Monday, October 17, 2011

The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 10 Part 2 Reviews

Readers beware you're in for a scare. Again! Welcome to Part 2 of October's Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge! You know what that means. Time for more R.L. Stine cra-za-zee-ness! So lets get started.

EvilEva reviews...... Halloween Night by R.L. Stine. 

Circa: 1993.

Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*There's an evil jack-o-lantern with a knife stabbed through it and the pumpkin is bleeding. Although for having a debilitating knife wound the pumpkin looks surprisingly upbeat.
*The tagline reads:
Trick or treat... the trick is not to die...
Then what's the treat? Is it the not dying? Or maybe Smarties? Cos I kinda fucking love Smarties!

Lets Review:
Brenda HATES her stupid cousin Halley. Halley's stupid parents are getting a stupid divorce which means that stupid Halley has to stay with Brenda's family while her parents duke it out in the courtroom for custody. Brenda's parents give Halley Brenda's room and banish poor Brenda to the room with the air vent in the floor that makes private conversations impossible. See, when you're in the hallway below Brenda's room, you can hear everything that's being said in Brenda's room. Remember that dastardly air vent cos it'll be important later on.
Brenda's hatred for Halley grows when Halley totally makes out with Brenda's boyfriend's face, in Brenda's car, in Brenda's driveway, right in front of Brenda's window.
Brenda could just KILL Halley. Well, coinky-dinkily enough Brenda's teacher has assigned her and her friends, Traci and Dina, to plot a murder. Like ya do in school. I remember the time my teacher asked me to plot out a murder, don't y'all?
So Brenda thinks it's an excellent idea for them to murder Halley for reals.
Not sure if that'll get them extra credit.
Anyway, Traci thinks murder is, of course, the answer cos that slut bucket Halley was flirting it up with Traci's boyfriend too. Dina isn't completely sold on the idea. As a child of divorce herself, Dina feels bad for Halley and knows what she's going through. Dina thinks just because Halley's a slut it doesn't necessarily mean that she deserves to be stabbed to death whilst in the gorilla suit.
Oh, did I not explain that Brenda's throwing a Halloween party and Halley's going to be wearing a gorilla costume (as all hot girls do) and the girls have concocted this complex as well as idiotic plan to stab her in her gorilla guts and no one will even know she's dead until a puddle of blood starts seeping through the costume onto the floor and it'll take so long for that to happen that no one will even know who did it and the girls will get away with murder?
No? Ok, well they totes concocted that shizz. Anyhoo, then all these horrible pranks are played on Brenda. Like someone writes an ominous message in blood on her wall. And a bird minus it's head is left inside a carved pumpkin in Brenda's room. And raw meat complete with maggots is placed under Brenda's sheets. Of course Brenda thinks Halley's behind all this shizz. So the plan to kill Halley's ass is so on like Donkey Kong now.
Until Halley hears the absurd murder plot. You remember that air vent I told you about? The one that makes it impossible to discuss revenge in private? Well the girls talk about the plan and conveniently enough, Halley's in the hallway below Brenda's room at the time and hears the whole thing. And she confronts Brenda. They talk it out and have a real touching moment. Until Brenda decides that she still has to go through with it.
So it's Halloween night. Party time! And the plan, unbeknownst to Halley, is still gonna go down. Dina has bowed out but Traci is still a go. Then there's costume switching for some stupid reason. And then the gorilla is stabbed and a puddle forms on the floor and the gorilla head is taken off and it's..... Brenda! 
I know, WHAT?!?!
So here's the deal, this whole murder was a set up. Brenda realized that it wasn't Halley committing the mean pranks, it was Dina with help from her job at the vet's office. See, Dina wanted to kill Brenda cos she was such an insensitive, uncaring bitch that vanished when Dina's parents were getting a divorce and fighting over her. Instead of being a friend and being there for Dina, Brenda just left her ass hanging and became friends with her again after her parents divorce hoopla was sorted out. So Brenda created this elaborate, stupid ruse to draw Dina out or some shit. 
She sewed extra padding into the gorilla suit so when Dina went to stab her all she got was stuffing. And the puddle of blood was fake, bought from a party store. Maybe just call the police on the homicidal maniac next time. 
Anyhoots, so Brenda and Halley became friends. And Brenda learns to be compassionate when someone's going through a divorce. And Dina "gets the help she needs." Which I'm assuming doesn't go all that well considering there's a Halloween Night 2. 

Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Brenda's mom, for kinda being a bitch to Brenda after she accuses Halley of putting a dead bird in her pumpkin (And I don't mean that sexually. If that could even be interpreted as sexual.):
"Brenda, I expected so much more of you," her mother said through clenched teeth. "Halley is going through such a tough time. I can't believe your attitude toward her. It's sick, Brenda. It's really sick."
No, you know what's sick? Leaving a dead bird inside someone's bedroom in a pumpkin with a lit candle. That's sick. Can you imagine how shitious that smells? Halley's just dealing with her parents divorce. Brenda is dealing with rotten dead bird stink in the place in which she rests her head. Febreze doesn't even make a scent that would cover that shit up.

EvilEva reviews...... College Weekend by R.L. Stine.
Circa: 1995.

Dissecting The Cover:
* Tina looks like a frightened white woman waiting for a bus in Compton. Relax, lady. Given the outfit you are currently wearing, I don't think mugging you would be on anyone's to do list.
*Ooh, look, y'all! It's a menacing figure in the background. There's something very Reverend Camden from 7th Heaven about him.

