Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 9 Part 2 Reviews

Well y'all it's time for more gigundoly shitty reading. You know what that means. More of that controlling bitch Karen Brewer. Lets see if we can stand her for two whole books.

EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters: Little Sister #101: Karen's Chain Letter by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1998.

Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*OMG Karen has a fucking side-ponytail! Bitch, this is circa: 1998, what are you doing still wearing a side-pony?!
*Karen, ditch the Sally Jesse glasses already. 
*I know they have schools for the blind but do they also have special schools for the really, really near-sighted? Why is everyone wearing glasses?
*The boy on the cover, who I can only assume is that nub Ricky Torres, looks way overeager. he looks like he may have just jizzed his pants in delight. 

Lets Review:
Karen has a new hobby. Stamp collecting! And she is gigundoly excited about it even though it sounds like about the dullest thing EVER. But Karen wishes she could get even more stamps so she almost shits her pants with joy when she gets a chain letter because Karen is an idiot! This chain letter promises good luck and postcards.
So Karen gets super excited about this chain letter business. That is, until her dad completely shatters all of her stamp collecting dreams by shutting down her idea because it's too "dangerous" to willingly send "complete strangers" your home address especially when you're a "minor."
Well Karen won't let a little thing like her dad telling her no stop her. She decides to put her name along with the address of... her school on the chain letter. Cos Karen's a thinker, y'all.
While Karen waits for her postcards to come pouring in, she proudly shows off her stamp collection to anyone that'll look at it. Suddenly stamp collecting fever hits Ms. Colman's second grade class much like the Beanie Baby craze of yesteryear. 
Karen finally starts getting a butt ton of postcards (and even better--- stamps!) Her chain letter is finally paying off! Which means now all of her classmates wanna get in on it too. But Ms. Colman isn't happy. She doesn't wanna be Karen's personal postal worker and is pissed that her class is interrupted every time Karen gets mail. So Ms. Colman calls Karen's dad and she gets in big fat trouble cos she lied when she told Ms. Colman that using the school's address was her father's idea.
So now whenever Karen receives a postcard she has to share the stamps with her loser classmates. Even worse than having to--- Eww!---share, the other kids were smart enough to print their own addresses on the chain letter so they get the stamps from their postcards  and half of Karen's! Boo and bullfrogs, it's so unfair! 
So Karen acts like a brat cos stamp collecting was her idea first and now because Ms. Colman is such a ginormous bitch, Karen's collection is gonna be the shittiest in the class. All seems lost, but then Ricky actually reads his postcard and the class finds out that these children that have been writing to their selfish asses were actually waiting for a response. So then Karen comes up with the idea of starting their own class website so that they might correspond with these kids more expediently than with snail-mail. So Ms. Colman agrees to start a website cos you don't wanna be on Karen's shitlist too long and everything ends the way it's supposed to--- Karen's way.

Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a tie! First we congratulate Karen's dad for this nugget:
"First of all," said Daddy, "it is against the law to send some chain letters through the mail. The post office keeps track of these things. If you send a chain letter that tells people to send money, you can be arrested."
What!?! I'm pretty sure you'll only get arrested if your chain letter is laced with anthrax. But thanks for the scare tactic, Mr. Brewer (and subsequently Ann M. Martin.)And second we have to give it to Karen for her unflagging self importance:
One thing surprised me. None of the messages mentioned me specifically.
Bitch, who the fuck do you think you are?

EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters: Little Sister #107: Karen's Copycat by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1999.

Dissecting The Cover:
*Karen looks especially douche-y on this cover. She's got her lower lip poked out, pouting like a baby over some flacid penis.
*Meanwhile the chick next to Karen, well her penis has a total hard on.
*Bitch, it is 1999. You are on the cusp of the new millennium, what is with the fucking side-ponytail?
*The tagline reads:

Karen knows it's wrong but...
...she really wants Patrick Swayze's ghost to help her not suck at pottery.

Lets Review:
Karen and Andrew have a new nanny! Her name is Merry and she is gigundoly awesome! Merry is also a potter and since she has no other choice, she lets Karen and Andrew join her class. Karen assumes that she's gonna be the best damn potter that ever lived cos she's that delusional. But when she starts class she soon realizes that pottery is harder than she thought. Even worse, there's a girl named Isabel who is the dopest potter in the land.
Well this simply cannot be. Someone is better than Karen at something? Preposterous!
So Karen decides to steal one of Isabel's exquisitely coiled vases and claim it as her own. But Karen starts developing stealers remorse (which is like buyers remorse but for thieves.)
So Karen thinks about confessing until she learns that Isabel is absent the day they decorate the pottery. So Karen will make the vase unrecognizable to Isabel by adding triangles and squiggly lines. Karen thinks she's the criminal mastermind of the pottery world. But slow your roll Karen cos at the next class Isabel it back! And she totes notices that the vase is hers even through Karen's subpar squiggles. 
Well Isabel won't stand for this big steaming pile of bullshit. She totally calls Karen out in front of the whole class! Karen thinks there's no way Isabel can prove that Karen's a big fat lying liar that lies (and steals!) But Isabel can prove it cos she's a lefty which means she coils counterclockwise as opposed to all the righties in class that coil clockwise. So suck on that, Karen! 
Merry looks over "Karen's vase" and discovers counterclockwise coils. She is disappointed that she's the nanny of a liar and a thief. Karen gets in trouble for being such a horrible human being. Merry makes her push the chairs in after class and apologize to Isabel for totes ripping off her work. Which is getting off pretty easy if you ask me. Merry even tells Karen that she doesn't have to tell her parents specifically why she's in trouble, just that she got in trouble in class. So Karen feels all contrite and shit so she's then rewarded with a special pottery class just for her and her friends. And they even get to use the pottery wheel which Isabel never got to use! 
Look I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't fuck with Karen Brewer. Somehow she always gets her way. Even if she has to be a complete menace to do it. 
In fact, I'm really sticking my neck out here for you guys, making fun of Karen like this. 
If my posts suddenly stop--- y'all know who will be responsible. :)

Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen, for her reasoning on why certain rules don't apply to her:
Perhaps complaining about copying was not the smartest thing to do. After all, I had been copying Isabel. But that was different somehow. (I was not sure exactly how, but it did feel different to me.)
You're not exactly sure how it's different because it's NOT different, you hypocritical wad! Instead of Karen's Copycat, this book should have been called Karen's A Stupid Bitch That Thinks Copying Is Only OK When She Does It. Although I guess that's kinda long for a book title.

You're in luck (and so am I) cos we're done with Karen for awhile.
Coming in October: more R.L. Stine Fear Street nostalgic goodness!

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