EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters Little Sister #9: Karen's Sleepover by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1990.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Karen has buck teeth, HUGE Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and a side ponytail. How does she even have enough friends to invite to a sleepover?!
*Who in the fuck is that cracked-out looking Pippy Longstockings?!? God, she looks super evil! I'd check inside her babydoll for homemade shivs if I were y'all.
*Goddamn at the scrunchies.
*The tagline reads:
*Who decorates for a sleepover with balloons and streamers?
Lets Review:
Karen has a Great Idea! Of course she fucking does, she is Kristy's stepsister after all. There's got to be a trickle-down effect of good idea-having over at Watson's HUGE ass mansion.
Anyhoodles, Karen's Great Idea is to have her first ever sleepover! And she's gonna invite every girl in her class cos she doesn't know how sleepovers work. How are you gonna talk smack about that one b-hole in class that you and all your friends totally HATE if your stupid ass decided to invite her over?!? God Karen, for a person with glasses, you sure are stupid.
So everyone starts to get their invitations. Yes. This dumb bitch sent out invitations to a sleepover. To all the girls IN HER CLASS . Even though she could've like saved a tree or some shit and just told them at recess that they were invited.
But Nancy, Karen's BFF, hasn't gotten her invite yet and apparently doesn't know how that whole "postal service thing" works cos she totes gets all butthurt cos she thinks that for some dumbass reason Karen didn't invite her even though Karen TOLD HER TO HER FACE that she was invited. So all week Nancy is totally harshing on Karen's sleepover buzz. And Karen is getting tired of her bullshizz.
Then Nancy calls Karen and tells her Hooray her invitation has FiNALLY arrived! And Karen's all "you know what bitch? you've given me so much fucking grief about this, I now un-invite you!" So then Nancy's all "bitch I'm never talking to you again!"
Then a new girl named Pamela joins Karen's class. For all you BSC aficionados out there, Pamela is basically a mini Stacey. All the girls keep talking about her phat wardrobe!
Anyhoo, Karen thinks "perfect! iIknow a way to get back at stupid Nancy! I'll invite this new chick to replace her! Nancy will be so faced! Bwahahaha!" And then she would of course wring her evil hands.
Finally the day comes! It's sleepover time!
Karen decorates the playroom with crepe paper and balloons. Again, because Karen doesn't understand the art of the sleepover.
So the sleepover is in full swing and all the girls are having fun! Except Lil' Stacey. I mean, Pamela. She doesn't want to sleep on the floor or eat pizza and is just generally being a douchebaguette . Well Karen gets frustrated, thinking she may not be the hostess with the mostess. So she calls Nancy because apparently Nancy is not the type of girl that would put up with Stacey Lite, I mean, Pamela's shit. Karen apologizes and tells Nancy that she is re-invited to her sleepover so that she can help Karen deal with Stacey Jr, I mean Pamela's cranky pants.
So Nancy comes over and apologizes to Karen for being a total turd about the invite in the first place. They forgive each other and bond over their sudden mutual hatred for 7 year old Stacey, i mean, Pamela.
That Monday, at school, all the girls think that Karen's sleepover was the best ever! (Cos they've never been to another one before.) But even though Karen and Nancy (and the forgotten Musketeer, Hannie) have decided that they will hate non-diabetic Stacey, I mean Pamela, for all eternity, the other girls in the class are still betwixt by her cool clothes.
Karen and Nancy (and the forgotten Musketeer, Hannie) vow that they will now be known as The Three Musketeers and they'll be friends forevs and never let a stupid argument come between them again.
And I thought we were gonna Learn An Important Lesson about how Pamela was shy and self conscious because she was new to town and didn't know anyone so that's why she was acting so weird but I guess she was just a bitch that thought she was better then Karen cos she thought sleeping on the floor was stupid and Karen's blankie and stuffed cat were babyish.
So, fuck Pamela, I guess.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen of course. This is, no joke, page one, sixth sentence, second paragraph of the book:
I don't need your life story, bitch, just tell me about this sleepover already.
