What up, you Book Into Moive-lovin' peeps out there. As you probably already know, the official trailer for Breaking Dawn Part 2 graced the interweb a few weeks ago. While i'm slow to the party, i'm finally here, y'all! So without further ado, it's time to analyze the shizz outta the newest Breaking Dawn trailer.
First, let's watch this masterpiece together. Then i'm gonna break it down for you with my thoughts on what is (mercifully) the final movie in this franchise! (Unless someone gets the bright idea that we need to form a tighter bond with that Bree Tanner chick. *throws self in front of bus to stop the madness*)
Let's do this shit!!!
0:01 seconds in- "After 18 years of being utterly ordinary, i finally found i could shine." i just had to completely change everything about myself first. Starting with my species. That sounds about right.
0:01-0:23 seconds in- Ok this is just the same shizz you tried to feed us in the teaser trailer. Give us some new stuff to look at, Twilight.
0:27 seconds in- Maggie Grace with her creepy ass vampire eyes would like to report that the Cullens have done something terrible. Yeah, we know, Maggie Grace. They named their daughter Renesmee. i mean, can you even fucking IMAGINE?!?! P.S. Maggie Grace, it might interest you to know that your stepbrother/former lover from Lost, Ian Somerhalder is a vampire now too! How 'bout a family reunion! The Salvatores are waaaaaay better than the Cullens. Trust me on this one. ;)
0:33 seconds in- Bella is now a sassy vampire. Or as sassy as someone who is constantly morose can be.
0:39 seconds in- Did Aro raid Neverland? Why does he look like he just stepped out of a Michael Jackson video? Or maybe that Gwen Stefani video? Is Aro now a Hollaback Girl? Is his shit bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s!
0:44 seconds in- Lord Jesus! Alice sees some future that's so fucking crazy she actually Drops. A. Vase! Um, haven't you been psychic for like A Bajillion Years!?!?! Seems like things would stop being so surprising if that shock happened to you Every Goddamn Day.
0:50 seconds in- The Volturi are evidently coming all the way from Narnia to see Renesmee. Impressive.
0:54 seconds in- Oh good, the Cullens have recruited what appears to be the "Creepy Uncle Sector" of the vampire world.
0:55 seconds in- As well as some chicks that are hoping Pocahontas will be the next Disney movie to hit Broadway. Maybe they can teach Renesmee to paint with all the colors of the wind.
0:57 seconds in- Jacob the Baby Licker makes a joke about the freaky, stupid vampire eyes. Nice try, Jacob but i'm still Team Winchester.
0:58 seconds in- Ooh! Apparently this is gonna be "The Epic Finale." i guess that sounds better than what i would have put at the end. Which would've been "Hooray! It's Finally Over!"
0:59 seconds in- Hey look! Vampires can move water! With jazz hands! If a dance battle between the Cullens and the Volturi breaks out, it might just save this movie. Quick, someone get Channing Tatum to step it up!
1:02 minutes in- The Cullens and their peeps go all Hands Across America.
1:02-1:05 minutes in- Someone gets punched into a wall, people are flying through the trees, there are wolves also venturing out from Narnia. It's So. Fucking. EPIC!
1:06 minutes in- Bella's gonna go toe to toe with........ the Rhythm Nation? Seriously Aro, what the fuck are you wearing?
1:09 minutes in- Aw, Bella has a touching moment with her stupidly named daughter.
1:10-1:12 minutes in- Now let's all run at each other all fiercely and shit. It's like a game of Ultimate Red Rover. Red Rover, Red Rover send DEATH right over!
1:15 minutes in- November 16th, bitches! Are. You. READY!?!?
Well that's it, possibly the final trailer for a Twilight movie EVER. How are you guys feeling? Sad because you actually love the story? Relieved that it's finally over so you no longer have to watch Kristen Stewart's constipated face anymore? Ready for Catching Fire to hurry up and get made so as to wash the sour taste out of your mouth that Breaking Dawn is sure to leave? Feel free to share any and all comments you might have in the section below.