Monday, August 29, 2011
EvilEva's Trailer Park Presents: The Hunger Games Teaser Trailer
When they said "teaser" they weren't kidding, huh? Just a lot of Jennifer Lawrence running through the woods.
But who really cares cos at least we finally have something! i can't wait until we get more. Maybe some bits from the Capitol, a little Peeta, a little Rue, shots of District 12, and can i please get a little Haymitch?!
Truthfully though, this could have simply been Jennifer Lawrence taking a stroll through the woods sans the bow and arrow, talking to squirrels and i'd still totally wanna see this movie.
So. Now that we've finally got it, what do y'all think? Sound off in the comments section.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 8 Part 2 Reviews
It's time for Part 2 of our Sweet Valley adventure! So lets call shotgun and load up in the 1BRUCE1 and head over for a shopping spree at Lisette's, shall we?
EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #60: That Fatal Night by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate Williams, who apparently just added an S to the end of her last name.)
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Uh oh. These two look serious. And based on the name of the book, I'm gonna assume that some kind of serious shizz goes down. Maybe someone dies!
*The chick on the cover, who i guess is supposed to be Terri, kinda looks like the mean teenage daughter who is NOT Gabby Hoffmann in Uncle Buck. She also appears to have man hands. Or man hand, as the case may be.
*Why do all the guys on the SVH books look so douchey? Ken looks like a douchey robot with great hair.
Lets Review:
Amy Sutton is totally hot for Ken Matthews..... letterman jacket. Yeah Amy is pretty much a slut that only likes Ken because he's the star quarterback for the Sweet Valley Gladiators.
Unlike sweet, shy Terri Adams who likes Ken for his unique Kenness.
But crafty Amy puts her paws all over Ken at the victory party she throws for him after Sweet Valley's big win, giving everyone the impression that they're totes going steady.
Terri is devastated and wants to go home and emo out over Ken's unsingleness. So she asks Winston (who i hate) for a ride. But Winston's car is in the shop so he too must bum a ride. And who is he bumming this ride from? None other then Ken Matthews! I imagine there is much brick shitting from Terri at this moment.
So Ken drops off Winston (who I hate) and his gf Maria, at Winston's house. P.S. it would behoove you to know that it is pouring rain. Terri is presumably still shitting bricks over being alone in close proximity to THE Ken Matthews and is totally bummed that the car ride to her house doesn't last longer.
Ken drops Terri off and heads back out in the storm to the party thrown by Amy The Man-Eater. But oh noes! There's this crazy drunk driver and he's headed right for Ken's car! Ken veers away from the truck to avoid a head-on collision and OH NOES TIMES TWO!, he smashes into a tree!
Ken is rushed to the hospital where he is told that he's blind now. Pour one out for Ken's eyes, y'all.
Amy is a complete hag about Ken's sudden blindness and is only concerned about what this will mean for her social life. But Terri doesn't mind that Ken can no longer see because she liked him for who he was to begin with unlike Amy The A-Hole who has already moved on to the quarterback that replaced Ken on the team. See what I mean? What a hag!
Anyhoosies, Ken spends some time at a rehab facility so that he can learn how to not bump into stuff. After a while he gets to go back to SVH. Ken has a sad cos it's really hard being blind and he's afraid that everyone will treat him differently.
Meanwhile, Terri ties a scarf around her eyes and tries to navigate through her own house so that she can feel what it's like for Ken. And she finds out that it's super hard not being able to see. So she decides to take him to the beach so that he can feel the sun on his skin and the sand on his feet. They have a fun time and Ken starts getting tingly feelings for Terri in his special place. But he thinks there's no way that Terri would ever wanna go out with a blindy.
But Terri does have tingly feelings for Ken. And she thinks there's no way Ken would ever go out with her because it's "her fault" that he's blind in the first place. So they remain Just Friends and Terri starts doing everything for Ken. And Ken has the nerve to act semi-douchey to Terri when she doesn't do what he asks her to do when he asks her to do it.
But after some meddlesome words from Elizabeth (of course), Terri confronts Ken on his douchetastical ways. They yell at each other and Terri admits that she loves Ken and that's why she's been helping him and it hurts her that he's taking advantage of her. Then Terri leaves to go cry alone on a beach somewhere.
Ken feels like a jackhole for depending on Terri so much and for yelling at her. He realizes that he loves her too. So he takes his blind ass to the bus stop and makes his way to their special non-crowded beach to tell her that he's sorry and would like very much to make out with her face.
They have a magical beach apology moment and kiss it up and for one perfect second, Ken catches a glimpse of the sun! His eyesight is coming back! Hooray!
And I suppose those two live happily ever after cos at the end of the book they're running laps together while some lurker named Patty Gilbert looks on jealously because apparently things aren't going so hot with her boyfriend Jim. But that sounds like a problem for another book (like a book titled Boy Trouble for instance.)
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
The author of this book for this bit o' product placement:
Bonus Shizz!:
Sweet Valley wants to know what our New Year's resolution is gonna be! They wanna know how we plan on starting the 90s! And if you have a nonstupid resolution you could win a copy of your fave Sweet Valley book signed by Francine Pascal! Which I guess means whoever actually wrote your fave book will forge Francine Pascal's signature since she apparently can't be bothered to write anything on her own!
EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #62: Who's Who? by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate Williams.)
Circa: 1990.
Dissecting The Cover:
*OMG! Its mistaken identity twin hijinks time!
*Jessica looks like a hot ass mess. She's got horrible hair which she's put one blue streak in. If Jessica was as adventurous as she keeps insisting she is then she would've dyed all of her hair blue not just a little bitch squiggle. Her eyebrows also look like hell. And her eyes kinda look like Sloth's from The Goonies. No offense to Sloth.
*Jessica is also wearing a truly hideous necklace/earrings set. It's neon fish. Yeah. Neon fish. What the what?!?!
*Elizabeth is wearing an ugly jacket and beret and holding her head while looking over at Jess like "I am so embarrassed to have the same face as you right now." And while Jessica does look all sorts of ridiculous, you're still wearing a shiny grey jacket and a beret, Liz, so I wouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, you're throwing them at the person that drew y'all cos he made you look totally ugg-o.
Lets Review:
Jessica Wakefield schemes again! This time she is soooo done with all the immature SVH boys that she's already tried her vagina out on. She wants someone new and exciting! So Jess is super psyched when she finds the Lovestruck Computer Dating service in the mall! Which specializes in teens! Because nothing lasts forever like teen romances!
So Jessica fills out two applications. One as Daniella Fromage, a foreign film-loving, poetry-reading, French cuisine-eating world traveler that is sophisticated and intellectual and is oddly enough like Jessica's snooty sorority sister, Suzanne Hanlon.
The other application she fills out as Magenta Galaxy, a wild rocker chick that loves fast cars, fashion and dancing the night away at the hottest clubs and sounds suspiciously like the lead singer of SVH's rock band The Droids, Dana Larson.
Soon enough, Jess gets calls from two different boys wanting to take both her new personalities out on a date.
First, "Daniella Fromage" has a date with Pierre Du Lac. So Jess goes to Suzanne to get pointers on how to act all sophisticated and well-traveled and shit. She also borrows some of Suzanne's designer duds.
Jessica goes out with Pierre and is completely won over by how fucking hot he is! Conversing with him is kind of odd though because he doesn't seem to speak a lick of French and he thought that Fellini was a pasta dish. But who gives a fuck! He's so hot, y'all!
Next Jessica gets a call from Brett S. He wants to take "Magenta Galaxy" to a club to listen to super loud rock music. So Jess uses Dana much in the same way she used Suzanne, borrowing accessories from her and getting a crash course in rock n roll. Jess goes out with Brett and omg!, he's super hot too! But he seems kinda weird cos he doesn't know that one band that Jessica asked him about. But, yet again, who cares! He's soooo cute!