Bonus Shizz:
This wouldn't be bonus shizz in anyone else's book, but in my borrowed copy someone has written their name in the front of the book. That person is: Sara Force!
Now, that exclamation point is not because I know this "Sara Force" and what a cowinky-dink that I've stumbled upon one of her old books.
No, that exclamation point is because Sara Force sounds like the COOLEST NAME EVER! She sounds like a ready-made superhero!
Patrolling the streets of Stoneybrook in shadow. Keeping children and baby-sitters safe. Ridding the town of evildoers. It's! Sara Force!
And then there'd be super patriotic music and a flag whipping in the wind and Sara Force would be front and center with her hands on her hips, clad in a black catsuit of some sort. And it would be AWESOME!!!
EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters Little Sister #20: Karen's Carnival by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1991.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Karen is at the fortune teller booth, reading the palm of some kid. The look on her face seems to say "I don't know how to tell you this but... you only have 3 months to live, boo."
*Does Karen always wear a side ponytail/scrunchie combo? Is that a "Karen" thing? Let me guess, she thinks this makes her look "gigundo" cool?
*Karen's head looks SUPER misshapen in this pic. I guess the top part of her head appears so large because it's so full of Great Ideas.
*I want to go to the Cold Drinks booth. I wonder if they carry Skinnygirl Margaritas. I deserve a stiff one after reading about this chick.
Lets Review:
Karen and her fellow Musketeers, Hannie and Nancy, are SOOOOO BORED! There is NOTHING to do! Except roller skate. In theory. In reality, Hannie's skates are too small, Nancy doesn't even own a pair and Karen's skates are currently at the little house.
So they decide they'll go to the park instead. But only if they can walk there all by themselves. Well Karen's stepmother has seen one too many Datelines and tells them it's too far for them to go alone but she would be glad to drive them there.
This "free car ride" does not jive well with these brats, so they decline the offer because it is better to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING than to not get your way. So the girls have a spectacularly boring time. Until they decide that they can get cash so that they can buy some roller skates. But how could they get money? They're only 7! So they put on their thinking caps and that's when Karen comes up with yet another Great Idea. They'll have a carnival! They get really excited about this idea and about how soon enough they'll be roller skating it up!
Karen's real mom picks her and her dimwitted little brother up and tells them that there are plans to build a new playground in Stoneybrook within walking distance of Watson's house! How serendipitous since Karen had just been bitching about this in the previous chapter!
(P.S. Isn't Watson a fucking millionaire?! This mofo can't just purchase one of those elaborate swingset/slide/fort dealies they've got at Toys R Us?)
So Karen tells her besties that instead of using their carnival money for skates, they'll use it for the new playground!
Well Hannie has a shit fit cos homegirl seriously wants some roller skates.
But Karen, being the bossy bitch she is, tells Hannie "tough shit. the carnival money from the carnival we have not yet thrown will go to the playground fund, NOT for roller skates for your janky feet!"
This, of course, leads to a fight. I think it must be very hard being Karen's friend because at any given moment she will hate you.
So Karen now hates Hannie's roller skate-wanting ass. But not for long. The girls actually squash their beef within a few chapters. So they're all friends again now that they're doing exactly what Karen wants.
Now that we're all back on track (God, Hannie! Quit trying to have your own opinions!) it's time to buy things like prizes and lemonade mix for the carnival. But wait. That shit costs a fair amount of scratch which the girls don't have because they're only 7. (Even though Karen's dad is a millionaire.)
So they ask their parents to pony up. All the parents give $10. (Really Watson? $10? Way to dig deep, man.) Now they have $54! They buy everything they'll need and then it's...
Carnival Time!
The carnival is, of course, called Karen's Carnival cos she's a selfish bitch that shuns others ideas.
There are game booths and refreshments and a rummage sale and Nancy is selling friendship bracelets and Karen is the fortune teller.
They have a lot of customers. And even that creepy "witch" "Morbidda Destiny" from next door spends some cash.
