Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 2 Part 2 Reviews

I've decided to take a little vacay from my Stoneybrook pals for the second half of this months Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge. But wherever shall I go? Hmm, I hear Sweet Valley is lovely this time of year! ;)

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley Twins #1: Best Friends by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Jamie Suzanne.)
Circa: 1986.

Dissecting The Cover:
Because you can judge a book by its cover!

*The twins look disgustingly cutesy with their matching outfits. For realsies? What girl still wants to dress like her identical twin at 13? Truthfully, I hate that at any age. The only thing I would hate more than twins dressed exactly alike would be if said twins also had names that either rhymed, i.e. Mandy and Sandy, or began with the same letter, i.e. Kathy and Karen. Ick!  

Lets Review:

Have you guys meet Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield? Well they are the blond-haired, blue-green eyed, all-American, picture perfect twinsicles of Sweet Valley! And they do EVERYTHiNG together! 
Well except now Elizabeth wants to start a newspaper for the sixth grade which sounds like Squaresville to Jessica. And Jessica wants to become a member of the prestigious Unicorn Club which Elizabeth thinks is a little snooty. But Elizabeth is afraid if they have different interests then they won't be able to spend every waking minute together the way twins are supposed to. Jessica, however, seems perfectly fine without having Liz as her same-faced shadow. 
In fact the only thing Jess could give a flying Fig Newton about is getting into the sixth grade sorority, The Unicorn Club. In order to do that she must complete three tasks. If she doesn't, well, then I guess she'll have to find a more excepting group of little bitches with whom she can discuss boys and clothes and other super important biz. 
Elizabeth feels left out of Jessica's life now that she has the Unicorns to hang out with. So much so that she kinda gives off a Single White Female vibe. Calm down, lady. Even if Jess has new friends, you're still her sister. You live in the same house for God's sake! You're bound to run into her at some point! 
Anyhoodle, in the end the girls learn that it's ok to be different. And we learn nothing because we knew this already!

Subplot: Also in this book the girls have ballet in gym class (What? Who the fuck has ballet in gym class?) and discover that they love love LOVE it! So their mom decides that they can take ballet classes at the only ballet company in town, the aptly named Dance Studio. 
Jessica thinks she's the awesomest of the awesome but Madame Andre hates her for her tardiness and gaudy purple leotards. So Madame goes on complimenting every other girl even though Jess is really trying to redeem herself and blah blah blah. This will all come to a head in the next book when one of the girls will be picked for the lead in the recital. *gasp* Who will it be?

Say Whaaat!?!?

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Janet, after conferring with members of the Unicorns when Jessica says she may have to drop out of the club.
"Look, Jessica, we don't want you to drop out. I mean, how would it look? It's OK for us to kick people out, but it's different for somebody to quit."
What a bitch!

Friendly Advice: 

Here's a piece of Friendly Advice to help you navigate the halls of Sweet Valley Middle School: 
You can be a bitch like Lila or a dick like Bruce or a flake like Jessica or a goody-goody like Elizabeth but the one thing YOU CANNOT BE in Sweet Valley is a fatty. 
Just ask poor fat Lois Waller.
"Did you see Lois Waller in gym class today?" Jessica asked. "She was practically oozing out of her leotard. Fat everywhere. They shouldn't let a tub like her take ballet."
But wait! There's more! 
Here's Jessica's inner monologue after hearing that Lois has been out of school for four days since Jess totally humiliated her at the Dairi Burger:
She was feeling a little nervous about Lois. Suppose shaving cream was poison after all? Oh, don't be silly, she told herself. Lois's parents probably just got tired of looking at her and sent her off to a fat farm. That was much more likely. 
Good God, how fat is Lois? Lila, care to comment?
"You could do a diet column and call it 'Advice from Miss Piggy'!"
Oh you Sweet Valley WASP's with your tiny waists and convoluted thinkin'. Fuck you.

EvilEva reviews...... Sweet Valley Twins #2: Teacher's Pet by Francine Pascal (although technically written by Jamie Suzanne.)
Circa: 1986.

Dissecting The Cover:

*It looks like a case of Black Swan up in this piece!
*The twin I'm taking to be Jessica has her arms crossed over her chest, giving her sister the stink eye. She looks like she might be thinking about pulling a Tonya Harding on Elizabeth's ass. Does anybody know Jeff Gillooly's number?
*The twin which I'm guessing is Elizabeth has her hands poised above her head in some ballet position that I don't know because I was too poor to take ballet and they didn't offer it as an option in gym class at my school. (Did they anywhere? I mean, was ballet taught in gym class ever really a thing?) The look on her face, very subtly says "Yeah bitch, I'm gonna ballet right over your ass! Which looks fat in that leotard, btw." 
*Camel toe a go-go!

Lets Review:

It's Fight Night at the Wakefield household! Both Jessica and Elizabeth want the coveted solo in the ballet recital. So now it's on like Donkey Kong! 
Jessica thinks that she's the mother effing shizz. She can literally dance circles around the rest of these amateurs. But guess who gets to be Swanilda the lead part in the ballet? That's right. Elizabeth. 
And Jessica is so super pissed because DUH!, she is such a superior dancer. The only way Liz could have gotten the part is because she is a big fat teacher's pet. A fact which Jess will remind her of about 16 bajillion times during the course of the 103 piddly pages of this book. Which is equal only in the amount of tears shed by Elizabeth. 
Not much else happens. Jessica pouts. Elizabeth is all butt hurt that Jess is being such a bitchninny. Amy Sutton can't dance for shit. Madame Andre only has eyes for Elizabeth. (Creep. Ey.) There's not even an awesome dance-off. They don't "take it to the street" and battle to see once and for all who the best dancer really is. No one "steps it up." No one "gets served." Very disappointing. 
In the end Elizabeth feels bad because she realizes that Jessica really is better and so she fakes a sprained ankle so that Jessica can dance in her place. So moral of the story: If you bitch, pout and complain enough eventually people will get tired of listening to your ass and will finally just give you your way.

Say Whaaat!?!?

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Mrs. Wakefield for her insight on Elizabeth getting the solo:
"Elizabeth, that's wonderful," Jessica heard her mother exclaim. "It's a shame that both you and Jessica couldn't dance the solo, but I'm sure your sister's happy for you, too."
First, Mrs. Wakefield, clearly you don't know your daughter very well. She will, in fact, NOT be happy for her sister. 
Second, I'm not so sure you understand what the word "solo" means.

That's all the nostalgia for this month. Did you guys enjoy our detour into Sweet Valley? I'm still trying to decide what next months book flashback will be. I haven't read R.L. Stine in For.Ever. So, how do y'all feel about Goosebumps!? :)  

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