Meanwhile, Elizabeth really wants a special dress for the Valentine's dance. She finds the perfect one but is too chicken shit to put it on her parents credit card. So Jessica tells her that it's too perfect for her to not get it so she'll foot half the bill and Liz can just pay her back later. Oh look. It's later. And through a mishap involving a sleepy Lila, Jessica is now double booked for the same day! And she can't do something simple like cancel on the guy that she can actually call. No way! She must now go on both dates. But that sounds so hard. If only there were a girl with the same face that owed her a favor. Oh wait! There is!
So Jessica convinces Liz to dress as Daniella while she's dressed as Magenta. Liz will have dinner with Pierre for 15 minutes then meet Jessica in the bathroom where they'll switch accessories and then switch dates. This should in no way end up a disaster.
Except Liz doesn't like either of the guys. She thinks they're both fakes. And since Liz ALWAYS has to meddle, she totally ruins both dates and subsequently Jessica's life.
When the twins get home from the horrible dates, Jess gives Liz the silent treatment. The next morning she huffs out of the house to go let off some steam playing tennis with Cara Walker. And whatdaya know, she finds a cute tennis player there that she decides to flirt with. As herself, of course.
Back at the Wakefield Casa, Elizabeth tries once more to earn her Meddling Merit Badge. She calls Pierre and Bret and tells them to meet Jess at their house to talk.
Jessica comes back and forgives Liz for being a meddlesome bitch since she's found another hot guy she can lay on for a while. Then she discovers that Liz has been meddling while she's been flirting. Pierre is at the door! He tells Jess that she was right when she (or rather Liz) called him a fake. He was using the dating service to find someone different and exciting just like Jessica was! Then Brett comes over. And he's a big fat phony too! He was also looking for someone new.
Then Suzanne and Dana come over to collect their things that Jessica has filched. Jess goes upstairs to get their shit and when she comes back she finds that Pierre, who was actually more like Jessica's Magenta character, talking with Dana! And Brett, who was actually more like Jessica's Daniella character, is talking with Suzanne!
They all leave together but Jess doesn't care cos she snagged a buff tennis player just by being herself! So Suzanne and Dana can have her castoffs!
Also, Elizabeth found out that she's a wet blanket and completely unadventurous and all of her friends totally already knew this about her. So to prove them wrong she paints her toenails bright red and gets a hideous perm. Yeah Liz, that'll show 'em!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
The author for giving us the scoop on what Elizabeth does in her free time:
Although truthfully the most ridiculous thing in this entire book was that Jessica named her alter egos Magenta Galaxy and Daniella Fromage. However, I actually scoffed when I read that recorder line so I knew I had to share that one with y'all.
That's all the nostalgia I can fit into this month but be sure to check back in September for an all new Flashback Challenge! Until then, if y'all have any ideas what books would be a snarksters gold mine be sure to dish that shizz in the comments section.
EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #60: That Fatal Night by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate Williams, who apparently just added an S to the end of her last name.)
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Uh oh. These two look serious. And based on the name of the book, I'm gonna assume that some kind of serious shizz goes down. Maybe someone dies!
*The chick on the cover, who i guess is supposed to be Terri, kinda looks like the mean teenage daughter who is NOT Gabby Hoffmann in Uncle Buck. She also appears to have man hands. Or man hand, as the case may be.
*Why do all the guys on the SVH books look so douchey? Ken looks like a douchey robot with great hair.
Lets Review:
Amy Sutton is totally hot for Ken Matthews..... letterman jacket. Yeah Amy is pretty much a slut that only likes Ken because he's the star quarterback for the Sweet Valley Gladiators.
Unlike sweet, shy Terri Adams who likes Ken for his unique Kenness.
But crafty Amy puts her paws all over Ken at the victory party she throws for him after Sweet Valley's big win, giving everyone the impression that they're totes going steady.
Terri is devastated and wants to go home and emo out over Ken's unsingleness. So she asks Winston (who i hate) for a ride. But Winston's car is in the shop so he too must bum a ride. And who is he bumming this ride from? None other then Ken Matthews! I imagine there is much brick shitting from Terri at this moment.
So Ken drops off Winston (who I hate) and his gf Maria, at Winston's house. P.S. it would behoove you to know that it is pouring rain. Terri is presumably still shitting bricks over being alone in close proximity to THE Ken Matthews and is totally bummed that the car ride to her house doesn't last longer.
Ken drops Terri off and heads back out in the storm to the party thrown by Amy The Man-Eater. But oh noes! There's this crazy drunk driver and he's headed right for Ken's car! Ken veers away from the truck to avoid a head-on collision and OH NOES TIMES TWO!, he smashes into a tree!
Ken is rushed to the hospital where he is told that he's blind now. Pour one out for Ken's eyes, y'all.
Amy is a complete hag about Ken's sudden blindness and is only concerned about what this will mean for her social life. But Terri doesn't mind that Ken can no longer see because she liked him for who he was to begin with unlike Amy The A-Hole who has already moved on to the quarterback that replaced Ken on the team. See what I mean? What a hag!
Anyhoosies, Ken spends some time at a rehab facility so that he can learn how to not bump into stuff. After a while he gets to go back to SVH. Ken has a sad cos it's really hard being blind and he's afraid that everyone will treat him differently.
Meanwhile, Terri ties a scarf around her eyes and tries to navigate through her own house so that she can feel what it's like for Ken. And she finds out that it's super hard not being able to see. So she decides to take him to the beach so that he can feel the sun on his skin and the sand on his feet. They have a fun time and Ken starts getting tingly feelings for Terri in his special place. But he thinks there's no way that Terri would ever wanna go out with a blindy.
But Terri does have tingly feelings for Ken. And she thinks there's no way Ken would ever go out with her because it's "her fault" that he's blind in the first place. So they remain Just Friends and Terri starts doing everything for Ken. And Ken has the nerve to act semi-douchey to Terri when she doesn't do what he asks her to do when he asks her to do it.
But after some meddlesome words from Elizabeth (of course), Terri confronts Ken on his douchetastical ways. They yell at each other and Terri admits that she loves Ken and that's why she's been helping him and it hurts her that he's taking advantage of her. Then Terri leaves to go cry alone on a beach somewhere.
Ken feels like a jackhole for depending on Terri so much and for yelling at her. He realizes that he loves her too. So he takes his blind ass to the bus stop and makes his way to their special non-crowded beach to tell her that he's sorry and would like very much to make out with her face.
They have a magical beach apology moment and kiss it up and for one perfect second, Ken catches a glimpse of the sun! His eyesight is coming back! Hooray!
And I suppose those two live happily ever after cos at the end of the book they're running laps together while some lurker named Patty Gilbert looks on jealously because apparently things aren't going so hot with her boyfriend Jim. But that sounds like a problem for another book (like a book titled Boy Trouble for instance.)
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
The author of this book for this bit o' product placement:
"Todd, isn't that a white Toyota? Like Ken's?" Elizabeth asked.Why do I want a Toyota all of a sudden?
Todd stopped the car and stared at the wreckage. The front end of the white car was crumpled up like an accordion. The windshield had a gaping hole in it, and there was shattered glass everywhere.
"It's a Toyota all right," Todd said.
Elizabeth strained to see the back of the Toyota as they slowly passed by.
Bonus Shizz!:
Sweet Valley wants to know what our New Year's resolution is gonna be! They wanna know how we plan on starting the 90s! And if you have a nonstupid resolution you could win a copy of your fave Sweet Valley book signed by Francine Pascal! Which I guess means whoever actually wrote your fave book will forge Francine Pascal's signature since she apparently can't be bothered to write anything on her own!
Circa: 1990.
Dissecting The Cover:
*OMG! Its mistaken identity twin hijinks time!
*Jessica looks like a hot ass mess. She's got horrible hair which she's put one blue streak in. If Jessica was as adventurous as she keeps insisting she is then she would've dyed all of her hair blue not just a little bitch squiggle. Her eyebrows also look like hell. And her eyes kinda look like Sloth's from The Goonies. No offense to Sloth.
