EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #60: That Fatal Night by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate Williams, who apparently just added an S to the end of her last name.)
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Uh oh. These two look serious. And based on the name of the book, I'm gonna assume that some kind of serious shizz goes down. Maybe someone dies!
*The chick on the cover, who i guess is supposed to be Terri, kinda looks like the mean teenage daughter who is NOT Gabby Hoffmann in Uncle Buck. She also appears to have man hands. Or man hand, as the case may be.
*Why do all the guys on the SVH books look so douchey? Ken looks like a douchey robot with great hair.
Lets Review:
Amy Sutton is totally hot for Ken Matthews..... letterman jacket. Yeah Amy is pretty much a slut that only likes Ken because he's the star quarterback for the Sweet Valley Gladiators.
Unlike sweet, shy Terri Adams who likes Ken for his unique Kenness.
But crafty Amy puts her paws all over Ken at the victory party she throws for him after Sweet Valley's big win, giving everyone the impression that they're totes going steady.
Terri is devastated and wants to go home and emo out over Ken's unsingleness. So she asks Winston (who i hate) for a ride. But Winston's car is in the shop so he too must bum a ride. And who is he bumming this ride from? None other then Ken Matthews! I imagine there is much brick shitting from Terri at this moment.
So Ken drops off Winston (who I hate) and his gf Maria, at Winston's house. P.S. it would behoove you to know that it is pouring rain. Terri is presumably still shitting bricks over being alone in close proximity to THE Ken Matthews and is totally bummed that the car ride to her house doesn't last longer.
Ken drops Terri off and heads back out in the storm to the party thrown by Amy The Man-Eater. But oh noes! There's this crazy drunk driver and he's headed right for Ken's car! Ken veers away from the truck to avoid a head-on collision and OH NOES TIMES TWO!, he smashes into a tree!
Ken is rushed to the hospital where he is told that he's blind now. Pour one out for Ken's eyes, y'all.
Amy is a complete hag about Ken's sudden blindness and is only concerned about what this will mean for her social life. But Terri doesn't mind that Ken can no longer see because she liked him for who he was to begin with unlike Amy The A-Hole who has already moved on to the quarterback that replaced Ken on the team. See what I mean? What a hag!
Anyhoosies, Ken spends some time at a rehab facility so that he can learn how to not bump into stuff. After a while he gets to go back to SVH. Ken has a sad cos it's really hard being blind and he's afraid that everyone will treat him differently.
Meanwhile, Terri ties a scarf around her eyes and tries to navigate through her own house so that she can feel what it's like for Ken. And she finds out that it's super hard not being able to see. So she decides to take him to the beach so that he can feel the sun on his skin and the sand on his feet. They have a fun time and Ken starts getting tingly feelings for Terri in his special place. But he thinks there's no way that Terri would ever wanna go out with a blindy.
But Terri does have tingly feelings for Ken. And she thinks there's no way Ken would ever go out with her because it's "her fault" that he's blind in the first place. So they remain Just Friends and Terri starts doing everything for Ken. And Ken has the nerve to act semi-douchey to Terri when she doesn't do what he asks her to do when he asks her to do it.
But after some meddlesome words from Elizabeth (of course), Terri confronts Ken on his douchetastical ways. They yell at each other and Terri admits that she loves Ken and that's why she's been helping him and it hurts her that he's taking advantage of her. Then Terri leaves to go cry alone on a beach somewhere.
Ken feels like a jackhole for depending on Terri so much and for yelling at her. He realizes that he loves her too. So he takes his blind ass to the bus stop and makes his way to their special non-crowded beach to tell her that he's sorry and would like very much to make out with her face.
They have a magical beach apology moment and kiss it up and for one perfect second, Ken catches a glimpse of the sun! His eyesight is coming back! Hooray!
And I suppose those two live happily ever after cos at the end of the book they're running laps together while some lurker named Patty Gilbert looks on jealously because apparently things aren't going so hot with her boyfriend Jim. But that sounds like a problem for another book (like a book titled Boy Trouble for instance.)
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
The author of this book for this bit o' product placement:
"Todd, isn't that a white Toyota? Like Ken's?" Elizabeth asked.Why do I want a Toyota all of a sudden?
Todd stopped the car and stared at the wreckage. The front end of the white car was crumpled up like an accordion. The windshield had a gaping hole in it, and there was shattered glass everywhere.
"It's a Toyota all right," Todd said.
Elizabeth strained to see the back of the Toyota as they slowly passed by.
Bonus Shizz!:
Sweet Valley wants to know what our New Year's resolution is gonna be! They wanna know how we plan on starting the 90s! And if you have a nonstupid resolution you could win a copy of your fave Sweet Valley book signed by Francine Pascal! Which I guess means whoever actually wrote your fave book will forge Francine Pascal's signature since she apparently can't be bothered to write anything on her own!
Circa: 1990.
Dissecting The Cover:
*OMG! Its mistaken identity twin hijinks time!
*Jessica looks like a hot ass mess. She's got horrible hair which she's put one blue streak in. If Jessica was as adventurous as she keeps insisting she is then she would've dyed all of her hair blue not just a little bitch squiggle. Her eyebrows also look like hell. And her eyes kinda look like Sloth's from The Goonies. No offense to Sloth.
