Time to head back to Stoneybrook to catch up with our favorite babysitters! Are you ready? Here we go.....
EvilEva reviews...... The Baby-Sitters Club Mystery #5: Mary Anne and the Secret in the Attic by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1992.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*OMG! Mary Anne is actually in her attic hidey hole! At least her daddy allowed her to have a flashlight. Mary Anne's lucky she's an only child. If you find a creep named Christopher up there you better haul ass, Mary Anne!
Let's Review:
It's time for Heritage Day in Stoneybrook! Heritage Day is a made up holiday in which we celebrate our ancestors moving to Stoneybrook by making the elementary school students do research papers, write poems, perform skits and other assorted shit. While that sounds like one of the dullest holidays ever to me, the BSC is crazy excited about it. Except sad sack Mary Anne.
Because unlike the rest of the Baby-Sitters Club, Mary Anne's mother died when Mary Anne was just a baby and her dad is super controlling and refuses to tell her anything about her past. And Mary Anne is too much of a sad sack chicken shit to actually woman up and just demand that her dad tell her what she wants to know.
So Mary Anne roots through boxes in the attic to find anything she can about her past. What Mary Anne finds are pics of herself as a baby with two old people she's never seen before and letters written by these old people to her father. Mary Anne finds out that after her mother died of this mystery illness that no one ever names, her father sent her off to live with her mother's parents. So Mary Anne thinks that her dad didn't want her and instead of, i don't know, ASKING HIM ABOUT IT, Mary Anne mopes around for a week or so.
Then she accidentally picks up the phone while her father's talking to someone on it. That someone is Mary Anne's grandmother! And she wants Mary Anne back! But Mary Anne's father didn't have that hidey hole in the attic where he stores Mary Anne when she's not baby-sitting built for nothing! So G-Maw can suck it! Mary Anne gets super emotional as she is wont to do. But again, doesn't confront her dad.
Meanwhile, the BSC decide to make a booth for Heritage Day. They're gonna make giant cardboard cutouts of famous Stoneybrookians and take people's pictures with them and give the proceeds to the historical society. Cos the BSC are such fucking goody-goodies.
Well while making the cutouts, at Mary Anne's house natch, they spill paint and Logan is suddenly topless and music is blaring and it's all just a big ol' mess. Then the doorbell rings! Mary Anne answers it and thinks the lady is a social worker sent by her evil G-Maw to prove that Mary Anne's dad is an unfit parent! Oh noes! Loud music, a messy household, and a shirtless 13 year old boy in the house will not make a good case for Mary Anne's dad!
Mary Anne worries about this now. Again, not telling her dad any of her thoughts or fears.
Finally it's Heritage Day! And seeing everyone else's non-jacked up family's proudly displaying their non-jacked up family trees, Mary Anne finally breaks down and tells her dad that she snooped through the boxes in the attic. She finally tells him that she feels like a part of her is missing cos he never talks about her mom or their past.
So Mary Anne's dad finally explains all the shizz about her grandparents. When her mother died, Mary Anne's dad sent her to live with her grandparents so he could get his shit together. Then when he finally got his shit together he immediately wanted her back but the grandparents weren't sure he was ready. So they kinda fought over Mary Anne and her dad won. And since her grandparents were kinda douchey, he never let them see her again.
Now her dad is butt hurt because Mary Anne feels incomplete. So he gives her a letter from her mom that he was supposed to give her on her 16th birthday.
Mary Anne's happy but still upset that she's gonna be shipped off to live with her evil grandmother that she doesn't even know.
Her dad explains that her G-Maw doesn't want custody. She just wants Mary Anne to visit.
But what about the social worker?
Well it wasn't a social worker at all. It was just a census taker wanting to know how many people lived in their house! Oh how stupid Mary Anne feels!
But she would like to visit her G-Maw now that she knows she's not an evil old lady that wants to kidnap her.
So Mary Anne heads to Iowa and writes the most boring correspondence EVER. But we wouldn't expect anything less from sad sack Mary Anne!
Say Whaaat!?:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
We'll just give it to Ann M. Martin herself for this racy nugget of inappropriateness:
Logan got the worst of it: his shirt was nearly covered with paint. "This is ridiculous," he said. "Every time I move, I get more paint on me." He unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off.
"Woo!" said Kristy.
What are you Wooing for Kristy? We all know you wish it was Shannon taking off her shirt.
EvilEva reviews...... The Baby-Sitters Club Mystery #11: Claudia and the Mystery of the Museum by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1993.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Huh. Claudia's actually dressed like a semi-normal human being today.
*What is up with that suit of armor? That must have been a very ill-shaped knight. His legs are teeny tiny and his arms nearly reach the floor.
*That security guard doesn't look too concerned with the broken display case. He looks mad because Claudia's outfit isn't nearly "wild" enough.
* The tagline reads:
What kind of crook would steal art?
Um, an art thief?
Let's Review:
Claudia's super excited about the new museum in Stoneybrook! It'll be a great place to take her baby-sitting charges, plus it has some pieces by her fave sculptor, Don Newman.
So Claudia rounds up some art-loving kids and takes them to the museum. While they're there the museum is robbed! Someone steals ancient coins!
Because of her Nancy Drew obsession (my girl!) Claudia thinks she can totes solve this mystery. She starts by looking at museum-goers as suspects. There's a Brownie troupe, a custodian, a few families and a questionable guy with one blue eye and one green eye. Clearly that's the sign of the devil. So this guy must be the culprit.
Claud tells the rest of the BSC about the robbery and how she wants to solve the case.
The BSC puzzles til their puzzlers are sore. When suddenly Mallory has a flash of genius! Whoever stole the coins must have hidden them somewhere in the museum because shortly after the alarm bells went off everyone was patted down. The girls decide to head back to the museum to look for clues. Claudia sees the man with one blue eye and one green eye again! The BSC tails him throughout the museum until he gets annoyed and leaves. The girls think it's very suspicious that this guy got all annoyed that a group of girls were following him around while he tried to enjoy the art. So blue eye/green eye is definitely a suspect.
Claudia goes back to the museum again to see the Don Newman exhibit. Stacey goes with.
While molesting one of Don Newman's sculptures, Claudia gets the feeling that it might be a fake. So she marches to the curator's office to tell him so. The curator thinks Claudia's full of shit but humors her by checking the sculpture. He seems to think it's fine. Claudia doesn't. The curator acts kinda douchey. So now he's bumped blue eye/green eye to suspect #2 and taken his place as suspect numero uno.
And since he was being so douchetastic and Claudia completely doesn't trust him anymore, she swipes one of his resumes which he just so happens to have lying about on his desk.
So the girls hit the library to research the no good curator and find out that there have been multiple robberies at various museums he's worked at.