*Jessica is also wearing a truly hideous necklace/earrings set. It's neon fish. Yeah. Neon fish. What the what?!?!
*Elizabeth is wearing an ugly jacket and beret and holding her head while looking over at Jess like "I am so embarrassed to have the same face as you right now." And while Jessica does look all sorts of ridiculous, you're still wearing a shiny grey jacket and a beret, Liz, so I wouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, you're throwing them at the person that drew y'all cos he made you look totally ugg-o.
Lets Review:
Jessica Wakefield schemes again! This time she is soooo done with all the immature SVH boys that she's already tried her vagina out on. She wants someone new and exciting! So Jess is super psyched when she finds the Lovestruck Computer Dating service in the mall! Which specializes in teens! Because nothing lasts forever like teen romances!
So Jessica fills out two applications. One as Daniella Fromage, a foreign film-loving, poetry-reading, French cuisine-eating world traveler that is sophisticated and intellectual and is oddly enough like Jessica's snooty sorority sister, Suzanne Hanlon.
The other application she fills out as Magenta Galaxy, a wild rocker chick that loves fast cars, fashion and dancing the night away at the hottest clubs and sounds suspiciously like the lead singer of SVH's rock band The Droids, Dana Larson.
Soon enough, Jess gets calls from two different boys wanting to take both her new personalities out on a date.
First, "Daniella Fromage" has a date with Pierre Du Lac. So Jess goes to Suzanne to get pointers on how to act all sophisticated and well-traveled and shit. She also borrows some of Suzanne's designer duds.
Jessica goes out with Pierre and is completely won over by how fucking hot he is! Conversing with him is kind of odd though because he doesn't seem to speak a lick of French and he thought that Fellini was a pasta dish. But who gives a fuck! He's so hot, y'all!
Next Jessica gets a call from Brett S. He wants to take "Magenta Galaxy" to a club to listen to super loud rock music. So Jess uses Dana much in the same way she used Suzanne, borrowing accessories from her and getting a crash course in rock n roll. Jess goes out with Brett and omg!, he's super hot too! But he seems kinda weird cos he doesn't know that one band that Jessica asked him about. But, yet again, who cares! He's soooo cute!
Meanwhile, Elizabeth really wants a special dress for the Valentine's dance. She finds the perfect one but is too chicken shit to put it on her parents credit card. So Jessica tells her that it's too perfect for her to not get it so she'll foot half the bill and Liz can just pay her back later. Oh look. It's later. And through a mishap involving a sleepy Lila, Jessica is now double booked for the same day! And she can't do something simple like cancel on the guy that she can actually call. No way! She must now go on both dates. But that sounds so hard. If only there were a girl with the same face that owed her a favor. Oh wait! There is!
So Jessica convinces Liz to dress as Daniella while she's dressed as Magenta. Liz will have dinner with Pierre for 15 minutes then meet Jessica in the bathroom where they'll switch accessories and then switch dates. This should in no way end up a disaster.
Except Liz doesn't like either of the guys. She thinks they're both fakes. And since Liz ALWAYS has to meddle, she totally ruins both dates and subsequently Jessica's life.
When the twins get home from the horrible dates, Jess gives Liz the silent treatment. The next morning she huffs out of the house to go let off some steam playing tennis with Cara Walker. And whatdaya know, she finds a cute tennis player there that she decides to flirt with. As herself, of course.
Back at the Wakefield Casa, Elizabeth tries once more to earn her Meddling Merit Badge. She calls Pierre and Bret and tells them to meet Jess at their house to talk.
Jessica comes back and forgives Liz for being a meddlesome bitch since she's found another hot guy she can lay on for a while. Then she discovers that Liz has been meddling while she's been flirting. Pierre is at the door! He tells Jess that she was right when she (or rather Liz) called him a fake. He was using the dating service to find someone different and exciting just like Jessica was! Then Brett comes over. And he's a big fat phony too! He was also looking for someone new.
Then Suzanne and Dana come over to collect their things that Jessica has filched. Jess goes upstairs to get their shit and when she comes back she finds that Pierre, who was actually more like Jessica's Magenta character, talking with Dana! And Brett, who was actually more like Jessica's Daniella character, is talking with Suzanne!
They all leave together but Jess doesn't care cos she snagged a buff tennis player just by being herself! So Suzanne and Dana can have her castoffs!
Also, Elizabeth found out that she's a wet blanket and completely unadventurous and all of her friends totally already knew this about her. So to prove them wrong she paints her toenails bright red and gets a hideous perm. Yeah Liz, that'll show 'em!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
The author for giving us the scoop on what Elizabeth does in her free time:
Elizabeth was practicing her recorder when she heard Jessica bounding up the stairs.Who over the age of 10 even plays the recorder much less is up in their room practicing on the stupid thing? I mean, how good do you wanna be at playing Hot Cross Buns?
Although truthfully the most ridiculous thing in this entire book was that Jessica named her alter egos Magenta Galaxy and Daniella Fromage. However, I actually scoffed when I read that recorder line so I knew I had to share that one with y'all.
That's all the nostalgia I can fit into this month but be sure to check back in September for an all new Flashback Challenge! Until then, if y'all have any ideas what books would be a snarksters gold mine be sure to dish that shizz in the comments section.
Friday, August 19, 2011
The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 8 Part 1 Reviews
It's that time again. Time to kick it old skool, friends! This month we're going back to Sweet Valley. I've reviewed a little Sweet Valley Twins and Sweet Valley University but I have yet to review any of the truly epic Sweet Valley High. So this month is Sweet Valley High month here at the Nancy Drew Is My Homegirl blog! So jump in your Fiat and lets head over to The Dairi Burger to see what's happening with our favorite twins!
EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate William.)
Circa: 1985.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Ugh. These covers are kinda hard to make fun of because there isn't really anything on them. Just stupid teenagers.
*The stupid teenagers on this cover are Regina Morrow and Bruce Patman. Bruce looks like a huge tool. The look on his face seems to be saying "Damn, I look good. If only Regina were a mirror then I could be embracing my own sexy ass self." And his hair has been totally Vidal Sassooned to within an inch of its life.
*What's up with Bruce's arms? They're like a completely different color than his face. It's like, "Tonight the role of Bruce Patman's arms will be played by Taye Diggs."
*Regina's clothing choice isn't actually that bad. Especially considering it's the 80s.
Lets Review:
Guess what, y'all. Regina Morrow, who is sooo good at reading lips it's almost like she's not even deaf at all, and Bruce Patman, who could die in a fiery plane crash and no one in Sweet Valley would even weep, are totes in love! Which is so cray cray cos Regina is sooo unbelievably nice and Bruce is such a doucheface. But it's true. They are sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! And everyone in school is totally impressed that Regina was able to "fix" Bruce from his douchetastical ways. Everyone except our girl Jessica Wakefield. Seeing Bruce and Regina all together and happy makes Jess wanna vomit on her chunky black heels. So she hatches a plan to tear the happy couple apart with the added bonus of getting Lila to do her 15 page history paper for her! There's NO WAY this plan can go awry!
How does Jess plan on convincing Regina that Bruce is just no good? Well certainly not by explaining to her how Bruce Patman is. But by doing something completely stupid which would never in a million years break a couple up unless one or both of said couple was a complete idiot. Jessica tells Regina that Bruce is running for some kind of lame-o, made-up presidency and that the only reason he was dating her was so that he could become even more popular and get even more votes and win this lame-o, made-up election. Which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But Regina can't hear, y'all. So I guess it's all in the inflection that makes this idea sound so dumb because Regina totally buys into it and breaks up with Bruce cos he was using her and also because he didn't tell her he was running for president to begin with.
Jessica wins the bet and probably smirks. So Lila is stuck doing Jessica's history paper in addition to her own. But Lila's no dummy, y'all. She does a half-assed job on Jessica's which gets Jess a D, while Lila gets a B. And Jess is so pissed even though when they made this bet at the beginning of the book I was thinking, "someone's bout to get screwed over." Looks like I was right. Hooray for predictable plotlines!
