EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley University: The Roommate by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Laurie John.) Circa: 1996.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Creepy lady half-face. Ahhh! Run!
*Classifieds newspaper clipping. So this should end well. I think I'd rather read about the person in the ad below Isabella's:
SVU CAMPUS male to share with male. Sounds like the beginning of an amazing porno!
*There's a chick with a crap haircut looking superimposed on a balcony. And she's scared, y'all!
*This is an SVU Thriller Edition! So it's more thrilling than a regular SVU book. Which I imagine wouldn't be that hard to pull off.
*Sweet Valley High- now a hit TV series! A hit? Really? I find that hard to believe. Although, TRUTH SERUM TIME, I totally used to watch this show. *hangs head in shame*
Isabella Ricci (no relation to Christina) is beautiful and stylish and popular and a Theta and has the perfect boyfriend. But she totally wrecks her Range Rover! How will she EVER get it fixed? She feels bad about asking her parents to pay for it and it's not like she could get a job or something. Jobs are for poor people! So Isabella has the grand idea of getting a roommate. This will solve all of her problems.
After interviewing a bunch of losers, Isabella finally finds the perfect roommate! Lisa is quiet and shy, she has stringy hair and hideous clothes. But y'all, she is soooo sweet! Until she turns all batshit crazy. She starts dressing and acting and walking and talking just like Isabella. She even gets the same haircut and starts lusting after Isabella's boyfriend, Danny. Plus she's becoming besties with Jessica, Isabella's BFF. So, you know, chick goes all Single White Female. Isabella starts to realize homegirl is out of her gourd and wants to distance herself from Lisa. But Lisa is crazy, y'all. And she "won't be ignored, Dan."
So Lisa tells lies and turns all of Isabella's peeps against her. She molests Danny in the middle of the night. Then she kills Isabella's cat. Yes. SHE KILLS HER CAT! THROWS IT OFF THE BALCONY! Just throws it right off!
But Isabella learns that Lisa has psychological problems because she "accidentally" killed her twin sister when she was younger and all this time that Isabella thought Lisa transferred from a school in New York she was really in a mental institution. Lisa figures out that Isabella now knows her secret and she is pissed. So she ties her up and makes her write a suicide note but Isabella escapes and ends up in the basement but Lisa finds her and takes her up to the tenth floor. The police are closing in on her crazy ass. But suddenly Lisa gets all head-trippy and thinks her dead sister is calling to her from the elevator shaft. She goes to reunite with Dead Sister and falls down the shaft. And dies. Now Isabella's life can go back to being perfect!
And we feel a little bit bad for Lisa cos all she really wanted was her sister's love. And then we remember: SHE KiLLED A CAT! And we're kinda glad she fell down that elevator shaft.
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Jessica, for having these thoughts after she plans to get Isabella kicked out of Theta house for "stealing" her boyfriend:
Getting Isabella kicked out of the sorority was serious business. It could ruin her college career, Jessica thought guilty. It could ruin her life.Isn't that a little dramatic? At what point would getting kicked out of a sorority "ruin your life."
"I'm sorry, Ms. Ricci. We would hire you for the position but I see here that you were kicked out of your sorority. I'm afraid we have no place for you now at the Law Offices of Dingledouche, Turdburglerton, and Wakefield."
There's an ad in the back of the book for the Sweet Valley High Fan Club! OMG!!! As a member, you'll receive:
a membership card with your own personal fan club ID number! a Sweet Valley High treasure box! Sweet Valley High stationery! official fan club pencil! 3 bookmarks! a "members only" door hanger! 2 skeins of embroidery thread with flower barrette instruction leaflet! 2 editions of The Oracle newsletter! plus exclusive shizz like savings and contests! All for only $6.25!
The membership card will look so awesome next to my BSC one!
EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley University: Killer At Sea by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Laurie John.)
Dissecting The Cover:
*Jessica and her boyfriend Nick are all cuddled up on a boat. Nick is wearing really pink swim trunks. It's actually kinda disturbing how really pink they are. But, it was the 90s, I guess that's as good an excuse as any to be seen in really pink swim trunks.
*Hey look! That cloud is shaped like a creepy murderer!
*Yet another Thriller Edition. You feeling the thrill yet?
*Ooh y'all, we could win a beach vacation! I'd like to know how many people entered this contest after reading this book. It's not a great endorsement for beachy fun. (see reason for my wondering in Lets Review.)
This week Jessica is dating Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World. But who gives a shit if he's no good at detecting!? Because he is so hot, y'all! He's got emerald green eyes, a hot body and a penis. And a boat! He's gonna take Jess on a mini vacay so he can relax after completely botching a kidnapping negotiation because he is The Worst Detective In The World. It'll be just the two of them and the great, vast ocean.
