need to be saddled with Quentin. She could do so much better than this wretched little weenie. Well maybe not so much better because honestly there is nary a swoonworthy boy to be found in this book.
But literally anyone would be an improvement over Quentin. Seriously. It is so hard for me to believe that anyone would be interested in Quentin AT ALL much less in a "let's take off all our clothes and hug with our genitals" type of way.
In fact, it is at this point in the story where I had to suspend my disbelief the most.
There's a wizarding school in New York, you say? Sounds legit.
A magical land from a fictional book actually exists? Perfectly feasible.
Teenagers turn into geese and fly to Antarctica? Highly logical, Mr. Spock.
But are you really trying to tell me that there is someone out there that finds Quentin to be suitable boyfriend material!?!?!
Surely you jest, sir.

Bonus Shizz:

Magic School!
As someone who has read the Harry Potter books and watched the Harry Potter movies and obsessed over the Harry Potter universe (and as someone who is both living and breathing) obviously my ultimate goal in life is to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
I'm actually still anxiously awaiting my letter of acceptance. It should be here any day now.
But in the meantime I thought I would check out Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, and let me just say, it's less expecto patronum, more expecto disappointment.
See, Hogwarts is like an illustrious ivy league while Brakebills is your safety school. You're almost guaranteed an easy in but you don't really want to go there.
So even though there are few things that tickle my fancy quite like a magic school, this one just wasn't for me.
*sighs* Maybe I'll take a year off instead. To find myself....
or Narnia!

Book Lovers!
I love when characters in books LOVE books. It's like meeting a kindred spirit. And despite his many flaws that irritated the ever-loving fuck out of me, Quentin's unwavering obsession with his favorite book series was something I could actually relate to.
Getting lost in another world, finding hope and redemption in a character, believing wholeheartedly in something that can't be done, envisioning yourself somewhere far better than where you  are. The knowledge that you can relive it all in one afternoon, snuggled in your coziest nook by simply turning a page is, in itself, true magic. Because as every book lover knows, a good story never lets you go.

Mix Tape:

If this book had a soundtrack.....













If You Liked That, Try This:

*The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.
*The Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis.

The Scale of Judgment Says:

Zero points for Mr. Grossman!

The truth is, I hated this book so much that I'm going to award it The Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather Seal Of Disapproval. Also known as.....

Which I will be presenting to any book that scores a 1 Nancy rating on The Scale of Judgment from this review on!

The Game Of Thrones Drinking Game

Recently I not only got into Game of Thrones, I got ALL UP INTO Game of Thrones!  I marathoned the entire series thus far which consists of 3 complete seasons and a half of a season.
All in all I consumed 36 episodes in a little under a week.  (And that's all while also watching my regularly scheduled programs.)  So, yeah, I became slightly obsessed.  
So, of course, I totally had to make a drinking game for my latest obsession!  Thus: 

The Game of Thrones Drinking Game



This one goes out to all my homies.

 

Take a shot of your drink of choice whenever any of the following happens...... 

*A main character dies. (Take another shot if it was someone you actually liked.)
*Boobs!
*This just in: "Winter is coming."
*Daenerys says "my dragons."
*Someone makes fun of Tyrion's stature.
*Someone makes fun of Brienne's stature.
*You want to punch Joffrey in the face.
*Anytime Jon Snow "knows nothing."
*Bran has that goddamn 3-eyed raven dream.
*Hodor says "Hodor."
*Sword fight!
*Prostitute sighting!
*Someone refers to Jon Show as a "bastard."
*Someone refers to Daenerys as "Khaleesi."
*Someone refers to Jaime as "Kingslayer."
*Arya recites her shit list.
*Jorah gets friend-zoned. 
*Someone loses a body part.
*Someone takes a drink.
*"A Lannister always pays his debt."

Brace yourselves a hangover is coming, so, as always, drink responsibly. 