Anyhoosies, back to the love birds. Regina's family found a doctor in Switzerland that can cure deafness. But Regina would have to go to Switzerland NOW and live there for an entire year. At first, Regina flat out refuses because she can't bear to be away from Bruce and his awesome feathered hair. But then they have that lame-o fight about that lame-o, made-up presidency so, having nothing left to live for, Regina heads off to Switzerland. But not before Elizabeth can meddle. Because Bruce wrote a letter explaining that he would never use Regina and he signed up to run for lame-o, made-up president 5 days ago and he's been dating her for weeks and he loves her with every fiber of his being and that's why he had Liz slip the letter in Regina's suitcase instead of just handing it to her because he wants Regina to go to Switzerland and get cured because he loves her so fucking much. And he'd love for her to finally hear how husky his voice is when he whispers sweet nothings in her ear.
Regina finds the letter while she's on the plane and her heart grew three sizes that day. And she can't wait to get back to Sweet Valley with her new ears in one year so that she can be reunited with Bruce Patman: Love Of Her Life. (Yeah, like Bruce and his boner are gonna wait a whole year for you! Keep dreaming, sister!)
Meanwhile and not really pertaining to the Regina/Bruce situation, Elizabeth is busy bossing her friends around as per usual. The school is having a carnival to raise money for handicapped children and of course, Liz is all up in that Kool Aid. So she stresses the fuck out about A CARNIVAL for the entire fucking book! Liz, calm your ass down. You have a game of just throwing a pie at Winston's face. That alone should sell like gang busters! I don't actually know what gang busters are but evidently they sell really well. Anyway, so Liz acts like a complete OCDiva, the carnival is a success and they raise $800 which isn't even that much money considering that every other student that goes to SVH is a millionaire. Way to do it for the kids, Patmans, Morrows, and Fowlers.
At the carnival, the lame-o, made-up president is announced!
And the winner is..... Bruce Patman!
Because Liz felt so bad about being such a bitch about the whole "Bruce might actually love Regina" thing and she found out that he did indeed love her when he asked Liz to deliver the letter, so Liz got all her friends to pity vote for Bruce. Even though their other friend, Ken, actually wanted to be the lame-o, made-up president and had run unopposed for weeks before Brucey Come Lately decided to throw his name in the mix 5 days before the students are to vote, completely ruining EVERYTHING for poor Ken.
Elizabeth is such a bitch! And so is Bruce!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a three-way tie between Lila, Elizabeth and Bruce.
We'll go with Lila's snarky ass comment about how Regina dresses first:
Here's a little inappropriateness, courtesy of Liz describing her fave teacher, local dreamboat, Mr. Collins:
And I saved the best for last! Please enjoy Bruce describing the dumbest reason to run for president:
EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #57: Teacher Crush by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate William.)
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Olivia has Gene Simmons hair!
*She's also rocking some fairly hideous earrings. They look like capital G's. *gasp* For Gene, perhaps? ;)
*The tagline reads:
Olivia really wants a boyfriend. Oh what luck! Sweet Valley High has decided to do a two week long workshop and one of the courses is taught by a hottie mctottie artist named Stuart Bachman. And Olivia is instantly in loooooove! After only one day. Stuart is all Olivia thinks about, talks about, dreams about. Yeah. Olivia is now That Girl. You know the one. That Girl that talks about That Guy so obsessively that it makes you wanna rip off your ears and shove 'em down her throat so she can't talk and you can't hear anymore.
Anyhoo, so Olivia is complete crazycakes. She looks up Stuart's address and drives by his house. She calls his phone whilst they're both at school just to hear his voice on his answering machine. And she thinks that after knowing her for like, a week and some change, that he totally found out when her birthday was and is gonna get her an expensive picture frame as a gift.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Enid obsess over Olivia's obsessively obsessing over Stuart.
Anyhoodles, Olivia eventually finds out that she ain't all that, Stuart only loved her painting not her and he had a girlfriend this whole time whose birthday is the same day as Olivia's and he gave her the expensive picture frame and I feel really jipped cos I was expecting some sexytimes inappropriateness and all I got was a butt ugly jumpsuit, a complete nitwit, and an idiotic subplot of how Jessica "built" a lie detector to humiliate Lila in front of all their friends (don't even ask.)
Eventually though, Olivia realizes that some dude her own age named Rod or Rob or something Rod or Robish has had a crush on her for forevs (or at least since the middle of this book) and so she figures he'll do cos she just REALLY wants a boyfriend, y'all.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
I've got two for you this time.
The first is Enid's response to Elizabeth after she basically calls Enid a liar:
The second comes from Liz. This is her reaction to Enid telling her that she thinks Stuart might be leading Olivia on:
Bonus Shizz!:
Sweet Valley High is now a board game! Woo-hoo! You can race through the halls of SVH, meet the most popular guys and go on 4 super dream dates! *squeals with delight*
Now lets rock, paper, scissors this bitch to find out who gets to be Jessica!
EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Kate William.)
Circa: 1985.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Ugh. These covers are kinda hard to make fun of because there isn't really anything on them. Just stupid teenagers.
*The stupid teenagers on this cover are Regina Morrow and Bruce Patman. Bruce looks like a huge tool. The look on his face seems to be saying "Damn, I look good. If only Regina were a mirror then I could be embracing my own sexy ass self." And his hair has been totally Vidal Sassooned to within an inch of its life.
*What's up with Bruce's arms? They're like a completely different color than his face. It's like, "Tonight the role of Bruce Patman's arms will be played by Taye Diggs."
*Regina's clothing choice isn't actually that bad. Especially considering it's the 80s.
Lets Review:
Guess what, y'all. Regina Morrow, who is sooo good at reading lips it's almost like she's not even deaf at all, and Bruce Patman, who could die in a fiery plane crash and no one in Sweet Valley would even weep, are totes in love! Which is so cray cray cos Regina is sooo unbelievably nice and Bruce is such a doucheface. But it's true. They are sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! And everyone in school is totally impressed that Regina was able to "fix" Bruce from his douchetastical ways. Everyone except our girl Jessica Wakefield. Seeing Bruce and Regina all together and happy makes Jess wanna vomit on her chunky black heels. So she hatches a plan to tear the happy couple apart with the added bonus of getting Lila to do her 15 page history paper for her! There's NO WAY this plan can go awry!
How does Jess plan on convincing Regina that Bruce is just no good? Well certainly not by explaining to her how Bruce Patman is. But by doing something completely stupid which would never in a million years break a couple up unless one or both of said couple was a complete idiot. Jessica tells Regina that Bruce is running for some kind of lame-o, made-up presidency and that the only reason he was dating her was so that he could become even more popular and get even more votes and win this lame-o, made-up election. Which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But Regina can't hear, y'all. So I guess it's all in the inflection that makes this idea sound so dumb because Regina totally buys into it and breaks up with Bruce cos he was using her and also because he didn't tell her he was running for president to begin with.
Jessica wins the bet and probably smirks. So Lila is stuck doing Jessica's history paper in addition to her own. But Lila's no dummy, y'all. She does a half-assed job on Jessica's which gets Jess a D, while Lila gets a B. And Jess is so pissed even though when they made this bet at the beginning of the book I was thinking, "someone's bout to get screwed over." Looks like I was right. Hooray for predictable plotlines!
Anyhoosies, back to the love birds. Regina's family found a doctor in Switzerland that can cure deafness. But Regina would have to go to Switzerland NOW and live there for an entire year. At first, Regina flat out refuses because she can't bear to be away from Bruce and his awesome feathered hair. But then they have that lame-o fight about that lame-o, made-up presidency so, having nothing left to live for, Regina heads off to Switzerland. But not before Elizabeth can meddle. Because Bruce wrote a letter explaining that he would never use Regina and he signed up to run for lame-o, made-up president 5 days ago and he's been dating her for weeks and he loves her with every fiber of his being and that's why he had Liz slip the letter in Regina's suitcase instead of just handing it to her because he wants Regina to go to Switzerland and get cured because he loves her so fucking much. And he'd love for her to finally hear how husky his voice is when he whispers sweet nothings in her ear.