Then the girls rudely end the carnival because it's 4 o' clock which is when the carnival was supposed to end and it's gonna whether you're done with your ringtoss or not because Karen's feet and back hurt goddamnit! So the carnival comes to a close.
Lets count our money! I bet we made a bajillion dollars!
Wait. What'd you say, Nancy? We made $32.40? But we put in $54! How can this even be?!?!
Karen goes to Kristy heartbroken because of her own dumbassedness. Kristy asks how much the prizes cost. They were 50 cent and a dollar a piece. And the girls only charged 25 cents at each booth. So Kristy's all "you should've charged more, dipshit."
But, of course, none of this really matters anyway because the citizens of Stoneybrook have already raised enough money for the playground.
So the playground is built, and now Karen and her friends are bored again, this time with all the playground equipment because they've already played on all of it and you know what would be A LOT of fun?! if we could go roller skating on the blacktop over there!
Oh brother, here we go again!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a two-fer. This one takes place while Karen and Hannie are arguing about what to name the carnival. Karen, of course, thinks it should be named Karen's Carnival since it was her Great Idea. But Hannie thinks Karen's a beast that always has to get her way. So they solve this argument like reasonable second graders. That is to say, Hannie gives Karen her way. Check how Hannie folds like a cheap suit:
So you need to stop with that and follow this line of action instead:
So, have you had enough of Karen and her slaves, i mean, fellow Musketeers, yet? Well too bad cos we've still got two more of her books to suffer through. So bring it back here for even more gigundo fun!
Circa: 1990.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Karen has buck teeth, HUGE Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and a side ponytail. How does she even have enough friends to invite to a sleepover?!
*Who in the fuck is that cracked-out looking Pippy Longstockings?!? God, she looks super evil! I'd check inside her babydoll for homemade shivs if I were y'all.
*Goddamn at the scrunchies.
*The tagline reads:
Will Pamela ruin all the fun?I'm guessing Pamela is the sad sack sitting in the chair with her man hands clasped in her lap. Maybe she's no fun because she's self conscious about her gigantic man hands, Karen! You're such a fucking bitch!
*Who decorates for a sleepover with balloons and streamers?
Lets Review:
Karen has a Great Idea! Of course she fucking does, she is Kristy's stepsister after all. There's got to be a trickle-down effect of good idea-having over at Watson's HUGE ass mansion.
Anyhoodles, Karen's Great Idea is to have her first ever sleepover! And she's gonna invite every girl in her class cos she doesn't know how sleepovers work. How are you gonna talk smack about that one b-hole in class that you and all your friends totally HATE if your stupid ass decided to invite her over?!? God Karen, for a person with glasses, you sure are stupid.
So everyone starts to get their invitations. Yes. This dumb bitch sent out invitations to a sleepover. To all the girls IN HER CLASS . Even though she could've like saved a tree or some shit and just told them at recess that they were invited.
But Nancy, Karen's BFF, hasn't gotten her invite yet and apparently doesn't know how that whole "postal service thing" works cos she totes gets all butthurt cos she thinks that for some dumbass reason Karen didn't invite her even though Karen TOLD HER TO HER FACE that she was invited. So all week Nancy is totally harshing on Karen's sleepover buzz. And Karen is getting tired of her bullshizz.
Then Nancy calls Karen and tells her Hooray her invitation has FiNALLY arrived! And Karen's all "you know what bitch? you've given me so much fucking grief about this, I now un-invite you!" So then Nancy's all "bitch I'm never talking to you again!"
Then a new girl named Pamela joins Karen's class. For all you BSC aficionados out there, Pamela is basically a mini Stacey. All the girls keep talking about her phat wardrobe!
Anyhoo, Karen thinks "perfect! iIknow a way to get back at stupid Nancy! I'll invite this new chick to replace her! Nancy will be so faced! Bwahahaha!" And then she would of course wring her evil hands.
Finally the day comes! It's sleepover time!
Karen decorates the playroom with crepe paper and balloons. Again, because Karen doesn't understand the art of the sleepover.
