The Christopher Pike Mini Drinking Game
Take a shot whenever one or more of the following occurs:
*a stupidly named character is introduced.
*the teen or teens that have done A Bad Thing don't get punished for said Bad Thing.
*someone mysteriously dies/disappears exactly one year ago.
*someone suddenly wants to solve the death/disappearance of exactly one year ago.
*there are way too many characters in the scene to keep up with.
Now get ready to get your drank on!
EvilEva reviews...... Scavenger Hunt by Christopher Pike.
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Three tackily dressed teens are all "what the what?!" at footprints in a graveyard. Which is odd since there was no talk of footprints nor graveyards in this book.
*The tagline to this tale reads:
Pray they don't find what they're looking for...Um, they're looking for clues so they can win a trip to Hawaii, they're not looking for One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff. Take it down a notch, book cover.
Lets Review:
It's the end of the school year, y'all. And you know what that means... time for a scavenger hunt apparently! Teacher/weirdo Mr. Partridge (who didn't tour the country making sweet, sweet music on a multi-colored bus with his family that also happens to be a band) placed clues all over the city. The first team to find all 10 clues will win a one week all expense paid vacay to Hawaii! Yay!
Carl is excited to join his BFF who may have been kicked in the head or something, Tom; his slutty stupidly-named crush, Cessy and Cessy's DoucheMcNugget brother, Davey.
But Tracie really wants Carl to join her team which consists of her BFF Paula and Paula's wheelchair-bound younger bro, Rick, cos Tracie has totes had a crush on Carl forevs.
But Carl lets his boner be his guide and chooses Cessy's team over Tracie's. Foreshadowing Alert- big mistake, Carl.
So the teams set out to scavenge it up. But they both get stuck on a clue. Perhaps frozen milk products will help jump start their brains. So Tracie goes to get everyone ice cream. But holy creepy fucking shit, Batman! Tracie spies Cessy totally making out with..... her own brother!?! So Tracie heads back to the group wondering how she started out in a Christopher Pike novel and has now somehow stumbled into a V.C. Andrews one.
Anyhoodles, Carl's team figures the clue out first and heads for the desert. And that is when shizz starts getting heavy, y'all. There's a weird purple house that reeks and a freaky lizard with black blood and Cessy and Davey start acting odd. Like odder than licking your brother's face odd.
They have lead Carl to the place where he and his former BFF Joe went for a hike A Year Ago. Well A Year Ago there was a terrible storm, they were stuck in a gully, Carl made it to higher ground, Joe didn't, he got washed away and Carl has felt guilty ever since. So it's pretty much the last place Carl wants to be.
Why exactly have these icky siblings brought Carl here? Well because this area also happens to be where the mine/cave/whatever where the lizard people make their sacrifices so they can live forever is located. Yeah. Lizard people. Cessy and Davey are lizard people. And Joe washed into their mine/cave/whatever and so they brought him back to life as Tom. Yeah. Tom is Joe! And they plan on sacrificing Carl so they can continue being incestuously creepy forever.
But then Tracie's team arrives to save the day! But oh noes! Cessy kills Rick! And now they're gonna kill Carl. But Carl hauls ass and ends up in a church. He confesses his sins to a priest. The lizard twins show up and kill the priest. And now it's time for a showdown in the church.
But Cessy has apparently been touched by Jesus cos suddenly she's communicating with the girls- telepathically- how to kill Davey McDoucheface. Tracie douses him with vodka (which I believe there is a great abundance of at every church), Paula goes to light his ass on fire but Davey is too quick and knocks the lighter from her hand.
Then he turns around to Cessy so he can gloat. Bad move, dickhead. Cos Carl straight-up stabs this mofo! Davey is done for. We forgive Cessy for killing Rick and making out with her douchey brother cos she kinda ended up saving everyone. Tom/Joe has to leave for reasons I don't quite understand. Paula has a sad over that. And Carl realizes that even though Tracie isn't as hot as Cessy at least she's not part lizard. And Tracie should feel super lucky for winning such a prize. *hits sarcasm button*
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Tracie for being so totally 80s:
Besides the finest selection of videos in town, it had tons of records, cassettes and CDs. Of course, very few people in Express could afford a CD player, so they wouldn't be selling too many of those.Oh well, that doesn't matter. I'm almost positive this whole "compact disc" thing isn't going to catch on. No way! Everyone knows that 8 tracks are gonna be the wave of the future. Fuck musical devices that allow me to listen to any song I want at any time I want to listen to it! Who needs the option to fast forward or, crazier still, completely skip a song you don't like altogether?! 8 tracks, baby, 8 tracks!
Circa: 1992.
Dissecting The Cover:
*There's a guy hunched over a computer whom I'm guessing is supposed to be Marvin, our teenage YA author/millionaire/protagonist even though the guy appears to have a few gray hairs and the beginnings of a bald spot. Sexy on any teenage boy, no?
*The computer he's hunched over is very 90s. The keyboard is connected to the computer by one of those spiral-y phone cord-looking cables. Plus it's got a slot for floppy disks. Floppy disks!
*Oh and there's a dead chick in a hideous outfit dead on the floor.