Regina finds the letter while she's on the plane and her heart grew three sizes that day. And she can't wait to get back to Sweet Valley with her new ears in one year so that she can be reunited with Bruce Patman: Love Of Her Life. (Yeah, like Bruce and his boner are gonna wait a whole year for you! Keep dreaming, sister!)
Meanwhile and not really pertaining to the Regina/Bruce situation, Elizabeth is busy bossing her friends around as per usual. The school is having a carnival to raise money for handicapped children and of course, Liz is all up in that Kool Aid. So she stresses the fuck out about A CARNIVAL for the entire fucking book! Liz, calm your ass down. You have a game of just throwing a pie at Winston's face. That alone should sell like gang busters! I don't actually know what gang busters are but evidently they sell really well. Anyway, so Liz acts like a complete OCDiva, the carnival is a success and they raise $800 which isn't even that much money considering that every other student that goes to SVH is a millionaire. Way to do it for the kids, Patmans, Morrows, and Fowlers.
At the carnival, the lame-o, made-up president is announced!
And the winner is..... Bruce Patman!
Because Liz felt so bad about being such a bitch about the whole "Bruce might actually love Regina" thing and she found out that he did indeed love her when he asked Liz to deliver the letter, so Liz got all her friends to pity vote for Bruce. Even though their other friend, Ken, actually wanted to be the lame-o, made-up president and had run unopposed for weeks before Brucey Come Lately decided to throw his name in the mix 5 days before the students are to vote, completely ruining EVERYTHING for poor Ken.
Elizabeth is such a bitch! And so is Bruce!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a three-way tie between Lila, Elizabeth and Bruce.
We'll go with Lila's snarky ass comment about how Regina dresses first:
"Just look at her," Lila seethed, pushing food away in disgust. "She looks ridiculous in that purple dress. You'd think she was color blind, not deaf, the way she dresses."Would we expect anything less from Lila? I think not.
Here's a little inappropriateness, courtesy of Liz describing her fave teacher, local dreamboat, Mr. Collins:
Everyone thought Mr. Collins looked like Robert Redford- strawberry blond hair, blue eyes. And he was still young enough to engage the interest of many of his students.Oh I just bet he does. Is there an SVH book in which Liz and Mr. Collins totally fuck? No. Lets face it, if one of the twins ended up having relations with a teacher, it'd totally be Jessica. Slut!
And I saved the best for last! Please enjoy Bruce describing the dumbest reason to run for president:
"The reason I didn't mention that I was running was that I was going to surprise her if I won. It was just something I wanted to do at the last minute. Because I was so happy to live in Sweet Valley after I met Regina," he added softly. "I wanted to give something back to the town."That is the biggest pile of horse shit I've run into in a long time. I feel like I should send Bruce Patman a fruit basket of some sort for that one. Maybe those where they make the fruit look like flowers!
Circa: 1989.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Olivia has Gene Simmons hair!
*She's also rocking some fairly hideous earrings. They look like capital G's. *gasp* For Gene, perhaps? ;)
*The tagline reads:
Has Olivia met the man of her dreams?No. She's just stupid. And crazy.
Lets Review:
Olivia really wants a boyfriend. Oh what luck! Sweet Valley High has decided to do a two week long workshop and one of the courses is taught by a hottie mctottie artist named Stuart Bachman. And Olivia is instantly in loooooove! After only one day. Stuart is all Olivia thinks about, talks about, dreams about. Yeah. Olivia is now That Girl. You know the one. That Girl that talks about That Guy so obsessively that it makes you wanna rip off your ears and shove 'em down her throat so she can't talk and you can't hear anymore.
Anyhoo, so Olivia is complete crazycakes. She looks up Stuart's address and drives by his house. She calls his phone whilst they're both at school just to hear his voice on his answering machine. And she thinks that after knowing her for like, a week and some change, that he totally found out when her birthday was and is gonna get her an expensive picture frame as a gift.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Enid obsess over Olivia's obsessively obsessing over Stuart.
Anyhoodles, Olivia eventually finds out that she ain't all that, Stuart only loved her painting not her and he had a girlfriend this whole time whose birthday is the same day as Olivia's and he gave her the expensive picture frame and I feel really jipped cos I was expecting some sexytimes inappropriateness and all I got was a butt ugly jumpsuit, a complete nitwit, and an idiotic subplot of how Jessica "built" a lie detector to humiliate Lila in front of all their friends (don't even ask.)
Eventually though, Olivia realizes that some dude her own age named Rod or Rob or something Rod or Robish has had a crush on her for forevs (or at least since the middle of this book) and so she figures he'll do cos she just REALLY wants a boyfriend, y'all.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
I've got two for you this time.
The first is Enid's response to Elizabeth after she basically calls Enid a liar:
"Olivia more or less admitted to me that she has a crush on Stuart. You should have seen how flustered and upset she was!" Elizabeth sighed. "And I've been insisting that you were making it all up!"Iwas really hoping that that was Enid being snide and smart ass-y but sadly enough, I think she's actually being genuine. Ick.
"Well, that's because you're the world's greatest friend, Elizabeth."
The second comes from Liz. This is her reaction to Enid telling her that she thinks Stuart might be leading Olivia on:
Elizabeth's eyes widened. "No way," she protested. "Stuart is nice to Olivia the same way he's nice to everyone. Olivia has a gigantic crush on him, that's for sure. But I don't think for one single second that he feels anything back for her."Not for one single second? Gee, tell us how you really feel, Elizabeth. You're such a fucking bitch!
Bonus Shizz!:
Sweet Valley High is now a board game! Woo-hoo! You can race through the halls of SVH, meet the most popular guys and go on 4 super dream dates! *squeals with delight*
Now lets rock, paper, scissors this bitch to find out who gets to be Jessica!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
EvilEva Reviews... Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children
EvilEva reviews...... Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs.
When Jacob was little, his grandfather would tell him fantastical stories of some very peculiar children. Children that could lift boulders over their heads, make fire using only their hands and float effortlessly through the air, among other unbelievable talents. These children lived in a large house on a tiny island with an odd headmistress named Miss Peregrine.
As a child, Jacob believed his grandfather's tall tales and loved looking through his strange collection of photographs.
Now a teenager, Jacob is afraid his grandfather is losing his mind and that all those stories of his past were nothing but lies.
Then his grandfather is brutally murdered. And with his dying breath he tells Jacob to go to the island to find the truth. So Jacob journeys to the mysterious island in search of Miss Peregrine and the answers to his grandfather's greatest secrets.
He finds that not only were the peculiar children real but they're still alive and they need his help. Because something dark and sinister is after them. And only Jacob can see it.
I am completely cover slutty over this book! I mean, just look at it! It's creepy, yet intriguing. There's an old timey gal levitating, for God's sake! And it's not the only creeptastic pic, the book is littered with them. Normally I wouldn't like that kind of thing as it strikes me as being too gimmicky but for this book it worked. The pictures help tell the story.
I gotta say, I had kind of a mixed bag o' feelings for this book. The beginning I liked. I thought the imagery was solid and the descriptions were beautifully written. Around the middle i felt like the story started lagging a little. Like we were headed somewhere, we took one wrong turn and suddenly it's like "Wait. Where the fuck are we? What the fuck is a loop? Who are all these ymbrynes? What is a ymbryne? Aaaaah get me outta here!" But towards the end we got back on the right path, the story sorted itself out and it felt less disjointed.
I liked that the subject matter was a little different for YA. I think the peculiar children are a refreshing change from all the vampires, werewolves, angels, zombies and other assorted supernatural peeps that have invaded the shelves for the past few years.
