EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters Little Sister #1: Karen's Witch by Ann M. Martin.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
* Karen is wearing a truly fulgy sweater and jeans that look about two sizes too long. Isn't your dad a millionaire? I know he is because it's mention ALL THE TIME in The Baby-Sitters Club series.
* Karen's face kinda looks like that kid's from Jerry Maguire. Also it looks like it may weigh more than 8 pounds.
* She's spying on her neighbor whom she thinks is a witch. But Mrs. Porter is just old. And Karen is just stupid.
* Mrs. Porter's house is fucking sweet! Except for its close proximity to Karen's house. Only drawback.
* The tagline reads:
Is Karen's next-door neighbor a witch?No, but Karen is an idiot.
Karen Brewer is a six year old (almost seven year old!) busybody that's always all up in everyone else's Kool-Aid. She's also a close-minded dumbass who thinks her next door neighbor, Mrs. Porter is a witch just because she wears black and has white hair and owns a black cat and an herb garden.
One night after reading witch stories, Karen swears she sees Mrs. Porter, whom she's stupidly dubbed Morbidda Destiny, fly from the second floor window of her house on a broomstick. Karen is, of course, full of doo doo.
So she decides to spy on The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny with her bff, Hannie. The girls overhear The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny talking to herself while gardening. She says something about an "important meeting," and "company coming," and "midnight." So Karen's dumb ass thinks The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny is planning a witches meeting at midnight. Well Karen won't stand for this bullshizz so she and Hannie go and filch some of The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny's herbs from her garden and decide to make up their own spell to ward off the witches so that they can save their neighborhood. Save their neighborhood from what, I don't know.
Anyway, they place the herbs in their pockets and march up to The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny's door. The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny is surprised to see them since I would assume that she hates them and thus never invites them over to her house. But, be that as it may, The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny lets the girls in. Bad move, The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny.
Karen goes into the room where all the "witches" have gathered and she calls them out on their witchy ways and tells them that if they try to ruin her neighborhood then she will fucking bury them. And by fucking bury them she means tattle on them to her super rich daddy. Then Hannie starts crying.
Karen's grandmother, who happens to be friends with The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny, explains to Karen that this isn't a witch meeting, it's a garden club meeting. Grams makes the girls apologize for being so stupid and then escorts them off of the property.
Karen's taken home and forced to explain to her parents that she spied on their neighbor and falsely accused her and all her friends of being evil witches and warlocks. But Karen doesn't get in much trouble cos she was oh so nobly trying to save the neighborhood. From gardeners.
But her parents do make her write an apology letter to The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny. And that's all for her punishment. Even though she totes still thinks The Stupidly Dubbed Morbidda Destiny is a witch.
So Karen basically learned......... um, nothing.
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen, natch. For this:
"Hey!" I exclaimed. "Let's pretend we're witches. Wouldn't that be fun?"Uh, bitch, this whole time you've been a huge a-hole about Mrs. Porter maybe being a witch and now you wanna pretend to be one?!?!? So I guess the only acceptable way to be a witch is if you're Karen. What a bitch!
EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters Little Sister #3: Karen's Worst Day by Ann M. Martin.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Aw, Boo Boo the cat looks like a neighborhood cat that used to take up residence in our backyard all the time. I mean, except for the Hitler mustache.
* Karen looks so stupid on this cover. She doesn't look like she's upset that Boo Boo tree-ed himself just to get away from her. She looks like someone just beamed her upside the head with a pine cone. Oh how I wish that someone was me.
* Karen has a lot of signatures on her cast. I find it hard to believe that that many people like Karen enough to want to sign her cast. Although, truth be told, I've always wanted to sign someone's cast:
Way to go, dumbass!
Karen's would be the perfect cast to sign that way!
Karen is having a really bad day. In fact it's her Worst Day EVER! In fact it may be the Worst Day of anyone's life Ever EVER! Karen is in no way overdramatizing the horribleness of this day. I mean, she started the day waking up from a nightmare! Then she realizes that she forgot her new fave jeans with the zippers up the sides at her mom's house!
Then Andrew gets the last of the Crunch-O's cereal and the prize! And even when Elizabeth tries to help make Karen less bitchy by giving her a new box of Crunch-O's, Karen is devastated to find that the prize pack is EMPTY! I mean, who cares that there are starving non-bitchy children in Africa that would totally take that cereal even without a prize.
So Karen decides to turn her day around by watching some hilarious Mr. Ed reruns. But Mr. Ed's timeslot has been hijacked by some "special program." Probably about those hungry African kids. Man, Karen just cannot catch a break.
But it's still early in the morning so maybe Karen can make herself feel better by playing with Shannon the dog. But Shannon, much like myself, can't be bothered with Karen and her dumbassery. So Karen tries to play with Boo Boo the cat instead. But Boo Boo, much like myself, would rather climb a tree than hang out with Karen. Finally Boo Boo jumps down but still has no interest in playing with Karen.
Meanwhile, Morbidda Destiny is busy minding her own business in her own yard and exclaims "fiddlesticks!" Which Karen, being a complete moron, thinks is a curse. So Karen runs inside.
Then Karen's bff Hannie comes over with her brother and asks if Karen and David Michael would like to ride bikes to Harry's Brook to catch minnows and have a picnic.
Well Karen loses her shit and calls Hannie a toad because she so insensitively asked Karen to ride bikes when she knows good and damn well that Karen can't ride a bike on account of her broken arm. Karen storms back into the house while Hannie, her brother and David Michael pedal off to enjoy a Karen-free afternoon.
Kristy doesn't get off so easily. She's forced to play checkers with Satan. I mean, Karen. But Karen gets pissy when Kristy lets her win so she storms off yet again.
Then even more bad shit happens.
Karen's stuffed cat gets ripped, there's no more cherry Italian ice on Mr. Tastee's ice cream truck and Andrew got a package and Karen didn't so she acts like an even bigger d-bag to him since he can totally control when people mail shit to him.
But finally at dinnertime, things start turning around. Karen's family discuss their own horrible days and Karen realizes that as far as bad days go she would hold the record for the most shitious things happening to a person in one day! So Karen is a winner!
Then things get Even Better after dinner cos Charlie and Sam take Karen to go get ice cream. And the ice cream parlor actually has exactly what Karen wants. And Charlie's friends thought Karen was 26 and that she was Charlie's girlfriend which delights Karen to no end because she doesn't understand how you're not supposed to date your stepbrother especially if you're 10 years older than him.
Anyway, they go home and Karen apologizes to all the people who felt her wrath today. And everyone accepts her apology because you don't wanna be on Karen's shit list. The end!
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen, for her explanation of why she's going to read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day to her brother Andrew:
"Do you want me to read it to you?" If I read it, you might understand how I felt. And why I yelled at you."Uh, you yelled at him because you're a jackass that can't be happy for anyone else.
Well y'all, it's official--- No more Karen Brewer in 2011!!! Yay!!! We survived!!! Will we be as lucky in 2012? We'll just have to wait and see. ;)