Friday, March 11, 2011

The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge: Round 3 Part 1 Reviews

Welcome to month three of book nostalgia and flashbackery! For part one, I've picked two books from a series that was like kiddie crack for me when I was a Little Bitty. Do these words ring a bell (or tingle a spine?)--- Reader beware- you're in for a scare!
That's right, gang! It's R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series! I was really hoping to read the Night of the Living Dummy books, as those were my most favorite but my library didn't have them. In fact, it was pretty appalling the lack of Goosebumps that were available. But I finally managed to find two that struck my fancy. So lets kick this pig, y'all!

EvilEva reviews...... Goosebumps #20: The Scarecrow Walks At Midnight by R.L. Stine.
Circa: 1994.

Dissecting The Cover:

Because you can judge a book by its cover!
*Creepy scarecrow. Menacing cornfield. Full moon. This is a horror movie waiting to happen. 
*I always loved that the word Goosebumps was raised and well, bumpy and that it looked like dripping blood. Even though combining the two really makes no sense. 
*The tagline reads:
It's a field of screams!
Which I'm guessing is a play on words, "field of screams" as opposed to "Field of Dreams" which was a movie starring Kevin Costner. However, The Scarecrow Walks At Midnight, much like the cinema of today, does not contain Kevin Costner. Nor is it about baseball. It is about scarecrows. Walking at midnight. Sometimes earlier. 

Lets Review:

Jodie and Mark are going to their grandparents farm! The Super Evil Farm of Walking Stalking Scarecrows!!! You see, when the kids get there everything seems different. Their grandparents are acting strangely and there are a bunch of freaky-ass scarecrows in the cornfield.

One night Jodie thinks she sees one of the scarecrows move. What?!?! Bitch, you better run!
Nothing good can come from evil-looking scarecrows. Except maybe prize winning corn. But is prize winning corn worth--- YOUR LIFE!?!? How will you accept your first place ribbon when your hands have been gnawed off by evil scarecrows? Hmm? Or worse, how will you find the podium which you must climb in order to get onto the stage to win your first place ribbon when the scarecrows have feasted on you face?

Someone should have filled in Semi-Stupid Farmhand Stanley with these deets because broham has been reading a book on superstitions and thinks it would be a great idea to basically hold these two elderly people hostage with his scarecrow army frightening them into doing anything he asks them to, like, making cherry pie. This is why he is semi-stupid. He has control over an army of evil scarecrows and what does he want in return for letting them terrorize this old couple? Their retirement fund? Nope. Their land signed over to him? Nah. He wants cherry pie, Gotdammit! He's tired of Grandma always fixing apple, which is Grandpa's favorite. Well what about Stanley's favorite?!?! Uh hey, Stanley, did you ever think of just asking Grandma if she would fix cherry instead? Did you really have to start with Evil Scarecrow Incantation? I'm just saying, I would have tried asking first before I broke out my voodoo books. 

But fear not, y'all. Though the scarecrows do attack they are thwarted by the quick thinking of Stanley's son, Sticks. Yes. His name is Sticks. 

Say Whaaat!?!:

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Jodie and it's a bit of a spoiler because it's the last line of the book. After all the scarecrow craziness, Jodie is sitting in the living room enjoying the quiet. She can hear Stanley in the kitchen reading from his superstition book which no one had the good sense to take away from him after he brought 12 scarecrows to life. Anyhoo, you need to know that Jodie is alone in the living room, Stanley is reading his book aloud, there is a giant stuffed bear in the corner and Jodie notices that it's beginning to come to life.
"Stanley?" I called in a tiny, high voice. "Stanley?" What chapter have you been reading?"

Uh, bitch, didn't this moron nearly get you killed by crazy scarecrows? And now you can hear the giant bear's stomach growling and you're gonna inquire what chapter Semi-Stupid Stanley is on instead of just assuming it's the chapter on reanimating taxidermed pets and thus getting the fuck outta there?!?! You're also semi-stupid, Jodie. And I kinda hope you get mauled by that bear now.

EvilEva reviews...... Goosebumps #34: Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes by R.L. Stine.
Circa: 1995.

Dissecting The Cover:

*Ugh, it's that tacky house down the street with all the shit on the lawn. Two plastic flamingos, a gazing ball, a little deer and two ugly garden gnomes. Excuse me sir, have you heard of the word "overkill?" Try looking it up and then looking at your yard!
*The tagline says:
Keep off their grass!
Or they'll cut a bitch!

Lets Review:

Joe's dad loves to garden. But what does he loves even more than gardening, you ask? Tacky lawn ornaments! One day he brings home two ass-ugly gnomes. And havoc is wreaked! For what Joe's dad doesn't know is that these are no ordinary lawn gnomes--- they're Mischief Elves which means if they are ever awakened they will fuck your world up by eating your casaba melons and vandalizing your property. 

When Joe starts to notice odd things about the gnomes and begins to suspect they're the one's causing all the trouble, predictably, no one believes him because he is a dickhole that likes to pull pranks. Really lame pranks. So everyone thinks he's just the boy who cried gnome. Until his buddy, Moose, and his sister, Mindy, see for themselves that the gnomes are actually alive. But they're Mischief Elves and making mischief is just what they do. 

They're prepared to leave the kids alone if they'll help free the six other elves from The Little Shop Of Tacky. But when the kids get to the shop they discover that the Mischief Elves lied and there are really hundreds of elves and they don't want freedom, they wanna torture human children! Some methods of Mischief Elf Human Child Torture include:
Tug of War! Trampoline! Tickle Fight!
Not wanting to be tugged or tickled or jumped on, Joe remembers that the gnomes were scared of the family dog! But turns out that Buster is super useless. Joe tries to get his attention by blowing his dog whistle and whattayaknow?, that's like the Mischief Elf off switch because as soon as he blows it they all turn back to statues! Hooray, they'll never bother us again! Lets just hope dad doesn't come home with an eight foot gorilla. Spoiler Alert- he does!

Say Whaaat!?!:

And the most ridiculous line in the entire book goes to...
Moose, after Joe tries to convince him that the gnomes are alive and apparently a-holes:
"Weird," Moose muttered. "Very weird. But lawn gnomes are lawn gnomes, Joe. They don't run around doing mischief."
Normally you'd be right, Moose. But these are no ordinary lawn gnomes. They're mischief-doin' lawn gnomes. No one knows how or why they came to be but legend has it that there is a semi-stupid farmhand that loves bringing inanimate objects to life. Could these gnomes be the work of this semi-stupid farmhand? Depends. What's their stance on cherry pie? ;)

Well, I hope you guys enjoyed getting goosebumped! Make sure to come back next week for part two of The Super Nostalgic Book Flashback Challenge because we'll be heading back to Stoneybrook to check in with the BSC!

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