The baddies in this book are truly terrifying. Bonus points to Mr. Ransom for giving some nightmare-inducing descriptions.
The characters were great too. Some were stronger than others. Jacob, Emma, Bronwyn, Enoch, and Millard were standouts. A few of the characters weren't as fleshed out as the others. I would've liked to read more of Olive, the amazing levitating girl. I felt like the author created too many characters to keep up with. So some got lost in the shuffle.
So. I liked this book but I feel like I could have loved it.
But this is only Ransom Riggs' first novel and I think that he has what it takes to make an even better sequel. There's room for Miss Peregrine and her peculiar children to grow. And the ending of this book could very easily set up his next.
The Scale of Judgment says...... 3 and a half.
When Jacob was little, his grandfather would tell him fantastical stories of some very peculiar children. Children that could lift boulders over their heads, make fire using only their hands and float effortlessly through the air, among other unbelievable talents. These children lived in a large house on a tiny island with an odd headmistress named Miss Peregrine.
As a child, Jacob believed his grandfather's tall tales and loved looking through his strange collection of photographs.
Now a teenager, Jacob is afraid his grandfather is losing his mind and that all those stories of his past were nothing but lies.
Then his grandfather is brutally murdered. And with his dying breath he tells Jacob to go to the island to find the truth. So Jacob journeys to the mysterious island in search of Miss Peregrine and the answers to his grandfather's greatest secrets.
He finds that not only were the peculiar children real but they're still alive and they need his help. Because something dark and sinister is after them. And only Jacob can see it.
I am completely cover slutty over this book! I mean, just look at it! It's creepy, yet intriguing. There's an old timey gal levitating, for God's sake! And it's not the only creeptastic pic, the book is littered with them. Normally I wouldn't like that kind of thing as it strikes me as being too gimmicky but for this book it worked. The pictures help tell the story.
I gotta say, I had kind of a mixed bag o' feelings for this book. The beginning I liked. I thought the imagery was solid and the descriptions were beautifully written. Around the middle i felt like the story started lagging a little. Like we were headed somewhere, we took one wrong turn and suddenly it's like "Wait. Where the fuck are we? What the fuck is a loop? Who are all these ymbrynes? What is a ymbryne? Aaaaah get me outta here!" But towards the end we got back on the right path, the story sorted itself out and it felt less disjointed.
I liked that the subject matter was a little different for YA. I think the peculiar children are a refreshing change from all the vampires, werewolves, angels, zombies and other assorted supernatural peeps that have invaded the shelves for the past few years.
The baddies in this book are truly terrifying. Bonus points to Mr. Ransom for giving some nightmare-inducing descriptions.
The characters were great too. Some were stronger than others. Jacob, Emma, Bronwyn, Enoch, and Millard were standouts. A few of the characters weren't as fleshed out as the others. I would've liked to read more of Olive, the amazing levitating girl. I felt like the author created too many characters to keep up with. So some got lost in the shuffle.
So. I liked this book but I feel like I could have loved it.
But this is only Ransom Riggs' first novel and I think that he has what it takes to make an even better sequel. There's room for Miss Peregrine and her peculiar children to grow. And the ending of this book could very easily set up his next.
The Scale of Judgment says...... 3 and a half.
Monday, August 1, 2011
The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 7 Part 2 Reviews
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The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 7 Part 1 Reviews
We know Karen Brewer but we don't know her know her. So I've decided that this month I'm gonna read from the Baby-Sitters Little Sister series so that we may better acquaint ourselves with Kristy's bossy pants stepsister. And, TRUTH SERUM TIME: this series was like book crack to me when I was A Little. I remember LOVING these books and wanting to be total besties with Karen. After reread just four books I've decided that clearly I was insane as a child and should have probably been on some type of medication cos Karen is just awful and these books are terrible. But I can't help feeling a little nostalgic. My 8 year old self is totally cussing out my 28 year old self right now. Calm down, 8 year old me, and enjoy these full o' snark reviews of your greatest treasures.
EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters Little Sister #9: Karen's Sleepover by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1990.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Karen has buck teeth, HUGE Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and a side ponytail. How does she even have enough friends to invite to a sleepover?!
*Who in the fuck is that cracked-out looking Pippy Longstockings?!? God, she looks super evil! I'd check inside her babydoll for homemade shivs if I were y'all.
*Goddamn at the scrunchies.
*The tagline reads:
*Who decorates for a sleepover with balloons and streamers?
Lets Review:
Karen has a Great Idea! Of course she fucking does, she is Kristy's stepsister after all. There's got to be a trickle-down effect of good idea-having over at Watson's HUGE ass mansion.
Anyhoodles, Karen's Great Idea is to have her first ever sleepover! And she's gonna invite every girl in her class cos she doesn't know how sleepovers work. How are you gonna talk smack about that one b-hole in class that you and all your friends totally HATE if your stupid ass decided to invite her over?!? God Karen, for a person with glasses, you sure are stupid.
So everyone starts to get their invitations. Yes. This dumb bitch sent out invitations to a sleepover. To all the girls IN HER CLASS . Even though she could've like saved a tree or some shit and just told them at recess that they were invited.
But Nancy, Karen's BFF, hasn't gotten her invite yet and apparently doesn't know how that whole "postal service thing" works cos she totes gets all butthurt cos she thinks that for some dumbass reason Karen didn't invite her even though Karen TOLD HER TO HER FACE that she was invited. So all week Nancy is totally harshing on Karen's sleepover buzz. And Karen is getting tired of her bullshizz.
Then Nancy calls Karen and tells her Hooray her invitation has FiNALLY arrived! And Karen's all "you know what bitch? you've given me so much fucking grief about this, I now un-invite you!" So then Nancy's all "bitch I'm never talking to you again!"
Then a new girl named Pamela joins Karen's class. For all you BSC aficionados out there, Pamela is basically a mini Stacey. All the girls keep talking about her phat wardrobe!
Anyhoo, Karen thinks "perfect! iIknow a way to get back at stupid Nancy! I'll invite this new chick to replace her! Nancy will be so faced! Bwahahaha!" And then she would of course wring her evil hands.
Finally the day comes! It's sleepover time!
Karen decorates the playroom with crepe paper and balloons. Again, because Karen doesn't understand the art of the sleepover.
So the sleepover is in full swing and all the girls are having fun! Except Lil' Stacey. I mean, Pamela. She doesn't want to sleep on the floor or eat pizza and is just generally being a douchebaguette . Well Karen gets frustrated, thinking she may not be the hostess with the mostess. So she calls Nancy because apparently Nancy is not the type of girl that would put up with Stacey Lite, I mean, Pamela's shit. Karen apologizes and tells Nancy that she is re-invited to her sleepover so that she can help Karen deal with Stacey Jr, I mean Pamela's cranky pants.
So Nancy comes over and apologizes to Karen for being a total turd about the invite in the first place. They forgive each other and bond over their sudden mutual hatred for 7 year old Stacey, i mean, Pamela.
That Monday, at school, all the girls think that Karen's sleepover was the best ever! (Cos they've never been to another one before.) But even though Karen and Nancy (and the forgotten Musketeer, Hannie) have decided that they will hate non-diabetic Stacey, I mean Pamela, for all eternity, the other girls in the class are still betwixt by her cool clothes.
Karen and Nancy (and the forgotten Musketeer, Hannie) vow that they will now be known as The Three Musketeers and they'll be friends forevs and never let a stupid argument come between them again.
And I thought we were gonna Learn An Important Lesson about how Pamela was shy and self conscious because she was new to town and didn't know anyone so that's why she was acting so weird but I guess she was just a bitch that thought she was better then Karen cos she thought sleeping on the floor was stupid and Karen's blankie and stuffed cat were babyish.
So, fuck Pamela, I guess.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen of course. This is, no joke, page one, sixth sentence, second paragraph of the book:
I don't need your life story, bitch, just tell me about this sleepover already.