Book Resolutions For 2014

It's that time of year again!  Time for resolutions!  More specifically, BOOK resolutions!
So while thinking about what I would like to bookishly resolve to do this year, I figured it only made sense to take a look back on previous years and previous resolutions.
And you know what I found?  I really suck at keeping them!
But I shan't let that lack of achievement stop me.  Hells no!
I will learn from my past mistakes!

So this year I've resolved NOT to get all resolution crazy.  Instead I will focus all my bookish energy on keeping the mere 2 resolutions that I've come up with.  So, without further ado, here are my Book Resolutions for 2014:

1.  I will STOP obsessing about hitting that coveted "100 books read" mark and I will instead enjoy the books I do manage to read and I will review and post them promptly.  (Normally and shamefully, I put the "pro" in procrastinator.  I'd like to stop that shit and start blogging on the regular.  You know, like a blogger does.) 

2.  I will start up The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge again!  I've been wanting to do this one for a while now.  I've kinda missed the BSC, and the Sweet Valley gang, and the effed up horrors of R.L. Stine and Christopher Pike.  I've also missed being super snarky.  ;)

So, there you have it. My very short list of Book Resolutions for 2014!
What about you guys?  Got any Book Resolutions of your own that you'd like to share?  Well dish it up in the comments section or you can find me on Twitter @girlsleuth and share your rezzies by using the hashtag #BookResolutions.

Have a happy new year, y'all! And happy reading!!!

Evil Eva Reviews... Shadowlands

EvilEva reviews ...... Shadowlands by Kate Brian. 

 
Dissecting The Cover:

I might actually like this cover if not for the oddly fancifully-dressed young lady right smack dab in the center of it. I mean, WTF? At no point in this book is Rory super dressed up. (She's also not a brunette.) So I don't get the fancy girl at all. Or the birds. Or the equally inappropriately attired blond (or is she a redhead? or is it that hideous ombre which I blame Pinterest for?) on the back cover.
I imagine the meetings for this cover design (and most YA covers in general) went a little something like this:
"Quick! Get me a teen, a fancy gown, and some random something that will appear equal parts innocuous and ominous!"
I do like the font and the color of the title though. And I like the cloudy, there's a storm a-brewin' background. If only they had stopped there.

Let's Review:

Rory Miller was taking a shortcut home from school when she was attacked.
She would've been killed like the rest of Steven Nell's victims, but she managed to get away.
And so did Steven Nell.
With Rory alive and a killer on the loose, the FBI is afraid he'll come back for her. So they place Rory, her father, and her sister Darcy in witness protection, sending them to the remote island of Juniper Landing, where everything, from the homes to the people, seems a little too perfect.
Rory and Darcy are immediately befriended by a mysterious group of locals and soon enough their schedules are filled with bonfires and parties. But while the carefree vibe of the island helps with Rory's anxieties, she still can't shake the memory of her terrifying ordeal.
Then the disappearances start.
And Rory is convinced Steven Nell has found her once again.
Is it merely coincidence? Or is Nell back to finish the job?
And is that even Rory's biggest problem? Because the beautiful island of Juniper Landing is holding a dark secret of its own.

Here's What I Think:

In a way I feel slightly cheated by this book. Based on the inside jacket cover blurb, I thought Shadowlands would be an on-the-lam, cat-and-mouse, psycho-killer-stops-at-nothing-to-get-the-one-that-got-away type of book.
And while it is partly that, I felt like the main focus was really the island Rory and her family are relocated to, and the weird and mysterious shizz that immediately starts going down once they arrive.
Which isn't that big of a deal. I mean, I like mysterious islands. I watched Lost (until it got all tedious.)
But because of the blurby, false advertising, coupled with the fact that I knew this story would be spread out over three books, I felt like the beginning was a little rushed.
In a way, I guess that's my own fault. I just assumed that the build up of Rory being preyed upon would make up the bulk of the book. But within the first few chapters, Rory's attacked, gets away, the FBI is called, Steven Nell evades capture, and Rory and her family are sent to live elsewhere under semi-assumed names. It's all just a little too much at once. 
And, unfortunately, this was the first of many problems I had with this book. And I HATE saying that because I heart Kate Brian. But Shadowlands and I just didn't seem to click. 
For starters, I never really connected with Rory. I mean, sure, I felt bad for her. She just went through this terrible, traumatic event, she's forced to leave her home and everything familiar for some unknown location, AND she's still being pursued by some whackjob. 
I get it. That majorly sucks. However, it's no excuse to abandon any kind of a personality. And I felt like Rory didn't really have one. Her character just fell flat for me.
In fact, most of the characters seemed one-dimensional. I found that I really didn't care what happened to any of them, I gave less than a shit about their well being, and whenever they seemed to be in perilous danger, I might have actually stifled a yawn.
Which is complete madness because normally Kate Brian is a wiz at character development. Unfortunately, the characters of Shadowlands seemed to be suffering from a terrible case of the blahs though. (Except Olive. She was by far the most likable. I mean, she plays guitar, hates running, and dresses like a vaguely emo Claudia Kishi! Get me a "wild" BFF charm necklace that I can bestow upon her STAT!)
Another problemo I had with this book was its Big Bad. Or rather how the seemingly incompetent FBI "handled" him. Which was incompetently.
I mean, I'm pretty sure if a serial killer was fo sho after you, the FBI wouldn't merely shove you in an SUV and have you rely solely on GPS technology to get you where you're supposed to go.
I'm fairly certain you would be escorted in some fashion to your new location by someone that actually works for the bureau. I would really hope they wouldn't leave something that important up to your dumb ass.
I'm also fairly certain they wouldn't let you keep your first names and simply change your last name. I mean, this "Steven Nell" fellow is supposed to be some kind of criminal genius, having killed at least 14 people and evading the law for years, but he's suddenly gonna get tripped up because you changed your last name from Miller to Thayer?!? Even though you're STILL a family of three comprised of a father named Nick and his two daughters, Rory and Darcy?!? WHAT?!?! No! Just..... no.
So, ok, technically my problem was more with the dum-dum FBI rather than with Steven Nell.
Really as far as Big Bads go, he's not too shabby. In fact, he practically seemed plucked right out of an episode of Criminal Minds. Which is to say, he's a total creep.
Most of the chapters are told from Rory's POV, but a few give us insight into the completely twisted, disturbo mind of Steven Nell. His chapters made me super uncomfortable. It's like that feeling you get when someone's breathing down the back of your neck. *shudders in revulsion*
Ok, so, by this point in the review you're probably thinking, "Damn, bitch! What did you like about this book? According to the Scale of Judgment you gave it a solid 3, which makes it Mildly Amusing. So where's the Mildly Amusing part?!"
Well, calm down, y'all! I'm getting to it.
What I DID like about Shadowlands is that it involved a mystery! I LOVE mysteries! I get super excited when a mystery starts to unravel. I love rustling up suspects, dodging red herrings, examining clues, identifying shady behavior! It gives me such a rush!
However, this mystery was kind of an unsolvable one. Or maybe I'm just an idiot. Either way, I didn't figure out the M. Night Shyamalan-ian twist at the end. I knew something was rotten in Denmark though, so I put on my Nancy Drew cap and got all thinky on this bitch!
Which, sadly, yielded zero results.
I like to think that's not my fault though.
I felt like the book was layered in too much random weirdness: point A not really connecting to point B, and point B only connecting to point C by a very thin, loose thread.
I think Kate Brian layered this book with too many twists and turns but didn't provide the reader with enough lil' bread crumbs to actually figure out what the fuck was going on.
But even though Shadowlands and I didn't totally hit it off, that doesn't mean I'm giving up on this trilogy.
Now that I know what's going on in Juniper Landing (more or less,) I'm hoping all the twists and turns and random weirdness  of the first book will be explained more succinctly in the sequel, HereAfter. (Available October 1st!)
Maybe I can get some of my mystery-solver street cred back. ;)

Swoony Times:

There really aren't any swoony times to be had in this book. And rightfully so. I mean, something super traumatic just happened to Rory. So, of course, she's still raw and vulnerable and scared out of her mind.
Not that that keeps her from noticing the boys Juniper Landing has to offer. I mean, she's still a teenage girl after all.
There's the dark-haired, cocky, popular pretty boy, Joaquin. He immediately takes a liking to Rory even though she totally throws 'I'm just not that into you' vibes his way.
But Darcy is seriously (and somewhat embarrassingly) smitten with him.
Rory's more into Tristan, the mysterious, blond, man-of-few-words type.
Nothing really comes of either coupling, but hey, it is a trilogy. Maybe some major makeout seshes and copious swoony times are on the horizon!

Bonus Shizz:

Nice Digs!

Even though Juniper Landing seems seriously shady, I couldn't help but be taken in by the descriptions of the beachy atmosphere!

Rory and Darcy have a pretty sweet set up; a cozy cottage complete with window seat, winding staircase, floor to ceiling windows and easy access to the beach! I mean, if ya gotta hide out from a psychotic serial killer, it might as well be in a quaint, postcard-perfect beach town, am I right?

Mystery!
From the jump there seems to be something majorly up with the folks of Juniper Landing. I mean, we are almost at Stepford levels of bizarre here. And even with the hundreds of thousands of hours I've logged solving mysteries alongside Nancy Drew, Veronica Mars, Isabel Spellman, and Jessica Fletcher, I couldn't make heads nor tails of what exactly the eff was going on.
So the ending was quite a shock for me.
You bested me this time, Kate Brian, but I'm not willing to give up my magnifying glass just yet. You can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be sharpening my skills before the sequel comes out. ;)

Cliffhanger!
I know cliffhangers aren't for everyone. I know there are some people that reach the end, see the cliffhanger, and immediately start f-bombing it up while stomping around their house for like, a week, grumbling under their breath and throwing their hands in the air.
I'm the opposite. I LOVE cliffhangers!
In fact, if I know going in that I'm reading a trilogy or a series, I kinda just expect them.
I like to refer to this as The Alias Effect. If you watched the show (and why wouldn't you? It was AWESOME!) you know why.
If you didn't watch it (I don't know that we can be friends anymore. Especially if you're not at least willing to Netflix that shizz.) Alias pretty much couldn't end an episode with anything other than a cliffhanger. I don't care if it was the third episode of the season or the season finale; they were gonna leave you heart-pounding, mind-blown with maybe a little bit of pee in your pants. Because, with an ending like that, you gotta stick around and see what happens next! JJ Abrams was super crafty like that.
And even though I felt like I was slogging through some portions of this book, Kate Brian reeled me back in with that ending. Guess homegirl knows a thing or two about The Alias Effect herself. 

If You Liked That, Try This:

Private by Kate Brian. 

The Scale of Judgment Says:

...... 3.
A little more mystery, a little less "mysterious island," please.  

******

Evil Eva Reviews... Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

EvilEva Reviews ...... Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling.
 

Dissecting The Cover:

Mindy looks adorbs in her ruffled pink top and thoughtful as if she truly is contemplating whether everyone is hanging out without her.
Sure, the cover is fairly simple; just Mindy in front of a fancifully-wallpapered wall. But this is a comedic actress/writer's memoir not some sweeping, serious, doom and destruction, robot-y, famine-y dystopia or some dramatic, love triangle-y, teens-on-a-tandem-bike-in-the-pouring-rain romance. So for me, the simpleness works.
And, because of the books you can usually find me reading, I'm just glad they let Mindy keep her head!

Let's Review:

You might know Mindy Kaling as a writer as well as the portrayer of Kelly Kapoor on The Office. Or maybe you know her from her hilarious new comedy The Mindy Project. Or perhaps you know her from simply being awesome.
However you've come to know Mindy, now you can know her even better!
Part memoir, part Girls-Guide-To, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? is a fun, witty collection of essays on life, love, work, and friendship told in Mindy's signature self-deprecating, sassy, sage voice.