And Claudia can't get the sculpture out of her head so she dials up information and gets Don Newman's home number. She calls and tells him that she thinks his art may be a fake. Don Newman is the opposite of douchetastic and invites Claudia to a fancy soiree at the museum which he'll also be attending. He tells her they can check on the piece together. Don Newman is being super nice to Claudia. EvilEva wonders if Chris Hanson needs to be summoned.
So Claudia dons a fancy kimono and attends the fancy formal event. She meets up with Don and they go to check out his sculpture. But it's gone! It's been packed up and ready to ship to his next show. So Claud and Don head to the storage room. Before they can get inside a custodian walks up. So they hide. The custodian goes into the storage room, finds the sculpture and pulls the stolen coins from a hidden compartment inside the sculpture and drops them in his mop bucket. Don tackles the custodian and blue eye/green eye tackles Don! Turns out blue eye/green eye is a special agent that deals with art thievery! And the curator was hired for his special robbery-prevention skills! And the custodian was gonna sell the coins to a museum in Switzerland! Who are supposed to be neutral!
But Claudia saved the day! Even though it was by dumb lucky and she originally thought the good guys were the thieves!
Say Whaaat!?:
And most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Claudia, for attempting to describe the reason behind Mary Anne's dad's new laid-backness:
Remember I mentioned that Mary Anne's father had loosened up a little? Well, we think it may have had something to do with the fact that he fell in love again with an old high school girlfriend, and then married her.
It also might be because he's getting laid now on a regular basis.
Oh, and also there's this:
Claudia describes why every other Kishi is a piece of shit:
They also wish I would a) stop eating junk food and b) stop reading Nancy Drew books.
Fuck you, Mr. and Mrs. Kishi.
That's all from Stoneybrook for this month. I can't believe that I only have one more round of super book nostalgia to get through before the year is up. *sigh* But don't worry. I plan on revisiting the BSC in a big way next month! Hint: it'll be Super Special! ;)
Have y'all been desperately missing the antics of Karen Brewer, little sister to the bossiest, least likable member of The Baby-Sitters Club? Yeah me neither. But let's check in with her annoying ass anyway.
EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters Little Sister #1: Karen's Witch by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1988.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
* Karen is wearing a truly fulgy sweater and jeans that look about two sizes too long. Isn't your dad a millionaire? I know he is because it's mention ALL THE TIME in The Baby-Sitters Club series.
* Karen's face kinda looks like that kid's from Jerry Maguire. Also it looks like it may weigh more than 8 pounds.
* She's spying on her neighbor whom she thinks is a witch. But Mrs. Porter is just old. And Karen is just stupid.
* Mrs. Porter's house is fucking sweet! Except for its close proximity to Karen's house. Only drawback.
* The tagline reads:
Is Karen's next-door neighbor a witch?
No, but Karen is an idiot.
Let's Review:
Karen Brewer is a six year old (almost seven year old!) busybody that's always all up in everyone else's Kool-Aid. She's also a close-minded dumbass who thinks her next door neighbor, Mrs. Porter is a witch just because she wears black and has white hair and owns a black cat and an herb garden.
One night after reading witch stories, Karen swears she sees Mrs. Porter, whom she's stupidly dubbed Morbidda Destiny, fly from the second floor window of her house on a broomstick. Karen is, of course, full of doo doo.
So she decides to spy on The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny with her bff, Hannie. The girls overhear The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny talking to herself while gardening. She says something about an "important meeting," and "company coming," and "midnight." So Karen's dumb ass thinks The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny is planning a witches meeting at midnight. Well Karen won't stand for this bullshizz so she and Hannie go and filch some of The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny's herbs from her garden and decide to make up their own spell to ward off the witches so that they can save their neighborhood. Save their neighborhood from what, I don't know.
Anyway, they place the herbs in their pockets and march up to The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny's door. The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny is surprised to see them since I would assume that she hates them and thus never invites them over to her house. But, be that as it may, The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny lets the girls in. Bad move, The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny.
Karen goes into the room where all the "witches" have gathered and she calls them out on their witchy ways and tells them that if they try to ruin her neighborhood then she will fucking bury them. And by fucking bury them she means tattle on them to her super rich daddy. Then Hannie starts crying.
Karen's grandmother, who happens to be friends with The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny, explains to Karen that this isn't a witch meeting, it's a garden club meeting. Grams makes the girls apologize for being so stupid and then escorts them off of the property.
Karen's taken home and forced to explain to her parents that she spied on their neighbor and falsely accused her and all her friends of being evil witches and warlocks. But Karen doesn't get in much trouble cos she was oh so nobly trying to save the neighborhood. From gardeners.
But her parents do make her write an apology letter to The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny. And that's all for her punishment. Even though she totes still thinks The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny is a witch.
So Karen basically learned......... um, nothing.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen, natch. For this:
"Hey!" I exclaimed. "Let's pretend we're witches. Wouldn't that be fun?"
Uh, bitch, this whole time you've been a huge a-hole about Mrs. Porter maybe being a witch and now you wanna pretend to be one?!?!? So I guess the only acceptable way to be a witch is if you're Karen. What a bitch!
EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters Little Sister #3: Karen's Worst Day by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Aw, Boo Boo the cat looks like a neighborhood cat that used to take up residence in our backyard all the time. I mean, except for the Hitler mustache.
* Karen looks so stupid on this cover. She doesn't look like she's upset that Boo Boo tree-ed himself just to get away from her. She looks like someone just beamed her upside the head with a pine cone. Oh how I wish that someone was me.
* Karen has a lot of signatures on her cast. I find it hard to believe that that many people like Karen enough to want to sign her cast. Although, truth be told, I've always wanted to sign someone's cast:
Way to go, dumbass!
Karen's would be the perfect cast to sign that way!
Let's Review:
Karen is having a really bad day. In fact it's her Worst Day EVER! In fact it may be the Worst Day of anyone's life Ever EVER! Karen is in no way overdramatizing the horribleness of this day. I mean, she started the day waking up from a nightmare! Then she realizes that she forgot her new fave jeans with the zippers up the sides at her mom's house!
Then Andrew gets the last of the Crunch-O's cereal and the prize! And even when Elizabeth tries to help make Karen less bitchy by giving her a new box of Crunch-O's, Karen is devastated to find that the prize pack is EMPTY! I mean, who cares that there are starving non-bitchy children in Africa that would totally take that cereal even without a prize.
So Karen decides to turn her day around by watching some hilarious Mr. Ed reruns. But Mr. Ed's timeslot has been hijacked by some "special program." Probably about those hungry African kids. Man, Karen just cannot catch a break.
But it's still early in the morning so maybe Karen can make herself feel better by playing with Shannon the dog. But Shannon, much like myself, can't be bothered with Karen and her dumbassery. So Karen tries to play with Boo Boo the cat instead. But Boo Boo, much like myself, would rather climb a tree than hang out with Karen. Finally Boo Boo jumps down but still has no interest in playing with Karen.
