EvilEva reviews...... The Baby-Sitters Club #27: Jessi and the Superbrat by Ann M. Martin.Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Jessi is wearing some truly fulgy pants. She looks like her legs are covered in postcards. Maybe Claudia made them for her and she just feels obligated to wear them.
*Wow. The kids on this cover are REALLY ugly. They look like disgruntled members of the Lollipop Guild. The kid in the brown shirt (who I'm guessing is famous child star Derek Masters) looks super pissed. Perhaps one of the Pike triplets made fun of his shuttlecock. Badminton joke!
I don't know if you guys know this or not but there's this super awesome TV show called P.S. 162 and the star of it hails from right here in Stoneybrook! And he's back! And he needs a babysitter! And Jessi is the lucky BSC member that gets to sit for the Derek Masters! And Jessi is so excited to babysit an honest to goodness star!
She wants to know all about Hollywood and what it's like being on TV and working with that dreamboat Lamont. But Derek doesn't wanna talk about any of that shizz. He just wants to be a real boy. But people won't stop hounding him about his child stardom. I mean, is this the BSC or TMZ? Calm it down, ladies!
And to add to Derek's 99 problems and a bitch ain't one, there's some DoucheMagoo at school named John that is totes harshin' on Derek, knocking his books out of his hand and tying his shoelaces together so that he trips.
Well the Baby-Sitters Club is, of course, here to help even though they don't actually do anything except Claudia invites a gaggle of boys from the playground over to Derek's house one day to play. So Derek starts making friends. Hooray! But then he gets offered a role in a movie and it's "Fuck you very much Stoneybrook" and Derek prepares to head back to L.A.
Aw, everyone is sad so they decide to throw Derek a goodbye party/pancake breakfast! Meanwhile in Subplottia, Jessi decides to try out for a super professional version of Swan Lake. She's totes nervous about it and doesn't know if she's good enough to be a background dancer that no one will probably even look at anyway. So in the meantime she'll follow sage advice given to her by an 8 year old. Derek suggests to Jessi that she take up modeling and acting. She can start out doing local commercials and print work and then work her way up to having her own TV series. Because it's just that easy! That's why there are so few actor/waiters in L.A. because anyone with a dream and an iota of determination mixed with a splash of nothing better to do can make it big!
So Jessi gets so wrapped up in writing down agents phone numbers on index cards that she completely forgets to be nervous about her Swan Lake auditions. So you can imagine her surprise when she gets a call saying she's going to be a swan maiden! Yay! Now she doesn't need these stupid notecards anymore cos it turns out she wasn't really interested in being a model/actress. She was just stressed about making it into the corps. So instead of just chilling the fuck out, Jessi would rather flush her life's work down the commode because of frazzled nerves.
Oh and bee tee dubs, when Jessi went to tell Derek goodbye, he admitted there was never a John. He just made it up. He was the one being a dick to people, knocking their books down and tying their laces together. He was being a "superbrat" to make friends.
Word of advice, Derek. People, in general, don't really wanna be friends with a-holes. So you might wanna work on that.
But alls well that ends well and Derek and Jessi have a great big donkey laugh at the fact that Derek wasn't being bullied--- he was the bully! Isn't that a hoot! (I wish my computer had a sarcasm font.)
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Jessi, for describing the reason Becca might be yelling for everyone's attention so loudly and so persistently:
B. Enemy soldiers had trooped into our yard, aimed their guns through the front window, and opened fire.The B. is there because this was multiple choice. A. was the house being on fire and C. was an alien invasion. The actual reason Becca was screaming and acting a fool was because P.S. 162 was about to start and that Lamont is so fucking hot!
My very first thought though was: Damn. How small-minded is Stoneybrook that Jessi immediately goes to snipers descending on their home when she hears her sister screaming.
P.S. Because of the title of this book, the entire time I was reading it I couldn't get the theme song to Josie and the Pussycats outta my head. But instead of Josie it was "Je-sssi and the Su-per brats!"
EvilEva reviews...... The Baby-Sitters Club #29: Mallory and the Mystery Diary by Ann M. Martin.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Mallory is wearing an Aztec Bill Cosby sweater. And it's really ugly.
*Ooooh! Mallory has a boy in her room! But...... he's like 8 years old. So..... eww, Mallory.
*Of course there's a horse portrait above Mallory's bed. Which begs the question: Will Mallory ever get laid? That would've made an awesome tagline.
Stacey's back, y'all! Hooray, huzzah and all that shizz! And she's moved into a super old house with her mom (cos her parent's are divorced now, natch.) But this isn't a Stacey story, this is a Mallory story.
Mallory takes over a casserole and ends up helping Stace and Claudia lug empty boxes to the attic. But there's a payoff to this good deed cos Mallory finds a dusty old trunk! Since Mallory so clearly wants to have this trunk's baby, Stacey tells her she can keep it. So Mallory enlists the help of her 82 brothers and sisters to haul the trunk to the Pike house. The trunk is really heavy so there might be something in it. But, shit!, the trunk is locked.
Mal doesn't wanna ruin the dusty old exterior but eventually she sees no other way of opening it except letting the Pike triplets go at it with a hammer. They finally get the thing open and discover a bunch of dusty old clothes and also a diary!
Mallory reads the diary cos she has no sense of personal boundaries and discovers that it belonged to a girl named Sophie who lived 100 years ago. And there's a mystery! Sophie's mother died and a painting of her went missing and Sophie's horrible grandfather said Sophie's dad was surely the culprit and got her dad blackballed around town. But according to Sophie's diary, her father didn't take the painting and Sophie was hellbent on proving his innocence. But the diary ends and Mallory doesn't know if the mystery was solved. So she decides that she'll solve it herself!
Meanwhile in Subplotville, Buddy Barrett can't read for shit and his mom is waaaay to busy to help him so Mallory offers her assistance. She brings him comics and Encyclopedia Browns. Then, because he liked the Encyclopedia mysteries so much, Mal lets him read Sophie's diary because in order to solve this mystery what we really need is an 8 year olds insight.
Mallory also shows Buddy the trunk and Buddy finds a hidden compartment with a confession letter from Sophie's grandfather stating that Sophie's father didn't steal the painting, her grandfather was so butthurt over Sophie's mother's death that he had someone paint ships over his own daughter's face. Cos that's how people grieve, y'all.
So Buddy and Mal go to Stacey's house to see if the painting might be in her attic and whattayaknow, it is!
So the lame mystery is solved and Buddy can read better now cos someone took the time to help him. Novel concept, I know. Also the fact that I just used the word novel while writing about a kid that has trouble reading is not lost on me.
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Mary Anne and Dawn for being entirely too excited about perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever heard:
"An anniversary!" I exclaimed. "What kind of anniversary?"I'm sorry, what?!?! What adult people A. count the number of dates they've been on together and 2. think to themselves "when we get to 25 we really should celebrate." However, I suppose that after 25 dates, Dawn's mother should just be thankful she's not locked in the basement with only a lotion basket to keep her company.
"They're celebrating because this is the twenty-fifth date they've been on," replied Dawn.