Bonus Shizz:
This wouldn't be bonus shizz in anyone else's book, but in my borrowed copy someone has written their name in the front of the book. That person is: Sara Force!
Now, that exclamation point is not because I know this "Sara Force" and what a cowinky-dink that I've stumbled upon one of her old books.
No, that exclamation point is because Sara Force sounds like the COOLEST NAME EVER! She sounds like a ready-made superhero!
Patrolling the streets of Stoneybrook in shadow. Keeping children and baby-sitters safe. Ridding the town of evildoers. It's! Sara Force!
And then there'd be super patriotic music and a flag whipping in the wind and Sara Force would be front and center with her hands on her hips, clad in a black catsuit of some sort. And it would be AWESOME!!!
EvilEva reviews...... Baby-Sitters Little Sister #20: Karen's Carnival by Ann M. Martin.
Circa: 1991.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Karen is at the fortune teller booth, reading the palm of some kid. The look on her face seems to say "I don't know how to tell you this but... you only have 3 months to live, boo."
*Does Karen always wear a side ponytail/scrunchie combo? Is that a "Karen" thing? Let me guess, she thinks this makes her look "gigundo" cool?
*Karen's head looks SUPER misshapen in this pic. I guess the top part of her head appears so large because it's so full of Great Ideas.
*I want to go to the Cold Drinks booth. I wonder if they carry Skinnygirl Margaritas. I deserve a stiff one after reading about this chick.
Lets Review:
Karen and her fellow Musketeers, Hannie and Nancy, are SOOOOO BORED! There is NOTHING to do! Except roller skate. In theory. In reality, Hannie's skates are too small, Nancy doesn't even own a pair and Karen's skates are currently at the little house.
So they decide they'll go to the park instead. But only if they can walk there all by themselves. Well Karen's stepmother has seen one too many Datelines and tells them it's too far for them to go alone but she would be glad to drive them there.
This "free car ride" does not jive well with these brats, so they decline the offer because it is better to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING than to not get your way. So the girls have a spectacularly boring time. Until they decide that they can get cash so that they can buy some roller skates. But how could they get money? They're only 7! So they put on their thinking caps and that's when Karen comes up with yet another Great Idea. They'll have a carnival! They get really excited about this idea and about how soon enough they'll be roller skating it up!
Karen's real mom picks her and her dimwitted little brother up and tells them that there are plans to build a new playground in Stoneybrook within walking distance of Watson's house! How serendipitous since Karen had just been bitching about this in the previous chapter!
(P.S. Isn't Watson a fucking millionaire?! This mofo can't just purchase one of those elaborate swingset/slide/fort dealies they've got at Toys R Us?)
So Karen tells her besties that instead of using their carnival money for skates, they'll use it for the new playground!
Well Hannie has a shit fit cos homegirl seriously wants some roller skates.
But Karen, being the bossy bitch she is, tells Hannie "tough shit. the carnival money from the carnival we have not yet thrown will go to the playground fund, NOT for roller skates for your janky feet!"
This, of course, leads to a fight. I think it must be very hard being Karen's friend because at any given moment she will hate you.
So Karen now hates Hannie's roller skate-wanting ass. But not for long. The girls actually squash their beef within a few chapters. So they're all friends again now that they're doing exactly what Karen wants.
Now that we're all back on track (God, Hannie! Quit trying to have your own opinions!) it's time to buy things like prizes and lemonade mix for the carnival. But wait. That shit costs a fair amount of scratch which the girls don't have because they're only 7. (Even though Karen's dad is a millionaire.)
So they ask their parents to pony up. All the parents give $10. (Really Watson? $10? Way to dig deep, man.) Now they have $54! They buy everything they'll need and then it's...
Carnival Time!
The carnival is, of course, called Karen's Carnival cos she's a selfish bitch that shuns others ideas.
There are game booths and refreshments and a rummage sale and Nancy is selling friendship bracelets and Karen is the fortune teller.
They have a lot of customers. And even that creepy "witch" "Morbidda Destiny" from next door spends some cash.
Then the girls rudely end the carnival because it's 4 o' clock which is when the carnival was supposed to end and it's gonna whether you're done with your ringtoss or not because Karen's feet and back hurt goddamnit! So the carnival comes to a close.
Lets count our money! I bet we made a bajillion dollars!
Wait. What'd you say, Nancy? We made $32.40? But we put in $54! How can this even be?!?!
Karen goes to Kristy heartbroken because of her own dumbassedness. Kristy asks how much the prizes cost. They were 50 cent and a dollar a piece. And the girls only charged 25 cents at each booth. So Kristy's all "you should've charged more, dipshit."
But, of course, none of this really matters anyway because the citizens of Stoneybrook have already raised enough money for the playground.
So the playground is built, and now Karen and her friends are bored again, this time with all the playground equipment because they've already played on all of it and you know what would be A LOT of fun?! if we could go roller skating on the blacktop over there!
Oh brother, here we go again!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a two-fer. This one takes place while Karen and Hannie are arguing about what to name the carnival. Karen, of course, thinks it should be named Karen's Carnival since it was her Great Idea. But Hannie thinks Karen's a beast that always has to get her way. So they solve this argument like reasonable second graders. That is to say, Hannie gives Karen her way. Check how Hannie folds like a cheap suit:
So you need to stop with that and follow this line of action instead:
So, have you had enough of Karen and her slaves, i mean, fellow Musketeers, yet? Well too bad cos we've still got two more of her books to suffer through. So bring it back here for even more gigundo fun!
Circa: 1990.
Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Karen has buck teeth, HUGE Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and a side ponytail. How does she even have enough friends to invite to a sleepover?!
*Who in the fuck is that cracked-out looking Pippy Longstockings?!? God, she looks super evil! I'd check inside her babydoll for homemade shivs if I were y'all.
*Goddamn at the scrunchies.
*The tagline reads:
Will Pamela ruin all the fun?I'm guessing Pamela is the sad sack sitting in the chair with her man hands clasped in her lap. Maybe she's no fun because she's self conscious about her gigantic man hands, Karen! You're such a fucking bitch!
*Who decorates for a sleepover with balloons and streamers?
Lets Review:
Karen has a Great Idea! Of course she fucking does, she is Kristy's stepsister after all. There's got to be a trickle-down effect of good idea-having over at Watson's HUGE ass mansion.
Anyhoodles, Karen's Great Idea is to have her first ever sleepover! And she's gonna invite every girl in her class cos she doesn't know how sleepovers work. How are you gonna talk smack about that one b-hole in class that you and all your friends totally HATE if your stupid ass decided to invite her over?!? God Karen, for a person with glasses, you sure are stupid.
So everyone starts to get their invitations. Yes. This dumb bitch sent out invitations to a sleepover. To all the girls IN HER CLASS . Even though she could've like saved a tree or some shit and just told them at recess that they were invited.
But Nancy, Karen's BFF, hasn't gotten her invite yet and apparently doesn't know how that whole "postal service thing" works cos she totes gets all butthurt cos she thinks that for some dumbass reason Karen didn't invite her even though Karen TOLD HER TO HER FACE that she was invited. So all week Nancy is totally harshing on Karen's sleepover buzz. And Karen is getting tired of her bullshizz.
Then Nancy calls Karen and tells her Hooray her invitation has FiNALLY arrived! And Karen's all "you know what bitch? you've given me so much fucking grief about this, I now un-invite you!" So then Nancy's all "bitch I'm never talking to you again!"
Then a new girl named Pamela joins Karen's class. For all you BSC aficionados out there, Pamela is basically a mini Stacey. All the girls keep talking about her phat wardrobe!
Anyhoo, Karen thinks "perfect! iIknow a way to get back at stupid Nancy! I'll invite this new chick to replace her! Nancy will be so faced! Bwahahaha!" And then she would of course wring her evil hands.
Finally the day comes! It's sleepover time!
Karen decorates the playroom with crepe paper and balloons. Again, because Karen doesn't understand the art of the sleepover.