*Jessica is also wearing a truly hideous necklace/earrings set. It's neon fish. Yeah. Neon fish. What the what?!?!
*Elizabeth is wearing an ugly jacket and beret and holding her head while looking over at Jess like "I am so embarrassed to have the same face as you right now." And while Jessica does look all sorts of ridiculous, you're still wearing a shiny grey jacket and a beret, Liz, so I wouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, you're throwing them at the person that drew y'all cos he made you look totally ugg-o.
Lets Review:
Jessica Wakefield schemes again! This time she is soooo done with all the immature SVH boys that she's already tried her vagina out on. She wants someone new and exciting! So Jess is super psyched when she finds the Lovestruck Computer Dating service in the mall! Which specializes in teens! Because nothing lasts forever like teen romances!
So Jessica fills out two applications. One as Daniella Fromage, a foreign film-loving, poetry-reading, French cuisine-eating world traveler that is sophisticated and intellectual and is oddly enough like Jessica's snooty sorority sister, Suzanne Hanlon.
The other application she fills out as Magenta Galaxy, a wild rocker chick that loves fast cars, fashion and dancing the night away at the hottest clubs and sounds suspiciously like the lead singer of SVH's rock band The Droids, Dana Larson.
Soon enough, Jess gets calls from two different boys wanting to take both her new personalities out on a date.
First, "Daniella Fromage" has a date with Pierre Du Lac. So Jess goes to Suzanne to get pointers on how to act all sophisticated and well-traveled and shit. She also borrows some of Suzanne's designer duds.
Jessica goes out with Pierre and is completely won over by how fucking hot he is! Conversing with him is kind of odd though because he doesn't seem to speak a lick of French and he thought that Fellini was a pasta dish. But who gives a fuck! He's so hot, y'all!
Next Jessica gets a call from Brett S. He wants to take "Magenta Galaxy" to a club to listen to super loud rock music. So Jess uses Dana much in the same way she used Suzanne, borrowing accessories from her and getting a crash course in rock n roll. Jess goes out with Brett and omg!, he's super hot too! But he seems kinda weird cos he doesn't know that one band that Jessica asked him about. But, yet again, who cares! He's soooo cute!
Meanwhile, Elizabeth really wants a special dress for the Valentine's dance. She finds the perfect one but is too chicken shit to put it on her parents credit card. So Jessica tells her that it's too perfect for her to not get it so she'll foot half the bill and Liz can just pay her back later. Oh look. It's later. And through a mishap involving a sleepy Lila, Jessica is now double booked for the same day! And she can't do something simple like cancel on the guy that she can actually call. No way! She must now go on both dates. But that sounds so hard. If only there were a girl with the same face that owed her a favor. Oh wait! There is!
So Jessica convinces Liz to dress as Daniella while she's dressed as Magenta. Liz will have dinner with Pierre for 15 minutes then meet Jessica in the bathroom where they'll switch accessories and then switch dates. This should in no way end up a disaster.
Except Liz doesn't like either of the guys. She thinks they're both fakes. And since Liz ALWAYS has to meddle, she totally ruins both dates and subsequently Jessica's life.
When the twins get home from the horrible dates, Jess gives Liz the silent treatment. The next morning she huffs out of the house to go let off some steam playing tennis with Cara Walker. And whatdaya know, she finds a cute tennis player there that she decides to flirt with. As herself, of course.
Back at the Wakefield Casa, Elizabeth tries once more to earn her Meddling Merit Badge. She calls Pierre and Bret and tells them to meet Jess at their house to talk.
Jessica comes back and forgives Liz for being a meddlesome bitch since she's found another hot guy she can lay on for a while. Then she discovers that Liz has been meddling while she's been flirting. Pierre is at the door! He tells Jess that she was right when she (or rather Liz) called him a fake. He was using the dating service to find someone different and exciting just like Jessica was! Then Brett comes over. And he's a big fat phony too! He was also looking for someone new.
Then Suzanne and Dana come over to collect their things that Jessica has filched. Jess goes upstairs to get their shit and when she comes back she finds that Pierre, who was actually more like Jessica's Magenta character, talking with Dana! And Brett, who was actually more like Jessica's Daniella character, is talking with Suzanne!
They all leave together but Jess doesn't care cos she snagged a buff tennis player just by being herself! So Suzanne and Dana can have her castoffs!
Also, Elizabeth found out that she's a wet blanket and completely unadventurous and all of her friends totally already knew this about her. So to prove them wrong she paints her toenails bright red and gets a hideous perm. Yeah Liz, that'll show 'em!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
The author for giving us the scoop on what Elizabeth does in her free time:
Elizabeth was practicing her recorder when she heard Jessica bounding up the stairs.Who over the age of 10 even plays the recorder much less is up in their room practicing on the stupid thing? I mean, how good do you wanna be at playing Hot Cross Buns?
Although truthfully the most ridiculous thing in this entire book was that Jessica named her alter egos Magenta Galaxy and Daniella Fromage. However, I actually scoffed when I read that recorder line so I knew I had to share that one with y'all.
That's all the nostalgia I can fit into this month but be sure to check back in September for an all new Flashback Challenge! Until then, if y'all have any ideas what books would be a snarksters gold mine be sure to dish that shizz in the comments section.
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