Meanwhile, Morbidda Destiny is busy minding her own business in her own yard and exclaims "fiddlesticks!" Which Karen, being a complete moron, thinks is a curse. So Karen runs inside.
Then Karen's bff Hannie comes over with her brother and asks if Karen and David Michael would like to ride bikes to Harry's Brook to catch minnows and have a picnic.
Well Karen loses her shit and calls Hannie a toad because she so insensitively asked Karen to ride bikes when she knows good and damn well that Karen can't ride a bike on account of her broken arm. Karen storms back into the house while Hannie, her brother and David Michael pedal off to enjoy a Karen-free afternoon.
Kristy doesn't get off so easily. She's forced to play checkers with Satan. I mean, Karen. But Karen gets pissy when Kristy lets her win so she storms off yet again.
Then even more bad shit happens.
Karen's stuffed cat gets ripped, there's no more cherry Italian ice on Mr. Tastee's ice cream truck and Andrew got a package and Karen didn't so she acts like an even bigger d-bag to him since he can totally control when people mail shit to him.
But finally at dinnertime, things start turning around. Karen's family discuss their own horrible days and Karen realizes that as far as bad days go she would hold the record for the most shitious things happening to a person in one day! So Karen is a winner!
Then things get Even Better after dinner cos Charlie and Sam take Karen to go get ice cream. And the ice cream parlor actually has exactly what Karen wants. And Charlie's friends thought Karen was 26 and that she was Charlie's girlfriend which delights Karen to no end because she doesn't understand how you're not supposed to date your stepbrother especially if you're 10 years older than him.
Anyway, they go home and Karen apologizes to all the people who felt her wrath today. And everyone accepts her apology because you don't wanna be on Karen's shit list. The end!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen, for her explanation of why she's going to read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day to her brother Andrew:
"Do you want me to read it to you?" If I read it, you might understand how I felt. And why I yelled at you."
Uh, you yelled at him because you're a jackass that can't be happy for anyone else.
Well y'all, it's official--- No more Karen Brewer in 2011!!! Yay!!! We survived!!! Will we be as lucky in 2012? We'll just have to wait and see. ;)
Readers beware you're in for a scare. Again! Welcome to Part 2 of October's Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge! You know what that means. Time for more R.L. Stine cra-za-zee-ness! So lets get started.
EvilEva reviews...... Halloween Night by R.L. Stine.
Circa: 1993.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*There's an evil jack-o-lantern with a knife stabbed through it and the pumpkin is bleeding. Although for having a debilitating knife wound the pumpkin looks surprisingly upbeat.
*The tagline reads:
Trick or treat... the trick is not to die...
Then what's the treat? Is it the not dying? Or maybe Smarties? Cos I kinda fucking love Smarties!
Lets Review:
Brenda HATES her stupid cousin Halley. Halley's stupid parents are getting a stupid divorce which means that stupid Halley has to stay with Brenda's family while her parents duke it out in the courtroom for custody. Brenda's parents give Halley Brenda's room and banish poor Brenda to the room with the air vent in the floor that makes private conversations impossible. See, when you're in the hallway below Brenda's room, you can hear everything that's being said in Brenda's room. Remember that dastardly air vent cos it'll be important later on.
Brenda's hatred for Halley grows when Halley totally makes out with Brenda's boyfriend's face, in Brenda's car, in Brenda's driveway, right in front of Brenda's window.
Brenda could just KILL Halley. Well, coinky-dinkily enough Brenda's teacher has assigned her and her friends, Traci and Dina, to plot a murder. Like ya do in school. I remember the time my teacher asked me to plot out a murder, don't y'all?
So Brenda thinks it's an excellent idea for them to murder Halley for reals.
Not sure if that'll get them extra credit.
Anyway, Traci thinks murder is, of course, the answer cos that slut bucket Halley was flirting it up with Traci's boyfriend too. Dina isn't completely sold on the idea. As a child of divorce herself, Dina feels bad for Halley and knows what she's going through. Dina thinks just because Halley's a slut it doesn't necessarily mean that she deserves to be stabbed to death whilst in the gorilla suit.
Oh, did I not explain that Brenda's throwing a Halloween party and Halley's going to be wearing a gorilla costume (as all hot girls do) and the girls have concocted this complex as well as idiotic plan to stab her in her gorilla guts and no one will even know she's dead until a puddle of blood starts seeping through the costume onto the floor and it'll take so long for that to happen that no one will even know who did it and the girls will get away with murder?
No? Ok, well they totes concocted that shizz. Anyhoo, then all these horrible pranks are played on Brenda. Like someone writes an ominous message in blood on her wall. And a bird minus it's head is left inside a carved pumpkin in Brenda's room. And raw meat complete with maggots is placed under Brenda's sheets. Of course Brenda thinks Halley's behind all this shizz. So the plan to kill Halley's ass is so on like Donkey Kong now.
Until Halley hears the absurd murder plot. You remember that air vent I told you about? The one that makes it impossible to discuss revenge in private? Well the girls talk about the plan and conveniently enough, Halley's in the hallway below Brenda's room at the time and hears the whole thing. And she confronts Brenda. They talk it out and have a real touching moment. Until Brenda decides that she still has to go through with it.
So it's Halloween night. Party time! And the plan, unbeknownst to Halley, is still gonna go down. Dina has bowed out but Traci is still a go. Then there's costume switching for some stupid reason. And then the gorilla is stabbed and a puddle forms on the floor and the gorilla head is taken off and it's..... Brenda!
I know, WHAT?!?!
So here's the deal, this whole murder was a set up. Brenda realized that it wasn't Halley committing the mean pranks, it was Dina with help from her job at the vet's office. See, Dina wanted to kill Brenda cos she was such an insensitive, uncaring bitch that vanished when Dina's parents were getting a divorce and fighting over her. Instead of being a friend and being there for Dina, Brenda just left her ass hanging and became friends with her again after her parents divorce hoopla was sorted out. So Brenda created this elaborate, stupid ruse to draw Dina out or some shit.
She sewed extra padding into the gorilla suit so when Dina went to stab her all she got was stuffing. And the puddle of blood was fake, bought from a party store. Maybe just call the police on the homicidal maniac next time.
Anyhoots, so Brenda and Halley became friends. And Brenda learns to be compassionate when someone's going through a divorce. And Dina "gets the help she needs." Which I'm assuming doesn't go all that well considering there's a Halloween Night 2.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Brenda's mom, for kinda being a bitch to Brenda after she accuses Halley of putting a dead bird in her pumpkin (And I don't mean that sexually. If that could even be interpreted as sexual.):
"Brenda, I expected so much more of you," her mother said through clenched teeth. "Halley is going through such a tough time. I can't believe your attitude toward her. It's sick, Brenda. It's really sick."