But, oh no, there's some dude named Eric and he needs their help. His boat is on fire and his girlfriend is dead. So Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World leaves his girlfriend on a boat that she can't pilot, out in the middle of nowhere with a large stranger that gives her the uh oh feeling so that he can go play hero and try to rescue a woman that is reportedly dead. Because he is The Worst Detective In The World.
So, surprise surprise, Eric turns out to be a homicidal maniac. And after about 2 seconds of hanging out with Jessica Wakefield he realizes that he's in love with her and he won't let anyone stand in his way of being with her. Especially not Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World.
Meanwhile, on the S.S. Distraction, Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World FiNALLY figures out that Eric is cra-za-zee. He finds Eric's dead girlfriend and, yep, she's actually dead which means he rowed his dumb ass all the way out here, leaving his own girlfriend in the clutches of a loon, for absolutely NOTHiNG. Then he finds a videotape and discovers that Dead Girlfriend is actually the woman from the botched kidnapping! Which makes Eric the kidnapper! Holy Shizz! We knew that like 100 pages ago because, unlike Nick Fox, we are not The Worst Detective In The World!
Back on The Unrequited Love Boat, Jess tries to go along with Crazy Eric's craziness so as not to rock the boat, as it were. But, as I may have mentioned, Eric is crazy and thus he goes crazy. Jessica manages to throw him overboard and thinks that she's finally safe. Wrong! Eric gets caught on the ladder and pulls himself up onto the boat and hides in the bathroom.
Meanwhile, back on dry land, Elizabeth is concerned for Jessica's safety after receiving a terrifying call that ended with a splash. She meets Matt, an extremely sexy boat-haver and convinces him to take her to the middle of the ocean to find her sister. But instead of finding The Unrequited Love Boat, they find the S.S. Distraction first. They save Nick's stupid ass from nearly drowning.
They finally find The Unrequited Love Boat and "save" Jessica, not knowing that Eric is nestled sweetly between the toilet and the sink below deck.
Sexy Sailor Matt tows the boat, Eric sneaks up on Elizabeth thinking that she's Jessica and starts strangling her. The real Jessica sees this and tells Nick Fox: The Worst Detective In The World to go Do Something. So Nick tries to kick Eric's ass but it turns out that Nick is not only The Worst Detective In The World but he's also The Sissiest Fighter There Ever Was. While Nick's getting his balls handed to him, Jess is trying to revive Liz. She finally succeeds and they come up with a plan to save Useless Detective Nick. Jessica, I shit you not, PRETENDS TO BE A GHOST and scares this roughian while Liz sneaks up on him and hits him over the head with a deck chair, knocking him out. Elizabeth ties him up while Jessica tends to the wounds of Nick Fox: World's Biggest Pussy.
The police are waiting at the marina, ready to haul Eric off to prison. Nick is congratulated on a job well done even though Jessica is the one that distracted Eric and Liz is the one that whacked him over the head with a chair and tied him up and the only thing Nick did was nearly bleed to death. Because he is The Worst Detective In The World!
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Jessica, for her description of Eric after learning his boat was on fire and his girlfriend was dead:
Poor Eric, Jessica thought, her spirits leaden as she searched through the storage compartment for a thermal blanket to warm him. He's so young and good-looking, with so much to live for. I don't know how anyone could survive a tragedy like that.Luckily he's so young and good-looking so it shouldn't be that hard for him to find someone new to bone. Thank goodness he'll be ok.
There's a part of the form to Win A Beach Vacation that I find equal parts hilarious and absurd. I'll get to that in a minute.
First, I'd like to say that I'm totally peeved that I missed the cutoff date, which was September 26th, 1997.
Second, check out the price differential between Grand and First:
Grand Prize= trip for two to Miami estimated at $2000.
First Prize= Sweet Valley books estimated at $3.99.
Way to dig deep, Bantam Doubleday Dell.
And finally, this is the hilarious/absurd part which I will write as it is written:
The winner, if Canadian, will be required to answer correctly a time-limited arithmetic skill question in order to receive the prize.
WHAT?!?! What in the fuck does that even mean? If you're Canadian you have to solve a math problem before you can go to Miami? Is like, if one Canadian takes a plane to Miami going 550 mph and another Canadian is on a flight going 60o mph with 2 layovers, which Canadian will arrive in Miami first?
I don't have the answer. I'm glad I'm not Canadian though because I suck at math and thus I'd never get to Miami.
Anyhoo, that concludes April's Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge reviews. Be sure to check in next month for even more old-timey book goodness. ;)