Lets Review:
Tina can't wait to spend the weekend with her boyfriend at his college. But her buzzkill parents send her cousin Holly along with her to squash any sexytimes between Tina and her bf, Josh.
When Tina and Holly arrive at the train station, Josh is nowhere to be found. Tina is concerned and almost accosted until Josh's roommate, Chris, shows up, saving the day. He explains that Josh went on some geology nerd hike with his friend Steve and they had car trouble. They won't be back for awhile so lets party!
The girls meet Steve's girlfriend, Carla, who kinda tries to set Tina up with Chris as if she doesn't understand the reason Tina is here this weekend is to see her actual boyfriend, Josh. So Tina definitely finds that odd. But then Carla explains that Chris' girlfriend died in a horrible boat accident. Which is terrible but it doesn't make Tina single.
Anyhoo, so Chris convinces the girls to go to a party to pass the time. and then he totally kisses Tina! And she kinda likes it! And then Carla catches them! And then Tina feels guilty and starts remembering to miss Josh again! And then Holly goes missing! But Carla tells Tina that Holly went with a former Shadyside student named Alyssa to check out the drama department. So Chris takes Tina back to the dorms to wait on Josh and now Holly. But Holly's still missing in the morning. Chris assures Tina that the drama kids are weird and sometimes sleep in the drama department. So they go to the dressing rooms to find Holly but she's not there. So they go to the school carnival. Cos when your cousin's missing at a time when cellphones aren't popular yet, you just assume the best and go have fun at a carnival in the meantime.
So that's just what Tina does. Meanwhile, Carla decides to go to the mountain and pick up the boys.
Tina has a grand ole time with Chris on the Ferris wheel. Until he starts losing his fucking mind and starts rocking the car and insisting that she's a tease. Finally the godforsaken ride ends and when on solid ground Chris is apologetic and normal again. Tina's kinda scared of Chris but then she thinks of his dead girlfriend and how he's probably a little fucked up about it so she forgives him for nearly killing her.
When Chris suggests that he can take Tina to his photography studio so she can get her model on to kill time until Carla's back with the boys, Tina agrees to go with him. Because she's a fucking idiot.
When they get to the studio, surprise surprise, things start getting weird. Chris forbids Tina from going in one of the rooms. He has a bunch of women's clothes, all in only one size. And when he starts photographing Tina he gets super intense and calls her Judy.
Yeah, turns out Chris is off his fucking rocker. Judy is the name of his dead girlfriend. And all the clothes that Tina has been trying on all belonged to Judy. So she's been wearing dead girl clothes! Ick! But that's not the worst part. The worst part is that Judy didn't just die. She was murdered! By Chris! And now he wants to kill Tina too!
So Tina is chased into the darkroom where Chris locks her in. And she discovers that Judy isn't the only one Chris killed. He killed Josh too! With photo chemicals! And then shoved him in a cabinet! And lied to Tina about Josh's whereabouts! Because he's fucking crazy!
Since Tina's being a bad Judy, Chris has to punish her. So he lets her out of the darkroom and Tina actually does something worth a shit. She hits Chris upside the head with a tripod, knocking him out.
Tina starts to haul ass outta there but hears a noise coming from the room she was forbade from entering. She opens the door and discovers that Chris had Holly tied up in there! So Tina unties Holly and they try to get outta the studio. But everyone knows you can't keep a good psycho down, so of course Chris regains consciousness and goes after them with a pair of scissors!
Then Carla and Steve show up and it seems like Tina and Holly are saved! But they're not. Cos it seems like Carla and Steve are actually working with Chris! But they're not. They were just going along with his crazy shizznat so that Carla could get the scissors away from him so Steve could tackle him to the ground.
Chris told Carla that Josh was seeing another girl so that's why she was trying to push Chris and Tina together cos she thought Josh was a cheating wad and Tina deserved better. Which, when you think about it, it's really none of Carla's bidness if Josh was cheating or not. And it's not her place to try to set up this girl she just met with some maniac that killed his ex just because she thinks the girl is being cheated on. 
Anyhoo, Carla talked to Steve who set her straight about how Josh wasn't in fact cheating and really loved Tina and was excited for their weekend together and that's why he bowed out of the camping trip. Well thanks for that depressing update, Carla. As well as, mind your own fucking business from now on!
Anyhoozies, when Carla called Steve they quickly realized that Chris was suffering from Judy depression so they booked it over to the studio to save Tina and Holly. And Tina is totes grateful. Even though it's kinda Carla's fault to begin with for being a total Elizabeth Wakefield-sized meddler.
So, in short, during this totally amazing weekend Tina lost her boyfriend, her ambitions to become a model and the desire to set foot on this campus again. Which is a bummer cos I'm pretty sure it was her top choice. What a downer.

Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Tina, for being surprised that her boyfriend neglected to mention how hot his roommate is:

Josh had told her that Chris had tons of money. But Josh had never told her how handsome Chris was.
I'd really like to hear that phone convo between a bf and his gf. I think it'd go a little something like this:
I can't wait for you to visit. I'm really excited that you're finally gonna meet my roommate. His parents are loaded so he's got a really nice high tech computer. He's also got these incredible blue eyes! When you gaze into them it's like staring at the ocean. *sigh*
Frankly I would be a little concerned if my boyfriend told he how handsome he thought his roommate was. Anybody else?

And Now For Something Truly Frightening:
Check out this description of that hot toddy Chris:
Chris removed the rubber band from his ponytail. His hair fell down his neck. He shook it out.
Ewwwwwww!!! That is the scariest thing I've ever read. *shivers with disgust*

Well that's all the nostalgia you could shake a fist at this month! Come back next month for more. But, I mean, come back before next month too. I'll still be blogging and reviewing and acting a fool! 

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