No, you know what's sick? Leaving a dead bird inside someone's bedroom in a pumpkin with a lit candle. That's sick. Can you imagine how shitious that smells? Halley's just dealing with her parents divorce. Brenda is dealing with rotten dead bird stink in the place in which she rests her head. Febreze doesn't even make a scent that would cover that shit up.
EvilEva reviews...... College Weekend by R.L. Stine.
Circa: 1995.
Dissecting The Cover:
* Tina looks like a frightened white woman waiting for a bus in Compton. Relax, lady. Given the outfit you are currently wearing, I don't think mugging you would be on anyone's to do list.
*Ooh, look, y'all! It's a menacing figure in the background. There's something very Reverend Camden from 7th Heaven about him.
Lets Review:
Tina can't wait to spend the weekend with her boyfriend at his college. But her buzzkill parents send her cousin Holly along with her to squash any sexytimes between Tina and her bf, Josh.
When Tina and Holly arrive at the train station, Josh is nowhere to be found. Tina is concerned and almost accosted until Josh's roommate, Chris, shows up, saving the day. He explains that Josh went on some geology nerd hike with his friend Steve and they had car trouble. They won't be back for awhile so lets party!
The girls meet Steve's girlfriend, Carla, who kinda tries to set Tina up with Chris as if she doesn't understand the reason Tina is here this weekend is to see her actual boyfriend, Josh. So Tina definitely finds that odd. But then Carla explains that Chris' girlfriend died in a horrible boat accident. Which is terrible but it doesn't make Tina single.
Anyhoo, so Chris convinces the girls to go to a party to pass the time. and then he totally kisses Tina! And she kinda likes it! And then Carla catches them! And then Tina feels guilty and starts remembering to miss Josh again! And then Holly goes missing! But Carla tells Tina that Holly went with a former Shadyside student named Alyssa to check out the drama department. So Chris takes Tina back to the dorms to wait on Josh and now Holly. But Holly's still missing in the morning. Chris assures Tina that the drama kids are weird and sometimes sleep in the drama department. So they go to the dressing rooms to find Holly but she's not there. So they go to the school carnival. Cos when your cousin's missing at a time when cellphones aren't popular yet, you just assume the best and go have fun at a carnival in the meantime.
So that's just what Tina does. Meanwhile, Carla decides to go to the mountain and pick up the boys.
Tina has a grand ole time with Chris on the Ferris wheel. Until he starts losing his fucking mind and starts rocking the car and insisting that she's a tease. Finally the godforsaken ride ends and when on solid ground Chris is apologetic and normal again. Tina's kinda scared of Chris but then she thinks of his dead girlfriend and how he's probably a little fucked up about it so she forgives him for nearly killing her.
When Chris suggests that he can take Tina to his photography studio so she can get her model on to kill time until Carla's back with the boys, Tina agrees to go with him. Because she's a fucking idiot.
When they get to the studio, surprise surprise, things start getting weird. Chris forbids Tina from going in one of the rooms. He has a bunch of women's clothes, all in only one size. And when he starts photographing Tina he gets super intense and calls her Judy.
Yeah, turns out Chris is off his fucking rocker. Judy is the name of his dead girlfriend. And all the clothes that Tina has been trying on all belonged to Judy. So she's been wearing dead girl clothes! Ick! But that's not the worst part. The worst part is that Judy didn't just die. She was murdered! By Chris! And now he wants to kill Tina too!
So Tina is chased into the darkroom where Chris locks her in. And she discovers that Judy isn't the only one Chris killed. He killed Josh too! With photo chemicals! And then shoved him in a cabinet! And lied to Tina about Josh's whereabouts! Because he's fucking crazy!
Since Tina's being a bad Judy, Chris has to punish her. So he lets her out of the darkroom and Tina actually does something worth a shit. She hits Chris upside the head with a tripod, knocking him out.
Tina starts to haul ass outta there but hears a noise coming from the room she was forbade from entering. She opens the door and discovers that Chris had Holly tied up in there! So Tina unties Holly and they try to get outta the studio. But everyone knows you can't keep a good psycho down, so of course Chris regains consciousness and goes after them with a pair of scissors!
Then Carla and Steve show up and it seems like Tina and Holly are saved! But they're not. Cos it seems like Carla and Steve are actually working with Chris! But they're not. They were just going along with his crazy shizznat so that Carla could get the scissors away from him so Steve could tackle him to the ground.
Chris told Carla that Josh was seeing another girl so that's why she was trying to push Chris and Tina together cos she thought Josh was a cheating wad and Tina deserved better. Which, when you think about it, it's really none of Carla's bidness if Josh was cheating or not. And it's not her place to try to set up this girl she just met with some maniac that killed his ex just because she thinks the girl is being cheated on.
Anyhoo, Carla talked to Steve who set her straight about how Josh wasn't in fact cheating and really loved Tina and was excited for their weekend together and that's why he bowed out of the camping trip. Well thanks for that depressing update, Carla. As well as, mind your own fucking business from now on!
Anyhoozies, when Carla called Steve they quickly realized that Chris was suffering from Judy depression so they booked it over to the studio to save Tina and Holly. And Tina is totes grateful. Even though it's kinda Carla's fault to begin with for being a total Elizabeth Wakefield-sized meddler.
So, in short, during this totally amazing weekend Tina lost her boyfriend, her ambitions to become a model and the desire to set foot on this campus again. Which is a bummer cos I'm pretty sure it was her top choice. What a downer.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Tina, for being surprised that her boyfriend neglected to mention how hot his roommate is:
Josh had told her that Chris had tons of money. But Josh had never told her how handsome Chris was.
I'd really like to hear that phone convo between a bf and his gf. I think it'd go a little something like this:
I can't wait for you to visit. I'm really excited that you're finally gonna meet my roommate. His parents are loaded so he's got a really nice high tech computer. He's also got these incredible blue eyes! When you gaze into them it's like staring at the ocean. *sigh*
Frankly I would be a little concerned if my boyfriend told he how handsome he thought his roommate was. Anybody else?
And Now For Something Truly Frightening:
Check out this description of that hot toddy Chris:
Chris removed the rubber band from his ponytail. His hair fell down his neck. He shook it out.
Ewwwwwww!!! That is the scariest thing I've ever read. *shivers with disgust*
Well that's all the nostalgia you could shake a fist at this month! Come back next month for more. But, I mean, come back before next month too. I'll still be blogging and reviewing and acting a fool!
It's October, y'all! And what better way to get Halloween time nostalgic than by reading some good ole R.L. Stine?!
EvilEva reviews...... The Babysitter by R.L. Stine.
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
* The babysitter is either super freaked out or really cold. Although I don't know how she could possibly be cold in that thick, bitchin' sweater!