Here's What I Think:

Mindy's book reads like what I imagine a really long, scattered conversation with the woman herself would be like if we got together for a chat and cheese fries at Applebee's.
She would regal me with stories of her time at The Office and what it was like working for a television psychic, while peppering in her opinions on women in romantic comedies that most certainly don't exist in real life (which was my fave chapter!) and the rights and responsibilities one should uphold in order to be a dope best friend.
We would exchange childhood horror stories of being made fun of and living with the atrocity of having a bowl-cut.
We would talk fashion, gossip about boys, and I would badger her into dishing about what her famous friends are really like.
Then we would promptly order dessert!
Reading Mindy's book is like being granted access to your best friend's diary. If your best friend happens to be extremely complimentary about her coworkers, deeply loves her parents, and keeps a tight lid on her sexual exploits.
So, yeah, Mindy doesn't reveal anything too dishy and salacious, which is kinda what you want from a celebrity memoir (if you're me anyway!) 
There's no x is such a d-bag. Or y is a total monster. Or z really needs to get her shit together. Which I totally get. I mean, Mindy doesn't seem the type to talk trash about a person. In print. For the whole world to read. But maybe... over cheese fries? :)

Swoony Times:

While there is a chapter on guys and romance, Mindy doesn't really spill the tea on any of her previous or current romantic entanglements. 
However, she does share her views on one-night stands (not into them,) chest hair (totally into it,) and the vast differences between men and boys (too many to name, though all hilarious and totes true!)

Bonus Shizz:

Childhood Photos!

I love looking at old photos! Seriously. I can easily be lured into wasting the better part of an afternoon with the mere mention of these often times unflattering and embarrassing relics of days gone by. I mean, relatives, friends, boyfriends, enemies, even random celebrities. I'm a sucker for ANYONE in OshKosh overalls and terrible 80s hair!

Mindy has assembled pics of herself as a "chubby" baby and an adorably bespectacled little kid. There's also that one picture on page 19 in which I don't have the slightest clue what the fuck is going on. But in which Mindy appears to be bobbing for apples... in MIDAIR! While wearing some sort of Wonder Woman-esque outfit!  

Best Friends (In My Head) Status!
I totally stole this from Wendy Williams. Wendy is constantly declaring that people she's never met are her best friends IN HER HEAD. I get it, girl. There are tons of authors/celebrities/what-have-you that I think I would totally connect with if, you know, I ever actually met them. Wendy Williams is, in fact, one of them. (How you doin'!)
Mindy is also one of my best friends IN MY HEAD! I just totally dig her sense of humor and her sassypantsness. I also like that she's a girls girl who's not afraid to show her smarts AND unleash her inner nerd!

Noteworthy:

From page 83 (Part of Mindy's Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities)

IF OUR PHONE CONVERSATION GETS DISCONNECTED, THERE'S NO NEED TO CALL BACK.

I get it. You get it. We take forever getting off the phone anyway. This is a blessing.

This is probably one of my most favorite observations in the book because, literally the day before I read this passage I was on the phone with Bestie J and we got disconnected and just didn't bother calling each other back. It's friend code. We were basically just bullshitting around anyway, this wasn't a life or death convo so it was like, well, guess we're done talking. It really is a blessing though. Especially when you're long-winded and you've both just finished reading the same book and could quite literally stay on the phone for at least five more hours discussing imaginary characters that you kinda care more about than some of the actual people in your life. Some calling plans just can't take that kind of booknerd dedication, you know?
     
From page 155 (Mindy on one-night stands)

Eventually, my constant interruptions make her so irritated, she stops telling her sexy story. I guess nothing puts a damper on a one-night stand as much as your friend pointing out all the opportunities where you might have been killed.

From page 161 (Mindy's inner monologue after a conversation with her ex's new girlfriend who is both young and not a bitch)

Don't you dare, Chloe. Don't you dare make it impossible to hate you. Quit looking at me, all earnest, with those Bambi eyes.
Also, I'm your "hero"? What am I, ten thousand years old? I quickly said something weird like "Bless you, child," excused myself, and walked briskly away.