So the sleepover is in full swing and all the girls are having fun! Except Lil' Stacey. I mean, Pamela. She doesn't want to sleep on the floor or eat pizza and is just generally being a douchebaguette . Well Karen gets frustrated, thinking she may not be the hostess with the mostess. So she calls Nancy because apparently Nancy is not the type of girl that would put up with Stacey Lite, I mean, Pamela's shit. Karen apologizes and tells Nancy that she is re-invited to her sleepover so that she can help Karen deal with Stacey Jr, I mean Pamela's cranky pants.
So Nancy comes over and apologizes to Karen for being a total turd about the invite in the first place. They forgive each other and bond over their sudden mutual hatred for 7 year old Stacey, i mean, Pamela.
That Monday, at school, all the girls think that Karen's sleepover was the best ever! (Cos they've never been to another one before.) But even though Karen and Nancy (and the forgotten Musketeer, Hannie) have decided that they will hate non-diabetic Stacey, I mean Pamela, for all eternity, the other girls in the class are still betwixt by her cool clothes.
Karen and Nancy (and the forgotten Musketeer, Hannie) vow that they will now be known as The Three Musketeers and they'll be friends forevs and never let a stupid argument come between them again.
And I thought we were gonna Learn An Important Lesson about how Pamela was shy and self conscious because she was new to town and didn't know anyone so that's why she was acting so weird but I guess she was just a bitch that thought she was better then Karen cos she thought sleeping on the floor was stupid and Karen's blankie and stuffed cat were babyish.
So, fuck Pamela, I guess.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen of course. This is, no joke, page one, sixth sentence, second paragraph of the book:
Hi. My name is Karen Brewer. I'm seven years old, which is a very good age. I have a little brother named Andrew, an adopted sister, a stepsister, and three stepbrothers. I wear glasses and I have some freckles. Once I got a horrible haircut, but now my hair is grown out and back to normal. It is pretty long.So. If you couldn't already tell, Karen is a bit of an over-sharer.
I don't need your life story, bitch, just tell me about this sleepover already.
Bonus Shizz:
This wouldn't be bonus shizz in anyone else's book, but in my borrowed copy someone has written their name in the front of the book. That person is: Sara Force!
Now, that exclamation point is not because I know this "Sara Force" and what a cowinky-dink that I've stumbled upon one of her old books.
No, that exclamation point is because Sara Force sounds like the COOLEST NAME EVER! She sounds like a ready-made superhero!
Patrolling the streets of Stoneybrook in shadow. Keeping children and baby-sitters safe. Ridding the town of evildoers. It's! Sara Force!
And then there'd be super patriotic music and a flag whipping in the wind and Sara Force would be front and center with her hands on her hips, clad in a black catsuit of some sort. And it would be AWESOME!!!
Circa: 1991.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Karen is at the fortune teller booth, reading the palm of some kid. The look on her face seems to say "I don't know how to tell you this but... you only have 3 months to live, boo."
*Does Karen always wear a side ponytail/scrunchie combo? Is that a "Karen" thing? Let me guess, she thinks this makes her look "gigundo" cool?
*Karen's head looks SUPER misshapen in this pic. I guess the top part of her head appears so large because it's so full of Great Ideas.
*I want to go to the Cold Drinks booth. I wonder if they carry Skinnygirl Margaritas. I deserve a stiff one after reading about this chick.
Lets Review:
Karen and her fellow Musketeers, Hannie and Nancy, are SOOOOO BORED! There is NOTHING to do! Except roller skate. In theory. In reality, Hannie's skates are too small, Nancy doesn't even own a pair and Karen's skates are currently at the little house.
So they decide they'll go to the park instead. But only if they can walk there all by themselves. Well Karen's stepmother has seen one too many Datelines and tells them it's too far for them to go alone but she would be glad to drive them there.