* Look to the left, kids. Before the earth was inherited by the cellphone, there were things called "landlines." They had cords. It was CRAZY!
* Who's she babysitting for? The Tchotchkes? Holy balls that's a lot of knick knacks!
* The tagline reads:
Every step she takes, he'll be watching.
Is it Sting? Is Sting her stalker? Or is it Diddy? Is this the remix?
Lets Review:
After saving a wayward child from the dangers of a mall fountain, Jenny lands a babysitting gig for Thursdays and Saturdays.
Forget that these people are complete strangers, they live out in the woods where no one can hear you scream and the fact that there's been a rash of babysitter hate crimes in the community lately--- Jenny needs money for Christmas (even though she only has her mother and one friend and I'm sure they'd understand if she didn't get them anything if it meant that she didn't end up in a rock quarry somewhere.)
But Jenny happily accepts the job cos little Donny has some exquisite blond hair. Who cares if the papers say there's some kook out there specifically targeting babysitters? Who cares if Donny's dad, Mr. Hagen, seems to have a few screws loose? And who cares that Jenny has an over-active imagination, seeing a man's silhouette when it's so clearly just a fucking rock! She's gonna babysit the shit outta this gloriously coiffed child, babysitter stalker be damned!
But then the phone calls start. Some perv asks Jenny if she's all alone and then assures her that "company's coming." Well Jenny is understandably freaked and also too stupid to call the police.
Then she meets the Suspicious Neighbor With A Scooby-Doo Villians Name, Willers, sneaking around the Hagens property. And still she's too much of an idiot to call the police or at the very least tell the Hagens that some weirdo is wandering around their yard late at night.
Then she kinda falls for Chuck, the new boy in school who loves goofing off and telling lame jokes. But she's apprehensive about falling for him cos there's a slim chance that he's the cray cray caller.
The more time Jenny spends in the old house, the more freaked out she becomes. The phone calls continue. Jenny hears strange noises. And she finds a picture of a baby girl that looks just like Donny! Jenny just assumes that Donny had a sister and she must have died. You know, because he couldn't just have like a cousin that looked similar and is just maybe off in another state somewhere, completely alive and looking vaguely like Donny. Nope. Jenny's first thought is "awww. dead baby."
Anyhoo, after becoming suspicious of a car near the driveway, Mr. Hagen tells Jenny that they'd prefer she not have any friends over--- even though they live on the outskirts of town and she's there all by herself save for the 6 year old whose life she's in charge of and there's some crazy babysitter hater apparently roaming the streets.
Jenny and Chuck get closer so she invites him and her bestie, Laura, over to the Hagens one night to study. Because Jenny doesn't know how to follow instructions.
Well Chuck and Laura come over, along with Laura's fuck buddy Eugene and whattayaknow, they all forgot to bring their books! Guess studying is outta the question. Lets makeout instead! So Laura and Eugene go to another room, leaving Chuck to get a little under the sweater action with Jenny.
But oh noes! The Hagens come home to this teens-in-separate-rooms-orgy! And Mr. Hagen proceeds to lose his fucking shit. He dismisses Chuck and the fuck buddies but Jenny has to stay behind to get a stern talking to about her irresponsible, slutty ways.
Mr. Hagen is gonna drive Jenny home but first he needs to calm his ass down. Jenny goes to get her jacket out of the Hagens bedroom closet (I don't know why you would hang someone's jacket up in your own closet. I mean, I know they said the hall closet wouldn't open but still. It's not like Jenny was wearing mink. It was just a stupid down jacket. Couldn't she have just thrown it over the arm of the couch?)
While rifling through the Hagens closet, Jenny accidentally knocks down a shoebox filled with newspaper clippings, all with headlines about the babysitter hater. It's at this point, when a box of evidence literally falls at her feet that Jenny realizes the scary phone calls weren't from Chuck or from Willers or from...... Red Herring! Mr. Hagen is the crackpot! And he's standing behind her, ready to take her home! Jenny thinks she'll play it smart by being stupid and pretending she didn't see the clippings and accepting the ride from the guy that pounds on the faces of babysitters. In other words, another smart decision on Jenny's part.
So since Jenny got in the car knowing Mr. Hagen was completely crazycakes, it should come as no surprise when instead of driving her home he drives her even further nowhere to a rock quarry. And he wants to shove her into said rock quarry until she's dead.
Then who should show up but Willers! Turns out he's with the "town police" (whatever the fuck that is.) He was assigned to the Case of the Babysitter Hater and had been staking out the Hagens house. He had a feeling that Mr. Hagen beat the shizz out of babysitters in his freetime (and instead of just telling Jenny to find another profession he just let her ass continue babysitting for a babysitter hater even though it put her in serious danger. So... way to go, town police.)
Anyhoo, so Jenny's on the edge of the quarry, Mr. Hagen wants to push her in, Willers walks up with a gun but Mr. Hagen's too cray to care, he rushes towards Jenny, she moves, his ass falls in the quarry, apparently the "town police" don't believe in checking bodies so Willers and Jenny just assume Mr. Hagen's dead, Willers drives Jenny home and tells her that Mr. Hagen did have a baby girl that died mysteriously and he blamed the babysitter which apparently made him loathe every babysitter that ever sat.
So Jenny didn't die. Chuck wants to be inside her lady parts. Donny and his beautiful tresses are now fatherless. Mr. Hagen is probably dead. And Jenny's mom is an insensitive bitch that tells Jenny, pretty much right when she gets home from her harrowing night of Not Dying, that some woman down the block called and wanted to know if Jenny could babysit her twins next week.
What a bitch! I think someone else should've been thrown in that quarry!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
I would give this award to Jenny's mom for that last bit of ridiculous bullshit but since I already mentioned it, I think I'm gonna have to give it to Jenny, for being fairly fucking dumb her damn self:
Whoever was out there pounded again, three hard raps, then three more.
It sounded like a burglar, Jenny thought.
I'm pretty sure that when someone's burgled, the person doing the burgling isn't polite enough to knock on the door first to announce that they're about to rob your ass.
EvilEva reviews...... Switched by R.L. Stine.
Circa: 1995.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Wow, this cover looks super 90stastic! Look, the girls are wearing vesty shirts! They look like white, non-twin versions of Tia and Tamera! And that one chick is wearing a motherfucking scrunchie! And there are a variety of lightning bolts about! I don't know why since there was never a storm in this book but whatever cos I guess lightning bolts make everything look much cooler.
Lets Review:
Nicole's life totally sucks donkey balls. Her parents are all up in her grill, her boyfriend just dumped her and if she doesn't make up a biology paper that she "didn't feel like doing" over the weekend then she won't be able to graduate! Ugh! Such problems! It's like she's a teenager or something.