 If You Liked That, Try This:

Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According To Kathy Griffin by Kathy Griffin.
(Truth be told, I'm only suggesting this one because it's the only other memoir I've ever read. Plus, much like Mindy, Kathy is super hilarious. Although you would probably be alright trying Bossypants by Tina Fey or any of Chelsea Handler's books too.  

The Scale Of Judgment Says:

...... 3.
I'm normally not a nonfic chick but Mindy's book had me lol'ing, nodding my head in agreement, and wishing that I could in fact hang out with her!
   

******

   

Dystopian Books-Into-Movies News That Is A Go And A No (Plus Find Out Who Will Play Augustus Waters!)

There's been quite a bit of Books-Into news floating about the Internets while I've been M.I.Bloggy.A lately. But I'm back, bloggerbabies! So let's get right to this business!  

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems our Ricky-centric (ok, ok MY Ricky-centric) freak out may have been for naught. What I mean is, the Delirium pilot was not picked up by Fox. Which, if I'm being honest, I'm kinda happy about because now I won't have to witness that toolbox Ricky from Secret Life playing my sweet Alex. On the other hand, I'm a little bummed because this project could have been really awesome what with Emma Roberts (my homegirl!) attached to it. But, alas, it was not meant to be.
Although, if you were really looking forward to the project and have a dogged determination AND a Twitter account, you can search Twitter for peeps lobbying to get the show up picked up by another network and join in the crusade.

Cursed with a similar fate, The Selection won't be making it's way to the CW either. If you remember, a pilot had already been filmed once and was passed over. It then got a complete redo with a completely different cast. But, this pilot, once again, wasn't picked up.
I guess maybe networks are scared that dystopians have been doing so well that they're bound to be on their way out pretty soon much like the witches of the 90s and the vampires of the 00s. Maybe their lifespan just seems better suited for movie trilogies.

A show that totally IS happening is The Originals! The spinoff of the CW's The Vampire Diaries is set to premiere this fall! You can check out the back-door pilot (and totally squeal over that part where Klaus leaves a message for Caroline!) here. (But it's only for a limited time so hurry and watch, k?)

Now, here's the big movie news of the week, kiddos. The One Who Would Be Augustus Waters has finally been revealed! And the part goes to......
Ansel Elgort!
I thought the name sounded kind of familiar and then it dawned on me why. He's the actor that will play Caleb Prior in the film adaptation of Divergent. So he'll be in two really big Books-Into -Movies. One in which he'll play Shailene Woodley's brother and the other he'll be playing her lover. That's..... weird. But congrats, Ansel (even though this is starting to get into some V.C. Andrews type of weird territory.)

Speaking of Divergent, a while back Entertainment Weekly gave us a first look at the movie. 
Behold the knife-throwing scene:

I'm still totally NOT into Shailene Woodley playing Tris but this is a pretty cool still to share right out of the gate. So, well played, EW.

And in even MORE Divergent news, the title and the cover art for Veronica Roth's third and final book in this series was recently released! It will be called Allegiant and will hit stores October 22nd. And I'm too friggin' excited! Like, Jessica Spano on caffeine pills excited!

I'll end this post with two new trailers. The first is the international trailer for The Mortal Instruments. This one seems a little more in-depth than previous trailers, plus it includes a sneak peek at baddie Valentine!
City of Bones will be in theaters August 23rd.



The other trailer is for Judy Blume's Tiger Eyes. Surprisingly, this is the first of Judy's many books to ever be turned into a movie. I've never read this one but based on the trailer, it looks pretty emo. It's all death-talk and pill-popping and crying-jags, hospitals, the desert, and what I'm just assuming is a dead father story.  
It stars Willa Holland from Arrow and, unless my eyes are deceiving me, the Pink Power Ranger. Huh.
Anyway, you can catch Tiger Eyes in theaters starting June 7th.



Well guys, I think we are sufficiently caught up with our Books-Into news. But, as you well know, new shizz is being reported EVERYDAY.
So I'll try to stay super vigilant with the latest.
Now I'll turn it over to your rants, raves, comments, and concerns. Leave 'em in the section below.