So the sleepover is in full swing and all the girls are having fun! Except Lil' Stacey. I mean, Pamela. She doesn't want to sleep on the floor or eat pizza and is just generally being a douchebaguette . Well Karen gets frustrated, thinking she may not be the hostess with the mostess. So she calls Nancy because apparently Nancy is not the type of girl that would put up with Stacey Lite, I mean, Pamela's shit. Karen apologizes and tells Nancy that she is re-invited to her sleepover so that she can help Karen deal with Stacey Jr, I mean Pamela's cranky pants.
So Nancy comes over and apologizes to Karen for being a total turd about the invite in the first place. They forgive each other and bond over their sudden mutual hatred for 7 year old Stacey, i mean, Pamela.
That Monday, at school, all the girls think that Karen's sleepover was the best ever! (Cos they've never been to another one before.) But even though Karen and Nancy (and the forgotten Musketeer, Hannie) have decided that they will hate non-diabetic Stacey, I mean Pamela, for all eternity, the other girls in the class are still betwixt by her cool clothes.
Karen and Nancy (and the forgotten Musketeer, Hannie) vow that they will now be known as The Three Musketeers and they'll be friends forevs and never let a stupid argument come between them again.
And I thought we were gonna Learn An Important Lesson about how Pamela was shy and self conscious because she was new to town and didn't know anyone so that's why she was acting so weird but I guess she was just a bitch that thought she was better then Karen cos she thought sleeping on the floor was stupid and Karen's blankie and stuffed cat were babyish.
So, fuck Pamela, I guess.
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Karen of course. This is, no joke, page one, sixth sentence, second paragraph of the book:
Hi. My name is Karen Brewer. I'm seven years old, which is a very good age. I have a little brother named Andrew, an adopted sister, a stepsister, and three stepbrothers. I wear glasses and I have some freckles. Once I got a horrible haircut, but now my hair is grown out and back to normal. It is pretty long.So. If you couldn't already tell, Karen is a bit of an over-sharer.
I don't need your life story, bitch, just tell me about this sleepover already.
Bonus Shizz:
This wouldn't be bonus shizz in anyone else's book, but in my borrowed copy someone has written their name in the front of the book. That person is: Sara Force!
Now, that exclamation point is not because I know this "Sara Force" and what a cowinky-dink that I've stumbled upon one of her old books.
No, that exclamation point is because Sara Force sounds like the COOLEST NAME EVER! She sounds like a ready-made superhero!
Patrolling the streets of Stoneybrook in shadow. Keeping children and baby-sitters safe. Ridding the town of evildoers. It's! Sara Force!
And then there'd be super patriotic music and a flag whipping in the wind and Sara Force would be front and center with her hands on her hips, clad in a black catsuit of some sort. And it would be AWESOME!!!
Circa: 1991.
Dissecting The Cover:
*Karen is at the fortune teller booth, reading the palm of some kid. The look on her face seems to say "I don't know how to tell you this but... you only have 3 months to live, boo."
*Does Karen always wear a side ponytail/scrunchie combo? Is that a "Karen" thing? Let me guess, she thinks this makes her look "gigundo" cool?
*Karen's head looks SUPER misshapen in this pic. I guess the top part of her head appears so large because it's so full of Great Ideas.
*I want to go to the Cold Drinks booth. I wonder if they carry Skinnygirl Margaritas. I deserve a stiff one after reading about this chick.
Lets Review:
Karen and her fellow Musketeers, Hannie and Nancy, are SOOOOO BORED! There is NOTHING to do! Except roller skate. In theory. In reality, Hannie's skates are too small, Nancy doesn't even own a pair and Karen's skates are currently at the little house.
So they decide they'll go to the park instead. But only if they can walk there all by themselves. Well Karen's stepmother has seen one too many Datelines and tells them it's too far for them to go alone but she would be glad to drive them there.
This "free car ride" does not jive well with these brats, so they decline the offer because it is better to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING than to not get your way. So the girls have a spectacularly boring time. Until they decide that they can get cash so that they can buy some roller skates. But how could they get money? They're only 7! So they put on their thinking caps and that's when Karen comes up with yet another Great Idea. They'll have a carnival! They get really excited about this idea and about how soon enough they'll be roller skating it up!
Karen's real mom picks her and her dimwitted little brother up and tells them that there are plans to build a new playground in Stoneybrook within walking distance of Watson's house! How serendipitous since Karen had just been bitching about this in the previous chapter!
(P.S. Isn't Watson a fucking millionaire?! This mofo can't just purchase one of those elaborate swingset/slide/fort dealies they've got at Toys R Us?)
So Karen tells her besties that instead of using their carnival money for skates, they'll use it for the new playground!
Well Hannie has a shit fit cos homegirl seriously wants some roller skates.
But Karen, being the bossy bitch she is, tells Hannie "tough shit. the carnival money from the carnival we have not yet thrown will go to the playground fund, NOT for roller skates for your janky feet!"
This, of course, leads to a fight. I think it must be very hard being Karen's friend because at any given moment she will hate you.
So Karen now hates Hannie's roller skate-wanting ass. But not for long. The girls actually squash their beef within a few chapters. So they're all friends again now that they're doing exactly what Karen wants.
Now that we're all back on track (God, Hannie! Quit trying to have your own opinions!) it's time to buy things like prizes and lemonade mix for the carnival. But wait. That shit costs a fair amount of scratch which the girls don't have because they're only 7. (Even though Karen's dad is a millionaire.)
So they ask their parents to pony up. All the parents give $10. (Really Watson? $10? Way to dig deep, man.) Now they have $54! They buy everything they'll need and then it's...
Carnival Time!
The carnival is, of course, called Karen's Carnival cos she's a selfish bitch that shuns others ideas.
There are game booths and refreshments and a rummage sale and Nancy is selling friendship bracelets and Karen is the fortune teller.
They have a lot of customers. And even that creepy "witch" "Morbidda Destiny" from next door spends some cash.
Then the girls rudely end the carnival because it's 4 o' clock which is when the carnival was supposed to end and it's gonna whether you're done with your ringtoss or not because Karen's feet and back hurt goddamnit! So the carnival comes to a close.
Lets count our money! I bet we made a bajillion dollars!
Wait. What'd you say, Nancy? We made $32.40? But we put in $54! How can this even be?!?!
Karen goes to Kristy heartbroken because of her own dumbassedness. Kristy asks how much the prizes cost. They were 50 cent and a dollar a piece. And the girls only charged 25 cents at each booth. So Kristy's all "you should've charged more, dipshit."
But, of course, none of this really matters anyway because the citizens of Stoneybrook have already raised enough money for the playground.
So the playground is built, and now Karen and her friends are bored again, this time with all the playground equipment because they've already played on all of it and you know what would be A LOT of fun?! if we could go roller skating on the blacktop over there!
Oh brother, here we go again!
Say Whaaat!?!:
And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
It's a two-fer. This one takes place while Karen and Hannie are arguing about what to name the carnival. Karen, of course, thinks it should be named Karen's Carnival since it was her Great Idea. But Hannie thinks Karen's a beast that always has to get her way. So they solve this argument like reasonable second graders. That is to say, Hannie gives Karen her way. Check how Hannie folds like a cheap suit:
I did not say anything.See what happened there, Hannie? You relented and all of a sudden it's "MY" carnival. You and Nancy need to nip this shizz in the bud before Karen's head gets any bigger. (See: cover of this book.)
Finally Hannie sighed. "Okay," she said. "We'll call it Karen's Carnival."
"Thank you," I replied.
After that we made lots more signs announcing my carnival.
So you need to stop with that and follow this line of action instead:
And guess what. Hannie hit me. She put her own arm out and she punched my hand. Hard.Now that is a Hannie I can get behind!
So, have you had enough of Karen and her slaves, i mean, fellow Musketeers, yet? Well too bad cos we've still got two more of her books to suffer through. So bring it back here for even more gigundo fun!
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