But what luck! Nicole's BFF, Lucy has a shitty life as a teenager too. But she's got a solution to their problems. They'll switch bodies! By jumping off a magical wall in the woods! Nicole thinks this is an excellent idea because Nicole has never heard an actual excellent idea before.
The girls find the magical Freaky Friday wall and holding hands, jump off of it. When they land on the other side, they've switched bodies! Nicole looks like Lucy and Lucy looks like Nicole! And I'm confused not only because the premise of this switcheroo is extraordinarily stupid but because if you had a shitty life why would you wanna switch bodies, and therefore lives, with someone whose life is equally as shitty as yours? Wouldn't you wanna trade with someone that has an awesome life? Like Jennifer Aniston? Or Oprah? Perhaps I'm giving too much thought to this one little detail considering they switched bodies by JUMPING OFF A FUCKING WALL !
Anyhoo, back to this ridiculous shizz. So Nicole goes to Lucy's house, ready to enjoy a slightly less sucky life than the one she woke up with. But when Nicole opens the front door she discovers Lucy's parents dead! She starts freaking the fuck out because now she's got to tell her bestie that her parents have been murdered. Oh and also that they need to switch bodies back posthaste cos even though Nicole's life is a vast wasteland of suck, she so doesn't wanna deal with someone else's murdered parents.
I feel like this would be my luck. I switch my shit life with someone on the day that their parents are brutally murdered and now I've got to deal with it. Typical.
Anyhoozle, so Nicole goes to her own house where she hopes to find Lucy but no one's home.
This would also be my luck. I would be dealing with dead parent trauma while my bestie was out in my body with my parents at the Red Lobster having a real fanfuckingtastic time. So typical.
And btw, lets not even bother calling the cops and reporting this horrible crime. No, lets find our friend first. That seems like the logical thing to do. Stupid Nicole. Anyway, so Stupid Nicole tries Lucy's boyfriend, Kent's house. Lucy isn't there either. Nicole breaks down and tells Kent all about the body switching and the magical wall and Lucy's dead parents even though she and Lucy agreed not to tell anyone about the switch. So way to go, Nicole.
Kent, bee tee dubs, takes all this craziness extremely well. Like, too well. Like switching bodies by jumping off a fucking wall isn't out of the realm of possibility well. Kent tries to calm Nicole down by getting her some water but he's really calling the police! Nicole high tails it outta there. She goes back to Lucy's house to get some "fresh clothes" and to "fix her hair," like ya do after you've switched bodies with someone and you've just discovered their parents lying in a pool of blood. So Nicole goes to Lucy's room and finds that all her clothes are missing. Which is totes weird, no? No. It's becoming very clear that Lucy set your dumbass up. Could you come to that conclusion already, Nicole!
Nicole finds a knife sticking up from Lucy's desk and there's a note under it! It reads:
I had to kill them.
I couldn't take it anymore.
Lucy K.
It's at this point that Nicole really starts freaking out because now she realizes that Lucy set her up to take the fall for the murder of her parents. Nicole sees that there are two police officers at the door. Uh oh. This doesn't look good for her. So she hauls ass outta there. She goes to get her own car from the school parking lot so that she can cruise around searching for Lucy while also avoiding arrest. She decides to check the mall. Well that makes sense cos if she doesn't find Lucy there at least it won't be a total wash cos she could totes find some super cute jeans and treat herself to an Orange Julius!
But what luck! She sees Lucy hanging out at a pizza parlor with their mutual friends, Margie and Hannah. Nicole barges in to give Lucy the ole whatfor but when she reaches their table, Lucy is gone! And Margie and Hannah called Nicole by her own name instead of Lucy's! So Lucy must have filled them in about the body-switching! Nicole promptly loses her shit. She leaves the mall and returns to Kent's house cos that worked out so well the first time.
When she gets there, Kent's body is splayed on the floor and his head has been cut clean off.
So Nicole books it back to the Changing Wall and tries to do a reverse switcheroo by jumping off the wall while holding a picture of Lucy. Shocker it doesn't work. So Nicole decides to go to school to talk to Margie and Hannah. Again, cos that worked out so well for her the first time. But this time she's gonna demand they tell her where Lucy's hiding.
When she gets to the school, there are police guarding the entrances. So Nicole sneaks in and hides in a closet in the girl's locker room, waiting for Margie. Well Nicole goes complete crazyballs on Margie. So Margie tries to talk Nicole down from her obvious break with reality. Then someone comes in the locker room so Nicole hides again and when she comes out she finds Margie on the floor with her head bashed in. Nicole thinks Lucy is killing off all the people that know the switcheroo secret.
So Nicole heads for Lucy's grandmother's house. At this point I don't know if she's trying to avoid Lucy or trying to find her. Anyhoots, when Nicole gets there Grandma calls the cops on her ass too! So Nicole hides in the barn where she finds Lucy! Lucy runs off and Nicole chases after her. I don't know why you'd be chasing after the crazy bitch that's just killed four people but then I don't think Nicole is what you would call a "smart person."
Lucy runs to an old well and jumps in. So, of course, Nicole follows her. But before she can get to Lucy someone grabs her from behind. It's *gasp* Kent! He's alive! Or maybe a zombie. That would be cooler. I'm hoping he kills Nicole and starts eating her flesh. But he doesn't. Nicole wants to go save Lucy from the well but Kent tells her to just let Lucy drown. Then suddenly Lucy's no longer in the well. She's right next to Kent and she rips his head clear off his body. Then the two police officers grab Nicole. Then another car drives up and inside it are Nicole's parents, Lucy's parents and *the gasps continue* Kent! And they're all alive! For reals this time! And the police officers aren't actually police officers! They work at a mental health facility! Cos it turns out that Nicole is a total crazycake! It also turns out that Lucy died in a car accident three years ago! And all this crazy bullshizz has been in Nicole's head cos Lucy's death totes fucked her up!
So no one was murdered. There's no Changing Wall. No one switched bodies. It was all just in Nicole's head. Like St. Elsewhere. So.... thanks for wasting my time, Nicole.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Nicole, for why her dumbass parents wouldn't "get" how she switched bodies with her BFF:
My parents are practical, common-sense type people. They're very smart, but they don't have great imaginations.
No offense, girl, but I think you'd have a hard time finding anyone to believe that you switched bodies with your friend by jumping off a fucking wall. I don't think it's your non-imaginative parents with the problem. Sorry, hon.
Part 2 will be coming soon! Until then please comment away if you've got something to say! I'll start you off with this topic: if you could switch bodies with anyone simply by jumping off a fucking wall, who would you wanna switch with? Discuss amongst yourselves.
Well y'all it's time for more gigundoly shitty reading. You know what that means. More of that controlling bitch Karen Brewer. Lets see if we can stand her for two whole books.
EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters: Little Sister #101: Karen's Chain Letter by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1998.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*OMG Karen has a fucking side-ponytail! Bitch, this is circa: 1998, what are you doing still wearing a side-pony?!
*Karen, ditch the Sally Jesse glasses already.
*I know they have schools for the blind but do they also have special schools for the really, really near-sighted? Why is everyone wearing glasses?
*The boy on the cover, who I can only assume is that nub Ricky Torres, looks way overeager. he looks like he may have just jizzed his pants in delight.
Lets Review:
Karen has a new hobby. Stamp collecting! And she is gigundoly excited about it even though it sounds like about the dullest thing EVER. But Karen wishes she could get even more stamps so she almost shits her pants with joy when she gets a chain letter because Karen is an idiot! This chain letter promises good luck and postcards.
So Karen gets super excited about this chain letter business. That is, until her dad completely shatters all of her stamp collecting dreams by shutting down her idea because it's too "dangerous" to willingly send "complete strangers" your home address especially when you're a "minor."
Well Karen won't let a little thing like her dad telling her no stop her. She decides to put her name along with the address of... her school on the chain letter. Cos Karen's a thinker, y'all.
While Karen waits for her postcards to come pouring in, she proudly shows off her stamp collection to anyone that'll look at it. Suddenly stamp collecting fever hits Ms. Colman's second grade class much like the Beanie Baby craze of yesteryear.
Karen finally starts getting a butt ton of postcards (and even better--- stamps!) Her chain letter is finally paying off! Which means now all of her classmates wanna get in on it too. But Ms. Colman isn't happy. She doesn't wanna be Karen's personal postal worker and is pissed that her class is interrupted every time Karen gets mail. So Ms. Colman calls Karen's dad and she gets in big fat trouble cos she lied when she told Ms. Colman that using the school's address was her father's idea.
So now whenever Karen receives a postcard she has to share the stamps with her loser classmates. Even worse than having to--- Eww!---share, the other kids were smart enough to print their own addresses on the chain letter so they get the stamps from their postcards and half of Karen's! Boo and bullfrogs, it's so unfair!
So Karen acts like a brat cos stamp collecting was her idea first and now because Ms. Colman is such a ginormous bitch, Karen's collection is gonna be the shittiest in the class. All seems lost, but then Ricky actually reads his postcard and the class finds out that these children that have been writing to their selfish asses were actually waiting for a response. So then Karen comes up with the idea of starting their own class website so that they might correspond with these kids more expediently than with snail-mail. So Ms. Colman agrees to start a website cos you don't wanna be on Karen's shitlist too long and everything ends the way it's supposed to--- Karen's way.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a tie! First we congratulate Karen's dad for this nugget:
"First of all," said Daddy, "it is against the law to send some chain letters through the mail. The post office keeps track of these things. If you send a chain letter that tells people to send money, you can be arrested."
What!?! I'm pretty sure you'll only get arrested if your chain letter is laced with anthrax. But thanks for the scare tactic, Mr. Brewer (and subsequently Ann M. Martin.)And second we have to give it to Karen for her unflagging self importance:
One thing surprised me. None of the messages mentioned me specifically.
Bitch, who the fuck do you think you are?
EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters: Little Sister #107: Karen's Copycat by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1999.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Karen looks especially douche-y on this cover. She's got her lower lip poked out, pouting like a baby over some flacid penis.
*Meanwhile the chick next to Karen, well her penis has a total hard on.
*Bitch, it is 1999. You are on the cusp of the new millennium, what is with the fucking side-ponytail?
*The tagline reads:
Karen knows it's wrong but...
...she really wants Patrick Swayze's ghost to help her not suck at pottery.
Lets Review:
Karen and Andrew have a new nanny! Her name is Merry and she is gigundoly awesome! Merry is also a potter and since she has no other choice, she lets Karen and Andrew join her class. Karen assumes that she's gonna be the best damn potter that ever lived cos she's that delusional. But when she starts class she soon realizes that pottery is harder than she thought. Even worse, there's a girl named Isabel who is the dopest potter in the land.
Well this simply cannot be. Someone is better than Karen at something? Preposterous!
So Karen decides to steal one of Isabel's exquisitely coiled vases and claim it as her own. But Karen starts developing stealers remorse (which is like buyers remorse but for thieves.)
So Karen thinks about confessing until she learns that Isabel is absent the day they decorate the pottery. So Karen will make the vase unrecognizable to Isabel by adding triangles and squiggly lines. Karen thinks she's the criminal mastermind of the pottery world. But slow your roll Karen cos at the next class Isabel it back! And she totes notices that the vase is hers even through Karen's subpar squiggles.
Well Isabel won't stand for this big steaming pile of bullshit. She totally calls Karen out in front of the whole class! Karen thinks there's no way Isabel can prove that Karen's a big fat lying liar that lies (and steals!) But Isabel can prove it cos she's a lefty which means she coils counterclockwise as opposed to all the righties in class that coil clockwise. So suck on that, Karen!
Merry looks over "Karen's vase" and discovers counterclockwise coils. She is disappointed that she's the nanny of a liar and a thief. Karen gets in trouble for being such a horrible human being. Merry makes her push the chairs in after class and apologize to Isabel for totes ripping off her work. Which is getting off pretty easy if you ask me. Merry even tells Karen that she doesn't have to tell her parents specifically why she's in trouble, just that she got in trouble in class. So Karen feels all contrite and shit so she's then rewarded with a special pottery class just for her and her friends. And they even get to use the pottery wheel which Isabel never got to use!
Look I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't fuck with Karen Brewer. Somehow she always gets her way. Even if she has to be a complete menace to do it.
In fact, I'm really sticking my neck out here for you guys, making fun of Karen like this.
If my posts suddenly stop--- y'all know who will be responsible. :)
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen, for her reasoning on why certain rules don't apply to her:
Perhaps complaining about copying was not the smartest thing to do. After all, I had been copying Isabel. But that was different somehow. (I was not sure exactly how, but it did feel different to me.)
You're not exactly sure how it's different because it's NOT different, you hypocritical wad! Instead of Karen's Copycat, this book should have been called Karen's A Stupid Bitch That Thinks Copying Is Only OK When She Does It. Although I guess that's kinda long for a book title.
You're in luck (and so am I) cos we're done with Karen for awhile.
Coming in October: more R.L. Stine Fear Street nostalgic goodness!
It's time for more super nostalgic fun! So lets BSC it up with some reviews of our junior officers Jessi and Mallory! (Or in Ann M. Martin speak, the black one and the redhead.)
EvilEva reviews...... The Baby-Sitters Club #27: Jessi and the Superbrat by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Jessi is wearing some truly fulgy pants. She looks like her legs are covered in postcards. Maybe Claudia made them for her and she just feels obligated to wear them.