Evil Eva Reviews... Attachments

EvilEva Reviews ...... Attachments by Rainbow Rowell.

Dissecting The Cover:

I'm totally digging this cover!

I like that it's simple. I like the double meaning of the title. I like that it's cute without being cutesy.

To me, this cover says "Why, yes, I am a serious reader but with a touch of whimsy. Now hop on my unicorn as I adjust my monocle and straighten my cardigan sweater and we'll be off to Narnia tout suite!"

Let's Review:

Lincoln O' Neill has a pretty boss job title at The Courier: Internet security officer. It sounds fairly bad ass, like he'll be in charge of thwarting hackers and building impenetrable firewalls. Like James Bond on desk duty!

That's pretty far off from what his job actually entails, which is reading other people's emails. He's basically a glorified eavesdropper.

Which isn't exactly what he signed up for.
But there is one bright side to his moral dilemma. Lincoln becomes thoroughly entertained by the correspondence of two of his coworkers.
Beth Fremont and Jennifer Scribner-Snyder spend endless amounts of company time spilling the intimate details of their lives and loves; from weddings and weight gain, to boyfriend and baby trouble.

Lincoln knows it's his duty to turn them in. But he just can't bring himself to do it. He also can't bring himself to stop reading their emails.

Which could be a problem. Because Lincoln is fairly certain that he's falling for Beth.
So the big question is this: How do you formally introduce yourself to someone whom you've been technically kinda, sorta semi-spying on for months? 

And the bigger question? How do you declare your love to someone that doesn't technically kinda, sorta semi-know who you are?

Here's What I Think:

Attachments came along at the perfect time for me in by book-reading schedule. I had just finished Matched and was super psyched to start Requiem which would be out... in TWO WEEKS!

I don't know about y'all, but I can't go two whole weeks without reading SOMETHING.

I was in quite the quandary. I didn't want to start Crossed (the next book in Ally Condie's trilogy) just yet. I needed something light and fun to break up the dystopia of it all.

And along came Attachments. It was the perfect chick-lit book with just the right mix of wit, drama, swoon, and fun! 
The story is told two different ways, alternating chapter by chapter between Lincoln's more traditional third person telling and Beth and Jennifer's emails. 
Lincoln is the primary protagonist though. We get to know more about him because we're basically in his head. And what we learn is that Lincoln is pretty much the quintessential nice guy.
He's kind and caring and a little shy. He lives with his mom. Befriends Doris the vending machine lady. Plays Dungeons and Dragons with his friends on the weekends. Takes his nephews to the movies. Goes to his sister for advice. 
But it also means his last girlfriend totally broke his heart. He's not skilled in the art of flirting. He can't hold his liquor. And he's slightly awkward socially. 
But you still root for him. You want him to succeed. You want him to get the girl. You hope that phrase "nice guys finish last" doesn't apply to him. He's just a lovable character.
As are Beth and Jennifer! Their emails are hilarious, revealing, sad, inappropriate, honest, random, and sweet. And even though, because of this format, we only get a few pages of their interactions at a time, they never feel like secondary characters. We learn all about their lives: the good, the bad and the ugly and it's all done with a sense of humor that can only exist between two best friends.
And while I loved the book as a whole, their conversations were my favorite parts. Maybe because they reminded me of myself and Bestie J!
I guess what I'm trying to say is, their friendship actually felt real.
Not like Jennifer merely existed for Beth to have someone to squeal with over her Cute Guy. (Not to say they don't squeal over cute guys. They do!)
I just hate it when the best friend role isn't fleshed out and it seems like homegirl's sole purpose is to drift into scenes, wholeheartedly agree with our heroine, and fade right back out. I like my besties with some personality!
So I really appreciated that Rainbow Rowell gave Jennifer her own story separate from the story she shared with Beth.
Ok, so I've told you about my love for Lincoln, Beth, and Jennifer, but, truth be told, Attachments is a veritable cornucopia of great characters!
There's Lincoln's well-meaning mother who can't let him grow up. His frazzled sister that desperately wants him to.
The saucy and sage Doris.
Christine, Dave, and the rest of the ragtag band of misfits that make up Lincoln's D and D group.
The hard-partying, smooth-talking, occasionally douchey but ultimately redeemable, Justin.
Beth's irritatingly cool rocker boyfriend, Chris. And Jennifer's sweet if often times oblivious husband, Mitch.
Basically, Rainbow Rowell is a genius when it comes to creating characters that are both lovable and flawed. She's also fairly masterful when it comes to building a hilarious story out of a seemingly simple concept.
I mean, sure, Attachments is a zippy, light, little read about office romance.
But we NEED zippy, light, little reads! They give us a much needed break from all the heavy, intense seriousness provided by our various dystopian, murder mystery, psychological thriller, vampire/werewolf love triangles.
So, if your book-reading schedule has recently been slammed with heavy-duty reads, might I suggest you take a walk on the zippy, light side with an awkwardly awesome guy and his love for a girl he's only read about!