*The tagline reads:
He wrote about his own murder...WTF? How did he do that? Is he a zombie author?
Lets Review:
Marvin Summer is Mack Slate, YA horror writer extraordinaire! But shhh don't tell cos he doesn't want anyone to know. He's like the 90s Hannah Montana. Except instead of singing horrible pop songs and being related to the mullet-headed Billy Ray Cyrus, Marvin writes horrible books and is the son of an alcoholic and a doucheface. But don't cry for him Argentina cos Marvin is a best-seller! He's got serious bank and a motorcycle! Now if he could just get up the courage to ask hotsy-totsy Shelly out on a date and finish his highly anticipated final book which he hasn't even started yet.
Marvin decides to put the book-writing on the back burner cos really that's only paying his bills and all. Instead he's gonna fast-track asking Shelly out cos she's got like, a magical vagina or something. So he asks her out and she agrees even though she's still semi upset/fragile/grieving over what happened to her boyfriend Harry A Year Ago. See, everyone thinks Harry committed suicide cos he was found floating in the lake. But Shelly thinks that he was murdered. And for some reason she wants her new boyfriend to help her find the possible killer of her old boyfriend. Cos that's not weird at all.
Well Marvin wants to be all up in Shelly's vaghole so he'll agree to pretty much anything she asks of him. So Marvin starts doing research, reading police reports and autopsy reports which I'm so sure are readily available to the viewing public.
Marvin goes to see Shelly to discuss Harry's not-suicide and also to hopefully behold her magical vagina. But he finds her in the hot tub canoodling with the stupidly-named Triad, resident jock and former best friend of the very dead Harry.
Marvin is crushed. And now he wants to kill Triad. Plus he thinks he's figured out what happened to Harry A Year Ago:
Much like Ross and Rachel, Shelly and Harry Were On A BREAK!!!, so Shelly decided to slum it with Marvin. Marvin thinks that this probably infuriated Harry so he thinks that Harry decided to rig this elaborate rope and oil doohickey in order to trip Marvin right off his bike and kill him for stealing Shelly and her magical vagina. He apparently got this plan by consulting the Acme Guide To Good Ideas by Wile E. Coyote.
Anyhoo, Marvin thinks that something went terribly wrong. (No shit, Marvin, he died.) He thinks that the rope slipped and Harry accidentally hung himself then fell in the river and was washed to the lake.
So, since clearly this plan worked out so well for Harry, *hits sarcasm button* Marvin decides to sell his motorcycle to Triad and rig the EXACT SAME ROPE AND OIL SCENARIO for him! Only I'm assuming he's hoping for slightly better results.
So Triad's scooting along on Marvin's bike and Marvin is getting ready to kill him but then Marvin notices that Shelly and her magical vagina are also on the bike! Oh noes! The love of his life that cheated on him within the first 3 days they got together! And her magical vagina!
So Marvin drops the rope and screams her name. But the bike hits the oil and starts to slide. Having dropped the rope, Marvin slips and nearly falls off the bridge to his death just like Harry. Triad and Shelly are ok but now Triad wants to cut the rope and send Marvin crashing to the waters below. Shelly and her magical vagina try to stop him but Triad will not be stopped so, like a proper gentleman that doesn't want to have his date see him get violent, he knocks her out. Her vagina loses some of its power.
Triad and Marvin scuffle. Triad finally cuts the rope. But Marvin grabs onto a piece of wood underneath the bridge and fakes like he falls. When Triad goes to make sure that Marvin is done in for reals he gets Marvin's boot to his face.
Marvin manages to get back on the bridge. Shelly finally comes to. Triad grabs her and threatens to kill her.
But Marvin has learned his lesson about magical vaginas. They're not all that they're cracked up to be. And sometimes they canoodle with other dudes business in hot tubs. So he's all "meh. go ahead and kill her." And he jumps on his hog and leaves town to finish his book.
He finally does and comes back and announces to his school and the world that he is Mack Slate cos he's tired of living a lie or whatever but really just wants to get the recognition and perhaps the chance to find some other magical vagina.
But he can't help wonder what happened to Shelly. And her magical vagina. And Triad.
He goes to the lake to think and who should he come across but none other than Shelly with her magical vag in tow. She killed Triad (and suffered NO consequences for doing so, mind you.) whom, it turns out, had killed Harry last year because the allure of Shelly's vagina is so strong that it can cause a guy to kill his own best friend, lie about it for a year, then totally try to date the aforementioned best friend's girlfriend after killing the aforementioned best friend.
Instead of being completely horrified that his lady love is a straight-up murderess, Marvin makes out with her and dreams of some day writing a novel dedicated to Shelly's magical Georgia O'Keefe.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Triad, for trying out his own brand of justice:
"You tried to kill us. That's a capitol offense. You have to pay for it. You have to die."Yeah. I know little to nothing about legalese but I'm pretty sure that's not how the death penalty works.
That's all the nostalgia I've got for you this month.
Man. Reading Christopher Pike has me kind of exhausted, you guys. I think next month I'll go for something a little lighter. Perhaps I'll finally start the BSC: Little Sister series.
Got comments? Dish any and all shizz below.
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