*Wow. The kids on this cover are REALLY ugly. They look like disgruntled members of the Lollipop Guild. The kid in the brown shirt (who I'm guessing is famous child star Derek Masters) looks super pissed. Perhaps one of the Pike triplets made fun of his shuttlecock. Badminton joke!
Lets Review:
I don't know if you guys know this or not but there's this super awesome TV show called P.S. 162 and the star of it hails from right here in Stoneybrook! And he's back! And he needs a babysitter! And Jessi is the lucky BSC member that gets to sit for the Derek Masters! And Jessi is so excited to babysit an honest to goodness star!
She wants to know all about Hollywood and what it's like being on TV and working with that dreamboat Lamont. But Derek doesn't wanna talk about any of that shizz. He just wants to be a real boy. But people won't stop hounding him about his child stardom. I mean, is this the BSC or TMZ? Calm it down, ladies!
And to add to Derek's 99 problems and a bitch ain't one, there's some DoucheMagoo at school named John that is totes harshin' on Derek, knocking his books out of his hand and tying his shoelaces together so that he trips.
Well the Baby-Sitters Club is, of course, here to help even though they don't actually do anything except Claudia invites a gaggle of boys from the playground over to Derek's house one day to play. So Derek starts making friends. Hooray! But then he gets offered a role in a movie and it's "Fuck you very much Stoneybrook" and Derek prepares to head back to L.A.
Aw, everyone is sad so they decide to throw Derek a goodbye party/pancake breakfast! Meanwhile in Subplottia, Jessi decides to try out for a super professional version of Swan Lake. She's totes nervous about it and doesn't know if she's good enough to be a background dancer that no one will probably even look at anyway. So in the meantime she'll follow sage advice given to her by an 8 year old. Derek suggests to Jessi that she take up modeling and acting. She can start out doing local commercials and print work and then work her way up to having her own TV series. Because it's just that easy! That's why there are so few actor/waiters in L.A. because anyone with a dream and an iota of determination mixed with a splash of nothing better to do can make it big!
So Jessi gets so wrapped up in writing down agents phone numbers on index cards that she completely forgets to be nervous about her Swan Lake auditions. So you can imagine her surprise when she gets a call saying she's going to be a swan maiden! Yay! Now she doesn't need these stupid notecards anymore cos it turns out she wasn't really interested in being a model/actress. She was just stressed about making it into the corps. So instead of just chilling the fuck out, Jessi would rather flush her life's work down the commode because of frazzled nerves.
Oh and bee tee dubs, when Jessi went to tell Derek goodbye, he admitted there was never a John. He just made it up. He was the one being a dick to people, knocking their books down and tying their laces together. He was being a "superbrat" to make friends.
Word of advice, Derek. People, in general, don't really wanna be friends with a-holes. So you might wanna work on that.
But alls well that ends well and Derek and Jessi have a great big donkey laugh at the fact that Derek wasn't being bullied--- he was the bully! Isn't that a hoot! (I wish my computer had a sarcasm font.)
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Jessi, for describing the reason Becca might be yelling for everyone's attention so loudly and so persistently:
B. Enemy soldiers had trooped into our yard, aimed their guns through the front window, and opened fire.
The B. is there because this was multiple choice. A. was the house being on fire and C. was an alien invasion. The actual reason Becca was screaming and acting a fool was because P.S. 162 was about to start and that Lamont is so fucking hot!
My very first thought though was: Damn. How small-minded is Stoneybrook that Jessi immediately goes to snipers descending on their home when she hears her sister screaming.
P.S. Because of the title of this book, the entire time I was reading it I couldn't get the theme song to Josie and the Pussycats outta my head. But instead of Josie it was "Je-sssi and the Su-per brats!"
EvilEva reviews...... The Baby-Sitters Club #29: Mallory and the Mystery Diary by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Mallory is wearing an Aztec Bill Cosby sweater. And it's really ugly.
*Ooooh! Mallory has a boy in her room! But...... he's like 8 years old. So..... eww, Mallory.
*Of course there's a horse portrait above Mallory's bed. Which begs the question: Will Mallory ever get laid? That would've made an awesome tagline.
Lets Review:
Stacey's back, y'all! Hooray, huzzah and all that shizz! And she's moved into a super old house with her mom (cos her parent's are divorced now, natch.) But this isn't a Stacey story, this is a Mallory story.
Mallory takes over a casserole and ends up helping Stace and Claudia lug empty boxes to the attic. But there's a payoff to this good deed cos Mallory finds a dusty old trunk! Since Mallory so clearly wants to have this trunk's baby, Stacey tells her she can keep it. So Mallory enlists the help of her 82 brothers and sisters to haul the trunk to the Pike house. The trunk is really heavy so there might be something in it. But, shit!, the trunk is locked.
Mal doesn't wanna ruin the dusty old exterior but eventually she sees no other way of opening it except letting the Pike triplets go at it with a hammer. They finally get the thing open and discover a bunch of dusty old clothes and also a diary!
Mallory reads the diary cos she has no sense of personal boundaries and discovers that it belonged to a girl named Sophie who lived 100 years ago. And there's a mystery! Sophie's mother died and a painting of her went missing and Sophie's horrible grandfather said Sophie's dad was surely the culprit and got her dad blackballed around town. But according to Sophie's diary, her father didn't take the painting and Sophie was hellbent on proving his innocence. But the diary ends and Mallory doesn't know if the mystery was solved. So she decides that she'll solve it herself!
Meanwhile in Subplotville, Buddy Barrett can't read for shit and his mom is waaaay to busy to help him so Mallory offers her assistance. She brings him comics and Encyclopedia Browns. Then, because he liked the Encyclopedia mysteries so much, Mal lets him read Sophie's diary because in order to solve this mystery what we really need is an 8 year olds insight.
Mallory also shows Buddy the trunk and Buddy finds a hidden compartment with a confession letter from Sophie's grandfather stating that Sophie's father didn't steal the painting, her grandfather was so butthurt over Sophie's mother's death that he had someone paint ships over his own daughter's face. Cos that's how people grieve, y'all.
So Buddy and Mal go to Stacey's house to see if the painting might be in her attic and whattayaknow, it is!
So the lame mystery is solved and Buddy can read better now cos someone took the time to help him. Novel concept, I know. Also the fact that I just used the word novel while writing about a kid that has trouble reading is not lost on me.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Mary Anne and Dawn for being entirely too excited about perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever heard:
"An anniversary!" I exclaimed. "What kind of anniversary?"
"They're celebrating because this is the twenty-fifth date they've been on," replied Dawn.
I'm sorry, what?!?! What adult people A. count the number of dates they've been on together and 2. think to themselves "when we get to 25 we really should celebrate." However, I suppose that after 25 dates, Dawn's mother should just be thankful she's not locked in the basement with only a lotion basket to keep her company.