Swoony Times:

You may be wondering how a book can have such a high swoon-quotient when the two main characters don't even meet until the very end.
Well the answer is simple. I have no idea.
But Rainbow Rowell does! In fact, she's kinda mastered the shizz.
You can practically FEEL the tension between these characters! From Lincoln's unrequited lust to Beth's experimental longing. It's a sweet, will-they-won't-they, intense tummy-knotter that keeps you desperately turning the pages til the very end.

Bonus Shizz:

Reading Emails!
TRUTH SERUM TIME: I think I might be a bit of a voyeur, y'all. I totally look in people's windows when I'm driving at night if their blinds are open and their lights are on. And I wonder what they're doing and if they're watching something on TV that I like. Or I think "Hmm. A burgundy living room wall? That's pretty bold. I don't know if I could live with that. It's a little distracting."
I mean, I'm not so bad that I snoop in people's medicine cabinets. I mean, we all have some kind of diarrhea medicine in our bathrooms. After all, everyone poops. So what do I care what brand you use? Answer: I don't.
I will however ALWAYS that a gander at your bookshelves. And I'll totally silently judge you if you don't even have a bookshelf. (I mean, what is that about!?!?)
Anyhoozle, the point of that tangent wasn't to frighten you into never inviting me over to your home, I was just trying to explain why I find it so fun reading other people's emails. Because I'm evidently a really fucked up individual.
I mean, it's not like I read other people's emails in real life. That's an invasion of privacy. But I do like when books are written in this format. I feel like we get to know the characters in a different, maybe more authentic way. Plus it makes for a quick read!

Author Stalker Status!
I realize that I'm kinda just gushing at this point in the review but I can't help it, you guys. I LOVED this book! I LOVED the characters! I LOVED the idea! And I LOVED Rainbow Rowell's writing style! So much so that I immediately went out and purchased Eleanor & Park. And then made a note to remind myself that Rainbow's next book (titled Fangirl!) (sqeeeeeee!) will be coming to bookstores September 10th!

Noteworthy:

From page 137:

"There's never been a moment," he barely said, "when I didn't recognize you."
She wiped her eyes. Her mascara smeared. He nudged the merry-go-round into motion. He could kiss her now. If he wanted.
"I'd know you in the dark," he said. "From a thousand miles away. There's nothing you could become that I haven't already fallen in love with.

Hear that? That's the sound of me swooning! This is why nerd boys are the absolute best!

From page 318:

She laughed. It was better than he could have imagined. Like a giggle falling off its chair.

I just love that line!

Mix Tape:

Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen!




If You Liked That, Try This:

The Boy Next Door by Meg Cabot.

The Scale Of Judgment Says:

...... 4.

This book will make you 1.) literally laugh out loud 2.) want to call up your best friend and 3.)  hope that an adorably awkward guy is reading your emails and dreaming of the day he'll get up the courage to talk to you.   

******

Music from Grooveshark.