This "free car ride" does not jive well with these brats, so they decline the offer because it is better to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING than to not get your way. So the girls have a spectacularly boring time. Until they decide that they can get cash so that they can buy some roller skates. But how could they get money? They're only 7! So they put on their thinking caps and that's when Karen comes up with yet another Great Idea. They'll have a carnival! They get really excited about this idea and about how soon enough they'll be roller skating it up!
Karen's real mom picks her and her dimwitted little brother up and tells them that there are plans to build a new playground in Stoneybrook within walking distance of Watson's house! How serendipitous since Karen had just been bitching about this in the previous chapter!
(P.S. Isn't Watson a fucking millionaire?! This mofo can't just purchase one of those elaborate swingset/slide/fort dealies they've got at Toys R Us?)
So Karen tells her besties that instead of using their carnival money for skates, they'll use it for the new playground!
Well Hannie has a shit fit cos homegirl seriously wants some roller skates.
But Karen, being the bossy bitch she is, tells Hannie "tough shit. the carnival money from the carnival we have not yet thrown will go to the playground fund, NOT for roller skates for your janky feet!"
This, of course, leads to a fight. I think it must be very hard being Karen's friend because at any given moment she will hate you.
So Karen now hates Hannie's roller skate-wanting ass. But not for long. The girls actually squash their beef within a few chapters. So they're all friends again now that they're doing exactly what Karen wants.
Now that we're all back on track (God, Hannie! Quit trying to have your own opinions!) it's time to buy things like prizes and lemonade mix for the carnival. But wait. That shit costs a fair amount of scratch which the girls don't have because they're only 7. (Even though Karen's dad is a millionaire.)
So they ask their parents to pony up. All the parents give $10. (Really Watson? $10? Way to dig deep, man.) Now they have $54! They buy everything they'll need and then it's...
Carnival Time!
The carnival is, of course, called Karen's Carnival cos she's a selfish bitch that shuns others ideas.
There are game booths and refreshments and a rummage sale and Nancy is selling friendship bracelets and Karen is the fortune teller.
They have a lot of customers. And even that creepy "witch" "Morbidda Destiny" from next door spends some cash.
Then the girls rudely end the carnival because it's 4 o' clock which is when the carnival was supposed to end and it's gonna whether you're done with your ringtoss or not because Karen's feet and back hurt goddamnit! So the carnival comes to a close.
Lets count our money! I bet we made a bajillion dollars!
Wait. What'd you say, Nancy? We made $32.40? But we put in $54! How can this even be?!?!
Karen goes to Kristy heartbroken because of her own dumbassedness. Kristy asks how much the prizes cost. They were 50 cent and a dollar a piece. And the girls only charged 25 cents at each booth. So Kristy's all "you should've charged more, dipshit."
But, of course, none of this really matters anyway because the citizens of Stoneybrook have already raised enough money for the playground.
So the playground is built, and now Karen and her friends are bored again, this time with all the playground equipment because they've already played on all of it and you know what would be A LOT of fun?! if we could go roller skating on the blacktop over there!
Oh brother, here we go again!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a two-fer. This one takes place while Karen and Hannie are arguing about what to name the carnival. Karen, of course, thinks it should be named Karen's Carnival since it was her Great Idea. But Hannie thinks Karen's a beast that always has to get her way. So they solve this argument like reasonable second graders. That is to say, Hannie gives Karen her way. Check how Hannie folds like a cheap suit:
I did not say anything.See what happened there, Hannie? You relented and all of a sudden it's "MY" carnival. You and Nancy need to nip this shizz in the bud before Karen's head gets any bigger. (See: cover of this book.)
Finally Hannie sighed. "Okay," she said. "We'll call it Karen's Carnival."
"Thank you," I replied.
After that we made lots more signs announcing my carnival.
So you need to stop with that and follow this line of action instead:
And guess what. Hannie hit me. She put her own arm out and she punched my hand. Hard.Now that is a Hannie I can get behind!
So, have you had enough of Karen and her slaves, i mean, fellow Musketeers, yet? Well too bad cos we've still got two more of her books to suffer through. So bring it back here for even more gigundo fun!
No comments:
Post a Comment